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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL off? I think I was and now feel a bit bad. sorry long.

197 replies

AutumnGlory · 26/12/2012 11:38

We were having a family out, trip to the theatre before Christmas. It was a long play of 2 hours with a 20 minutes break in the middle. Just before we go inside to find our seats I took dd (5) to the toilets and said to her she could have the left over of her juice during the interval so she can also go to the toilet again and she is not to have any drinks after she has been to the toilet and before we seat for the second part (Mil heard everything) So during the break MIL takes her to the toilet and just before the play starts again they come back with a large glass of slush. I (regretfully) say nothing and let dd drink it. When the play is coming to an end, just moments before the crucial best part, dd needs the toilet and MIL takes her but comes back when the curtains are down and dd just gets to see the whole cast there getting the applauses but not the End. When we go out I than tell dd that I'm going to the toilet and that is the right time to go, not during the play, MIL than interferes saying that it is what children do, and I say back: 'only when adults give them drinks when they are not supposed to'. Now I know I maybe over reacted and I wasn't gonna say anything to her if she didn't interfere in my conversation with dd, but we paid a lot of money for the tickets and we were looking forward to go, I didn't want dd to miss any single bit. I'm used to take her to theatre and ballet and we don't consume liquids just for the sake of it nor eat food that will make us thirsty when I know we are there to enjoy the show and will miss out if spending time going to toilets if it is not a break. But maybe I was too harsh?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 27/12/2012 03:06

I have come to learn of the apology sandwich. It has worked really well with my MIL who fed DD (17 months) a bloody brownie sundae half an hour before bedtime.

You thank them for treating dearest GD (I start with 'It is great that you have such a fab relationship with DD. It makes me so happy to see your relationship develop with her.'), apologise for your outburst, you then say what you really want to say (in your case - stop undermining me as DD's mother) and then apologise again for your outburst but this time add on a bit about next time please do xyz (I ask my MIL and DM to check with me first before feeding anything to DD). Same concept as the complement sandwich.

Helped tremendously with my MIL. Before DD arrived we had an awful relationship but the apology sandwich has worked wonders.

Astelia · 27/12/2012 04:51

YANBU OP the drink thing would have annoyed me greatly too. You are organised and think ahead, MIL is trying to please DD in her own way but without a care for the consequences or your feelings.

The undermining thing wouldn't impress me either- similar comments were made to my DDs years ago by my MIL so I know how annoying it is.

Want2b has an interesting method there- might be worth a try.

JessieMcJessie · 27/12/2012 06:15

You might be able to find the end of the Lion King stage show on You Tube?

MadameCastafiore · 27/12/2012 06:29

Your kid must have the fastest working kidneys in the west!!

She is 5 - DS is 8 and cannot manage a whole bloody film without going at least 3 times and that is if we don't let him drink at all during the film!

Original poster
AutumnGlory · 27/12/2012 08:58

She wasn't THAT poorly that she needed a drink, ykwim? She was very poorly days before and although on that day she was still recovering, she was ok. Not to have the drink wouldn't have killed her. Plus would be more 'mean' if I took the slush from her and didn't let her have it or if I spoiled her enjoyment of the slush by telling her and MiL off straight away. As I said, DD needed the toilet right at the end, so if she had any drink or at least a normal size drink she would be able to wait. And as I said I'm used to take DD to performances so I learnt already what works. And also after the performances we go to restaurants and she can have her treats there too. I'm in no doubt that MIL was wrong and the issue on my OP is not about the drink is about ME telling her off for buying the drink which the 'apology sandwich' idea might be the answer. Also I get annoyed when people are sitting beside me in the theatre or cinema and incovinience me by going to the toilet when they are adults who could control their drink intake, but I don't say nothing to them. I will check the end of show on you tube thanks for the suggestion.

OP posts:
seeker · 27/12/2012 09:00

As I said, adults do not "tell off" other adults.

Original poster
AutumnGlory · 27/12/2012 09:01

I meant As I said, DD needed the toilet right at the end, so if she didnt have any drink or at least a normal size drink she would be able to wait.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnGlory · 27/12/2012 09:03

Yes. As I said I need to work on be more tactful and learn to master the apology sandwich technique.

