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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make it my mission to teach this little girl to read?

138 replies

Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 14:23

I'm a regular poster but have name changed just in case for this.

My mum has recently started looking after the dd of a woman who lives near her and she knows a bit, wouldn't exactly call her a friend. She's going to be having her two evenings a week when the dd goes back to school, as the mother has found herself a job and has nowhere to send the dd on those nights- she's been unemployed for a while now so my mum wants to help her try and hold down a job as much as possible. We don't knowing about the mother but its not an ideal family set up, just the two of them and social services have been involved in the past. I'm living with my mum ATM for various reasons, I also can't work ATM so I have and will be seeing the dd fairly regularly.

We've had her over quite a bit since Christmas, and I discovered a few days ago that she can't read. She's 7, in year 3, and she doesn't seem to have a clue. I don't have my own Dcs yet so i don't have anything to compare to yet but surely not being able even sound out short words aged 7 isn't good? My mum mentioned it briefly to the mother, she is aware but basically said her dd is just "thick" and can't learn, end of. I don't get the impression she's helping at home at all.

She's not thick, you can tell that much from spending time for her. She just can't read.

The mother's English isn't brilliant, she speaks to the dd in Albanian, they also speak another obscure language at home. The DDs spoken English is perfect though, no issues there.

Clearly the mother isn't going to do anything, would it be completely overstepping the mark to attempt and teach the dd to read when she's round here? I don't really know what I'm doing, going to have to do some research, but I refuse to believe she's just "thick" and deserves to be written off. Or is this interfering?

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 03/01/2013 14:41

LRD - you really think a babysitter should be allowed to write to the school over this?? What about confidentiality??

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2013 14:43

phantom - I meant, with her mother? If the mother can't write English, can the minder not do it?

Forgive me if that's entirely wrong, it just seemed like quite a practical thing.

(Btw, following up what birds says, this one is available in non-passworded journals www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2759761/)

Original poster
Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 14:44

I absolutely don't think I'm a hero with all the answers, didn't mean to come across like that at all. I'm definitely not proposing to go in all guns blazing with my own method either, that would just be irresponsible given i don't know what I'm doing. The mum has talked to my mum about homework in the past- the dd gets sent home with reading books, worksheets etc but the mum can't make sense of them and thinks her dd is "just thick" so there's "no point" in her words. I've no doubt that the school are supporting the dd, but she's missing out on that support at home. Is it unreasonable for me to be doing the homework with her given the circumstances?

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 03/01/2013 14:46

Doing her homework with her is fine and I'm sure she'd enjoy having some adult input with it if her mum struggles because of a language barrier.

phantomnamechanger · 03/01/2013 14:46

maybe the MUM has poor literacy skills herself and cannot help her DD, and is brushing it off as DD being thick?

IloveJudgeJudy · 03/01/2013 14:49

Poor girl and poor you, OP as some of the posters on here are being horrid to you. EM taught all her DC to read before they went to school with a non school-approved reading scheme. It definitely did not confuse any of us! I would help the little girl as much as you can. Any attention you can give her would be lovely for her from the sound of it. Stick to your plan. You sound lovely.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2013 14:51

If I came across as 'horrid', I'm sorry.

I didn't think anyone was being, TBH - just offering opinions, no need to fling that back in people's faces, Ilove.

Also, just because something worked for you, does not mean it is the right thing to do here. The OP is asking for advice and saying she shouldn't worry about anything is irresponsible, IMO: this is not her child and it is obviously a child in a complicated situation. I think she's being very sensible to think it through - many people might have jumped straight in and she obviously hasn't.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/01/2013 14:52

No, it's not unreasonable at all Seeking, but it would be if her Mother doesn't agree to you doing it.

If you really want to help this girl to the best of your ability, you have to have the support of her Mother and the school. You could even offer to go into the school and help with reading there, that way you would be able to get the right information directly from her teacher and you would be able to learn the methods they use at school.

It is almost pointless to try and teach the child to read if you are not going to do it with support from her main teachers.

As for the 'amateur' issue. All parents are asked to support their child's reading, and the vast majority of them are not trained teachers!

I wonder if the mother has been so negative about her child because of her own issues and experiences with school, or with helping her child.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2013 14:52

My DD has children who came into the UK unable to speak English in her school and my middle DD is a Early Years assisstant in a multi racial Nursery.

The teaching plan is different, reading clicks in, as it should, but isn't always a priority to other "Aims".

You cannot judge the mother on the use of the word "Thick" as others have said it may be the language barrier.

Just proceed slowly, so not to cause anxiety.

Speaking multi languages heightens thought processes, intellect and gives greater language skills and other skills, in the long run.

The studies go back to the 50's and contribute to how children programmes are constructed, they started around the difference in children from middle class and working class homes and the use of language around them.

It would be around the age of 7 that a school would start to "push" reading after other Aims are being fulfilled.

Original poster
Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 14:53

birds absolutely not, I was brought up in a line parent household and if and when I have my own Dcs I am likely to be a lone parent, I'm not saying that at all. SS are involved because the mother has a habit of disappearing off and leaving the dd home alone, I know this because my mum has discovered the dd wandering about late at night alone. There have been issues with bfs in the past too- I know this because the mother has confided in my mum over these. There is next to no family support hence why my mum is so involved, the DDs mother seems to trust her so she listens.

