To tell MIL off? I think I was and now feel a bit bad. sorry long.

[AutumnGlory]

We were having a family out, trip to the theatre before Christmas. It was a long play of 2 hours with a 20 minutes break in the middle. Just before we go inside to find our seats I took dd (5) to the toilets and said to her she could have the left over of her juice during the interval so she can also go to the toilet again and she is not to have any drinks after she has been to the toilet and before we seat for the second part (Mil heard everything) So during the break MIL takes her to the toilet and just before the play starts again they come back with a large glass of slush. I (regretfully) say nothing and let dd drink it. When the play is coming to an end, just moments before the crucial best part, dd needs the toilet and MIL takes her but comes back when the curtains are down and dd just gets to see the whole cast there getting the applauses but not the End. When we go out I than tell dd that I'm going to the toilet and that is the right time to go, not during the play, MIL than interferes saying that it is what children do, and I say back: 'only when adults give them drinks when they are not supposed to'. Now I know I maybe over reacted and I wasn't gonna say anything to her if she didn't interfere in my conversation with dd, but we paid a lot of money for the tickets and we were looking forward to go, I didn't want dd to miss any single bit. I'm used to take her to theatre and ballet and we don't consume liquids just for the sake of it nor eat food that will make us thirsty when I know we are there to enjoy the show and will miss out if spending time going to toilets if it is not a break. But maybe I was too harsh?

Hmm, each new post I read makes you sound like very difficult company OP.
Yabu. I feel for your MIL actually.

You sound very controlling and bothered about insignificant things. You need to relax. Save your worry and tickings off for things that matter. Your MIL probably thinks you are too hard in your dd and so tries to compensate by being soft on her. If you are too strict you ate storing up real trouble for teen rebellion years.

Also you need to empathise with other people more. Whilst YOU would rather go dry than pee during a show, I would rather go for a wee and remain hydrated. Some people are thirstier than others. That said I would sympathise with you trying to stop your dd from missing the end of the show. I will miss 5 mins of a film but try not to over drink so that I spend the end of the film busting to go. Children can't control this so it would have been reasonable to confiscate the drink and ration it in small amounts. In any case you let her keep it and so shouldn't complain about MIL after the fact.

I use the expression 'in my country' here a lot to highlight the fact that I usually do things differently because of the way I was raised / another totally different culture + to highlight I have a bit of a challenge in communicating in English and putting my point across. Sorry if it is annoying. In RL people understand I'm not English/British or they know me anyway, so unless they ask me questions, I don't keep comparing cultures. Also I didn't want to imply my culture is better or worse I'm just pointing out differences. I'm probably associating going to grandma's house with being treated to amazing home cooked/baked goods as in my country (sorry) granny food is deemed to be the best food in the world. Than dd went to her granny's house and had spaghetti hoops, I was shocked and sad she isn't going to have the same amazing experiences I had (when it comes to my granny treating me with amazing home cooked favourite treats)(and no my mum isn't a great cook either so she at going to get this from her other granny either, but my mum wouldn't give her tinned food anyway). I know I shouldn't compare or judge.

OP, you are going to have to relax around this cultural difference thing or you will drive yourself mad. Don't fix on one thing being right like this or you will end up creating tension and stress for your child visiting their granny- she is not that interested in what she eats, but being made to feel special.

Granny's food is not always all that. My children still talk with terror in their voices about being made to eat their Granny's banitzah (?) last year, it was awful, but precisely because she is from that culture where you cook for hours, they had to sit and eat it. I think you are idealising your childhood, I have eaten much awful home-cooked food in my husband's country and poured a fair few drinks into pot plants. You need to focus on creating new memories and new traditions that are a MIX of the cultures rather than constantly hankering after the past and getting cross with people who are doing just fine in their own culture (in which women are not judged by their cooking ability, thank god).

But c'mon, it happened when dd went to spend the weekend with her when she was 4, they went to supermarket together to do food shopping and granny bought her spaghetti hoops? It wasn't an emergency feeding, Could she not come up with anything better than this? Even pizza? Why wasn't dd called to eat whatever they ate and I'm sure they wouldn't eat spaghetti hoops. Oh and I should have said that if MIL said 'no' to the slush dd would be fine and no tantrums or sulking. And I'm not sure whose idea it was anyway.

I agree MumsyBlouse, thanks. I shall live the thread now. I'm grateful people took the time to answer and give ne insights/help me on my journey. Thanks everyone.

Did you dd perhaps ask for the hoops, because they had a character on the tin or something? Perhaps your mil thought it was a one off treat.

My GM bought me a cornetto once, when i was 6, because I said I'd always wanted one but mum said they were too expensive. When my mum found out she went ballistic with me, and I was so upset that I'd asked my gran to spend all her money on an ice cream. She made me feel really awful, upset and guilty.

