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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad with my friend and want to end our friendship altogether ?

233 replies

thingsthatrhymewithorange · 26/12/2012 14:27

My friend has had three terminations in the past 5 years.
After each one she has said she never wants to go through it again
She hasn't waited to have sex for the 2 weeks your supposed to, to prevent infection the past two times, therefore risking getting pg again.

She phoned last week to say she thinks she may be pg again as she has been having unprotected sex since she came off the injection about six months ago.

I wanted to hang up on her I was so angry. She's an idiot and i cant be arsed with her anymore.

WIBU of me to try and drift away from her She's been such a twat I don't know if i can hold my tongue any longer. So its either say what i think and loose the friendship or try and distance myself and save the arguement.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 26/12/2012 19:57

actually we are talking about a woman making a legal choice - whether you 'agree' or not is utterly irrelevant

no one is asking 'you' to have multiple terminations, approve of them or be her friend

the OP can be friend with who she wishes

the rest is just pointless

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 19:59

This is not about giving equal value to a human life as to a cat, it's an analogy. It's about making an awful situation better, but recognizing that it is not good to get into awful situations through wanton negligence.

Original poster
thingsthatrhymewithorange · 26/12/2012 20:04

chrismissymoomoomee

Each time Iv'e fallen pg iv'e been using contraception. First pregnancy
microgy-whatever it is. Second I was on the injection and third I was on cerazette. I'm now sterilised because I cant risk getting pg again.

The serilisation is something i'm still struggling to deal with but not much support from her on that issue again.

Was said upthread, you may have missed it.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 20:06

That's a very good point actually chrismis I could get equally fired up about the OP's three accidental PGs too. I don't condone her having so many unplanned babies, in who knows what circumstances that may have been less than ideal, either. I just don't get why so many women can't get the hang of birth control. Confused

We can all make mistakes. But some people just make so fucking many.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 20:07

Crossed posts things sorry, in light of what you've just said, but Boy, you have been unlucky. Shock But also pretty unusual I would imagine.

Ephiny · 26/12/2012 20:14

I am entirely pro-choice, but tbh I would probably start to run out of sympathy if someone kept getting themselves into the same needless predicament and expecting me to be 'supportive'.

She sounds like hard work. I don't think I could be bothered with her.

GailTheGoldfish · 26/12/2012 20:19

Following on from whereyouleftit a couple of pages back, I think that if you take abortion out of this situation all together you are left with a person who is in a behaviour cycle that they are not doing anything at all to change and expecting their friend to be available to deal with the consequences every time it happens. That gets really wearing. It may well be that this person needs some kind of support to change her behaviour but I don't think the responsibility is on the OP's shoulder to give that.

curiousuze · 26/12/2012 20:36

But abortion IS birth control. And uh oh, I've had two, and one was 2nd trimester...prepares 'whore' bell

So what's the alternative OP? She should stay pregnant as punishment for having sex?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/12/2012 20:40

curious of course it is...but it wouldn't be most women's first choice method.

The fact that you have had abortions and the stage at which they took place...that's your business and both were presumably the right decision for you.

I think abortion here is a red herring. OP's friend is a person who appears to be behaving self destructively,is unable or unwilling to change and gives the OP nothing in return for her continuing support regarding her on going self destructive behaviours.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 20:41

BC is supposed to prevent PG not remove it.

Spero · 26/12/2012 20:45

So what about the coil? Is that unacceptable? As far as I understand it, the coil prevents the zygote implanting on uterus wall - so conception has already occurred.

Alwaysasking · 26/12/2012 20:47

Actually the coil works in various ways- "The IUD is designed to prevent sperm meeting the egg and to stop a fertilised egg attaching to the lining of your womb". Bupa Health.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 20:48

So what's the alternative OP? She should stay pregnant as punishment for having sex?

Seriously, how can you argue with people who are this dim?

Let's try this again shall we. The woman is repeatedly, self-destructively, having unprotected sex resulting in unwanted PGs. The answer is glaringly obvious. She should be using contraception. If she were to use contraception then there would be nothing to need to punish her for.

Alwaysasking · 26/12/2012 20:50

lol FellatioNelson I completely agree. Gahhh Wine

hopkinette · 26/12/2012 20:50

Seriously, how can you argue with people who are this dim?

I know you're not among them Fallatio, but there are lots of pro-lifers who do actually hold this view, so it's not all that bizarre that people should be talking about it.

curiousuze · 26/12/2012 20:56

Yes because no pro-lifers think pregnancy should be used as a punishment for sex. Have you honestly never encountered that argument or are you a little dim yourself?

CanAnybodyMakeSenseofThis · 26/12/2012 20:58

"If she were to use contraception then there would be nothing to need to punish her for."

So, you do want to punish her for having too many abortions?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/12/2012 21:01

Yanbu. Don't be friends with someone you clearly don't like or approve of.

Alwaysasking · 26/12/2012 21:02

Curious this was already discussed a few pages back -
*No-one is saying that she should be forced to have the baby. That is the last thing I would suggest.

But it doesn't stop people feeling hugely uncomfortable that she is repeatedly starting a life and then ending it, as opposed to just you know...not starting it. how hard is that to understand?*

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 21:14

Hahaha, no of course I don't want to punish her for anything, I was just pointing out that if only the silly woman would use some BC then even if someone did feel that in theory she should be punished for having sex, it would be irrelevant.

I know that some pro-lifers, usually Catholics, do think that way - or not so much that PG is a punishment, so much as an inevitable consequence that should not be resisted. However, I do not think that that was what curious had in mind, when she said it.

I took it to mean 'so you think she should be forced to have the baby just because you don't approve of her casual attitude to BC, and her willingness to have repeated abortions.'

And it is not about that. And I get frustrated with people who deliberately refuse to see that it is not about that.

Piemother · 26/12/2012 21:20

Aside from the abortion debate thing what's happening is that you and your friend have values so different that its made it c difficult for you to be friends with her.
I sadly ended a friendship a few years ago because if this. Ironically it was about my former friend and multiple unplanned babies and various other life choices. It was c hard and I miss her but I can't be friends with someone I so fundamentally disagree with.

Op yanbu and I empathise

Spero · 26/12/2012 21:28

So I repeat - what about the coil? If it prevents a fertilised egg attaching to the uterus it has not prevented conception. It is not a contraceptive. Tha seems to be the complaint against this woman, that she wontprevent conception. Nor do coil users.

I understand the argument about being a drain in NHS. So what if she pays privately for the abortions?

SantasHoHoHo · 26/12/2012 21:29

You're friend is reckless IMO. She has no regard for her health or sexual health of other partners if she doesn't use protection.

Alwaysasking · 26/12/2012 21:31

It's very rare that the coil fails to prevent conception as they work in 2 preventative ways

  1. they prevent your partner's sperm from getting through your womb and into your tubes
  2. they alter the secretions (mucus) in your cervix, creating a further barrier for sperm

I am anti-abortion in that I wouldn't do it myself and I have the coil - this was something I discussed at length with family planning doctor who assured me this is highly unlikely.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 21:34

But with a coil I don't think the fertilized egg ever gets a chance to grow on. At all. That's the difference. I have no problem with the MAP either for the same reasons, but it is not there to be used a regular bail-out, is it? It is for emergencies, and unforeseen circumstances, the same as abortion. But her situation can hardly be described as unforeseen.

Look, if everyone in theory had a hundred abortions all at one week PG then I'd have no grounds for complaint about the foetus; only about the 99 x of wasted resources, after the first lesson did not get learnt. But the simple fact is that no-one gets an abortion at one week PG do they?