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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so cross with DP?

169 replies

WeAreEternal · 19/12/2012 23:38

DP works away. He was supposed to be back tomorrow morning.
He called this morning to tell me that actually he won't be back until Monday probably late afternoon.

It isn't even for work reasons. he doesn't have to stay, he wants to.

I have so much left to do. DS will be so upset. We have everything planned. I need him here.

I listed all of the things that I need him for and he just said "it's fine you can do that on your own though can't you"

The point is that I don't want to and shouldn't have to, I'm not a single parent, I shouldn't have to do everything by my self.

I don't know if I am more cross or upset.

DP thinks I am BU to be cross because I know what his job is like, and he will be back in a few days so "it really doesn't make that much of a difference. HmmSad

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 20/12/2012 12:20

Wow, what a self-centred arsehole! I don't even know where to begin...

He hasn't been home all month, so presumably you've had to do all the Christmas prep & he's also missed out on the exciting build-up with your son. Now he has the opportunity to have a wonderful family weekend right before Christmas and he's choosing to stay away 'til Christmas Eve AND calling you childish for objecting?

Honestly? LTB.

wineandroses · 20/12/2012 12:23

So he's not coming back any earlier then? Well, I know for sure that I wouldn't be there when he got back. Can you afford to go away for Christmas or can you visit relatives?

Or I suppose you can just suck it up, have an almighty row when he comes back and a crap Christmas for everyone. At least if you went away, DS would have a Christmas without arguments.

catsmother · 20/12/2012 12:26

I feel murderous at some of the threads on MN and this is one of them. Am so sorry OP, he's treating you and your son appallingly. Really contemptuously in fact. I'm not really sure what else to say Sad

Oh the irony "don't be childish" .... what a selfish entitled wanker he is.

iloveeverton · 20/12/2012 12:28

YANBU

He's an idiot. My dh works abroad he's upset because he couldn't book a friday flight and can't get home until saturday. He's desperate to see the dc.

I would carry out the threat and not be there when he gets back.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 20/12/2012 12:35

Absolutely unbeleivable. Op he doesn't sound like he cares?!

what does he say when yu tell him his son is missing him? And was counting down the days to today, and is fucking gutted??!!

How can he not see how bang out of order this is? Beyond me.

Badvocsanta · 20/12/2012 12:36

Op...are you sure he isn't have an affair?
Sorry, but he is treating y and your child with such contempt...:(

fuzzpig · 20/12/2012 12:39

There is no way in hell a decent family man would do this. YANBU, obviously. Poor DS :(

Viviennemary · 20/12/2012 12:41

If he doesn't have to stay then he is being very unreasonable to stay longer at this time of year. It's just selfish. If he is doing this often then I'd be very worried and want to know the reason. Hope it is nothing to worry about.

somuchforanindiansummer · 20/12/2012 12:44

"don't be so childish"?

What an utter cunt

Pack his bags

Sidge · 20/12/2012 12:47

What a dickhead.

He needs to get his priorities sorted.

If I were you I wouldn't be there when he got home.

YouCanBe · 20/12/2012 12:50

I would honestly not be home when he gets back. If it is too late to ask a friend or too far to go to relatives, book into a hotel and have a Christmas holiday with your DS.
I too would be questioning who is so important that he needs to spend the weekend before the holidays with them in preference to his family.

wineandroses · 20/12/2012 12:54

Sorry, just have to add one last point. I work away a lot, and I know the impact this has on my family (and on me). There is nothing more important than getting back to them at the end of my trips. If I did what what your H is doing, my DH and DD would be devastated. This lifestyle is a choice that we made as a family, but the quid pro quo is that I make damn sure my time at home is spent with them so that DD in particular knows how much I love her and want to be with her. That is so important for a child's self esteem. She understands why I have to work away; she would not understand if I didn't want to come home. If your H doesn't realise that he is showing his family that he's in no rush to come home, and the impact this has on your relationship and on his son's self-esteem, then he must be incredibly stupid. If he is not stupid, then he is a callous bastard, and if I were you my view of him would be seriously damaged.

Please don't sit and wait for him to come home. If he won't budge, then don't have Christmas with him - he does not deserve it.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 20/12/2012 12:58

YANBU.

I agree with others - take yourself and DS off to family for Christmas, if you can - so he arrives home on Xmas eve to an empty house (with a dodgy boiler and a collapsed wall).

Has he done this sort of thing before?

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 20/12/2012 12:59

I phones him in tears, everything seems to be going wrong today.
He said I am just being silly.
I told him everything everyone on this thread has said, and that I am angry with him, but he doesnt seem to understand.
It is hard enough practically being a single parent with him away all of the time but I don't need to be miserable too.

I told him to have a food think about his priorities and make a decision.
Because i already play second best to his job, I will not come behind anything else.

OP posts:
whois · 20/12/2012 13:03

My god this man is an utter cunt.

My DP used to work abroad and I remember the utter crushing dissapointment when his leave would be canceled/delayed at a few days notice. I'd be so upset and also a little cross with him even tho it obviously wasn't his fault!

