ABIU to want to stab vulgar fry up loving in-laws?

[Daisyduckling]

Basically apologies for a huge rant, but it's either this or DH's mother is kicked out of the house in the middle of the night.

MIL and FIL have always made it clear they despise me and my family, but somehow because they want to "protect," DH and my children from me, and they nomally live a ( healthy,) distance away, it has become a tradition that starting xmas eve, they will stay a week to ten days with the family to spend the "christmas season," with us. They never ask if it is a problem,just phone DH, to tell him what time he will need to pick them up from the statio. However it is problem for me, and issues arising today have particuarly wound me up. In no particular order:

1. DH and i have no problem with smokers, however ask people to smoke in the garden if they are staying in the house. MIL is used to smoking inside, and will always try and light up when i'm not looking, ( e.g. in another room cooking xmas dinner.) Today arguement started when i found out she asked dd (9,) to stand guard outside the living room to stop me coming in and interupting her fag. I feel asking children to keep secrets, totally undermines me as a parent, but she thinks it is funny and DH thinks it is annoying, but not a serious problem. I am furious. I have explained to her that my sister who is having xmas dinner here has asthma, but she assures me that shes sure it's, "made up."

2. Expects a cooked breakfast everyday of her stay, and was very grumpy with me when i told her i did not want to cook a full english on xmas day as we'd be eating a big meal i a few hours. Cooked scrambled eggs with DD and she refused to eat these out of spite, even though DD had been really excited about cooking nanny a special breakfast on Xmas morning. ( And shes already told me she likes scrambled eggs.) Moaned all morning about being starving despite alternatives of toast/ cereal being offered. Generally weird attitude to food, refuses any fruit or vegetables, also has an addiction to coke and dh has been made to stock up whilst she's here. Ignores any requests of mine not to offer glasses of coke on a daily basis to children. Also expresses astonishment that i'm not feeding DH properly, ( he is normal BMI, her and FIL are unsuprisingly very obese.) Again DD is also given "secret," glasses of coke each day on previous visits without my knowledge, looks set to continue this year.

3. Mil must watch what she wants to watch on telly at all times, especially on xmas day. My parents like to buy a family DVD and watch it together as a family each year, this year they brought Hairspray. DD was happily watching it with my parents, MIL asked to watch corrie at about half 7, I said she could watch the repeat with me later, ( I'm also an avid soap watcher, practically only thing we have in common,) but response was not good enough and she then had a large loud convo with FIL to ruin the rest of the film, asking every 10 minutes if we could stop watching this crap and put corrie on. This is why she gets the remote to herself for whole stay normally.

4. is just so rude and vulgar all the time. Pretended to vomit up my xmas dinner back on to her plate as an illustration of how "disgusting dinner was." ( I'd accidently given her a plate with veg on.) Also encouraged kids to do the same. FIL also talks about their sex life non stop in front of my whole extended family. I think this is gross.

I am crying about spending another 10 days like this, DH whilst not impressed with this still seems to feel the kids benifit from the visit.

AIBU to make this the last visit? Just want some support from DH :(

^DD is upset because MIL has informed her that if I " wasn't married to daddy
, she'd beat me up so much she'd put me in hospital." but that's ok, DH is sure DD will get over that as "she should know what her nannys like by now and only has to see her a few times a year."^

I do hope you pointed out to him that your PIL will not be getting withing a mile of your children ever again.

I'm fairly certain it would be very easy to get a retraining order based on that comment alone.

Desperately - I had mis-read that - re-reading it again, that is an awful thing to say to a child. OP, does your DH know about that comment, and what is his reaction. I would say that comment to a child is a deal breaker for me.

Whereyouleft - I can see your point.

OP you may need to stand firm your ground and not have any contact until you get an apology, and even then, there needs to be more effort to make up for the hurt caused. Its doubtful you will get an apology and if you do that it is genuine. I think its important to stand your ground, as your children will look to you as to how to behave when someone (verbally or physically) abuses them. Do they wilt and accept more abuse or do they say enough is enough. I know which I would try and teach them.

Wow!

There is no way on earth that those people would ever set foot in my house ever again. Your dh can go and see them, as I unrest and they're his parents, but he would not be taking the children.

This may be normal for him, but as you can see from the responses here it is not at all any where near close to normal.

"No they can fuck off to hell" is a complete sentence :o)

I can't believe there are people like this in the world. I would cut them off completely - they are poisonous and don't seem to have any redeeming features. You don't owe them anything beyond a card at Christmas. It isn't your fault that your DH happened to be their son, and he had the good sense to get out fast. Did you say that your DH has brothers and sisters? ,ay e they can go and haunt them on the holidays.

