AIBU to be so cross with DP?

[WeAreEternal]

DP works away. He was supposed to be back tomorrow morning.
He called this morning to tell me that actually he won't be back until Monday probably late afternoon.

It isn't even for work reasons. he doesn't have to stay, he wants to.

I have so much left to do. DS will be so upset. We have everything planned. I need him here.

I listed all of the things that I need him for and he just said "it's fine you can do that on your own though can't you"

The point is that I don't want to and shouldn't have to, I'm not a single parent, I shouldn't have to do everything by my self.

I don't know if I am more cross or upset.

DP thinks I am BU to be cross because I know what his job is like, and he will be back in a few days so "it really doesn't make that much of a difference.

I can't imagine sharing my life with someone who didn't actively enhance it. It makes me feel very sad for those who've ended up in these kinds of relationships :(

What a depressing thread

I understand it must be hard for a poster who simply wanted to rant have the poor state of her relationship reflected back at her, but what can posters do? A "there there" approach doesn't wash here - her DH is behaving appallingly and it is entirely reasonable for MNers to point that out.

My DH works away several times a month. Sometimes he'll tag on a game of golf or a night out with friends but he wouldnt dump that decision on me last minute. And if I phoned him in tears, saying I was stressed/had too much to do he would drive through the night to get back to me. Even if he'd had a longstanding, much looked forward to, social engagement.that is a normal reaction when you love someone.

OP only you know your relationship and it's boundaries. I believe many of the posters here who have suggested adopting a more hard line approach than you are prepared to take are absolutely genuine. I know I wouldn't tolerate being treated with such utter contempt.

I hope things improve for you and your son.

Whoah.

Sorry for the late reply, I've been busy.

It is extremely easy to judge a situation in the worst possible way when someone rants about the situation when upset and angry.
However, this has just kind of snowballed and people are now jumping to wild compleatly over the top conclusions.

1. DP does not treat me like a servant. He is not abusive or anything else suggested.
2. This incident is wildly out of character for DP, which is why I was so upset and angry.

Surly if it was common behaviour I would have just accepted it, not become so upset that I felt the need to rant on MN.

1. This thread was just that, a rant. I don't really have anyone that I can vent to in RL ATM, which is why I vented my frustration on here.

DP's job is not just a job, it is a life, which we chose, we always knew it would be hard.
DP can be away for months at a time, and has many times drived through the night to get home if i needed him.
His job is important, and sometimes he isn't able to tell me where he is or what he is doing, for all I know he could actually be working on something urgent, I only have what his friend and colleague told me to go on.

We got married as teenagers because of this job and dispite being apart for most of our relationship we still love each other as much as we did back then. It is hard but we make it work because we love each other and we are a family.
I completely agree that stability is more important for children than two parents who are together, which is why I made the choice to stay and build a real home for our family.
It wasn't always this hard, DP used to work close by, which is why we bought a house here, but when he was moved to another location two years ago we decided that we would stay here and try and make this work, and it has done.

I am not making excuses or settling for anything, I love my DP and one uncharacteristic act of twatishness isn't going to change that.
I am not going to get an explanation from him until he gets home.

DP can be away for months at a time, and has many times driven (bloody autocorrect) through the night to get home if i needed him.

YANBU. I wonder why he's behaving like such a prick now then, if its so out of character?

Sounds like back pedalling to me.

In your first couple of posts you were sure he just fancied a jolly.

What you describe is not a man who is not selfish but when asked a man who "is not normally this selfish".

A man who is bitter because you have bought a house to give stability to your child.

A man who you said doesn't understand this is important.

A man who has convinced you that although he has a wife and child his job is your life.

Who makes decisions without talking to you.

Who dismisses you and thinks you are unreasonable when you are upset.

Who intends not to come home until Christmas from his difficult job which takes him away a lot and already interferes with ds and your lives unpredictably when he was given permission to leave without explaining or discussing that with you, without even bothering to give you any explanation at all.

I know you have been with him since you were young and you feel you have to tolerate this job which allows him to get away with treating you like rubbish but it is his attitude which really sucks, his job is hard but it sounds like he does very little to help make it easier on you and you've given 17 years to his job, when does he give to you and ds?

He does treat you like a servant because you are not involved in making decisions jointly, you are required to keep the home and raise his son and he decides what you do and what you put up with.

Yes I was, but I was also angry and upset and with no info from DP I only had the word of his colleague to go on, so I just went with that.

