Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad with my friend and want to end our friendship altogether ?

233 replies

thingsthatrhymewithorange · 26/12/2012 14:27

My friend has had three terminations in the past 5 years.
After each one she has said she never wants to go through it again
She hasn't waited to have sex for the 2 weeks your supposed to, to prevent infection the past two times, therefore risking getting pg again.

She phoned last week to say she thinks she may be pg again as she has been having unprotected sex since she came off the injection about six months ago.

I wanted to hang up on her I was so angry. She's an idiot and i cant be arsed with her anymore.

WIBU of me to try and drift away from her She's been such a twat I don't know if i can hold my tongue any longer. So its either say what i think and loose the friendship or try and distance myself and save the arguement.

OP posts:
CanAnybodyMakeSenseofThis · 26/12/2012 15:43

The fact that she uses abortion as a form of birth control, is a terrible reason to abandon her. Her body, her choice. I'd never do that to a friend.

What for?

Original poster
thingsthatrhymewithorange · 26/12/2012 15:48

I don't think women should have to feel a certain way after termination. I didn't expect my friend to be grieving after each one.
I massively struggle in trying understand why she puts herself in such a position and doesn't attempt to prevent it. Then expects me to have sympathy for her after the procedure.

OP posts:
cardamomginger · 26/12/2012 15:49

I had a friend who repeatedly made decisions that were obviously stupid and damaging to her. She wouldn't or couldn't change. It was emotionally exhausting and I felt utterly taken for granted. In the end I broke off the friendship. But it was at least in part because she wasn't giving anything to the friendship, it felt like I was expected to be there to deal with the aftermath whenever she made one of her disastrous decisions.

Original poster
thingsthatrhymewithorange · 26/12/2012 15:50

cardamomginger snap

OP posts:
cardamomginger · 26/12/2012 15:53

YANBU. Whatever the issue is, if the relationship is sucking you dry they way my friendship sucked me dry, it's not sustainable. I'm sorry Sad. It's horrible when a friendship dies.

cardamomginger · 26/12/2012 15:54

the not they....

cardamomginger · 26/12/2012 16:00

My ex-friend kept going back to her cheating, lying BF, having unprotected sex and getting herself infected with STDs and expecting me to deal with it. I knew why she was being as self-destructive as she was (and she wouldn't address those issues either), but in the end I couldn't cope with it any more. We had a massive argument one time when I didn't jump as soon as she called, she accused me of all kinds of neglectful and unsupportive behaviour, and I broke it off. The relief and peace I felt when she was out of my life was amazing. I don't think that makes me a cow. We all have limits and sometimes we need to listen to them and respect them.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/12/2012 16:03

YANBU to feel totally drained by your friend's behaviour. It all sounds really attention seeking behaviour. I have a friend who was like this. Luckily she's grown up loads and is much more stable than before. But when we were younger omg the constant dramas- many of which she could have prevented herself. And yes she had a few terminations in her time.

It seems your friend is a bit of a rubbish friend to you so you'd probably feel much better ditching her. Friendship is a 2 way thing after all and she doesnt support you by the sound if it.

Narked · 26/12/2012 16:04

'So, you are exactly in the same positions (multiple unplanned pregnancies) but you went through with them and she didn't, and you judge her for that?'

I agree with CailinDana

ninjasquirrel · 26/12/2012 16:04

I can understand why you'd get annoyed with a friend who repeatedly does something silly like stopping using contraception and then demands emotional support each time.

But some posters on this thread are assuming that if you have an abortion you must feel bad unless you are "completely feckless and uncaring". If you see the foetus as a ball of cells, not a human, then there's no need to feel guilty, any more than about preventing new life by using contraception. The cost to the NHS is a whole other issue of course.

Narked · 26/12/2012 16:07

You don't have to be friends with her but stop judging her. Would it be a better idea for someone who can't manage to get an injection once every 6 months to be a mother?

MrsFlibble · 26/12/2012 16:43

If you take the abortion side out of it, she needs education in the potential diseases she could catch aswell, as some diseases can leave in you infertile, and a few years down the line and she really wanted children, and to be told she cant have them would a sad story.

Sometimes abortion is the only option, but OP's friend has major lapses in judgement.

No one see that girl on this morning, who never used protection and had a the worst case of genital herpes her doctor her seen but still planned on having unprotected sex.

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 26/12/2012 17:02

I am pro choice but still don't like the idea of someone refusing to take responsibility for contraception in this way. She sounds as if she likes the drama and also as if she also expects other people to constantly fix her problems. Both are offputting. It's that attitude I find deplorable not the number of terminations. Plus the cost to the NHS is an issue.

hopkinette · 26/12/2012 17:05

It seems that in order to "qualify" to make the choice to have an abortion you must be entirely innocent (ie be pregnant due to a mistake rather than bad judgement) and you must find it very hard and never want to do it again. Otherwise you're indecent and shameful. Interesting.

