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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL off? I think I was and now feel a bit bad. sorry long.

197 replies

AutumnGlory · 26/12/2012 11:38

We were having a family out, trip to the theatre before Christmas. It was a long play of 2 hours with a 20 minutes break in the middle. Just before we go inside to find our seats I took dd (5) to the toilets and said to her she could have the left over of her juice during the interval so she can also go to the toilet again and she is not to have any drinks after she has been to the toilet and before we seat for the second part (Mil heard everything) So during the break MIL takes her to the toilet and just before the play starts again they come back with a large glass of slush. I (regretfully) say nothing and let dd drink it. When the play is coming to an end, just moments before the crucial best part, dd needs the toilet and MIL takes her but comes back when the curtains are down and dd just gets to see the whole cast there getting the applauses but not the End. When we go out I than tell dd that I'm going to the toilet and that is the right time to go, not during the play, MIL than interferes saying that it is what children do, and I say back: 'only when adults give them drinks when they are not supposed to'. Now I know I maybe over reacted and I wasn't gonna say anything to her if she didn't interfere in my conversation with dd, but we paid a lot of money for the tickets and we were looking forward to go, I didn't want dd to miss any single bit. I'm used to take her to theatre and ballet and we don't consume liquids just for the sake of it nor eat food that will make us thirsty when I know we are there to enjoy the show and will miss out if spending time going to toilets if it is not a break. But maybe I was too harsh?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 26/12/2012 12:30

You can't expect to manage your daughter's visits to the loo with strategically timed drinks, we all process food, liquids differently.
She wouldn't necessarily have needed a wee within an hour of the slush, on the other hand she could well have needed one if she'd drunk nothing extra.
You sound extremely controlling, and probably managed to ruin the trip for your mil. An apology is in order.

MrsJourns · 26/12/2012 12:33

Your MIL only wanted to give her a treat, it's what grannies do. Be thankful that your DS has a grannie who spends days out with you and wants to spoil her GD. She does deserve an apology.

handsandknees · 26/12/2012 12:33

I used to live in a culture where cold food/drink equals bad/sick and I know these beliefs are very ingrained (to the point of hot water in the coca cola) but really OP, ice cream won't make a cold worse. A cold is caused by a virus, not by drinking cold water or sitting on a cold step.

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 12:37

Ok, the ice cream thing is understandable then.

And if your MIL does this all the time the I think you have two options, and these depend on how often you see MIL.

  1. suck it up and accept that your DD will get things you don't like her having when MIL is around - as long as these 'treats' are not placing your DD in immediate danger, don't fuss about it.
  1. Have a word with MIL and ask her not to give undermine your parenting decisions.

Tbh, unless you spend a lot of time with MIL, I would leave it.

Original poster
AutumnGlory · 26/12/2012 22:26

I want to txt Mil and apologise. What do I say?

OP posts:
PumpkinPositive · 26/12/2012 22:29

We paid a lot of money for the tickets and we were looking forward to go, I didn't want dd to miss any single bit

Rather a lot of pressure on a young child, isn't it? You can't really micro manage people's bodily needs like that. YABU.

dequoisagitil · 26/12/2012 22:38

Don't text. Wording it right will be a nightmare, as you don't want to go overboard but you also don't want to sound uncaring. Plus a text apology is crap and if you misword it can be shown to people and held against you.

Call her instead tomorrow, and as part of the call say sorry you were snappy with her.

littlemonkeychops · 26/12/2012 22:39

I wouldn't think you ned to apologis, quite surprised at everyone's reactions....your mil knew you didn't want DD to drink anything and took it upon herself to overrule you, why shouldn't you say something? As long as you didn't scream it at her what's the problem?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 26/12/2012 22:46

She sounds like a wonderful granny.
Grannies are supposed to treat their gc once in a while.
You are lucky to have such a lovely mil op, cherish herSmile

gimmecakeandcandy · 26/12/2012 22:50

I wouldn't apologise - it is bloody rude of her to keep undermining you and from what you say she has form form for it. You need to have a stronger word with her and tell her to stop doing that as it is not acceptable - she is being rude and bullish and so disrespectful by undermining you so much.

Vagaceratops · 26/12/2012 22:50

You sound like a right bundle of fun.

gimmecakeandcandy · 26/12/2012 22:51

I repeat - DO NOT APOLOGISE!

rhondajean · 26/12/2012 22:53

If you have phlegm ice cream or dairy will make it worse.