After having time to think about it in a calmer mindset it is more likely that there is just something work related, or another good reason that DP can't tell me now, but will when he gets home, and that rather than getting upset and jumping to conclusions I should have thought this from the start, which maybe what DP expected and why he didn't understand my emotional ranting.

Why have you had no explanation from him the many times you have spoken to him? Why has he simply dismissed your feelings completely? Why is he bitter about you and ds having a stable home? Why does he not understand that stability is necessary for a family?

Seriously have friends in the military, communication with wives and girlfriends is extra important, as is coming home when they say they will.

I'm sorry OP but if there really was something work related or another good reason why on earth wouldn't he tell you? Especially in the light of your very obvious distress?

You phoned him in tears and his response is to dismiss you. Regardless of whether he "understood" your emotional ranting -which to reiterate was entirely reasonable- the appropriate response when your partner phones in tears is to do your best by them.

I am stunned at the excuses you're making for his selfishness

I agree that if it was really important he could, and would have told you.

I feel sorry for your son in this. 2nd to his father's job, and 2nd to his mother's husband.

I am amazed that you excusing him like this, but then I guess you are used to doing it in order to keep the status quo. How depressing.

It's beyond me why he couldn't just say that he had to stay on for work reasons if that's the case.

So now you're in the position where his job (we presume) has taken precedence over him coming home to see DS and help you, and you have to accept that due to the nature of the work. What you and DH also need to accept is that you're not superhuman , and that without help there are some things that won't get done. In fact there are probably things you could do on your own if you actually were on your own - but you're not , you also have a small child to care for. Just do whatever preparation you can, and prioritise DS.

He does treat you like a servant because you are not involved in making decisions jointly, you are required to keep the home and raise his son and he decides what you do and what you put up with.

It's amazing how from one thread written in an emotional state about one uncharacteristic act you can make such while assumptions about my life.

If anything I make more decisions about our family than DP.
Surly if I was the submissive servant that you are painting me out to be with a controlling DP who makes all of my decisions then we would be living close to where he works and following him when he is relocated.
Which is what he would prefer.

DP grew up with that life, he doesn't understand why I don't want that and because it is all he ever knew he can't understand why I think staying in once place is so important.
He doesn't agree that moving every few years in unstable, because he never felt like that growing up.
But however much he doesn't like or understand it he accepts my choice to stay put.

I have only spoken to DP on the phone twice, the rest has been text messages.
Obviously I am owed an explanation, but DP will have a good reason for staying, and he will tell me when he can.

I was being over emotional when I started this thread, I was suffering from pmt, the boiler wasn't working properly then other things went wrong and I felt very overwhelmed and abandoned, and I poured all of my stress into this.

I wasn't being unreasonable to be upset and angry with DP, but I think I acted a little too emotionally and DP probably did think I was being ott.

"but DP will have a good reason for staying and will tell me when he can" - oh come on love unless he's deep undercover behind enemy lines he would tell you now

I hope for your sake the friend that does the same job and said there was nothing left to do was mistaken. But I doubt it. And I suspect even if your DH comes back with some half baked excuse about solidarity you'll suck it up because you are so used to not coming first.

The more you post the sorrier I feel for you.

Bloody hell, op.
He's for you well trained hasn't he?
:(

I'm sure you make a lot of decisions day to day for you and ds, as a nanny would, as a housekeeper would. I get the impression you do not make joint decisions together with him about the family. You have insisted on staying in one place, against his will, this seems to mean you are required to suck up all of the things he decides to do on his own. Where is the partnership? It isn't that he makes the decisions for you it is that he makes decisions for himself by himself as though he does not have a family and he then behaves as though it is incredulous that you should be included and I don't believe this is a one off.

Have you seen this thread OP?

Maybe it was just a rant, maybe you feel things aren't so bad and people on here are being unnecessarily harsh on your DP

However, I would recommend you take a long hard look at your relationship and consider how you feel partners should behave towards each other

I am sorry u are going through this, I hope for everyones sake that his absence is all part of an elaborate christmas surprise.

The reason why most people are shocked and upset by your initial post is because it sounds so alien to most people. Trying his luck is one thing, but to dismiss your feelings as childish is a step too far. If this is out of character, make sure it doesnt become his character.

Just remember that he chose you, your lifestyle and your ambitions as much as you chose his. Your son didnt choose any of it, and its not your job to put things right when his dad upsets him. Either way hope you resolve your issues and have a lovely christmas.