Yup. Looks like a lot of people's support for women's right to bodily integrity is conditional upon women being extravagantly contrite about exercising that right. It makes no sense to me.

TheMonster · 26/12/2012 17:13

Medical time and money is being spent on her just because she can't be bothered to use contraception. I couldn't be friends with her.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/12/2012 17:17

No I don't think women have to be contrite about exercising their right to an abortion. If I had to have an abortion I wouldn't be apologising to anybody. Depending on the circumstances it might make me reconsider some things going forwards.

But this woman...it's not just about the abortions. She is having unprotected sex with men who presumably are not the best kind of men (never met a nice bloke who isn't bothered about contraception). She's putting herself in all kinds of danger. She expects OP to pick up the pieces and is generally a drain on her. Why should Op put up with it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2012 17:18

"I massively struggle in trying understand why she puts herself in such a position and doesn't attempt to prevent it. Then expects me to have sympathy for her after the procedure."
I think you've put your finger on something there OP. There is something deliberate about her behaviour. It's above and beyond carelessness. "After each one she has said she never wants to go through it again", and yet - she takes no action that would prevent her going through it again. Indeed she actively puts herself in that position. So there's something about going through it again that gives her something, and that something is other people's concern and sympathy. (Although she's not too good at giving concern and sympathy, is she?)

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 17:18

Abortion is never a nice thing to do, or an easy thing to do, but it is often the best thing to do and the right thing to do.

But people who can do it repeatedly and without conscience, because they are too lazy/disorganised to take steps to prevent multiple unwanted pregnancies disgust me. We are so lucky to have safe, legal, free abortion in the UK and it sickens me that some women abuse that right.

Mia4 · 26/12/2012 17:24

I'm not commenting on the part about the abortions, because I think people have pretty much said it all in regards to it, everyone be they pro-choice or prolife have shades of grey when it comes to abortion and everyone's a bit hypocritical when it comes to this and other things.

That aside, pregnancy is not the worst thing that can come out of unprotected sex so your friend is actually pretty lucky she only got pregnant, a least with that outcome you have a choice. With something like HIV, not so much. Something she needs to think on there, she sounds pretty self destructive to risk her health via STDs, not to mention abortion and pregnancy carry their own risks too.

Ignoring what she does if she falls pregnant, if your friend has a big habit of behaving irresponsibly by not bothering with contraception at all and then comes crying to you about it each time then i get why you'd be sick and tired of it. Repeating the same stupid mistake is extremely annoying, worse so if you're the person who has to hear the bitching about it and support them. If contraception had failed or if it wasn't a repeat mistake then that would be something different but it sounds like this is lather, rinse repeat.

So it's simple OP. Don't. If you are that emotional crutch, whatever your friend is repeating constantly-lack of contraception etc- isn't going to stop. So either tell them you aren't interested because it's always the same thing and your tired of hearing her do it again and again, or just bite your teeth and put up with it. With the former your friendship may not survive but the question is; do you want it to? It sounds like (from comments) you've drifted apart anyway.

Spero · 26/12/2012 17:26

I don't think you can simply assume she is lazy, feckless, reckless whatever. Another perspective could be that she is very unhappy with zero self esteem and is just not lookng after herself. She is not simply using abortion as a contraceptive but having unprotected sex with men who by definition must be arseholes who don't care about her.

If she was once your friend, there must have been something about her you liked, admired or whatever. Can't you say to her that you are very worried about her and where her choices might lead her? If she won't listen or brushes you off, maybeit is time to end the friendship.

I am just very uneasy about the very judgmental tone of some of these posts, saying she is just a lazy cow. I think there is almost more going on in these kind of scenarios.

gordyslovesheep · 26/12/2012 17:30

you do not have to be friends with anyone you don't want to - so for that alone I do NOT understand the AIBU question

I suspect you are stirring the anti abortion pot a little - I am pro choice - I may privately disagree or dislike some implications of that but it wont stop be defending and support women like your friend and their right to make legal choices about their bodies

CanAnybodyMakeSenseofThis · 26/12/2012 17:57

I'm shocked that in 2012, terms like 'shameful' and 'decent woman' are being used in relation to this subject.

So, how many abortions is a woman allowed before she has to wear a bell around her kneck?

Alwaysasking · 26/12/2012 18:03

In this day and age, with all the contraception available, there is no excuse for the continuous use of abortion. As soon as I gave birth (I was 18, at uni and terrified but could not go through with abortion) I had the coil fitted. I think it's sad that some women do not or cannot comprehend the gravity of abortion. It is disrespectful to continuously use termination and I certainly could not be friends with somebody who did this.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 18:05

And I am shocked that in 2013 with decades of free and safe contraception behind us that some women still cannot learn to use it.

Alwaysasking · 26/12/2012 18:08

FellatioNelson exactly