It can't be a cultural thing if your mum wasn't the same. More a generational thing. My nan always baked home goods, and cooked from scratch, but I don't put it down to her being Welsh as there are plenty who don't cook. I cook most weekends to prepare food from scratch and nice baked things but it has nothing to do with my culture.

I think there are times when you just have to let your guard and control down a little op.

OP spaghetti hoops are a right of passage in the UK they are seen as a treat for a child and I have to say that I really enjoy a plate of spaghetti hoops on toast even now as an adult. Even better with cheese on top! Don't see the SH's as anything other than an attempt by your MIL to buy your DD a treat for tea. Esp if it's not something she is usually allowed

Spaghetti hoop a treat? Wow you learn something new every day. Lucky dd didn't enjoy it and when she sees at supermarket she says she doesn't want to try again even tough she likes the princesses in the tin. Well I (dh too) have been trying to explain to her too about superficial choices based on marketing/commercialisation/labels. Maybe I'm spoiling her childhood . Blousymummy is your husband straight talking or foes he hold his tongue?

Autumn you might not think spaghetti hoops were a treat, but your MIL may have thought it was perfect for a little child- in the UK that would be considered a child's food. I have eaten all kinds of awful cultural delicacies in my time, from snails to veal's brains, which for that particular culture were really important and the people wanted me to eat them, and I felt awful that I couldn't enjoy them. I think, in the nicest possible way, you need to get over this feeling your way is better and right and start to see that some of the things you eat might not be that delicious either (cheese pastries I find disgusting for example, but they are eaten all over Eastern Europe). I woud not give my child a cheese pastry concoction as a 'treat', but I don't think myself above it if my MIL produces them as a 'treat' for us, and we do our best to be polite and express pleasure, not sniff or turn our noses up (because I think your hostile attitude will be leaking out all over the place even if you do not directly say anything, body language will do the talking).

I also worry that you are basically training your child to look down on the host culture by dismissing the food, this is NOT a good position to take. Try to start seeing it as 'difference' rather than 'better/worse' otherwise you will drive yourself bonkers, and your child will end up having to agree with you to pacify you and to support your cultural identity, and that's not a good thing to put on your child, who, if growing up in the UK may have a strong British identity as well as her original identity (children are infinitely more flexible than adults).

Finally, yes, my husband is VERY straight talking, but over the years we have got along with a few misunderstandings, admittedly. I like his straight-talking sometimes, other times I find it quite rude, so you have to remember that there is no one right way to be- often British people have a very convoluted way of explaining things and use euphemisms all the time, but I don't think this is a bad thing, I have seen the bad side of plain talking in my husband's family and there is often a lot of drama and trouble because of it.

Is your husband from the UK or are you all from your home country over here?

Your child is part of a family, it sounds like one that support and love her very much. Nothing that has been done has caused your DD any harm, it is just a different style of doing things, and not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. What will harm your daughter is if family members become scared of doing the wrong thing in case it upsets you, this could result in them backing of or developing a 'don't tell mummy' culture. I would advise learning to pick your battles more carefully. Occasional spagetti hoops - not a problem, however I wouldn't want my child eating them regularly so would then speak up. The lying, not great if she does it regularly, but it was Christmas time and you MIL was probably just trying to avoid a fuss.
If you complain every time you disagree with something people will just think ' here she goes again'.

Not all tinned foods are 'bad', if it's not the sole component of a child's diet, and if they like it, it's not the end of the world.

The coke at 3? What utter idiot does that? The slush puppy when expressly stated not to? Unacceptable.

Your DD, you are the mother, YOU set the rules. It's that simple. Tinned food aside, and that too is just as much your prerogative as it would be for a child to be raised veggie, kosher, or halal; it's your belief system that decides, until your child is old enough to decide for themself.

Agree ladies. Also I wish one day I will learn to talk the British way. My husband is british and he despairs sometimes however he realises I don't mean bad and he has patience (well mostly of the time) in pointing me to the right direction. I have been here for 7 years, I have a close relantionship with PILs and I do mingle and accept the culture. That is why I posted in the 1st place. Trying to understand and work on it.

Autumn, I find it easiest to run a 'when in Rome' type of arrangement, so when we are at home, we do things our way, when out and about or staying with IL's then be a bit more flexible. Or at least, decide on the battles you want to fight, I wouldn't fuss over a slush, but things we have put our foot down over are bedtimes (in my husband's culture children stay up very late and often fall asleep at the dinner table, we prefer to stick to a routine when they are younger, which didn't go down too well but we just did it our way). I also don't let the children drink the alcohol they are frequently served ('it's just a 'finger' of rakia' blah blah, 'I've put water in the children's wine') in that country. Otherwise, we eat what we are given!

