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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want babies and children at my drinks party?

168 replies

DoctorAnge · 28/12/2012 00:55

Organised a casual drinks party tomorrow to which 3 couples could attend. Had one couple who couldn't get a sitter so couldn't.
One woman texted me this eve and hinted that she had no sitter and could her 5 yo son come along. Another today to say she had her 3 m old can she bring him.
I feel morally that as one couple couldn't come as no babysitter and the other remaining have obviously organised one, to now have children there would be rude to them do you see what I mean?
Also they obviously had no intention of booking a sitter but didn't tell me beforehand. Confused I didnt have that kind of gathering in mind at all when I arranged this or would have said children welcome.. Agh AIBU to say to them that I can't accommodate children at this party?
I feel like I am in the wrong somehow.

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2012 17:31

A full blown house party bustling with people, loud music and loads of alcohol and atmosphere. A wedding. A big birthday do. A meal out. A pub/club crawl.

All things for which I would happily arrange and pay for childcare.

Being one of six people at someones house for nibbles and drinks is not really special enough to warrant a sitter imho.

Maybe I would if I had sitters on tap but it's not that easy for us.

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 17:33

So its the numberof people which makes it special? I don't tend to like being in a crowd

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 28/12/2012 17:38

I would have thought that the chance to socialise with adults and no children is special enough to pay a babysitter for...

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2012 17:46

Casual drinks for 6 in a house is not something I'd pay a sitter for tbh.

Each to their own of course.

We don't have sitters on tap and have to pay when we want a child free night. If I had family able to sit easily then it really wouldn't be an issue either way iyswim?

gettingeasier · 28/12/2012 17:49

Bit offensive really this idea that there is a scale of whether an invite is worth getting a sitter for Hmm

AfterEightMintyy · 28/12/2012 17:51

It isn't offensive! How is it offensive?

RosemaryandThyme · 28/12/2012 17:57

Umm, round here sitter cost would be £25-30 for 4 or so hours of an evening, bung on a tray of nibbles, possible cab fare, nice bottle or two to take and a frock without baby sick, looks like a bit of a pricey evening, nice but can the others afford it ?

gettingeasier · 28/12/2012 17:58

Well in this instance the OP has bought champagne , got canapes and other food too all of which is time effort and money. She has invited some people who she presumably likes and wants to spend time with and has looked forward to the evening.

Of course we have no idea what her guests are thinking or the veracity of their failed babysitting arrangements but if its a case of "oh actually thinking about it that evening isnt worth paying a sitter for " then I think that is hurtful and offensive

gettingeasier · 28/12/2012 18:00

The issue of affordability is separate.

If that was what you and enorma meant then ok but I read it as a more casual snub of the kind of evening on offer. My mistake.

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2012 18:01

Well, if you don't accommodate DC you won't have any party.

It's up to you.

Can't you stick all the DC in another room with a video?

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 28/12/2012 18:05

I don't see why anyone should pay a small fortune on going out to a restaurant/wine bar/night club just to have a child free event. Nor should they have to have a racuous, noisy, people filled party at home, that goes on to 3am and annoys the neighbours.

Having children at a party, no matter how small/big/quiet/noisy does change the dynamic. The OP wants an adult only affair and she has every right to host a child free party if that's what she wants. Of course she can't expect everybody to accept the invite but she can expect everybody to respect the t&c's and decline if they can't/don't want to get a babysitter.

My DC are at the age where I don't need a babysitter but if I did have to and then arrived at a party to find children there I'd be pissed off.

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2012 18:15

Yes it has a lot to do with cost and the ease of arranging a sitter. A night has to be a bit special to warrant that tbh.

I would never snub a pals night to cause offence.

But I think expecting pals to fork out for childcare when it's just casual drinks for 6 is a bit off.

Again, this would be completely different if we had family that could help.

Shinyshoes1 · 28/12/2012 18:28

Yanbu BUT . I think it should be completely child free if that's what you want . You can let the mother bring her 3mo and expect the mother of the 5yo to understand . I wouldn't I'd be pissed off if I turned up and there was the 3mo there . It's either kids or no kids .

