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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

ABIU to want to stab vulgar fry up loving in-laws?

258 replies

Daisyduckling · 26/12/2012 01:37

Basically apologies for a huge rant, but it's either this or DH's mother is kicked out of the house in the middle of the night.

MIL and FIL have always made it clear they despise me and my family, but somehow because they want to "protect," DH and my children from me, and they nomally live a ( healthy,) distance away, it has become a tradition that starting xmas eve, they will stay a week to ten days with the family to spend the "christmas season," with us. They never ask if it is a problem,just phone DH, to tell him what time he will need to pick them up from the statio. However it is problem for me, and issues arising today have particuarly wound me up. In no particular order:

  1. DH and i have no problem with smokers, however ask people to smoke in the garden if they are staying in the house. MIL is used to smoking inside, and will always try and light up when i'm not looking, ( e.g. in another room cooking xmas dinner.) Today arguement started when i found out she asked dd (9,) to stand guard outside the living room to stop me coming in and interupting her fag. I feel asking children to keep secrets, totally undermines me as a parent, but she thinks it is funny and DH thinks it is annoying, but not a serious problem. I am furious. I have explained to her that my sister who is having xmas dinner here has asthma, but she assures me that shes sure it's, "made up."

  2. Expects a cooked breakfast everyday of her stay, and was very grumpy with me when i told her i did not want to cook a full english on xmas day as we'd be eating a big meal i a few hours. Cooked scrambled eggs with DD and she refused to eat these out of spite, even though DD had been really excited about cooking nanny a special breakfast on Xmas morning. ( And shes already told me she likes scrambled eggs.) Moaned all morning about being starving despite alternatives of toast/ cereal being offered. Generally weird attitude to food, refuses any fruit or vegetables, also has an addiction to coke and dh has been made to stock up whilst she's here. Ignores any requests of mine not to offer glasses of coke on a daily basis to children. Also expresses astonishment that i'm not feeding DH properly, ( he is normal BMI, her and FIL are unsuprisingly very obese.) Again DD is also given "secret," glasses of coke each day on previous visits without my knowledge, looks set to continue this year.

  3. Mil must watch what she wants to watch on telly at all times, especially on xmas day. My parents like to buy a family DVD and watch it together as a family each year, this year they brought Hairspray. DD was happily watching it with my parents, MIL asked to watch corrie at about half 7, I said she could watch the repeat with me later, ( I'm also an avid soap watcher, practically only thing we have in common,) but response was not good enough and she then had a large loud convo with FIL to ruin the rest of the film, asking every 10 minutes if we could stop watching this crap and put corrie on. This is why she gets the remote to herself for whole stay normally.

  4. is just so rude and vulgar all the time. Pretended to vomit up my xmas dinner back on to her plate as an illustration of how "disgusting dinner was." ( I'd accidently given her a plate with veg on.) Also encouraged kids to do the same. FIL also talks about their sex life non stop in front of my whole extended family. I think this is gross.

I am crying about spending another 10 days like this, DH whilst not impressed with this still seems to feel the kids benifit from the visit.

AIBU to make this the last visit? Just want some support from DH :(

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2012 08:19

TBH, I'd have kicked them out in the middle of the night, and taken great pleasure in doing so. And if DH didn't like it I'd have told him to fuck off with them for inflicting their shit on me AGAIN when anyone with two eyes could see how horrible they are to you.

So, the 'tradition' stops here and now. The festive season is over. Tell your DH to grow a spine/some balls and bring his parents into line, or drive them to the station TODAY. Ten days of this massive rudeness? Fuck. right. off!

And they don't come next year. No way, no how. Either you go away somewhere or he just tells them no, but there is absolutely no point to these visits except to upset you, and if he can't see that then he needs to be pulled up short. Kids benefit from these visits, my arse. Angry

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2012 08:20

Oh, and pour all the coke in the house down the sink.

Astelia · 26/12/2012 08:43

Pretending to vomit up food at the table? Talk about their sex life? Smoke near the DCs? Unbelievable. I think MIL and FIL have to go home tomorrow after that performance.

If they ever want to visit again you and DH together need to write out a list of house rules. Make sure they both agree to them and are sent home if they break them.

You will only have to do it a few times, I suspect before they up their game and act their age.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 08:55

Well it doesn't strike me as 'bollocks' Roffle but then it is a first time poster. Which is odd. OP are you a NCer?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 26/12/2012 09:26

Why the he'll is your DH allowing them to treat you like this? Why isn't he cooking their breakfast, telling them not to smoke in the house and pulling them up when they upset DD?

Yes they're awful, but while your DH doesn't back you up, you have sod all chance of anything changing.

If your folks live near by, get yourself over there for your own sanity and let DH deal with them by himself.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 26/12/2012 09:27

Roffle - the report button is there ^ if you don't believe it.

SantasENormaSnob · 26/12/2012 09:35

They wouldn't be coming back ever. Christmas or not.

Your pathetic dh should be supporting you.