People like that will never ever see that how they act is wrong and will usually portray themselves as the victim.

There's no way back though is there? Lets face it, most reasonable people wouldn't have needed any of this pointing out to them. Just as most reasonable people would be mortified if they thought for one minute they'd offended their host.

These people aren't reasonable and therefore can't be reasoned with. I'm not going to join in with the others criticising your dh. I can imagine he has enough demons of his own to battle having grown up with them as parents - perhaps it's a wonder he turned out as well as he did!

Thanks for all the messages of support, I think DH will be reading this and see his parents behaivour is not normal. Well he already knows it's not normal, but feels as that it is just the way it is.

He left as soon as he started work at 16 as he couldn't bear living in his parents house as it was so filthy, and his parents staying up late drinking wasn't good with him having to be up early for work.

For the person who asked what set up he moved into, I think he was just renting rooms for cash in whatever cheap shared houses he could find. He says as soon as he started earning more money at work, he started flatsharing with a friend at about 18, and had somewhere he could make nice. However he'd always go to football with his dad, take his parents out for meals when he had the money and go to his parents to eat a couple of times a week, so in their minds they were still pretty close.

And yeah i would also like to clarify "I hope you die of AID's," was a comment my MIL made to my niece during the fallout last night, it is certainly not something I'd say lol.

Yeah this needs discussing with DH, as he's convinced the kids ill have to come with him to visit his parents over the new year and before they star back at school to smooth over the shortenned visit. It's just not going to happen.

Moominsarehippos-no he is an only child, which is why we are haunted by them every xmas, Easter and summer.

I just hope he stays loyal to you and doesn't side with them. They don't deserve any of you.

Just sorry my own xmas has been ruined yet again

Chin up, OP. At least you can look forward to next year

I doubt your DH is deliberately trying to be unfeeling or disinterested. He probably feels caught between a rock and a hard place, probably can't believe what has happened and just wants to stick his fingers in his ears, shut his eyes and sing "lalala" until it's all over. He's probably seen so much confrontation and aggro that he tries to avoid it himself.

I would also imagine that, as he left their home at 16, he hasn't had an opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them and therefore just reverts to 16 year old boy who just wants to run off every time he has to see them but feels he has to "do the right thing" by allowing them to see your DD.

His behaviour hasn't been great but it takes a lot of balls to stand up for yourself against a gobby, obnoxious pair of racist parents. So don't be too hard on him

Well te tradition stops today, no vists ever. Dh is to go to them tey shoud no longer be welcome into your house anymore

Message for OP's husband :

Please try to set aside this whole 'just the way it is' thing. That's a phrase that applies to tides, gravity and volcanoes, but it does not apply to humans. We have free will and we are, within our limitations, how we choose to be. You know this already, perhaps not consciously, but you do know this. You chose to move out from your parental home at the earliest possible time, because you wanted to live in clean surroundings and to be able to get up in the mornings to work for your living. (Good choices, BTW.) Meanwhile, your parents were choosing to live in filthy surroundings and to drink late into the night. Nobody was forcing them to do this. This was not/is not 'just the way they are' - it is how they chose/choose to be.

At 16 and having to pay your own way meant you would have had far less disposable income than if you had stayed with your parents, so that was not an easy choice for you to make. And yet you made it. You still saw your parents, but on your terms - at football, in restaurants, dinner at their house. You continued to choose to live your life as you saw fit, not how they saw fit. You chose to be a separate person, of a separate household.

Fast forward, you are now married with children. You live a considerable distance from your parents, so frequency of contact is limited. Now, there may be reasons which have nothing to do with your parents as to WHY you live so far from them; but regardless, desire to be in constant contact with them DID NOT OVERRIDE those reasons. You (and your wife) made a choice.

You must be able to see how rude they choose to be to your wife; your WIFE, the person you chose to be with for the rest of your life, forsaking all others, the mother of your children, your companion, your lover. The question is, why do you CHOOSE to allow them to behave towards her (and by extension, you) in this way? They are in your (you and OP's) house. They are guests, and the norm is for guests to be polite and appreciative of their hosts. It may be that because the OP is an adult, you feel she will put up with this intense social assault by your parents for you; to please you and make you happy. (And does their behaviour please you and make you happy, husband of OP? I sincerely doubt it. By telling yourself that it is 'just the way it is' you are coping with something you feel you must endure. But why must you?)

Now, your daughter is nine. Your mother told her she wanted to beat her mother badly enough to put her mother in the hospital. She's NINE. She does not have an adult's resilience, nor an adult's ability to step back and see your mother for what she is. You've taught your daughter to love your mother, and this makes her vulnerable to your mother's behaviour. She cannot hope to reconcile the conflicting thoughts, fears and emotions that your mothers vindictive hostility will have aroused in your daughter's mind.