I understand that some people think that leaving a 3mo is not on , but it's for one evening , somewhere between 7pm and midnight I'm assuming , a baby can be left for about 6 hours with someone else for ONE evening

AfterEightMintyy · 28/12/2012 18:32

Surely everyone has some weighing up to do before going on an evening out? Mine always start with "Do I actually enjoy spending time with the person who has invited me?" After that the cost of babysitter and travel feature pretty highly. As someone with no unpaid childcare on tap, a night out for me and my dh always starts with a bill of at least £30 before we even step out of the door. When we had a 3 month old nothing was worth the hassle quite frankly. That is not offensive.

But, as I have said all along, op's invitees should have replied much sooner and they were rude not to.

AfterEightMintyy · 28/12/2012 18:34

Shinyshoes - I'm not sure an ebf 3 month old could happily be left for 6 hours?

Mumsyblouse · 28/12/2012 18:34

I don't think having a party without children is a right, like a moral right, it's just a preference.

Obviously not one the invitees share, once they thought through the practical consequences and cost.

Shinyshoes1 · 28/12/2012 18:34

Oh and to add . If I couldn't get a sitter I wouldn't go , I wouldn't ask to bring my child on what was an adult only evening that's just rude and putting the hosts in an awkward position

CaptChaos · 28/12/2012 18:36

It's your party so it's your call

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 28/12/2012 19:16

I don't think anyone has a right to take their child to an adults only party because they can't/won't get a babysitter.

Having said that I keep forgetting in this instance one of the children is a 3 month old so I'll amend my earlier statement of being pissed off at finding children at an adult event to exclude those who are still ebf/eff. However, I'll also add that if said child does not settle after a certain period of time then they should be took home.

Babsjansen · 28/12/2012 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmaspuddingsaga · 29/12/2012 07:12

YANBU to not want the 5yo. But I think babes in arms are fine at a grownup party.It's when parents don't realise there rampaging 18mo no longer falls into that catagory that there is problem.IMO

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 29/12/2012 07:46

I am genuinely baffled that anyone judges the quality of an evening - and whether it's 'worth' paying a babysitter - on the basis of how many people will be there! For me it's about having a good time with my friends. I'd happily pay a sitter so I could spend time with just one or two friends. Maybe I'm just lucky to have such fab friends Smile

OP YANBU - of course you're not. Perfectly reasonable to invite people over in the evening in the expectation that kids will be tucked up in bed. Agree that little sleepy babies can be brought (and taken away if they don't sleep!), but otherwise I don't understand why people would assume that an evening invite means bring children.

Hurrah for kid-free time - wish there was more if it!

Binkybix · 29/12/2012 10:19

I agree that some child free time with a few of my closest friends wold be amazing right now and better than a big party. I know it's just the way it is, and cant really be helped, but I feel like I've not had a proper conversation with the two with small babies for a very long time. I miss them!

I'm pregnant now and really feel for my child-free, non-pregnant friend in the group when the conversation is all about children, or being interrupted, or steered to pregnancy (try not to talk about it too much).

Stinkyminkymoo · 29/12/2012 10:39

Hmm... I think YABU about the 3mo, getting a babysitter for my 4mo would make me feel uncomfortable. I had this recently but my dd was invited, I got my dh to babysit as I wouldn't have wanted to leave her with a stranger she's my pfb see! but I also felt that people would quite like an evening without a crying baby being a bit annoying.

On the other hand, YANBU re the 5yo. That's a whole different kettle of fish to a babe in arms. It could be running around screaming and being a general PITA.

The thing is that lots of parents especially my db & sil seem to think that everyone loves their little darling running around and most likely being a nuisance, when sometimes it should just be adult time no way am I referring to my family Christmas

calmlychaotic · 29/12/2012 19:00

well I cancelled my party and am going out to bars and pubs where I can guarantee no kids!