AIBU to be so cross with DP?

[WeAreEternal]

DP works away. He was supposed to be back tomorrow morning.
He called this morning to tell me that actually he won't be back until Monday probably late afternoon.

It isn't even for work reasons. he doesn't have to stay, he wants to.

I have so much left to do. DS will be so upset. We have everything planned. I need him here.

I listed all of the things that I need him for and he just said "it's fine you can do that on your own though can't you"

The point is that I don't want to and shouldn't have to, I'm not a single parent, I shouldn't have to do everything by my self.

I don't know if I am more cross or upset.

DP thinks I am BU to be cross because I know what his job is like, and he will be back in a few days so "it really doesn't make that much of a difference.

To a child "I always wanted to do this job" and "I believe in marriage" are not things which make them feel better about having been let down and forgotten. In that they read "dad cares more about his job than me and mum cares more about her relationship, there must be something wrong with me."

It has already been forever though hasn't it if you have been with him 17 years. It isn't his job that's the problem, it is him. If he left his job it wouldn't suddenly make him prioritise his family when he doesn't now, he doesn't even understand why you are upset and he thinks you are being unreasonable. No man who cared about you would treat you this way.

I do agree that it was childish threatening him with not coming home when you don't mean it.

You should be bothered about it and you should be even if it wasn't Christmas. It is not ok to tell a child you are coming home and then not do it. Ds may seem fine if this is what he is always like but that just means he has already internalised damaging messages about the importance of him to his dad and about how dads behave.

I'm at a loss I must admit OP

Ok so you are happy that yourself and your ds play second fiddle to your dh's job.

(Not entirely sure your ds will agree with that sentiment when he gets older but hey ho thats another thread.)

My point is is your are happy playing second / third/ whatever fiddle to your DH's needs and ambition then ok, it is only yourself and your ds you are hurting.

But why get angry at him if you have accepted your place?

It's quite obvious that your dh can do what he likes to suit himself and you will convince yourself of reasons to defend his behaviour.

Why even bother posting on here asking for opinions at all?

It has become clear she is posting to vent in order to be able to tolerate staying with him, which is frustrating as we are being used to prop up the relationship.

Oh yes and disagree with the ' it's the life we chose'

Your ds didn't choose to be born to a father that considers staying away from his family and having a good old single life a much better option than actually (shock horror) going home to spend time with his son

:( How sad that you are justifying him treating you and your DS like shit

It isn't an isolated incident, because now you have given him the go ahead to treat you like this, so he will continue to do so.

And your DS will learn that this is how wives and families are treated

:(

Offred My thoughts exactly

I'm at a loss as well.

I do think that there should be a Woe Is Me forum on Mumsnet, as so many threads appear to be started over absolutely disgusting behaviour from partners, but as the MN rabble offers support and in some cases gets angry and upset for the OP, the OP then says, er, I woz only avin a whinge, everyfink's fine, shurrup. I'm certainly not going to leave the bastard and nothing's going to change, I'm just left to do EVERYTHING by myself, agaaaaain, siiiiigh, big martyr of the year award for me pleeeeease...

At which point the rabble comes to an emergency stop and becomes very confused.

Or we could turn AIBU into a poll-based area only. AIBU or AINBU? Tick one. Ta.

Hahaha purrpurr but that wouldn't be nearly as much fun!

In all seriousness I think some women get angry and write a knee jerk post but then realise they actually would rather put up with anything than have to actually change / stand up for themselves in RL.

It's just sad when there are kids involved that just get left out of the 'is this relationship good for me' equation

I've been there before, you think you can be strong and committed and flexible enough for the both of you, loving enough for the both of you, stable enough despite sabotage from a jealous baby of a father for your son. You may succeed in keeping the relationship together for a long time and see this as an achievement because it is difficult to keep your needs so suppressed that they don't impinge on someone you call a partner but who absolutely isn't in any sense of the word, this sense of achievement is all you have but it is enough to keep you going.

