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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so cross with DP?

169 replies

WeAreEternal · 19/12/2012 23:38

DP works away. He was supposed to be back tomorrow morning.
He called this morning to tell me that actually he won't be back until Monday probably late afternoon.

It isn't even for work reasons. he doesn't have to stay, he wants to.

I have so much left to do. DS will be so upset. We have everything planned. I need him here.

I listed all of the things that I need him for and he just said "it's fine you can do that on your own though can't you"

The point is that I don't want to and shouldn't have to, I'm not a single parent, I shouldn't have to do everything by my self.

I don't know if I am more cross or upset.

DP thinks I am BU to be cross because I know what his job is like, and he will be back in a few days so "it really doesn't make that much of a difference. HmmSad

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 20/12/2012 19:15

He's being a massive dick but he doesn't care and won't do anything to change it. You're understandably gutted but won't do anything to change it. It's a very sad state of affairs and I feel bad for you and your son. I don't know what the resolution is as things stand though.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 20/12/2012 19:19

I could understand him having an extra day out there but staying Monday is madness. Really selfish and unreasonable.

Offred · 20/12/2012 21:11

Why on earth wouldn't you consider breaking up over this? Tbh this makes me wonder if your boundaries are adjusted to accept really really crappy treatment, why would this be? If you can't stand up for yourself could you do it for ds. Telling him not to come home when you don't mean it and aren't prepared to follow through was very silly. I think you should have left it at that and followed through on it but if you aren't going to then you will have to just accept that he will treat you and ds however he likes. :(

tinkertitonk · 20/12/2012 21:30

OP, you have attached a lot of weight to what you DH's colleague has said, but you have given different versions of it.

Maybe you have understated your DH's obligations, and there is more to it than mere solidarity. If, for example, he is in charge of some team that has to stick to its task, then he has to be there with them even though the letter of his employment contract might not say that.

Dancergirl · 20/12/2012 21:51

OP YANBU

But I do think some of these posts on here are completely OTT. Leave the bastard, changing the locks, ending the marriage?? Over ONE incident?!

God, is it any wonder the divorce rate is so high if you would prepared to leave after one incident? Good, strong marriages don't fall apart overnight. I'm not for one minute condoning his behaviour but the OP has said it's out of character and there's no chance of an affair. He's coming back Christmas Eve right? So the sensible thing to do would be to arrange things as best you can, try and enjoy Christmas together for the sake of your ds and afterwards when things have calmed down, talk to him and explain how hurt and disappointed you are.

Maybe he'll realise he made a massive mistake. Give him a chance to explain.

Offred · 20/12/2012 22:10

She has explained and he doesn't care dancer.

What prize is given out for staying in a shit relationship? The op isn't married by the way but I don't think it'd make any difference if she was.

Tbh an affair would seem like the least important thing to me. I'd be more bothered about having a DP who didn't give a stuff about me or ds and disrespected me twice; once by not coming home and secondly by dismissing my feelings.

Dancergirl · 20/12/2012 22:14

But how do we know it's a shit relationship? This is an isolated incident. Unless there is more to it....?

Offred · 20/12/2012 22:22

Because he is never home, because she tripped around following his dream with him for 3 years and he now resents her for making a stable home for ds. The "one incident" is bad enough to end it anyway though. Sometimes "one incident" is...

PickledInAPearTree · 20/12/2012 22:46

I'm never in threads calling for ltb but this would upset me greatly.

I agree that a very serious talk & evaluation is needed. It's Christmas weekend and its just really odd he is delaying seeing his family.

olympicvibes · 20/12/2012 23:37

Sorry what do you mean by ltb Pickled? Newish and not used to all acronyms yet.

Lots of strong advice...oh penny dropping ..'leave the bastard'?! Yeah there is way too much marriage iver talk here. Shocked really.

Op. You know you are not BU and he knows it is wrong. Get through christmas and when you are on the other side you need too get to the bottom of this strange selfish behaviour. Whatever answers you get, be good to yourself and think about what you need and how much of that you have. Do hope your christmas is not ruined. Sounds like you desp need help support and hands on support. V difficult to effectively be a single non single mum so much of the time.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 21/12/2012 07:26

We don't have a shit relationship, we wouldn't be together if we did.

Things are hard with DP's job and living apart but we make it work.
I'm not going to leave him just because he is curently acting like a masive bastard. As Dancer said, no wonder the divorce rate is so high if people would be willing to give up that easily.

DP is stressed with work ATM, I can put his shitty attitude down to that.

