To think my ds dies not need a 'bloody good hiding'

[mamasmissionimpossible]

So I'm staying at parents as we are having our home redecorated before a move.

My ds is 7. He came home from a party today and was being aggressive (hiting the walls)and calling me names. my parents overhear all this.

I want to discipline without smacking as I just don't see it as a useful method if discipline. My father doesn't agree and says if ds did this behaviour with him in charge he would give him ' a bloody good hiding'. I feel so upset he could do that and know it wouldn't work long term. Df thinks he will be a delinquent teen with the behaviour he us showing.

After ds calmed down. He apologised to me (without prompting) and I explained why his behaviour was unacceptable.

Just looking for reassurance from mn that I don't need to use physical discipline to get him to behave.

I found out after the event that he hadn't had any tea at the party, which often has a negative effect on his behaviour.

[HollyBerryBush]

Sockreturningpixie you were actually abusive to your mother because it was 'fun'? Are you one of those who likes to push other peoples buttons now? Are you still an abuser?

[TheNebulousBoojum]

I was hit as a child, with implements as well as hands and by both parents.
Sometimes defiance at those in absolute power over you is all you have. You laugh whilst they are hammering you to show that they haven't won.
You retain control over a situation and mock them when they can't, even when it leads to more abuse.

[CotherMuckingFunt]

Someone asked upthread what people would do in this situation.i have no idea because (and im not being smug) my children would never behave like that. They know that that behaviour is unacceptable. My 'angry voice' is enough to halt them before they get anywhere near that point. If I was asked how they learned this I would guess that consistency and a stubborn to the point of arsiness belief thst if I've said 'no' it will never ever change to a yes.

[Overdecorated]

Missed his bedtime story??? Good grief op! I think you need to work on ensuring your consequences are proportionate to the behaviour. I also disagree with smacking (but don't judge others who choose this as a form of discipline) but you must have other effective methods in place. He is 7 for heaven's sake not 2!

[insanityscratching]

No your ds didn't need a good hiding but he did need discipline there and then for totally unacceptable behaviour. I don't smack and never have had but I would be more than a little to have a child of 7 behave in that way in my home and their parent just remove a bedtime story tbh. IME discipline works best when the consequences are instantaneous rather than drawn out and had your df seen that he would probably felt less offended and in need to comment too.

[pictish]

Same here cother.

We have 3 kids and none of them have ever called me names or thumped the walls to convey aggression.

In answer to 'what would you have done' I'd have to say that I don't know, because I can't imagine allowing any behaviour that would lead up to that point, in the first place. I can't picture our kids behaving like that.

The fact the OP is keen to write it off as hunger is quite worrying. What else does he get away with in the name of making excuses for him?

What the OP describes is, to my mind, very poor behaviour.

[spanky2]

He was probably upset that you someone was being so nasty to his child . It doesn't matter how old you are he might have been upset for you.

[seeker]

My mother used to get very mother tigerishly protective of her children if their children were horrible to them. I still remember the faces of my nieces and nephews when a 5 foot nothing octogenarian laid into them when they were being unpleasant to my brother!

[PessaryPam]

I was smacked and I loved and trusted my parents. I smacked my children very rarely and we have a good relationship. I suppose we should all be in jail.

[Twattybollocks]

Honestly? Your child needs some serious discipline! Not a good hiding I hasten to add, but if either of my two were behavin like that anywhere, the fact that someone had suggested a smacked bum would be the least of my concerns. The wording and suggested method may have been wrong, but the sentiment was bang on!

[PessaryPam]

YY HollyBerryBush I thought that too, and then felt immensely sorry for her mother.

[complexnumber]

"What does being violent to a child teach that child? The child learns that violence is acceptable if someone has a point to make." 3smellysocks

I don't think you can argue with the logical structure of these statements. But there is a very big premise that is being assumed.

That is a child learns according to some set of logical rules.

There are plenty of posters on here who were smacked and yet who claim they did not learn that violence was acceptable. So maybe that
premise is false.

I have not smacked my children, I couldn't. But I think it is maybe a bit smug to dismiss thouse who do as being 'a bit thick', bullies, evil or a lot of the other terms that have been thown out. Where is the evidence for this?

[2gorgeousboys]

I was smacked as a child and agree with others that it did me no harm. I don't smack my children and have had words with my father on an occasion when he mentioned smacking DS1.

However I will confess to having referred to a child (and adults) under my breath as "needing a slap" , I didn't mean that I would smack him or that I thought his parents should smack him, it is more an ill thought out response to poor behaviour and my (unreasonable and inappropriate I realise now) version of "that child needs to be disciplined and their behaviour is inappropriate". I guess what I am trying to say is that perhaps your DF did not intend to smack your DS but was more using a turn of phrase that to him meant your DS needed disciplining.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Sockreturningpixie you were actually abusive to your mother because it was 'fun'? Are you one of those who likes to push other peoples buttons now? Are you still an abuser?

How is watching my mother lose it and being amused by her doing so abusive?

Or is a naughty 6 year old also now abusive?

Are you one of those people who has no idea what abuse actually is?

I would think that the child who spends about 12 years almost from birth on the at risk register, or the child who at 6 has had to learn that no matter how hard or how often they get hit they wouldn't actually be killed so it probably doesn't matter to much and chooses amusement as a coping stragity,the child who has to watch her brothers and sisters get treated well whilst she is treated appallingly. Is the one who was abused.

By the time I was about 8 I was claiming responsibility for my siblings wrong doings because it was harder for me to accept the slight risk that they may start getting treated like I was,than it was for me to deal with another punishment because by that age I considered myself tough enough to not be phased by it.

It only really started becoming hard to deal with when as a older teenager I was having my clothes and knickers removed in public to be smacked so then I just left home because I found out that at 16 as long as you are in a safe place nobody can force you to go back so I went to my grandfather.