Op yanbu. You said what your child was allowed, perfectly reasonably, and your desires were over ridden. I would have told her where to get off when she turned up with the slushie ( and probably taken it off her as I wa furious and caused a scene) so yab much more reasonable than I would have Grin

Floggingmolly · 26/12/2012 23:17

A slushie isn't dairy, is it?

isshoes · 26/12/2012 23:29

I am not going to comment on whether you were right or wrong to snap at MIL, as I can see both sides, and you have already decided to apologise. However, what I would say is that when I have a sore throat, I need a drink on me at all times, to soothe it. In my opinion, a dry throat makes a sore throat much worse. And I agree that the slushy would have soothed the pain. Hope DD feels better soon.

zippey · 26/12/2012 23:33

Id apologise, it was an argument over a silly thing. Im sure there are more important things to worry about, and you did tell her off in front of your child. Its obvious you felt bad about it. If I was your MIL I would be happy if you apologised.

CaHoHoHootz · 26/12/2012 23:37

You could send a text saying that you hope they enjoyed the play, sorry you were a bit snappy, see you soon, love Autumn.

We can all be a bit snappy from time to time. She was silly but why have a bad atmosphere hanging over something that was meant to be fun.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 26/12/2012 23:43

There's no rhyme nor reason for needing a wee.
If you've got to go, you've got to go.
Your dd may well have needed anyway, slush puppy or not.

rhondajean · 26/12/2012 23:47

Nope slushy isn't dairy, that comment was in relation to op saying about not having ice cream when you have a head cold, sorry it wasn't clear. I try to be precise when posting on my phone but it obviously doesn't always work!!

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 26/12/2012 23:55

I can understand your frustration but I think YAB a bit over the top.

My DD is 8 and I think excitement gets the better of her when we go to shows etc. I took her to a pop concert recently and I think she must have been to the loo about 4 times in 4 hours, even though she'd only had a small, thick shake beforehand.

Fortunately we were sat very near an exit with a toilet on the other side so she was able to go on her own on this occasion. She's not normally that bad, but it drives me absolutely mental. Even so, it is just what kids do, not worth falling out over. Your MIL probably thought she was helping your DD with her sore throat by getting her an icy drink.

Original poster
AutumnGlory · 27/12/2012 00:36

Hi.I haven't txt nor apologised yet. Yes I was upset that MIL gave her a drink even though she knew and heard me telling DD about no drinks during the play (a part for the little bit left that I kept in my bag). I really don't think it was a case of soothing the sore throat with a cold drink, it was a treat which is absolutely fine if was done after the show/other occasion. Also I was talking to dd explaining that I doidnt have any drink during the show because I didn't want to miss any little bit of it and the right time to go to the toilet is during the break/end and MIL interfered in my conversation saying that it is what children do...so I said back, in a normal manner going along the lines that giving her the slush didn't help, I can't really remember exactly my words, I think it was probably like: ' no that is what a large glass of drink make them do' ...or something like that. So I now think that she interfered in the conversation because she felt guilty and knew that she caused exactly what I was trying to avoid to happen. I don't know if it makes me a control freak but I'm trying to teach dd good manners, if you can avoid going to toilet during a show so you should take steps in doing so. I was also annoyed at Dh because he has a weak bladder and he drank 3 beers before the show so he went to toilet 3 times (2 before the break and one during the break). I think this is appalling but I can't teach him nothing, he should know better. Also 2 days after we went to the cinema and BIL's girlfriend drank a large glass of coca cola and went to toilet 3 time. I think it is ridiculous, why don't they stay at home so they can pause the TV?

OP posts:
misterwife · 27/12/2012 00:48

I really don't think this is unreasonable, actually.

  1. The MIL was given instructions which she didn't follow.
  2. In the process of not following those instructions she undermined the OP, which is a serious matter unless there are very good reasons for doing it (which there weren't).
  3. The instructions were given so the kid wouldn't miss part of the play through having to go to the toilet - a reasonable motive.
  4. The consequences of MIL not following the instructions were that the kid needed the loo and missed the crucial part of the play, just as the OP had predicted.

So YANBU, OP.

Also - 'dictatorial'? For goodness' sake.

orangerex · 27/12/2012 00:51

YANBU. Your MIL was U to deliberately go against your wishes. Your planning was sensible. I don't understand all these posters who think otherwise!

Alarielle · 27/12/2012 00:54

You seem to have a weird obsession with other people's toilet habits Hmm

Pooka · 27/12/2012 00:59

All of you seem to have very weak bladders! Either that or my dcs and I are like camels.