ABIU to want to stab vulgar fry up loving in-laws?

[Daisyduckling]

Basically apologies for a huge rant, but it's either this or DH's mother is kicked out of the house in the middle of the night.

MIL and FIL have always made it clear they despise me and my family, but somehow because they want to "protect," DH and my children from me, and they nomally live a ( healthy,) distance away, it has become a tradition that starting xmas eve, they will stay a week to ten days with the family to spend the "christmas season," with us. They never ask if it is a problem,just phone DH, to tell him what time he will need to pick them up from the statio. However it is problem for me, and issues arising today have particuarly wound me up. In no particular order:

1. DH and i have no problem with smokers, however ask people to smoke in the garden if they are staying in the house. MIL is used to smoking inside, and will always try and light up when i'm not looking, ( e.g. in another room cooking xmas dinner.) Today arguement started when i found out she asked dd (9,) to stand guard outside the living room to stop me coming in and interupting her fag. I feel asking children to keep secrets, totally undermines me as a parent, but she thinks it is funny and DH thinks it is annoying, but not a serious problem. I am furious. I have explained to her that my sister who is having xmas dinner here has asthma, but she assures me that shes sure it's, "made up."

2. Expects a cooked breakfast everyday of her stay, and was very grumpy with me when i told her i did not want to cook a full english on xmas day as we'd be eating a big meal i a few hours. Cooked scrambled eggs with DD and she refused to eat these out of spite, even though DD had been really excited about cooking nanny a special breakfast on Xmas morning. ( And shes already told me she likes scrambled eggs.) Moaned all morning about being starving despite alternatives of toast/ cereal being offered. Generally weird attitude to food, refuses any fruit or vegetables, also has an addiction to coke and dh has been made to stock up whilst she's here. Ignores any requests of mine not to offer glasses of coke on a daily basis to children. Also expresses astonishment that i'm not feeding DH properly, ( he is normal BMI, her and FIL are unsuprisingly very obese.) Again DD is also given "secret," glasses of coke each day on previous visits without my knowledge, looks set to continue this year.

3. Mil must watch what she wants to watch on telly at all times, especially on xmas day. My parents like to buy a family DVD and watch it together as a family each year, this year they brought Hairspray. DD was happily watching it with my parents, MIL asked to watch corrie at about half 7, I said she could watch the repeat with me later, ( I'm also an avid soap watcher, practically only thing we have in common,) but response was not good enough and she then had a large loud convo with FIL to ruin the rest of the film, asking every 10 minutes if we could stop watching this crap and put corrie on. This is why she gets the remote to herself for whole stay normally.

4. is just so rude and vulgar all the time. Pretended to vomit up my xmas dinner back on to her plate as an illustration of how "disgusting dinner was." ( I'd accidently given her a plate with veg on.) Also encouraged kids to do the same. FIL also talks about their sex life non stop in front of my whole extended family. I think this is gross.

I am crying about spending another 10 days like this, DH whilst not impressed with this still seems to feel the kids benifit from the visit.

AIBU to make this the last visit? Just want some support from DH :(

I would tell her straight that her behaviour is driving you mad, the smoking for me would have been the final straw. Tell her to show you some respect and find her manners or even better get your DH to! He should be standing up for you

OP, they are shocking and tbh I would've kicked them out by now. That is not acceptable behaviour when you are guests in somebody else's house! You expect that there are some disagreements when you are all in such close quarters, but that goes beyond that.

Why on earth did you agree to them staying for that long?! I know you said you just get told, but you are still allowed to say no!

Are you planning on letting them stay the full 10 days after all that despicable rudeness?

Update:

Thanks for the supportive messages. Basically the reason the 10 day visits have been allowed for so long is the fact that DH and I don't work in the xmas holidays, ( I am a Y3 teaher, DH is a painter/decorator and it is very rare for families to want work done in the week between xmas and new year.)