HairyGrotter · 26/12/2012 09:38

They'd be out the door the minute she lit the fag. It is beggars belief how much some people are willing to put up with, foot down, boundaries set, lump it or fuck off

Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:41

"MIL you are the rudest person I have ever met. You are either to listen to what I say, or go home. Your choice."

I am so tired of people not answering rudeness with rudeness. She's not nice to you, why be nice to her?

Enough is enough. And tell your husband to either man up or leave with them.

Honestly. Be grown ups people. You're not children any more. Stop acting like them and letting others treat you like them.

AuntieMaggie · 26/12/2012 09:45

Agree with the other posters who said do not have them next year and put your foot down - your house your rules!

Your DC aren't benefitting from seeing grown adults act like this!

blonderthanred · 26/12/2012 09:51

Smoke alarms in every room?

Wishfulmakeupping · 26/12/2012 09:52

Agree with other posters about stopping this tradition next year - and like one poster said In the meantime DH is on cooling duties and he needs to be putting them in their place over unacceptable behaviour. They sound truely fecking awful :(

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 26/12/2012 09:53

YAsooooooooooNBU!

The standing guard and keeping secrets thing would piss me off more than anything.

Why would you want to encourage/normalise children keeping secrets from their parents? I am the last person to get on my high horse or be paranoid about things, but that's a bloody dangerous road to go down imho.

I can't believe you DH isn't willing to stand up to them about the sex talk either Shock.

wonderstuff · 26/12/2012 09:54

WOW - you sound like a saint - the smoking would do it for me - the rest is pretty nasty but smoking inside is just so revolting, disrespectful and dangerous.

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga · 26/12/2012 09:59

Tee putting up with rudeness has a lot to do with being British imnsho.

Op, you really have to tell us what a vulgar fry up is though.

NeedsToKnowTiggaxx

Somebodysomewhere · 26/12/2012 10:08

No one not even my own parents would be allowed to be that rude in my home. I would have her on the first train home.

Somebodysomewhere · 26/12/2012 10:09

And your DH needs to grow a pair and support you ! His behaviour is not looking great either.

EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree · 26/12/2012 10:12

So shoot me... whenever I read posts like yours I involuntarily think "Well, with luck they'll eliminate the issue themselves, by dying."

I think it all sounds terrible and I fail to see how being exposed to any of this can be 'good' for your children. It is one side though, so I'll keep an open mind; does anyone else think the 'leading astray' type behaviour inappropriate or do they just find it light-hearted and funny?

ledkr · 26/12/2012 10:13

What is the ten days all about? Xmas is over then a lot of people go to work tomorrow.
I have non offensive pil but they like to come and take root for days on visits and stay until the last possible moment.
They eat a lot but don't buy so much as a loaf of bread even when I was on mat leave and they knew we were struggling.
It's a shame but I've had to be quite savvy now and I pre empt visits. I make sure we only have basics in or go to them before they can descend on us. I always take supplies with us extra milk etc but they don't get the hint.

earthpixie · 26/12/2012 10:18

You need to make this the very last time they come for more than a normal-length visit (i.e. one day + one night maximum). Put it this way, if you don't, you'll be writing posts like this for the next 10-20 years. Think about it.

nkf · 26/12/2012 10:20

This has to be the last year it happens? How you get to that stage can be decided later but you can't do it again.

As they have the sensitivity of lampposts, you probably won't lose anything by screaming the place down and ordering them a cab.

Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 10:25

Tigga stop using being British as an excuse to let people treat you like shit. It's a bullshit excuse.

It has nothing to be with British and everything with being a doormat. I know quite a few British people who aren't doormats.

WeAreEternal · 26/12/2012 10:28

I would have a mEmber of my family have a sudden emergency that meant the whole family need to go and visit them immediately.

Next year I would just say "sorry we won't be able to collect you as we will be staying with family for a few days as we have been invites to spend Christmas there."

MizK · 26/12/2012 10:32

They sound like dickheads OP.
Last time you allow them to stay for this length of time.
Send DCs to opposite side of house and have strong words with them, fully backed up by DH - tell him if he doesn't agree to this chat you will simply boot them out.
Christmas should be about families and usually means extra patience and tolerance but these two seem like utter spoiled overgrown children - happy to impose upon and insult you but giving what in return, exactly?
You deserve happy Christmases with your DC.

Btw I am so bored of people raising red flags about authenticity of threads. If you think posters may be trolls or trying to stir etc, quietly report or ignore.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 26/12/2012 10:35

why do you accept this?

Why do you accept your husband colluding in their treatment of you?

Where's your husband's furious "don't you DARE treat my wife like this?" and his "If you cannot show my wife some respect in our home - get out of it"

Where's your "How dare you treat me like this, you are not welcome in my home"

You can't change how shitty people behave and how they treat you whilever you bend over and take it up the arse.

Get angry. And get angry with your husband too!

They will treat you like this for as long as you allow them to.

It is ok to tell them to leave.

It is ok to get visibly angry at them.

It's ok to demand respect.

You are WORTH it.

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