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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want babies and children at my drinks party?

168 replies

DoctorAnge · 28/12/2012 00:55

Organised a casual drinks party tomorrow to which 3 couples could attend. Had one couple who couldn't get a sitter so couldn't.
One woman texted me this eve and hinted that she had no sitter and could her 5 yo son come along. Another today to say she had her 3 m old can she bring him.
I feel morally that as one couple couldn't come as no babysitter and the other remaining have obviously organised one, to now have children there would be rude to them do you see what I mean?
Also they obviously had no intention of booking a sitter but didn't tell me beforehand. Confused I didnt have that kind of gathering in mind at all when I arranged this or would have said children welcome.. Agh AIBU to say to them that I can't accommodate children at this party?
I feel like I am in the wrong somehow.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 16:06

Every couple I know who has fairly recently had a baby have been out at least once by the time the baby is 6 weeks. Just for a couple of hours, to a party or for a meal.

I know one couple who haven't been out as a couple since before their 5 year old was born. They call each other Mummy and Daddy Hmm

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 16:07

You're joking! That is completely the opposite of my experience!

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 16:08

Also,my mum went back to work (had to,it was the 80's) when I was 3 months old. I was left with a trusted relative all day Shock. There's been no lasting emotional damage. I was cared for and fed,presumably quite happy with that.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 16:10

Fives no honest! I was quite surprised myself (I don't have children yet) but they did/do. Not often mind,I think just a couple of hours a of couple time and then back to being with baby.

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 16:11

You seem quite defensive about this. I wouldn't have left my 3 month old for more than half an hour. Exclusively breastfed meant that feedng would be a problem. Never been left before meant it would hae been difficult for them and for me. No judgement on how anyone else chooses to parent, but I was under the impressio this was fairly common - certainly the people I know seem to feel the same.

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 16:13

Sorry, your last post was obviously an x post with mine and you weren't getting all defensive at me :)

BackforGood · 28/12/2012 16:15

Well, mine are older now Five, but 3 months was all the maternity leave we got. You know, oddly, a whole generation of children survived just fine with their parents out at work for a lot more than a couple of hours a day. Honestly, it really is pretty normal to pop out for a couple/few hours to just relax without the baby.

apostrophethesnowman · 28/12/2012 16:16

When I had my first child it was common to stay in the hospital for a few days after the birth. Our local hospital had a scheme where after the baby was born you could leave the baby with the nursing staff in the ward, go out with your husband to get a meal/spend some time together, then return to the ward. Your weren't discharged, you just had a few hours out. They stopped it when the 48 hours stay was introduced.

I personally didn't use it by I saw a few women do it.

I know that's a bit off on a tangent there - but it just popped into my head as I was reading this thread!

Puts leaving a three month old for a couple of hours into perspective maybe.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 16:16

Fives I'm not meaning to come across as defensive at all. I was just relaying my own experiences.

I find sometimes what I type would come across so much better if it was a spoken conversation not a written one!

I don't think there's anything wrong with Op not wanting children/babies at the party. I don't think there's anything wrong with the parents of the 3mo not wanting to leave him/her either.

Though I mentioned my mother had to go back to work when I was 3mo,it was out of necessity not choice. But I have turned out to be hopefully fine.

AfterEightMintyy · 28/12/2012 16:20

The vast majority of mothers do not go back to work when their baby is only 3 months old. A breastfed baby who does not take a bottle could perhaps be left with a trusted adult (although quite where you conjure one of those up if you have no hands-on and willing grandparents nearby) for a couple of hours but, really, arranging all that is the most enormous effort for the kind of event op is proposing. Going to that kind of effort is something people might consider for a really special occasion - family wedding or best friend's significant birthday maybe. Not a suburban drinks party with a few other couples.

pigletmania · 28/12/2012 16:21

It's an ADULT party NO CHILDREN. If 3 month baby s to young to be left don't go there will be other opportunities to do so.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 16:27

AfterEight but they used to. It was quite common place. Women either went back to work after 3 months or they were stay at home mums.

It doesn't matter anyway. The OP isn't saying "oh my god how ridiculous they won't leave their 3mo baby". She's saying she doesn't want the baby there.

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2012 16:30

I am all up for adults only nights out and parties.

Tbh though, if I'd gone to the trouble and expense of getting a sitter to attend an adults house party to find only 4 other people and some champagne there I would be pissed off. 2 couples going to someone's house for drinks and nibbles isn't childcare worthy for me.