Reading it written down has made me realise what adoormat I have become, i'm told to laugh it off, but i think such serious contempt isn't funny anymore.The complaints last night were the tip of the iceberg. My vmum rang up this morning and demanded to know what was being done for my sanity, as there is no way she thinks I can last past new year like this. (We managed to have a laugh about how particuarly grotesque/ disgusting they were at lunch between tears though- FIL managed to turn my mums chat about wanting a new dog to how much he loved doggy style. Would not be ignored and repeated joke louder and louder until we were forced to laugh/ ignore children's questions about what doggy style was. both MIL and FIL thought this was hilairious. )

DH has been told to take them out for a very long day out today, and we will be having a meeting over house rules or station this evening. Completely nervous because MIL can be very aggressive but it has to be done. House rules will be:

1. Smoking outside, no more chances on this one.

2. I will tell them what is being cooked, i will try and make it something they like but if not they can have our take away menus and order for themselves. If they cook for themselves they must wash up. ( They each have lots of snacks between meals they help themselves to, and atm just leave the dirty dishes scattered around the living room floor. Find it funny when i accidently step into half eaten food remains etc. )ATM I have to clear up after them as dirty plates will be scattered about the floor for the whole 10 days.

3. Once all the coke is drunk, they can moan as much as they like for us to provide more but they can buy their own. Same for chrisps and chocolate, ( ATM I am expected to provide enough for them to have about 4 packets a day each. ) They can still help themselves to the food already in the house for us.

4. No more pretending to vomit up food. ( seriously can't believe I had to write this as a house rule !

5. Other telly is in our bedroom, and so for obvious reasons i don't want to send MIL in their. We wil lbe watching what we want on the telly as DH and I pay the bills but if MIL tells us what times her programmes are on we will dvd record them for her.

6. Racism is not allowed in our house. Next time they moan about how uncomtable they feel to be around "P," ( I have an indian friend who lives locally and likes to visit with the kids, they refuse to talk to her, and constantly moan about how much she "smells of curry," ( she doesn't, actually like curry, so it just shows how they are ignorant racists moan for no reason.) If they use that word in my house again, especially in front of the children, DH will be driving them to the station.

7. I, don't want to hear about why they are voting for the BNP. Neither do i want my children or family to hear. ( I normally ignore, but my sister was given a truckload of abuse about how she didn't know anything about politics when she disagreed with FIL over Nick Griffen at xmas lunch.)

8. No more talk about their sex lives, or FIL's love of doggy style, blowjobs and tits, even if they don't think the DC mare listenning or can understand the references, don't talk about it in front of the children.

DH's family are the main source of friction between us, and he's always wanted me to make an effot but enough is enough. Am really nervous about meeting tonight but it has to be done.

And most importantly, DH is now on cooked breakfast duty ! Anytime they want a fry up, ( so veryday, ) and don't want to cook for themselves they ask DH.

Good luck (can't believe you have to write number 4 either!)

OP- they are utterly obnoxious. I would be telling your DH to go and visit them at Christmas and I wouldn't give them any house room. I know it's easier said than done, but they owe you a massive apology.

If they can't see that they behave little better than savages, then do not have them to stay as their habits make them disgusting role models for your children.

YANBU x100

Also make your DH tell them this or they will blame you and not him. He needs to tell them they have treated you appallingly and need to apologise.

Good on you for laying ground rules but let this be t last time they stay with you. There s noway I could have rude vile people who hate me in my house. Next time they stay elsewhere

I agree with piglet, I would end this unpleasant arrangement.

Why should YOUR Christmas be shit just so two wankers can take the piss out of you for ten days? Ask your DH how he can let this happen to his wife.

Stay strong. They really do sound vile and I usually get tired of the level of hate directed at in laws on mn, but you deserve a medal (and a long break away!)

May I ammend the MN classic to "Fuck off" is a complete sentence?...

Seriously, stop letting them treat you like a doormat, grow a spine and tell them point blank to get out of your house within 24 hrs.

You won't do it though, will you...