OP posts:
HisstletoeAndWhine · 27/12/2012 09:09

yanbu, i'd have flipped about the coke, and having lived somewhere that is adamant on no ice in drinks when you've got a cold, i'd have told mil to drink it herself, as no sick child of mine'd have it.

don't apologise. she needs to respect your boundaries.

galwaygirl · 27/12/2012 09:24

Was your dd even upset about missing the show? Or your DH about the bits he missed?You seem to assume it bothers them just because it would bother you.
Your MIL might think you're a bit harsh and find it difficult to not interfere. How long was your lecture about the tablet/lying etc going on for? Maybe dd lied because she didn't know where it went (since SIL moved it) and was afraid of getting in trouble as you sound very strict!

lightrain · 27/12/2012 09:55

You really do sound obsessed with people's fluid intake and toilet habits. Why is it a problem if people need to go to the bathroom during a show? Very very odd that you are so bothered about it that you'd restrict your dds drinking so strictly.

Original poster
AutumnGlory · 27/12/2012 10:13

No, I asked dd a question, she lied because she knew she had been naughty, she knew very well she is not allowed to play with my stylus. Is was a question and a remind of the rules (not taking what she is not allowed to take/ not to lie) and it was very friendly and light hearted. Even Dh got involved to make 'jokes' with dd about her 'plan' and lying skills not working. MIL jumped in because she probably think her parenting is better than mine. Well MIL sees nothing wrong with a 3 year old drinking coke even when there is fruit juice available, she sees nothing wrong with giving a child a -boak- tinned 'princess' spaghetti hoops (I wasn't there just for the record) and she thinks that reading and giving book to children is a waste of time and money...but I don't want to change the subject. In my opinion MIL is wrong and nothing say will change my opinion. However, I realise that I was also wrong by not managing my frustration and by not talking more politely.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 27/12/2012 10:16

What an earth is wrong with spaghetti hoopsBlush??

Original poster
AutumnGlory · 27/12/2012 10:29

Aanh? Oh well I'm really in the wrong country. Tinned food is disgusting. Unless it is sweetcorn/peas (but I prefer frozen) or baked beans (even tough we don't have baked beans in my country). Oh well, where I come from you cook from scratch and eat fresh healthy food. I know what is the problem. I'm trying to raise my daughter the way I was raised which is totally understandable however I'm in a different culture. It is not easy.

OP posts:
Pantomimedam · 27/12/2012 10:52

Canning is just a way of preserving food. There's no morality involved.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 27/12/2012 10:54

Why would a tin of sweet corn be acceptable, but a tin of anything else not be?

I doubt anyone here feeds there kids constantly out of tins, most likely the occasional one?

My ds has a small tin of beans once a week, perhaps an occasional tin of tomato soup every month. The rest of the time he lives on fresh fruit veg etc like most children whose parent post on here. However it's an individual choice,hardly a cultural edict.

It seems like you are implying that you come from a better culture because you don't feed your child tinned food?? Is that how you mean to come across op?

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 27/12/2012 10:56

there their

Startail · 27/12/2012 10:58

At that age DD2 always went to the toilet towards the end of cinema films.

It meant she need a walk and a change of scenery as much as the loo.

seeker · 27/12/2012 11:00

So tinned baked beans are OK, but tinned spaghetti hoops not? Grin

seeker · 27/12/2012 11:01

Yep. Must be so hard raising your child in a country where everyone eats tinned food for every meal.....I do so feel for you!

dequoisagitil · 27/12/2012 11:05

Baked beans are more nutritious than tinned spaghetti hoops.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 27/12/2012 11:06

If you use the phrase "in my country...." more than once in a conversation you must drive people nuts. You come across as thinking you are better than other people.

Mumsyblouse · 27/12/2012 11:12

OP- my husband (who I suspect is from a similar part of the world to you) also thinks tinned spaghetti is just disgusting (doesn't resemble either tomatoes or proper pasta, is basically gloopy mixture of sugar and salt which is not food as far as he is concerned), baked beans only slightly better as has beans in it (he washes the sauce off, yes, really!) We have it occasionally, but I can see it would horrify my Eastern European relations (who would spend 4 hours preparing a bean cassoulet etc).

You are right, this is about cultural differences, but try to relax a bit about your MIL, ok, she might do the odd irritating thing, but you also probably irritate her a bit and I think that the easier and more generous your interpretation, the nicer your life will be. In other words, you are probably technically right about the slush, but interpreting it as her wanting to get something nice for your dd with unintended consequences will be much less stressful than imagining she is undermining you on purpose (which is not that likely).

Mumsyblouse · 27/12/2012 11:14

And whoever said tinned food is just preserving it- not really with spaghetti hoops!

FunnysFuckingFreezing · 27/12/2012 11:15

OP you sound quite controlling and a teeny tiny bit bonkers. Spaghetti hoops are fine. And what a way to take the fun out of a trip to the theatre. No drinks, no icecream in case anyone needs to go to the loo during the performance. My parents were theatre snobs just like you and they put me off the theatre for life.