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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make it my mission to teach this little girl to read?

138 replies

Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 14:23

I'm a regular poster but have name changed just in case for this.

My mum has recently started looking after the dd of a woman who lives near her and she knows a bit, wouldn't exactly call her a friend. She's going to be having her two evenings a week when the dd goes back to school, as the mother has found herself a job and has nowhere to send the dd on those nights- she's been unemployed for a while now so my mum wants to help her try and hold down a job as much as possible. We don't knowing about the mother but its not an ideal family set up, just the two of them and social services have been involved in the past. I'm living with my mum ATM for various reasons, I also can't work ATM so I have and will be seeing the dd fairly regularly.

We've had her over quite a bit since Christmas, and I discovered a few days ago that she can't read. She's 7, in year 3, and she doesn't seem to have a clue. I don't have my own Dcs yet so i don't have anything to compare to yet but surely not being able even sound out short words aged 7 isn't good? My mum mentioned it briefly to the mother, she is aware but basically said her dd is just "thick" and can't learn, end of. I don't get the impression she's helping at home at all.

She's not thick, you can tell that much from spending time for her. She just can't read.

The mother's English isn't brilliant, she speaks to the dd in Albanian, they also speak another obscure language at home. The DDs spoken English is perfect though, no issues there.

Clearly the mother isn't going to do anything, would it be completely overstepping the mark to attempt and teach the dd to read when she's round here? I don't really know what I'm doing, going to have to do some research, but I refuse to believe she's just "thick" and deserves to be written off. Or is this interfering?

OP posts:

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 03/01/2013 14:26

I would be very careful because if this little girl is in school, it will not have escaped the teachers' attention that she can't read and they will have already implemented something like a School Action Plus plan, which you could inadvertently jeopardise if you start trying to teach her using your own amateur methods.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 03/01/2013 14:27

I was on the fence until she speaks to the dd in Albanian, they also speak another obscure language at home. That sounded a little xenophobic.

Ihatemytoes · 03/01/2013 14:29

I don't think it sounded xenophobic. The OP is just stating the facts as she has seen them.

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2013 14:31

I'm sure, KenLeee, that if the OP sits with the little girl and helps her identify letters and sound out short words, she's doing what every good mum on here does with her own child - it's not 'amateur' ffs!

EasilyBored · 03/01/2013 14:31

Maybe ask the little girl if she has readingand home work in the nights she is with you, and help her with that? Is your mum a child minder?

phantomnamechanger · 03/01/2013 14:32

you should absolutely mind your own business - and that's speaking as a teacher and mum of fluent readers. Leave it to the professionals, and the parents.

How on earth can you possibly judge what the mother does or does not do at home, and you also have no knowledge of what is going on at school, but you think you are the hero with all the answers??

piprabbit · 03/01/2013 14:32

Does she come to your house with her book bag and school reading book?
I don't think there would be a problem with your listening to her reading her school book to you, especially if you fill in the reading record so the teacher knows you are involved.
Check with her mum first though, that she is OK with the idea (even if she thinks you are wasting her time).

MamaMumra · 03/01/2013 14:32

I would agree with Ken - the school will be aware - does she get homework you can help with instead if the mum doesn't mind?

LadyMargolotta · 03/01/2013 14:32

I wonder if she can read in Albanian? If the mother's english isn't good, then it may be hard for her to help practise english reading with her dd at home. It may be good for the girl to have a native english speaker practise reading with her.

It's great that the mother has a job - not easy for a foreign single parent.

It's possible that this girl has SEN such as dyslexia, but I would assume that the school is on the case.

You should speak to the ;other and ask her if you can help her dd practise reading with you at home.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 03/01/2013 14:33

You don't know what you are doing, the school do and you 'helping' out may well do more harm than good. However well meaning you may be I don't think you should get involved.

Original poster

Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 14:33

Absolutely did not mean to come across as xenophobic, my apologies if I did. All I meant was that perhaps lack of English exposure was a factor in the dd having difficulties learning to read, didn't mean to come across xenophobic at all, I apologise if that was badly worded I only said 'another obscure language' because I didn't want to risk identification in RL given I had already named the Albanian which isn't a common language. For what it's worth my mum speaks the second language which is part of the reason she got to know the mother, and I'm from an unusual ethnic background myself. Completely unintentional to come across like that, my apologies if I did.

OP posts:

LadyMargolotta · 03/01/2013 14:33

mother not ;other.

HollyBerryBush · 03/01/2013 14:35

She's not thick ?????????

jaw dropping moment

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2013 14:36

I'm ignoring the reading issue atm.

So her family situation "isn't ideal" because her mum's a LP?

For all you know she may have had SS involvement for a variety of reasons, not in any way this struggling and doing her best Mother's fault.

I would start off slowly, as there may be SN/Delayed development? LD's or trauma involved in her not being able to read.

If you have any concerns after a while, then inform the school.