You might feel for yourself that you can endure your parents, that you have an obligation to them (you don't, BTW). You have chosen to inflict them on your wife for over a decade, and she is now at the end of her very long tether. She has put up with them for love of you, but you really need to stop this torture, for the love of her. And you really need to think seriously about the effect your parents are having on your children. They are YOUR responsibility; and frankly - you're shirking. Bad enough that you treat your wife this way, she always has the choice to leave you. No such choice exists for your children. They need you and your wife to protect them from a pretty toxic pair of individuals. You've told your wife that you think the kids benefit from your parents visits. Can you be specific about how they benefit? Actually put that 'benefit' into words? I sincerely doubt it. Because there is no benefit. I'm sorry, but your parents are horrible people. You got out as soon as you could. So why are you thrusting your wife and children into the path of their steamroller? It's unkind. Downright cruel. Please, change your choice over this matter. Because you know you can. And you must know that you should.

Great post where

I can't see what possible benefit your DD could derive from their visits.

I am utterly stunned at how this turned out. It's not like the meeting was ever going to go down well, but fuck me they are vile.

OP, please don't ever let your DCs near those wankers. I am not usually an advocate of one parent overruling the other but you absolutely have to put your foot down and ensure your DH is not allowed to take the DCs near his parents. He is not thinking clearly atm, he may well take some time to actually realise what's happened, but until that day comes, you need to ensure the DCs are kept well away.

Fantastic, well reasoned post Where.

If nothing else op should show her dh that.

Yes fantastic post where

I'd never have them back OP. They sound vile and spiteful. Hope your DH wisens up. Enjoy the rest of your holidays.

I have to say that while I sympathise with the OP and these people are clearly completely horrible, I do also have some sympathy with the DH. There are loads of people on here who not only grew up with awful parents (bigots, bullies, alcoholics, abusers etc) but who have spent a large part of their adult lives still trying to make it all OK and hold on to that family relationship. Cutting your parents out of your life, however horrible they are, is a really difficult, upsetting thing to do, and nearly all of those who had bad parents are still hoping for some kind of magical improvement in the bad parents' behaviour and longing to be loved by them.

The DH here is presumably a kind, good, gentle sort of man otherwise the OP wouldn't have married him. While she is perfectly right and reasonable to want to keep this awful couple away from herself and her children - and also her H - he might need some additional, external support in keeping them at a distance and understanding that it's OK to dislike them and condemn their nastiness. As his parents, they will know all the right buttons to push to make him feel selfish, disloyal, 'up himself' and wicked for not wanting to see them.

That's so true SG and remarkably touchy-feely for you. Are you quite yourself tonight? Lovely post.

Goodness Daisy

I will add this for your husband - should your daughter go to school in January and repeat any of what Nanny & Grandad have shared with her then you are going to be facing some seriously tough questions.

Either you tell the children that this behaviour is beyond reproach and the consequences for it have been severe or you run the risk of them replicating it at school.

Ask your wife what the consequences would be for your children should they use the racist comments your parents did.
Ask her what the situation would be should they repeat that grandad likes it 'doggy style' or that Grandma wants to beat mummy up and put her in hospital.

Should the situation ever arise that you get called into explain those things then I want you consider if your response of 'oh it's just what they are like' will reassure anyone that those things are not considered appropriate in your house.

I would rather be completely isolated than put my child in that situation again.

And your wife... well she deserves a hug and your support... she is worth her weight in gold.

Excellent posts by where, sg and dayshiftdoris.

Op please show these to your dh even of nothing else....

There is really no basis for any further compromise regarding you or dd op. It is perfectly understandable that DH may still want to cling on desperately to some sort of relationship with his parents and he is entitled to do that.
Just a simple 'see you soon dear, dd and I will miss you whilst you are visiting them' will suffice. No need for any form of argument. Please cease all further contact.

WOW! just WOW! Ive met some total and utter nutters in my life, but seriously....What absolutely horrid people!

OP, your DH needs to describe his parents' behaviour and their comments to someone outwith the family. He has come to see their behaviour as nasty but 'just the way they are' when in fact they are horrible individuals who none of you should distress yourselves by associating with.

None of their behaviour is forgivable and as for letting them near your DCs, well that borders on abuse.

Well, they might go through some sort of transformation into pleasant people following the row but at their age I don't think it will happen. And you risk some nasty underhand actions by DM in revenge for what has happened, this revenge could be taken out on your DD to get back at you.

Perhaps you could meet up with them in public places like cafes or restaurants in the future but that would be as much as I would want to have to do with them.

Another wow, and three cheers for Daisy! Well done and enjoy the time with the rest of your family.