I have never either abused or knowingly hurt another living creature in any way in my entire life, but I have spent about a decade having therapy to deal with what my mother did to me and learning that I never need to accept abusive relationships. So take your accusations about me being an abuser and fuck off with them. At least my mother had an excuse for acting like a cunt.

[jessjessjess]

Personally I think it's pointless to demand people justify why they think being smacked was ok but wouldn't use it, or admit it must have harmed them really. Some good parents smack. Some shitty parents don't. It depends hugely on the wider context. My dad occasionally hit me as a small child and things got a bit more physical when I was a teenager. That was abusive because it was never calm or logical and part of a wider atmosphere of dysfunction. My best friend was smacked on the bum more often but by kind, loving parents. I am in therapy now. She is not.

As to what to do in that situation: you have to emphasise boundaries, not make excuses. Personally I believe that any mitigating circumstances (being hungry or whatever) should be acknowledged with regret but do not negate the need for consequences. Which need to ha

[jessjessjess]

Sorry, hit post too which on my phone. Was going to say they need to happen then and not be a joke.

I think in this situation you shouldn't be waiting for him to calm down. You calm him down yourself with 'the voice' (if you don't have one, time to work on it) and you don't just explain why the behaviour is wrong, you explain that it is not acceptable. If he is hungry, he needs to say so. If he is angry, he needs to say so in a better way.

As to punishment, depends on the individual child, but he should be apologising to everyone as well.

[Moominsarescary]

sock I think it was perfectly clear from your post that it was your mother who was abusive not you, I thought it sounded like some of what you said was a coping mechanism, I think it is especially telling that you said your mother has never and will never be left alone with your dc.

How anyone could take what you said and turn it around to you being abusive I don't know.

Hope your ok

[MewlingQuim]

Im not anti-smacking but I just don't think it works as a method of discipline so I won't use it.

But not smacking shouldn't mean no discipline at all, and no bedtime story and an apology the day after the bad behaviour is not disciplining. There needs to be some sort of consequence at the time.

[thebody]

If any if my 4 aged 7 had punched the walls and called me names then yes they would have probably revived a smack. But then I would think I had failed allready as they would never have thought this behaviour acceptable at 4.!!! We don't do stroppy aggressive children.

However you need to sort out some kind if discipline as a 7 year old calling you makes and punching the walls while you excuse this as hunger is ridiculous.

If you don't get a grip of him now he will get a grip of you when he's a teenager.

[MurderOfGoths]

I have mixed feelings on this.

On the one hand it is obviously not the best way to deal with things.

On the other I was smacked as a child. Rarely. The threat of it was enough to discourage me from misbehaving (most of the time). And I adore my parents. I don't think I was harmed by it, and despite not liking it, I don't blame my parents for it.

Like my parents I will do everything I can to avoid it with DS, having it as a last resort. Tbh if DS is anything like I was then just counting down from 3 should work.

I think it needs to be taken case by case in all honesty.

There's no way on earth you could ever describe my parents as abusers despite the smacking.

Depends really on how your DF was with you as a child? Was he abusive to you? Or was he fair?

[realcoalfire]

I have never punished any of my 4 DC (eldest now 18).I have found my children generally want to be good.I talk to them once they have calmed down .They are always genuinely sorry afterwards (as your son was).He just needs to find a better way to communicate his anger!

[jamdonut]

I was smacked (bottom or legs), very rarely as a child. I knew I had overstepped the mark if that happened. I respected and loved my parents.

I smacked my own children (My older two) again, very rarely. We have a good relationship. By the time my 3rd child was born it was already being very frowned upon, and I have not smacked him. The relationship is no different to my older two.

I am a teaching assistant, now, and obviously understand and use ways of disciplining children ,without physical punishment.

However, I do believe that there are times, when a child is small and displaying totally dangerous or over-the-top behaviour,that a smack on the behind or legs ( and I don't mean a severe beating,just one smack), from a parent , is not wrong. As long as it is talked through and explained why it happened, afterwards, just like any other punishment.

[Shallishanti]

Several posters have commented that, as they were smacked as children, they thought carefully about their behaviour as, if they were 'naughty' they might get smacked. But this surely isn't the aim of raising children- that they will avoid some behaviours because they will result in a smack. Instead, surely, we want our children to grow up wanting to be kind, responsible people who want to avoid pain/damage to other living beings or property or the environment generally.
Smacking a child because he has 'hit a wall' or been abusive to his mother really doesn't help him understand why you shouldn't hit walls or swear at people, does it?
Which doesn't mean there should be no consequences of bad behaviour, but the consequences should be constructive in some way. Not always easy to think of them. But ideally they should happen as soon as possible, especially with a young child.

[Floggingmolly]

Of course he doesn't deserve a good hiding, but his behaviour does warrant a little more than missing his bedtime story, I would have thought.
Do you usually use this as a sanction? (because it's obviously not working)

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Moomin,

I'm fine now. My mother suffered from some type of pregnancy associated psychosis that unfortunately due to the type of family I come from went untreated for a long long time.

after I left home it sort of blew everything up in the air and she was forced into treatment and several other medical issues were discovered.

Back then unfortunately money really did talk when it came to child protection and sw just paid lip service.apparently going to a posh boarding school and living in a posh house is enough to not get you taken into care even if you ask to be taken.

I love her very much as do my children but to this day she still outright believes she did nothing wrong and it was just perfectly acceptable smacking and i was a dreadful child and she's very believable, but it is telling indeed that its not just my kids who arnt left unsupervised with her its all her gc's. and weirdly even though she wouldn't admit anything its very obvious she over compensates now with how she interacts with me.

She's very old I'm old, life's to short not to learn from other people's mistakes or to let them hold you back.