However you need to lose your preconceived ideas about this family, who are bilingual and is bringing her child up the same way.

fourbears · 03/01/2013 14:36

It's nice you want to help her. I can't see it doing any harm if you hear her read her school reading book just as a parent would. I'm not a teacher but of course I help my DCs. You could get some children's books from the library too and read to her, that will all help and be a good activity to do together. You could talk about the pictures and get her to tell the story from them. Ask her questions about the story, what the people are doing, why, how are they feeling etc. All skills that will help her progress without getting into the nitty gritty of phonics etc. She will love the attention too.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2013 14:36

Oh, poor lass, that is horrible - to call her 'thick'. I can understand why you want to help.

I do think MrsTerry has a point though. There's quite a lot of research to suggest it is a very bad idea to be down on someone's mother tongue/bilingualism and to see this as an impediment to learning to read - it's much better to be sensitive to it and to use it to help you understand why they're struggling/what they might be thinking.

Do you speak Albanian or this other language?

I would just worry that this girl has three languages at play, and she's attending school (and by age 7 will have been picked up as struggling, poor lass), and here you are - and you'll be introducing yet another issue. And you're not in a position to liase with the school as a parent would - though clearly someone should be doing that. Can your mum write a letter to them, in her capacity as the child's minder?

Can she read in her mother's language? I'm asking that because if she's reading that language, then she has at least grasped the principle of what learning to read is about (ie., it's a representation of spoken language). But if she can't read either, she'd have a different set of needs.

You might get useful stuff asking in the Education section, too - loads of posters there have lots of specialist knowledge.

piprabbit · 03/01/2013 14:37

Holly - I think that the OP made that comment because the mother says her daughter is thick and the OP disagrees.

ziggyf · 03/01/2013 14:38

Is it possible that the mother does not read English very well? If so, it might be hard for her to help her daughter? I'd run it past the mother to see if she is comfortable with you reading with her DD on the evenings she is with you. If she says no then I'd keep my beak out.

HollyBerryBush · 03/01/2013 14:38

oh I know I'm jsut stunned the mother said that. Mind you if she herself is ESL then she wont understand the connotations

CaptChaos · 03/01/2013 14:38

I wouldn't necessarily be trying to 'teach' the child to read per se. I would maybe share books with her at first and see if that sparks an interest. What is the little girl interested in? Sometimes children don't read because they feel that the books they are given at school are irrelevant to them, so looking at books together which pique her interest might be a good way to start things off.

Amateur? Nice attitude!

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2013 14:39

"All I meant was that perhaps lack of English exposure was a factor in the dd having difficulties learning to read"

Completely the opposite in fact, the process system that the brain uses is enhanced by learning different languages. I am sure that a teacher willbe along shortly to explain that.

It was born out of racisim why we tried to get other groups of people to give up their own language and forbade children to speak it, even at home.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/01/2013 14:40

I'd offer to help with whatever work she is given from school, bit to make the most if the opportunity that this girl has with you, you need to be in full communication with her Mother about it.

The school may have realised that the child isn't going to get much reading support at home so could have stopped sending home useful things, but if the Mum is happy for you to help, then she can tell the school and if they help you will be in a much better position to provide helpful help.

There's no point in doing it if you are going to be teaching a method that conflicts with the schools, and you have a much better chance of success if the child's teaching can be consistent between you and the school.

I think your offer is a very kind one, but you need to do it with support from her Mum and the school to make it worthwhile.

greenbananas · 03/01/2013 14:40

You've had some fairly negative responses! Bless you for wanting to help this little girl.

I do think you would be seriously overstepping the mark in actually 'teaching' her to read, but there is nothing to stop you encouraging her by playing with her - reading lots of storybooks with her (if she wants you to!) and generally trying to boost her self-esteem. If she wants to read her homework book with you, then that's great, but I wouldn't push it. It really isn't your place to do so!

There might be a 'reason' this little girl is struggling with reading. If, for example, she is dyslexic, you could do real damage by using methods which don't suit her learning style - she will be so demoralised if she 'fails' to learn to read with you. Keep it all playful and fun, just offer to read books to her if she wants you to, with no pressure to learn anything if she is not in the mood.

This has been said already, but you will need to make sure that this little girl does not become your 'project' just because you can't work at the moment. This is about her needs and not yours, so be careful about your own motives.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2013 14:40

There's a study by (among others) Tilly Mortimer looking at this, and there are shedloads of academics who think two languages help the brain with reading. But it's also acknowledged that having two languages can make you slower initially.

(Not a teacher! But I just recently read stuff on this in academic journals so I am pretty sure it's right.)

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 03/01/2013 14:41

Actually, ImperialBlether , unless the OP is an education professional, then "amateur" is precisely what her approach would be. Well intended, but amateur nonetheless and potentially hindering any progress the child id making with the help of her teachers.

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