To tell MIL off? I think I was and now feel a bit bad. sorry long.

[AutumnGlory]

We were having a family out, trip to the theatre before Christmas. It was a long play of 2 hours with a 20 minutes break in the middle. Just before we go inside to find our seats I took dd (5) to the toilets and said to her she could have the left over of her juice during the interval so she can also go to the toilet again and she is not to have any drinks after she has been to the toilet and before we seat for the second part (Mil heard everything) So during the break MIL takes her to the toilet and just before the play starts again they come back with a large glass of slush. I (regretfully) say nothing and let dd drink it. When the play is coming to an end, just moments before the crucial best part, dd needs the toilet and MIL takes her but comes back when the curtains are down and dd just gets to see the whole cast there getting the applauses but not the End. When we go out I than tell dd that I'm going to the toilet and that is the right time to go, not during the play, MIL than interferes saying that it is what children do, and I say back: 'only when adults give them drinks when they are not supposed to'. Now I know I maybe over reacted and I wasn't gonna say anything to her if she didn't interfere in my conversation with dd, but we paid a lot of money for the tickets and we were looking forward to go, I didn't want dd to miss any single bit. I'm used to take her to theatre and ballet and we don't consume liquids just for the sake of it nor eat food that will make us thirsty when I know we are there to enjoy the show and will miss out if spending time going to toilets if it is not a break. But maybe I was too harsh?

Sure, I didn't say otherwise.

At some point the OP will have to relinquish control over their child, though and it will probably be a far easier process if she's been a little flexible during their childhood.

I'm sad. Apparently MIL is not talking to me. She was treating be reasonably nicely over Christmas not to spoils the whole thing, but this morning I sent her 2 txt messages (not related to the incident but related about something we were arranging together) that didn't need an immediate reply (but she would have replied straight away in normal circumstances) and she didn't reply yet. Maybe she is playing games / trying to punish me, I don't know. It sucks.

Regarding the ice drink when you have a cold, I don't know scientifically what's is wrong or right, but it is a cultural habit that I was brought up with and never thought twice. I have Arab friends who think the same way. Yes I'm Brazilian. Have to name change now.

why do you think she is 'playing games' or 'trying to punish you'?? has she form for that

sounds really like you dont like her. You can keep blaming your clashes on 'cultural differences' but from what you have written here, that aint it..and until you choose to deal with it, doesnt sound like you will make head-way with MiL. Do you want to? Or is she too sub-standard for you really?

OP there are cultures in Asia that have the same belief about cold things with a site throat.

"Sore" not "site". Autocorrect!

It's not about the inevitable relinquishment of a child, it's about a parent, a person, setting boundaries and expecting them to be respected.

My child is 7, he would not be allowed coke, not in any situation. I would not allow a slush puppy if he had a cold, and if I'd decided that enough liquids had been drunk, there would be no more.

OP has a right to be heard, and her wishes respected. Or the MIL will have to understand that she WON'T be trusted to provide unsupervised care for her GD.

You're a good Mum OP, don't let her undermine you. what does your H say about all this?

to me it doesnt read like a MiL who is trying to undermine a mother....

Seems to me OP needs to spell out her feelings about spagghetti hoops/slush puppies/ cold drinks and affect on immune system etc etc and how strongly she feels about that....MiL is probably a bit as its all a bit high-strung something over nothing isn't it

I said that - maybe - she is playing games/trying to punish because normally she replies to my messages and normally we communicate well. And also she is very interested on she subject of my txt. Obviously I feel guilty for having snapped at her and I still feel bad about the whole thing. I feel I had the right to say something but I should have been more diplomatic and now I'm feeling like a barbarian/cave woman/rude/nasty person. I won't even bring this up to Dh, he will agree with many people here (she is the granny/allowed to give treats on a family day out/it was the theatre/ nothing wrong with going to toilet - he himself drank 3 beers and went to toilet and doesn't share my 'obsession' with not missing out the show - he will definitely think I over reacted and treated his mum bad when she was trying to do something good and because it was Christmas time I should have been more relaxed about boundaries) bla bla bla. He isn't going to be supportive on this one.

My country is in South America, I won't say which one.

Why not?

Is it because that way you can't be proved wrong about all the things you say about your country and the people/customs etc?

Or is there a more genuine reason?

Woora, she already said Brazil. I guess it was an attempt at keeping some anonymity on the net.

Oh right thanks Flatbread I missed that.

We're all anonymous on t'interweb, I just wondered why the OP talks quite a bit about her country but to my knowledge had never named it

Should I write her an email or have a private conversation when she next visit? I want to clear the air, apologise for my bluntness, explain how I felt and move one. Start new year in good spirits.

phone her. get it out the way now.

for all you know she hasn't got the hump at all. if you call you can test the waters

Has your DH spoken to her, can you get him to text or speak to her?

I would just carry on as normal now. The incident has been dealt with, if she can't move on then it's her issue now. If she wants to play games then let her.

As far as I know Dh doesn't know anything about it and I don't think he will understand, so I don't want to get him involved. And even if I talk to him about it he won't get involved himself. For me, talking on the phone will be awkward I would rather face to face. Or email so I won't be in the risk of forgetting what to say or stumble on my words.

You might need to tell your DH then, especially if your MIL is going to play games with you and hasn't got over it! I wouldn't want my MIL saying something to my DH and him not having any idea about what had happened if it was me. Also, you and your Dh are/should be a partnership so you don't want this to come between you and have your DH taking sides.

I'm better emailing my MIL as well. You could mention the texts and say you hope everything is o.k as you've not heard from her. Hopefully saying something nice about looking forward to meeting up again will help.

i think its really important that you talk to your DH, if you are having trouble getting along with his mum....wont she talk to him about it anyway?

I don't think she would get him involved or poison him against me. TBH I don't think that she means to undermine me, I think she just try to be very nice to dd, she just wants to be super granny in her own way, I don't know if I mentioned ddi is her only grandchild. She always supported me really, she is a good person. Maybe I over reacted after all.

Honestly, you need to get over it. I bet MIL probably has moved on and is too busy to text back right away and then forgot about the text.

Autumn you sound like a good person. you may have over thought a couple of things. I am sure when you have had a chance to speak with her things will be fine between the two of you.

Autumn, remember you and your MIL have one thing in common, you both adore your DD and want the best for. You sound like a fantastic mum and MIL sounds like a wonderful grandmother. Isn't your DD lucky to have both of you and does it matter if you both do things slightly differently? It would be very dull if we all did things the same way.

Hi MIL. I'm writing because I have been thinking on the day we went to see the LK and as this has been playing on my mind until now, I feel I need to do something in order to move on. What I want to say to you is that I'm sorry I was ratty and snapped at you at the end of the show because you gave dd a drink. I believe that you didn't intentionally tried to undermine my parenting, just wanted to treat dd and make her happy. I thought that I had made it clear that I wanted to avoid dd making trips to the toilet during the show (specially the grand finale) and that is why I said to dd that she was to have that drink before the start and the bit left over during the break. After the show she could have any drink she wanted. I'm used to take dd to the theatre and this always worked for us and I shouldn't have relied on her to remember or follow the rules or on you to do things the same way I do. I know that missing 5 minutes or so of the show is not a big deal at all (even though for me this defeats the whole purpose of the outing), I guess I was just unreasonably frustrated about her missing out at the End and perhaps I was a bit to strict on it. So, I don't know if my rant bothered you as you haven't said anything back, but I want to apologise for my own piece of mind.

I would take out the last part in brackets

You sound very ott she is 5 fgs! mIL took her to the toilet not you, so you did not miss anything. Really find something more worthwhile to get rants about