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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For telling 11 year old dd she can't come with us to see Les Mis?

212 replies

Picturesinthefirelight · 29/12/2012 22:08

She turned 11 recently, still in primary school. Doesn't know about sex and stuff yet

From reading an American guide for parents website it seems the film shows fantine selling herself in a bit more detail (apparently it shows the man lowering her top, thrusting then leaving after paying)

Dd has friends at school who have been to see 12a films and indeed we have let her watch certain 12 dvd's (hairspray, Star Wars Harry potter etc)

Am I being a prude?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 30/12/2012 09:29

FRONT BOTTOM Shock sorry i read on OP please arm your dd with more information than front bottom if you cant speak to her get her a blooming book you are being unfair on her imo

LuluMai · 30/12/2012 09:35

I told ds very young, about four, including the proper names for everything. Part of the reason I did this is because in my line of work I regularly come across paedophile cases and so often the crimes took place years ago but the victims weren't able to disclose it until they're adults. I want to make sure I have an extremely open relationship with my son when it comes to talking about sex so that if he was ever abused he would know what was happening was wrong, he would be able to describe it and could tell me straight away. He knows that only adults have sex and that adults and other children don't touch each other in certain ways. If your daughter was abused, how would she know what was happening and that was happening was wrong?

McNewPants2013 · 30/12/2012 09:41

OP what if your DD is ill that day it is covered, or starts skipping school, family hoilday.

I can remember the sex talk in school, everyone was laughing and joking about and i don't think i even heard a word the teacher said ( my mum told me all about sex so it didn't matter for me)

countrykitten · 30/12/2012 09:46

Yes...front bottom...?? WTF? What a weird and screwed up family this sounds like. And as a teacher in a lovely indie secondary school where you might imagine that children might be a little more 'sheltered' I can tell you that sex talk is common and that she knows/will have heard about much more than you think. Don't let ignorant playground gossip be her education - this is YOUR job and it seems that you are too embarrassed to do it.

Anyone who uses the term 'front bottom' to their almost pubescent daughter is frankly very strange...and the fact that your husband uses it too is even weirder!! Were you too embarrassed to have the period talk with her which is why he did it?

Oh and as another poster said, learn about anatomy and get your facts straight otherwise maybe you are better leaving it to her Bio teacher.

countrykitten · 30/12/2012 09:48

Like mrsjay's idea that you get her a book actually - there must be lots of decent ones about and that will spare your blushes as it were if you are not up to the job.

ll31 · 30/12/2012 09:49

You are doing your dd a disservice by not speaking to her straight forwardly about sexual matters. Whether you believe it or not 11 year olds discuss sex in playgrounds etc. And if she can't ask you without embarrassment what is true or not etc then she'll find out from someone else. ..

I've had conversation with 11 yr old recently who believed, from playground, that you couldn't't get pregnant first time having sex. ..
Kids these days have access to masses of info on sexual things which go drom factual to nonsense to porn. You need to ensure she can ask you anything without you having made her feel she can't raise' embarrassing' issues with you.

And given your opinions from posts it may actually be very difficult for you to move to where she can have those conversations with you. ..

mrsjay · 30/12/2012 09:51

MYeldest dd would rather stick pins in her eyes than listen to a sex talk Grin but she needed to know so I got her some leaflets from the local health board( as it was at the time) really informative and saved her and my blushes cos tbh I am a little bit of a prude as well and we spoke about it that way,

Quejica · 30/12/2012 09:51

I saw this with my 10 year old son a couple of days ago. We both really enjoyed it. The sex scene is a very small part of the film, and I suspect, went over his head a little. But the film is graphically violent in parts so probably not suitable for a sensitive child.
The music is of course fabulous. I am a die-hard fan of the stage version, and to be honest would prefer to see the stage show again rather than the film.

ll31 · 30/12/2012 09:55

Even in 70s in catholic school in ireland we were talking about sex. . Please talk to her. Knowing about your body is not a bad thing and doesn't't mean growing up too soon, it means more chance of growing up confident.

Himalaya · 30/12/2012 10:03

I took my 13 and 9 year old to see American Idiot the musical before Xmas . It was very explicit. I was a bit shocked. I don't think it caused any damage though. DS2 is definitely one of those well informed younger siblings Grin.

mrsjay · 30/12/2012 10:05

I thought American Idiot had a 16 and over age thing thats why we didnt go because dd2 is only 14 i am now Envy

Startail · 30/12/2012 10:23

I'd be utterly amazed if a Y6 didn't know about sex.

She probably won't have done it formally in school, that tends to be after SATs (DD2 seems never to have done it at all, but DD1 did and Her DFs' school does it quite explicitly).

However, the talk in the playground will go far beyond anything they officially learn.

5Foot5 · 30/12/2012 10:25

I think the best advice so far has come from CoolYuleA. See it yourself first and then make the decision whether or not to go again with your DD. After all you know her best and will be in the best position to make the decision when you know what the content it.

I would say the same about the "knowing about sex", i.e. that you know her best. However, I do strongly doubt that she knows as little as you think at 11 and I personally made sure I was the one who told my DD the basics when she was about 7 because I wanted to make sure she got the right version rather than the garbled version that I got from othr kids when I was about that age.

SusieSusieSheep · 30/12/2012 10:31

I don't understand why you posted on AIBU as you seem fairly determined to not take her. That's fine, if that's what you want, but you should accept that most other people would think it to be a strange decision.

