Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so cross with DP?

169 replies

WeAreEternal · 19/12/2012 23:38

DP works away. He was supposed to be back tomorrow morning.
He called this morning to tell me that actually he won't be back until Monday probably late afternoon.

It isn't even for work reasons. he doesn't have to stay, he wants to.

I have so much left to do. DS will be so upset. We have everything planned. I need him here.

I listed all of the things that I need him for and he just said "it's fine you can do that on your own though can't you"

The point is that I don't want to and shouldn't have to, I'm not a single parent, I shouldn't have to do everything by my self.

I don't know if I am more cross or upset.

DP thinks I am BU to be cross because I know what his job is like, and he will be back in a few days so "it really doesn't make that much of a difference. HmmSad

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2012 13:51

I would consider my marriage over should dh behave like yours.

He seems to think he's a single bloke and has well and truly checked out of family life Sad

Inertia · 20/12/2012 13:58

Sounds as though he's trying to punish you because you don't dance to the tune of him and his job. Really awful for your son though- my children would be heartbroken if their dad didn't turn up when he was supposed to because he was out on the lash with his workmates.

Just do the stuff needed to make sure DS has a good Christmas- make sure you have his presents, and enough food, milk etc to last while shops are shut. Don't bother getting stuff in for a big Christmas dinner, don't bother with presents for DH- and tell him why. He's let you down- and he's saying you're unreasonable because he doesn't want to accept responsibility.

cheekybaubles · 20/12/2012 14:06

His Christmas presents would also be doing a disappearing act. Selfish twat! I would mention divorce a lot (out of earshot of DS obviously).

benbobaggins · 20/12/2012 14:11

OP is your DP in the forces? The solidarity you're talking about is not uncommon but he needs to get his priorities right.

I was engaged to a soldier (DS' dad) and like you chose not to follow him around, we broke up after he decided to put his job before us.

He is currently trying to get back together but I'm not having any of it, I can't play second fiddle to a job especially when there are children in the picture.

Hope he comes to his senses and comes back tomorrow.

wineandroses · 20/12/2012 14:16

Well Op, if you're adamant that you won't leave your home, then Inertia's suggestion re making sure DS has a good Christmas is a decent one, and not worry about any pressies, special food etc for 'D'H.

Sounds like a pretty miserable time for you all though Sad.

If H isn't prepared to change his priorities (and given the short shrift you've had so far on this issue, I'd not be holding my breath), you may need to take more drastic action. The suggestions that you leave your home over Christmas were about giving him the shock/kick up the arse that might make him reconsider.

LaQueen · 20/12/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lubeybooby · 20/12/2012 14:26

What makes you so sure it's not an affair?

Staying away for fuck all reason and treating you with such contempt are massive flashing signs of one.

catsmother · 20/12/2012 14:43

Of course he needs to reconsider his priorities - but how is that going to happen unless he either has an attack of conscience (unlikely) or he gets some sort of wake up call ? Trouble is, if he's inherently selfish and seems to think you are in the wrong for not following him about (wherever that would be) he's not going to see the error of his ways when, regardless of what he does, life still goes on the same as it ever did .....

.... the only thing I can think of is counselling, where a 3rd party might have more success in encouraging him to face up to his responsibilities and consider people other than himself. But if he doesn't think he's done anything wrong I suspect he might also be very resistant to that idea.

You also said you tried "his way" for 3 years but couldn't make it work. That's a pretty fair stab at it IMO and as far as anyone can say without knowing specifics. You say he's bitter because you chose him despite knowing what his job was but presumably you didn't march him up the aisle at gunpoint ? It's also true to say that he chose you despite, by the sounds of it, having a job which isn't ideal for family life and should therefore have been prepared to cut you some slack given the disadvantages that brings to you and your son. You've tried, it didn't work out and so you live apart - but that's not unique - and he certainly shouldn't resent you for that. Or indeed inflict some sort of "punishment" (??) upon you by being such a selfish and lazy arse as he's being right now.

VoiceofUnreason · 20/12/2012 14:55

Unquestionably, he has crossed a line and while I am normally not one for automatically jumping to the "he might be having an affair" scenario, I can see why people have this time. There is no reasonable explanation or excuse for his behaviour. ANY OF IT.

Also unquestionably, while I do understand you might be reluctant to leave the house, under normal circumstances I would agree but this is Christmas. If you are there when he gets back, it will inevitably be a lousy time and that's not fair on your DS. If I knew what your H's credit card details were (if he had one that wasn't a joint account) I'd be finding a very nice hotel and checking into it and giving DS a bit of an exciting adventure. Or even somewhere like CenterParcs if there was a last minute availability.