So- I do think sometimes you need to put your foot down, but be very careful which battles you pick, otherwise you do risk alienating everyone.

You're MNing whilst you're at your PILs? I hope your DH "tells you off". You're rude, OP, whatever culture you're from.

If I were your MIL I'd be having words with you - and your DH - regarding boundaries so that they're not overstepped again but I wouldn't put up with this nonsense from you. Who do you think you are?

My niece would have had stern words with her own DM, if my SIL had done that. Also I was spoken to in a very stern manner by SIL on DHs side in our own house, when her 3 girls wanted some bags of crisps to eat on the way home which I was in favour of doing. SIL became very assertive, and annoyed, as the girls would get thirsty and then want to drink, so definitely NO. Girls were so disappointed and I felt sorry for them. But they were obedient and none kicked off. Was not my place to defy SIL and give the crisps to them anyway.

Slushies are a sort of half way house in that they do not cure thirst, so are not really a drink, but they do soothe a sore throat. They are not like ice cream either. Possibly your mil thought it was a compromise of sorts, although I agree that she shouldn't have bought it if you had already said no.

I do think it is hard for grandparents sometimes though - they love these children so much, but have very little say in their lives. I can imagine it must be very hard to have a different parenting style and not be able to say anything.

I think your mil feels you are a little bit strict - the stylus thing indicates that she is trying to get your dd out of trouble, which is an indication of love, but has the unfortunate effect of undermining you.

In the end it is up to you to give your child the values/upbringing that you think are important, but try to remember that when your dd has a child, she may well bring that child up in a way that you find very difficult to accept - will you be able to bite your tongue, like you want your mil to? Just something to consider, because although you are not wrong, she isn't entirely, either.

Aorry, op but your are being uber controlling, rude and a bit silly re the drinks at the theatre. I would apologise if I were you

I agree coke and 3 year olds isn't a great mix, but the odd can of spaghetti hoops never killed anyone

Lighten up

OP, what country are you from?

I often see you posting about your country but I don't remember which one it is?

I've not read the whole thread but from the bits I have read, it seems like the OP has been given a hard time on this thread, which I feel is unfair.

OP, YANBU. Although to some it may seem like a small incident, if she is doing it regularly, then I can see how it would have been annoying. My mum always undermines me with my DCs. She does it with a smirk on her face, and essentially does it so that the kids see her as the good guy and me as the bad guy. I limit the amount of time we see her for now as it was getting intolerable. She was letting the children eat unsuitable things and do unsafe things, just to make the point that she disagreed with me.

What I've found useful is to brief my DCs abour our rules and make it clear they are not allowed to disobey our rules. They are to be aware of what they are and aren't allowed to have and make it known to my mum. So if for example she was to buy them a slush drink and I'd said no, they know they are to say that they're not allowed them and won't drink it if she buys it for them.

Than dd went to her granny's house and had spaghetti hoops, I was shocked and sad she isn't going to have the same amazing experiences I had (when it comes to my granny treating me with amazing home cooked favourite treats)

I bet your MIL fucking loves you

But I don't think on this occasion, the MIL was necessarily being undermining, she may have thought a slush wasn't dairy/ice-cream so was perfect, she may not have thought about the 'drink' aspect given the entire theatre would have been full of kids eating ice-creams at the interval! If the OP had directly said, don't buy anything, and she did, then fair enough to put your foot down, but the MIL was on a trip to the theatre on Boxing Day with her grandchild, she might have actually been pleased to get something which she thought satisfied the OP's criterion (no ice cream).

Similarly, the spaghetti hoops is just the OP's (non) preference, she didn't issue an order not to serve them, just personally dislikes them.

I think LyingWitch's point is a good one: most things can be seen as rude or misinterpreted if you start from a confrontational position. If the OP says they have a normally good relationship, then these are very minor issues, the OP herself acknowledges this in the title!

'What I've found useful is to brief my DCs abour our rules and make it clear they are not allowed to disobey our rules. They are to be aware of what they are and aren't allowed to have and make it known to my mum.'

Woo and indeed hoo- the carefree joys of childhood . Bringing your children as mini informers doesn't sound like much fun....

OP regardless of what many people have said on here, to have a drink with ice when you have a sore throat is just silly. So she was being unreasonable to have given your DD a slushie contrary to your request.
In the larger scheme of things it's probably not that big a deal though because a 5 year old would probably not remember much about the musical so I would say no point getting too het up about it.
The apology sandwich is a great idea should you want to deal with the situation head on.

YANBU. Apart from the bit about spaghetti hoops