What would happen if you didn't facilitate prioritising him over everything and everyone else? When you have made a small but important step to prioritise stability for you and ds he resents you, he resents you for seeking the absolute bare minimum of anything for yourself and your child and over this he doesn't understand, he dismisses you.

There is no hope for this relationship and you will pass the costs on to your child in his future relationships.

It isn't the quantity (years together) that counts, it's the quality of the relationship.

Why does he want to stay? What the hell is he up to?

That would be my first thoughts. Why isn't he rushing to be home with his wife and child if he works away? Really odd behaviour. When Christmas is over call him on it. He sounds like he has little or no respect for you whatsoever.

DS misses his dad and although I happy I am often lonely. It is very had doing all of this alone. And I don't think he understands that.

I'm not sure it's a question of him not understanding. I'm sure he does understand that you feel fed up and lonely being on your own. The question is, does he care? Does he care that you are having to get everything ready for Xmas on your own? Does he care that his son misses him and was looking forward to seeing him?

I'm angry because like with everything else I'm left to do it alone.

Does he care that you're angry about it? It doesn't sound like it. Deciding to spend the weekend with workmates rather than his family is a pretty strong indicator of where you and DS come on his list of priorities.

So there are two possible solutions here if you want to stay together. One is that he starts caring about the fact that you're left to do everything alone, and agrees with you that things need to change.

The other is that you stop being angry about being left to do everything alone and accept that this is how life is.

Which is the more likely outcome?

I'm a bit confused too at this thread - maybe it is just a rant, but it's also very sad OP that you now seem prepared to put up with this treatment of you when you readily admit you're angry - and with good reason!

Bearing that anger without it ever being resolved is no good for your self esteem or mental health. Despite your protestations that everything will be okay you know deep down that he's let you down big time by being disloyal. He's also left all the hard work of Xmas to you - I mean, why FFS .... does he consider you his housekeeper ? You know that you've effectively been forced into a subservient role for the time he's away because you've been presented with a fait accompli - no courtesy of discussion/negotiation before - and have no choice, obviously, but to carry on looking after your son and sorting Xmas. At the time of year when most households are busy organising stuff rather frantically. You know deep down that he thinks he's more important than you - though you're supposed to be a partnership - because it's okay for him to go out on an extended piss-up while you do all the drudgery. Surely that can't feel very good ? Consider whether he'd make a unilateral decision at work which dropped his colleagues in the s**t so that he could do something to his advantage, and when they protested, then told them they were being childish for daring to question him. Do you think he'd do that ? ..... probably not ..... because he wouldn't get away with it, yet he does that to you. You're held in very low regard by him, and that's horrid.

I'm not so sure what you want us to say. You've accepted being a "single" parent because of his job which is fair enough though you admit it's not ideal. But that doesn't mean you should accept being a "single" parent when you don't have to be. Quite obviously - and rightly - you're upset and angry these last few days but what are you going to do about it ? If you leave this now he'll think it's okay to be so bluntly selfish and to behave like a single bloke when he's not. Which hugely increases the possibility of something similar happening again - and again. Your relationship seems hugely imbalanced - forget the job - it's his attitude I mean. At the very least you really should consider thrashing this out in counselling because the way you've been treated isn't right at all - nor is his bitterness you mentioned because you wouldn't comply 100% with what he wanted.

I've a nasty feeling though that this will all just get swept under the carpet when he eventually turns up ......

I think OP has had her fill of honesty and won't be coming back to the thread

I really hate the way that people can't come on here for a rant without the masses piling in with LTB and then getting arsey with the OP when they don't agree that their partner is the antichrist and they must leave them immediately.

The OP is then forced to defend themselves and their relationship so end up on the same side as their partner against everyone on here.

It is embarrassing sometimes the way everything gets worked up into a frenzy and really unhelpful for the OP.

What exactly is wrong with a high divorce rate?

You are joking aren't you?? Do you have any idea on the impact of divorce on children's lives plus associated problems with step-families and the like? Marriages/relationships are hard work sometimes, no-one has the perfect marriage and people come with faults and flaws which you have to live with. You don't leave a marriage at the first sign of trouble, you stay and work out your problems.