Christmas isn't ruined.
I'm angry because like with everything else I'm left to do it alone.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/12/2012 07:34

What exactly is wrong with a high divorce rate? But I also think that's rich because you aren't married!

Seriously, it will be a massive mistake to stay, and it was a massive mistake to threaten ending it when you don't mean it.

LookingForwardToMarch · 21/12/2012 07:35

If your not going give him any consequences for these incredibly uncaring and selfish actions...

(even if it is just this once and its due to the poor little lambs stress that he has to stay away from his family)

...at all bar a little sulk from you then good for you! You will have a long long marriage!

But I wouldn't bother moaning and resenting him if he is this selfish in the future, you've pretty much just given him the go ahead...

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 21/12/2012 07:40

Actually we are married and I never threatened to end it.

And I'm not going to let him get away with this, I'm just not going to throw away a 17 year relationship because of one incident.
And I'm certainly not going to ruin my DS's christmas over it.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/12/2012 07:43

You are correct in your assertion that your dc need stability btw. All the research says stability is way more important than marriage or even two parents. If one parent starts fucking with the stability that badly affects the child, that's what he is doing with this. Also leaving all the work of Christmas to you. I would never be able to forgive someone for letting my child down in this way right before Christmas and it shows he doesn't really care about either of you. Especially if he dismisses you. You seem to be making all the sacrifices and he sounds as if he resents you. What has he done for this relationship?

Offred · 21/12/2012 07:45

He's already ruined Christmas though hasn't he?

One incident isn't the issue. The issue is what this says about your relationship and how he feels about/treats you and ds' needs.

LookingForwardToMarch · 21/12/2012 07:48

"If you don't come home by Saturday don't bother coming home at all as it will be easier to explain to [ds] than that have to work than you are just a selfish twat who doesn't want to come home."

Seems like an empty threat of ending it to me, ofcourse apologies if thats just me mis-reading it.

No-one could or would force you to give up a relationship you still think is right for you and your ds. I think everyone was just pointing out that in what most people consider a 'healthy' relationship his actions are bang out of order.

Sincere congratulations on the 17 year relationship! However as a few of my relatives have discovered the amount of time does not necessarily relate to the strength/workability of the relationship. I wouldn't really base that as a reason not to kick off.

McKayz · 21/12/2012 07:49

My DH works abroad for 2 months at a time and is desperate to get home. Nothing at all would make him stay any longer than he had too. Family always comes first here.

It sounds like you and your DS are quite low in his priorities if he won't come home at Christmas time.

Offred · 21/12/2012 07:51

And FFS loyalty to the people he works with?

Are you happy for ds to come below his work like this because that's what he is saying to him when he does this? That will damage his self esteem and his relationship with his dad and you need to be careful you aren't condoning or facilitating his poor treatment of ds.

Badvocsanta · 21/12/2012 07:53

Ok.
So why exactly are you complaining then?
His work is stressful - diddums - so it's ok for him to treat you and your child this way. (My Dhs work is stressful too and he works away at times. He would swim home if he had to to be with a for Xmas)
He has always worked abroad so it's ok to treat you and his child this way.
As you say, you are pretty much already a lone parent anyway.
So, good luck.
Because if you don't do something this will happen again.
I can sort of understand you letting him treat you like this...you seem to be making lots if excuses for him and enabling him, but to let him treat your child like this?
How could you?
How could you not make stand?
After 17 years if him basically doing whatever he wants, it's more than time I think.

Badvocsanta · 21/12/2012 07:54

Your poor ds :(

TheNebulousBoojum · 21/12/2012 07:54

'What exactly is wrong with a high divorce rate?'

I'm all for getting rid of marriage and having a 5 year rolling contract instead. Because that seems to be how long a number of individuals can cope.

Badvocsanta · 21/12/2012 07:55

Oh, and dh and I have been toothed 17 years too.
What in earth and that got to do wi anything?
If you had only been together for 2 years he would still be a shit dh and father.

McKayz · 21/12/2012 07:59

Maybe you should take a look at this thread. Shows what a decent husband and father would do.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 21/12/2012 08:06

It isn't ruining christmas, he is only getting back a few days late, if it wasn't for Christmas I wouldn't have been bothered.

I am angry because I had planned things and he has left me to do them alone.

DS is fine, daddy is going to be home soon, that is all that matters to him.

I accept that we come second to his job, it is the life we chose. It won't be forever but what he does is important enough, IMO, that we accept the way it is.

The threat I made was genuine at the time, but misinterpreted, I didn't mean never come home, just that if he wasn't going bother coming back for more than a couple of days there would be no point in coming back at all.

OP posts:
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