I'm not saying this little girl is thick, her mother is saying that about her and writing her off. :(

OP posts:
Virgil · 03/01/2013 14:54

I am so fed up with these threads where people are warned off teaching a child to read. It's really not rocket science. We can all do it. I am astounded that any "professional" would discourage an adult who is willing to put in her time to help a child who is clearly not getting a lot of adult support with her learning on a one to one basis outside of school.

I taught both of mine to read before they started school, yes I might not have used exactly the same method as the school would have but it really didn't matter since my DCs are now very strong readers.

Sparklyblue · 03/01/2013 14:54

seeking you haven't come across like that at all. I think it is very sweet and caring that you want to help this little girl.
You have had some very harsh replies on here.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2013 14:55

I can totally understand why you are sad about that. Despite the point about language barriers, on the face of it, it does sound a real pity her mum doesn't believe she can do it.

MamaMumra · 03/01/2013 14:57

Sounds like a difficult situation OP
I'm sure your support will be appreciated - have you spoken to the mother about her dd?

ReallyTired · 03/01/2013 14:57

I think the some posters have been very harsh on the OP. I think the OP sounds lovely and she just wants the best for the little girl.

I suggest that the OP reads some lovely children's books to the little girl. Reading to a child is one of the best ways to build a child's vocabulary and enjoyment of literacy.

Teaching a child to read is not rocket science.

aamia · 03/01/2013 14:58

Read to her lots, do her homework and reading book with her. Look up phonics teaching first so you do not confuse her though. Oh, and on bbc and other websites you can find phonics games. Those are all good things to do.

Original poster
Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 15:00

I don't know if she can read in Albanian, I'll have to ask her. She can recognise a few random characters in the other language which my mum also speaks, but not to the point at which she can read.

She can, however, follow the plot of the bbcs adaptation of Little Dorrit, she's been watching it round here and absolutely loves it. Which makes me think she's most certainly not "thick" as the mother is labelling her.

OP posts:
bamboostalks · 03/01/2013 15:02

Well her EAL issues should have resolved now in that she should have caught up by 7 and 4 years in UK school. If you are able to take the time and mum agrees, then go for it.

Startail · 03/01/2013 15:04

Amateur is way better than nothing at all and believe me, having a dyslexic DD, I've had plenty of nothing from school.

If the little girl likes books and adult attention then why not.

DD2 certainly teaches her ESL best friend English and another friend as much as she can of everything.

The other friend probably has mild learning difficulties, but these are greatly added to by being brought up by her somewhat disinterested, dim and totally disorganised extended family.

DD2 assures me she isn't being bossy and that her friend wants to do better. That I think is the important thing you can only teach this little girl if she wants to learn.

gordyslovesheep · 03/01/2013 15:04

OP I find your post a bit cack handed and on the surface it looks a bit odd - I get that you think you can help this girl but you need to have all the facts before jumping in

also if your mum is a childminder are you allowed to work with the kids in her care etc? You could damage her business if the childs mum gets the hump with you

WizardofOs · 03/01/2013 15:04

There may not actually be an issue with this child. I could not read going into year 3. My parents were hugely frustrated with me especially as my older sister was quick to learn. It probably did cross their mind I was 'thick' but to be fair they never let me feel it. They were offered free tutoring from another parent who was a teacher but I refused to go which must have really pissed them off and embarrassed my mum but she didn't get angry with me. I remember being really bemused as to why everyone was so bothered...it was torture by flashcard.

Anyway at some point in year 3 it clicked and I progressed hugely. Going into year 4 I was one of the best readers.

Not saying there is no cause for concern in this case, I came from a hugely supportive family and was surrounded by books, but sometimes it can be like flogging a dead horse if the child is not ready.

GrumpySod · 03/01/2013 15:05

I would ask the little girl if she would like me to help her learn to read "better" in English. And go from there. I don't think OP has said or done or thought anything wrong.

Original poster
Seekingadvice13 · 03/01/2013 15:12

Sorry, should have explained this before- my mums not a childminder, she's just helping the mum out. The mum has been unemployed for years and finally was successful in finding a job, but couldn't completely cover childcare so my mum offered to look after the dd a couple of evenings a week. This is such a breakthrough for the mum that my mum didn't want her to lose the opportunity because she couldn't find childcare for two evenings a week IYSWIM

OP posts:
edam · 03/01/2013 15:12

I think it's a lovely idea and you shouldn't be shouted down - but as people have explained, there are lots of things to think about. Could you have a word with her Mother and ask what the dd enjoys doing, and whether it would help if she did some of her homework while your Mum is minding her, then offer to help with reading? Hopefully you'll find out what the school is doing to support the dd to learn to read English.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2013 15:15

Has your Mother reported finding her wandering alone?

If the situation is bad at home for the girl, just make sure that you don't end up colluding with the mother by taking on too much respponsibilty, which could end whenever the mother chooses it to and will then leave the girl with no support, when services could have been put in place.