Are they called Wayne Nd waynetta? What is your dh like? I can't imagine he has emerged unscathed from these parents. They sound so bad they are almost like fictional comedy characters.
Good luck and please come back to let us know what happens. Preferably record it for you tube ha ha.

Is your OH the white sheep of the family?

Can you show him this thread to make him realise that his parents are really the rudest most obnoxious people I have ever read about on MN. Their behaviour at the dinner table is something I might expect from a three year old, not an adult.

They sound like absolute gutter rats

Cheering you on from the sidelines here. I've been all the way through the thread so far

Print out the rules on a piece of paper and get them to sign it. Keep a copy for yourself, then if/when they break a rule, refer back to the sheet.

Maybe make a list of consequences if they happen to break a rule as well. If they dont agree to sign, then dont come into your house. None of those rules are unreasonable.

Just watch because children learn from seeing other peoples behaviours. They will learn the childishness, racism, sexism etc your inlaws are spouting. People were saying that your husband needs to grow a pair. Thats true, but so do you I think. Good luck!

You are a mug OP, they would have been out of my house long ago. You are teaching your kids it is OK to treat others/be treated like shit.

And I find it hard to believe people like this could've raised a decent human being. What is your DP like generally?

I just could not have those kind of people near my children, I have seen better behaved 3 year olds

hahaha at wayne and waynetta, that might now be my new nickname for them. That or the more accurate chavvy cunts.

DH admits that his parents have different standards, he left home at 16 and although visited and has never lost touch with them has never lived with them since, and has told me how embaressed he was to bring friends back when he was a young kid, and so from the age of about 12 spent as much time at friends houses as possible. I think however as an only child he feels responsible for them, as they have no other immediate family. MIL's sisterssuprisingly want nothing more to do with them.

I feel sad in some ways as i was very close to both sets of grandparents when I was younger, and wanted my kids to have the same. And my excuse for everything has been that they have been very loud about needing to stay so long so they can spend time with the grandchildren. That combined with my hatred of confrontation and the fact that having his parents to stay is the only thing DH is ever really insitent about is why i think i've allowed this to go on for so long. Am sort've hoping the meeting is not sucessful though, as in some ways that would get rid of them sooner.

Your actual problem is with your DH.

There is nothing you can say or do that will change your PIL behaviour. They do not care what you think.

I would tell your DH to deal with it. I don't understand why you would cook or clear up after them. I really don't understand how you felt you had to laugh along with their doggy style jokes. . That is extremely weird.

Are you able to tell your DC's they have to check with you before accepting drinks of coke or whatever. It is better for them to be responsible rather than relying on people like your awful PIL.

Show your DH this thread and retreat to your bedroom until he has dealt with them.

The racism outbursts, and arguing racist politics at the table just tops off the festive atmosphere doesn't it.

And your kids witnessed this?

So at the moment it's fun to belittle you and make you look mad infront of your kids for serving vegetables, banning smoking and asking to do things behind your back.

Are you looking forward to the next level of fun when they go behind your back and teach your kids to say racist things for a laugh.

TBH I would have gone the other way on the sex thing and said, yes grandad why don't you explain to the children exactly what the doggy postion is? And watched him squirm his way through that one.

Make the next few days as uncomfortable as possible - lose the sky card, turn down the heating, open all the windows, go to bed at 9.30pm, get everyone up for breakfast at 6.30am and out for long brisk walks.

I'd give them 2 days.....

Just show them the door now. You will feel great afterwards.

By the way, your DH shouldbe the one doing the talking in any meeting not you. They are his parents and they are very slightly more likely to listen to him not you.

If your DH is so insistent, then YOU go and stay somewhere else and see how long he lasts waiting on them on his own for ten days.

In the meantime, I don't know how a man can watch his wife be treated so badly and still INSIST on it happening again. Id be doing some insisting myself if I were you OP.

Don't feel sorry for them you have no responsibility towards them. They have mAde their bed now must lie in it. Mabey dh ould take gc to see them over the festive period, I could not have them in my house.stop being a mug

They can stay in a hotel