If he had ever done that on purpose because he fancied a jolley I don't think I could have continued the relationship.

OP I second or third the suggestion for getting to a relatives or hotel for Xmas and let your 'd'P come home to a cold and empty house. Dick face.

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 13:05

I'd also be somewhere other than home on Monday. I really hope you're OK OP. Hugs all round to you and DS. How old is he, BTW?

frankinsensible · 20/12/2012 13:09

Pretty unforgiveable to tell someone they're being 'silly and 'childish' when they are so obviously upset. You've had nearly a month apart, no reasonable person would think you were asking too much for him to come back as soon as his work is finished.

He's had time for a night out with the 'lads' already and now he needs to focus on his family. How much time will he get off over Christmas?

I wouldn't go rushing off tho' - will only make matters worse for you and give him more excuse to blame you.

wineandroses · 20/12/2012 13:10

So you've had how many calls/texts with him about this and he still thinks you are "silly" and "childish" and still isn't coming back any sooner? Fuck that. There is something seriously wrong here. What on earth can be keeping him there that is worth what he knows will now be a) a crap Christmas because you will be so sad and cross with him b) a sad son who can feel the atmosphere and thinks it might be his fault c) a great big row and d) the chance (though he probably doesn't believe it) that his family may not be there when he gets home? Am now thinking there is more to this than a weekend of drinking with the (young) guys.

My suggestion - no more calls/texts. Just arrange your own Christmas without him.

3rdnparty · 20/12/2012 13:19

sorry this is horrible but you may need to get practical-whose name is the house in? paperwork for banks etc...It may not be sensible to be out of the house if this is a relationship breaker for you...may be better off getting the locks changed Xmas Sad hopefully he's just having a 'moment' and turns up tomorrow or has some amazing reason he isn't sharing but I can't imagine many doing this to their child just before xmas...

catsmother · 20/12/2012 13:20

Have you got any real life support from family and friends ? Cos I really think you ought to arrange Xmas best you can as you want it and leave him out of the equation altogether. Obviously, you're going to need serious words at some point but for DS's sake maybe it'd be better if you could organise to stay away before you potentially have a huge great row.

I disagree that making yourself absent - if that's what you want of course - would make things worse. Maybe that would incite him to call you "childish" again but anyone normal with a sense of family responsibility would see that you were trying to give DS a decent fun Xmas without any lingering unpleasant atmosphere/tears or rows which could occur when he comes back full of himself insisting he's done nothing wrong. It might (though I don't hold out a lot of hope by the sounds of him) just also give him food for thought - he currently seems to see you as a dutiful little wife who'll be there taking care of his child regardless of what he does, and organising Xmas regardless of whether he helps or not. Perhaps (and apologies if this isn't the case) he feels he can be utterly selfish because he's done similar in the past (???) and you've stuck around ? You certainly shouldn't have to tip toe round him and remain at home if you'd prefer to be elsewhere just so as not to "rile" him.

frankinsensible · 20/12/2012 13:29

Think it would be better if he was elsewhere and OP and her ds stay in their home rather than having their lives turned upside-down days before Christmas. She has already told him not to bother coming back if he's not going to come by Saturday so he's had due warning.

catsmother · 20/12/2012 13:34

Well yes, that's true enough - I agree why should she have to uproot herself and her son. But I'd be concerned if he does come back, despite being told to bog off, and has the brass neck to let himself in. OP would then be placed in a very difficult position having to play happy families with him.

Unless she bolts the door against him of course - but I suppose that could have potential for being nasty. It's a horrid situation whatever she does.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 20/12/2012 13:35

DS is 6.

He has not does anything like this before.

I think DP is still bitter because although I chose him knowing what his job is (he has done this since he was 19 and it is all he ever wanted to do) I also chose not to move around with him and follow his job.
I chose stability and a home for me and DS with security fro
my job and a home that DP can come back to. I know that he isn't entirely happy about it, but for 3 years I tried it his way and I was miserable and very lonely.
I think he is still bitter about that.

He comes home as often as he can, and we Skype most nights but this situation isn't ideal.
DS misses his dad and although I happy I am often lonely. It is very had doing all of this alone. And I don't think he understands that.

I'm not going to leave. This is my home. And I'm not going to end our relationship over this, but I think DP seriously needs to reconsider his priorities.

U have spoken to his friend (the one who he was working with who got home yesterday) and apparently he and DP are the only ones who were allowed to go home yesterday, all of the other people he works with have to stay until Sunday/Monday, so his friend thinks he is staying out of solidarity, if that's the right word.

OP posts:
JenaiMathis · 20/12/2012 13:39

frank ordinarily I'd agree, but this is Christmas; wouldn't it be nicer if she's with other people?

My mum and I had plenty of Christmases alone and it was lovely, but ideally the OP could go and spend time with her family or friends for a few days and be looked after.

Then she should go home and kick the wanker out.

JenaiMathis · 20/12/2012 13:41

ah OK, x-posts.

Solidarity and loyalty are admirable but he has been given permission to leave work. His loyalties right now are misplaced.