Casmama - people can come on for a rant. People who make out they want advice/support with something that is a problem will get that.

Dancer - divorce is vastly better for children than staying in a bad relationship where they learn to be abused/abusers... All the research shows that stability is what matters not marriage or having two parents.

And this is not something I would class as "the first sign of trouble"... It is hardly being a bit later than you said you would be from the pub is it?

Agree casamama. The OP asked if she was BU for being 'cross' with her dp. Her use of that word should be a signal that she wasn't thinking in extreme terms, she was just really upset and pissed off. She didn't ask if she should leave him or whether people thought his behaviour was suspicious etc. She also made clear early on that this behaviour was out of character and that she had clearly told him she thought it was crap and he was letting his son down. Of course she isn't going to come back to her thread to be effectively bullied by over-zealous posters.

Why should it be considered "extreme" to leave a partner who treats you and your child like rubbish? That seems a ridiculous preposition to me!

She hasn't made it clear it is out of character, she said he has never gone this far before but from what she says he has always prioritised himself over the family. This is just an escalation.

I think the trouble is we don't know each other on Mumsnet. I know some people do in RL. So I think people (including me) take posts at face value so sometimes it is difficult to get the bigger picture of a relationship and how it works. The OP did sound absolutely fed up and probably hit a low point. And I agree with people who say relationships are hard work and most of us are quite capable of behaving in a selfish way at times. Hope this makes some sense.

Thing is, it's almost always women who are supposed to shut up and eat shit 'work' at relationships, while a lot of men simply expect to do as they please. While no one is in any way obligated to act on advice they recieve from randoms on an internet forum, it's a good thing for women being treated like servants/pets/domestic appliances to hear other people saying NO you don't have to live like this, it's OK to be single, dump his selfish sorry arse, as opposed to what they probably get all around them: it's just the way men are, you need to keep him sweet, children need to learn that women are servants both their parents...

Just what exactly are you meant to work on when someone does exactly what they please with no discussion and completely dismisses your feelings about it?

I think people also need to understand that it was the op who said he should not come home, he responded that was childish, and it seems it may have been, because she had no intention of carrying it through

Sounds a bit weird to me really. He's suddenly staying longer for fun??? Might it be something to do with girls?

He clearly doesn't know his own child much if he thinks his child wouldn't mind. My child would be absolutely inconsolable if his dad decides to stay away 2 more days.

YANBU,however...how to solve it. You will be upset when he comes home, and be pushed in the role of 'whining wife'. He will therefor not enjoy coming home and long back for being away with the lads again.

Personally I have found no solution for this whatsoever. It makes me furious when my husband stays away (for very valid work reasons actually). I want him with me, which is actually a nice thing. Being there, sharing our life. Yes, that means doing his bit in the home and for the family, but it means so much more.

Of course I can get the car to the garage, buy new curtains and organise a birthday party on my own. And I am sure you can do all the Christmas preps on your own too. However, it's no fun!!!

To me family life is doing these things together, as a team, as a family. It's quite painful they just seem to be 'tasks' to my husband that he can easily delegate to me, as after all 'he is the breadwinner and doing his task'. It's a bit like these busy managers delegating buying their wife's birthday present to their secretary. It doesn't matter as a fact, after all, he got you a present. But it does matter, as it shows there's somehow no time and attention for you any longer.

I am soooo with you. Anyone out there know how to solve it? Talking about responsibilities, makes it all so much worse, as it makes you into the victim, the whining wife, the party who asks 'can you pleaeaease help me?' or 'you better do your bit because I am NOT going to'. Both seem to make it worse.

Yep, the way to solve it is to live by yourself or find someone who doesn't treat you like a servant! Someone who feels like they are entitled to do this is not going to change, why would they? Their lives are great this way, they already don't care how their wife feels and they get to totally indulge themselves, changing would involve sacrificing this lifestyle and increasing their workload/responsibilities...