And then, post-Christmas, return and announce you want a divorce. Seriously, it is clear he won't even discuss his unreasonable behaviour. Either he will be so shocked it will bring him up short and he will sort himself out (if you want him too) or it will bring matters to a head and you split. Personally, I think you're far too good for this sorry excuse.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/12/2012 14:57

Why were he and his friend the ones offered leave? Was it that they are the ones with family commitments? It's all very well having 'solidarity' with your mates but solidarity with your wife and child are more important.

What does he want you to do about DS, who is 6 years old? Lie or tell him that Daddy doesn't want to see him that much? This breaks my heart.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2012 14:57

I am usually a lurker on these boards and never commented.
I have joined as this post has left me cold.
Honestly, his behaviour sounds like someone who is having an affair, I have to agree with some of the others.
Unfortunately, I know!!!
I really hope he comes to his senses and that everything turns out just great for you, I really do!!
If you are going to let him get away with this, then just have a great Christmas together!

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay · 20/12/2012 15:25

My DP is away most weeks and like other posters he goes to great lengths to get back whenever he can.

It does sound weird that he is behaving so out of character and in such an extreme way. Wanting to stay from solidarity is admirable but couldn't he a) explain this and b) discuss rather than dictate?

I too tend to thing something more to it than a whim.

Anyway, he's staying away and you are to some extent sucking it up, but fuming.

At the very least i would present him with a very long to do list on Monday when he arrives home. But then i do tend to excel at passive aggression!

Feel for you.

frankinsensible · 20/12/2012 15:45

You gave up 3 years to follow his job and yet he feels 'bitter' about your decision to stay put and give your Son a stable home life?! He really needs to sort himself out and remind himself that he's so lucky to have a loving partner and Son and a proper home to go to at Christmas.

somuchforanindiansummer · 20/12/2012 16:48

Sorry OP, but you are letting him treat you terribly.

You tell him 'not to come home' - but then say you won't end your relationship over it
He tells you not to be childish, not caring about you, your DS or his responsibilities - and you are letting him
You say you 'won't come second to anything' else - but you are allowing yourself to be.

If you let him treat you like this, he will. It's a simple as that. Respect yourself and make sure he respects you.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 20/12/2012 16:53

Just wondering (and you may not wish to share the line of work he's in) - could he be worried about losing his job? That's the only positive-ish explanation for his behaviour: that he is worried about upcoming job cuts and thinks that making a big display of Putting The Job First is necessary in order not to get the push in the new year?

He's still behaving badly in that, if this is the case, he should at least explain the situation to you, you're his partner, not a baby who needs protecting from harsh reality.

Jux · 20/12/2012 17:03

Go to your family for Xmas. Leave a note on the table telling him how to cook the ready meals you've left for him in the fridge......

Jux · 20/12/2012 17:11

OP, obviously, don't do that ^^ I'm clearly in a very bad mood right now and shouldn't be talking to anyone. Sorry. Blush

Unfit for human consumption, that's me!

FobblyWoof · 20/12/2012 17:11

He sounds like a complete arse

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/12/2012 17:19

I don't know Jux if it wasn't for the DS wanting to see his Dan, that sounds about right.

PickledInAPearTree · 20/12/2012 17:40

Id be tempted to go to my mums.

Op you must be feeling dreadful. I really sympathise with you.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 20/12/2012 17:54

Jux - I thought you were being kind, I wouldn't leave ready meals in the freezer or instructions!

WeAreEternal - what he has done was bad enough, what he has said takes the piss completely :( I'm not sure why you are so emphatic that he's not having an affair (other than not wanting that to be true), but it's certainly what I'd be thinking. Whether he is or not, his behaviour is shit and the way he treats you and talks to you is even worse.

Also, you need to stop making 'DS' the focus here. Although everything you said is fair, true & justified - it's only part of the issue. It is also about how he is treating YOU - his wife. This wouldn't be acceptable, even if you didn't have children.

LookingForwardToMarch · 20/12/2012 17:56

Classic signs of an affair, seen it all before (sigh)

JenaiMathis · 20/12/2012 18:25

The (misplaced in these circumstances) loyalty to colleagues excuse is perfectly feasible in some lines of work.

I don't think it's helpful for posters to keep mentioning affairs.

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2012 18:57

Oh for god's sake, if my colleagues had the right to go home and insisted on staying, I'd think they were mad! Is he claiming to actually be at work when he doesn't have to, or is he saying he's staying for the nights out?

I know it sounds extreme, but I'd consider my marriage over. He would rather not come home to see you, after a month away.

Is he on an oil rig? Are there literally no other women there? If there was even one, I'd say he's having an affair. That kind of truculent attitude and insulting behaviour goes hand in hand with a new affair. In my experience, that is.

ThatBintAgain · 20/12/2012 19:02

Sorry OP, he's being a massive twunt and clearly cares more about having his jollies than he does about his own son. I'd be seriously re-evaluating this relationship. Sorry. Sad

Swipe left for the next trending thread