Technoprisoners · 28/12/2012 16:31

tbh I would just accept the 5 yr old and the baby this time - I know you hadn't envisaged it, but unless you expressly stated something along the lines of "sorry, but let's have a child-free evening and do something with children another time" when you issued the invitation, you ought to leave it to individual couples' arrangements whether they do/do not bring their children. If you and one other couple have made arrangements for your children, it puts the onus on the other couples to have made arrangements, and therefore their children at the drinks party their problem, ifswim. Could you have a dvd or some other thing going on in another room for the 5 yr old? You could always phone Couple X and say "there aren't going to be any other 5 year olds .... do you think he/she will be okay" (massive hint).

AfterEightMintyy · 28/12/2012 16:32

Exactly, Enorma.

We3bunniesOfOrientAre · 28/12/2012 16:33

I probably wouldn't leave mine at 3 months with anyone other than a relative as they were all a nightmare (although that would imply sleep), didn't sleep, wouldn't take bottle or prescription formula, and we have no relatives nearby, but dh would probably have stayed at home or as neighbours might have done shifts. If they were asleep (ha ha) might have taken them in pushchair and retreated if they woke. I don't think many people would object to a sleeping baby, an awake one is a different matter.

The 5yr old should not be at an adults party. Maybe next time make more of a thing about it being adults only with the invite - tell them that your dc are at grandparents etc. Rare night to let hair down. Don't think we have ever paid for babysitter, we swop favours with friends and have friends who move in different circles who don't mind sitting for us if we then sit for them on another occassion.

Original poster
DoctorAnge · 28/12/2012 16:34

No I understand about the baby. It has been a learning experience this has for me :). I invited them because I know DH and I were desperate for a few hours out at this age which we happily took in shifts. Also when I first asked they were gagging to accept and said we will arrange a sitter for a few hours. I suppose the reality has set in now for them as it does!

What I feel is odd is that they didn't just say they couldn't come as they had no sitter. Both couples asked to bring their children to a late drinks/ cocktail gathering which I really don't want if I'm honest.
This thread has been v helpful thank you all.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 28/12/2012 16:37

It's reasonable to want a child-free party.

It's reasonable to not want to leave your 3 month old baby for an evening (especially if you don't have any trusted relatives to hand)

Hell, it's even reasonable not to want to leave your five year old with a babysitter, if you don't want to.

It's not reasonable to accept an invitation to a child-free party and then expect to bring your kids. I say that as someone who has 3 kids, no relatives living within 150 miles, and a two year old who is clingy as velcro, and who will only happily settle with a few chosen people, who sometimes are not available over Christmas.

OP did everyone really "get" that it was meant to be a proper grown up do (with blinis) at the time of the invitation?

Original poster
DoctorAnge · 28/12/2012 16:39

Enorma that's not my fault. They accepted my invite and didn't ask about bringing children. Many have said here they would be pissed off if they arrived and there were babies and children there. Its not just champagne either.
Seems I can't win. Confused

OP posts:
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 28/12/2012 17:06

YANBU at all.

The people that were invited knew the score, they arrange baby sitters or miss out. I am not able to go to a party tomorrow as I cant get a sitter for my daughter, I wouldnt dream of asking if she can go with me too.

There are very few parties now that dont include children, plenty of times that children are included, it nice occasionally to have a child free party.

Enjoy your party, you have absolutely no reason to feel difficult about things.

OhDearNigel · 28/12/2012 17:08

Id have told you to stuff your stupid party up your arse
Well if that's your attitude I doubt you get many invites out

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 17:12

Genuine question - a few people have said a few other people and some champagne is not special enough. What would count as special?

Scuttlebutter · 28/12/2012 17:20

OP, I'd just like to add that YANBU. My perspective on this is coming as a guest, who doesn't have DC. Unfortunately children present at an occasion like this do alter the dynamic, and they have a completely magnetic effect on the conversation. What starts out as what you think will be a interesting adult's party where you can talk about economics or something, ends up as being dominated by parents conversing about SATs and how darling Tarquin isn't being sufficiently stretched by the G & T programme. The worst is when you get a roomful of women doing competitive labour stories. "No, I had 27 stitches without anaesthetic and a prolapsed tonsil." "Well, my midwife had to use the hacksaw on me and said I had the biggest piles she had ever seen" etc. etc. Please stick to your plan and have a lovely adult evening.

JenaiMathis · 28/12/2012 17:20

A slippery nipple at the Dagmar, fives.

That'd be super special Wink

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 17:23

:o
I want sometging special

I am bored!