Himalaya · 30/12/2012 10:32

MrsJay - I didn't see an age rating, and I think I was a bit more complacent than I would normally be, about reading the parental guidance advice, because it was a stage show rather than a movie Confused. There was a simulated sex scene which was looooooong Blush and lots of drug taking. I was ok with my 13 year old seeing it, but felt a bit slack in relation to my 9 year old. There were quite a lot of young teens in the audience.

Anyway, their review was "it was good, but not as good as a Green Day concert". So don't feel too Envy Grin.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 30/12/2012 11:13

I posted because I do actually want to take her to see it but from reading more I do feel it so t be suitable.

I'm very squeamish myself (am on with blood but a bit of an emetophobe) so might be watching through my hands in places myself it seems.

Oddly enough none of her friends have older siblings. There is one girl she dances with who has older brothers. The others are all only children, twins or the oldest child.

OP posts:
milf90 · 30/12/2012 11:39

What's so strange about an 11 year old child saying front bottom? I don't think I knew the proper words at 11 :s (and I went on to do a midwifery degree).

Only pictures knows what is appropriate for her daughter. I wasn't ready to find out about sex in year 6 when we did (I actually pulled a sicky that day), but I was ready in year 7 when we did it again. Doesn't mean I got pregnant at 13!

Yes sex ed is important, but I feel if your 11 yr old is engaging in sexual activity then you have a whole heap of other problems that sex ed isn't going to help.

VivaLeBeaver · 30/12/2012 11:44

I know a midwife that says front bottom.

countrykitten · 30/12/2012 12:50

In my world that would be a strike-offable offence!

nightowlmostly · 30/12/2012 12:57

milf90 how can you say that sex ed won't help if a young person is engaging in sexual activity?! Whether it will stop them or not isn't even the point, what about protection from pregnancy and stds?

OP, I don't know whether the film will be suitable for your DD. Even if she knows about sex, that doesn't mean that sexual content in a film will be suitable for her. But please teach her about sex, get a book if you have to, it's really important. Whether she's interested in it yet or not, it's a basic fact of life that she should be aware of.

BackforGood · 30/12/2012 13:37

Great post by milf90, and well done to Pictures for not losing her rag with all the posters being so rude about her parenting, in terms of sex education, when she actually came on to ask opinions about seeing a film.

I happened to be in the corridor at school when my ds and his class came out from one of their sex education lessons in Yr6 - they were horrified Grin. As a cohort, they weren't talking about sex, aged 10 and 11, nor were my older dd's friends, and nor are dd2 (no in Yr6) and her friends. Indeed, nor was I in Primary school. Perhaps you shouldn't judge everybody by your own experience, clearly there are other people in the world with different experiences. I find it amazing that some people on here, profess to know more about the OP's dd's interests and subjects of conversation than the OP does ~ how can that be then ? Confused

I'm not some wierd, prudish, head in the sand, over protective mother, as I doubt that Pictures is either. Indeed, if you want to do a 'search' on me you'll find I was commenting on watching Dirty Dancing with dd2 on a thread last week, talking about talking with her about the fact the dancer has the abortion. We talk about things as thy come up in our house - on the news, in films or TV progs, re what's happening to other people we know, and sometimes, I'll talk about "a friend" or - for example - the fictitious dd or ds of a colleague so we can all talk about subjects that might be more easily aired in a 'one step removed' way rather than talking about themself way. But seriously, you need to get to know a wider range of 10 and 11 yr olds if you really think they, as a whole cohort, have nothing better to occupy their minds than sex.

cantspel · 30/12/2012 14:09

My son had no interest on need to learn algebra as at 11 he had no interest in knowing how spacecraft orbit the earth but he still needs to learn how it works.

It is the same with sex ed. You might not being doing it but you should how how works. It is called educating your child.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 30/12/2012 14:10

And when she is a little older she will be educated.

OP posts:
cantspel · 30/12/2012 14:13

So in the mean time you leave her in ignorance of how her body is changing and leave her at a stage where she could believe rubbish as you have not told her the truth?

brighteyedandbushytailed · 30/12/2012 14:16

If the OP doesn't want her daughter to see Les Mis, that's fine - her child, her choice.

But if she thinks that her daughter has got to 11 without any knowledge or curiousity about sex, either a) her daughter is exceptional or b) she is kidding herself. BackforGood, the fact that your son and his friends were horrified coming out of a lesson doesn't mean they hadn't either discussed it furtively or looked it up/stumbled across it accidently on the internet.

I am not judging OP's parenting in the slightest, but given the relative probabilities of having an 11 year old daughter who knows nothing, has never stumnled across anything and has no interest in finding out about sex against one who has, who may well have a high degree of misinformation and could also internalise the parental unwillingness to discuss sex in ways which may be unhealthy in the future (such as not feeling comfortable establishing boundaries with prospective sexual partners)... well I know the option I'd pick.

I am slightly concerned that the OP hasn't discussed periods with her daughter (who could easily have started or be about to) herself but has seemed to leave it to a partner who appears to be male. I think it's great that men can discuss such things with their daughters. However starting your periods is often confusing and sometimes unpleasant for girls and I think it's important that you know you can speak to your mum or another adult woman you're close to - men don't experience it directly after all. If you haven't shown that you're willing to talk about it, how can you show that you'll be willing to listen, answer questions etc.

For what it's worth I am hugely private about sex and body matters and never displayed any curiousity in front of my parents. But I knew that they and my older sisters were there if I had any questions to ask, and because they brought it up as a topic from time to time I also knew it wasn't shameful.