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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

305 replies

fluffyraggies · 18/12/2012 08:27

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore Blush but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

Xmas ConfusedXmas Grin

OP posts:
ChloesFurball · 18/12/2012 17:18

I will ensure my DS sends thankyou notes, though I will write them (he's only 2) until he learns to write!

BlingLoving · 18/12/2012 17:28

I think acknowledgement is the key thing. It doesn't have to be a letter, but could be a call, text or email. Or, a personal thank you if the gift is given in person.

I think it also depends on the person who sent the gift. I think it's good manners to respond in a way that is pleasant for them. So, elderly relatives will always get a formal card but my parents and in-laws would be happy with an email as long as it has photos attached (they'd probably like a call or Skype best).

I tend to do thank you cards for my own birthday but mostly because I think it's nice to get something in the post. I tend to play that by ear therefore too.

stealthsquiggle · 18/12/2012 17:31

If I have posted something, it is nice to get some sort of acknowledgement yes DB1 I am talking to you, not least because at least I know it got there! I would be quite happy with emails from parent/child (depending on age) or texts.

I am in the "old fashioned" camp, in that I make my DC write Thank you notes for all presents like it or not - relatives get a card with a photo of the DC on, party guests get photos from the party (i.e. of guest DC, not mine, as I can't think that all their classmates' parents have the slightest interest in having a photo of my DC, whereas doting relatives might)

JustFabulous · 18/12/2012 17:34

How can manners be outdated?

My children all have to write thank yous for every birthday and Christmas present and I send them too. BIL/FIL/DH do not. Friend and her children do not but I might get a text. Older people I buy for phone their thanks.

JustFabulous · 18/12/2012 17:36

" which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it."

Did you not send thank yous for gifts that were cheaper/more generic?

NuclearStandoff · 18/12/2012 17:43

I have brought up my children to have good manners, and that includes sending a thankyou letter for a present if the giver is not there in person when they open it.
They usually write a short letter or card, but I think that nowadays email, text or facebook message is OK too - I often text thanks for a meal or party at someone else's house, whereas I used to write a short note.
I think it is an important part of good manners, which should never go out of fashion.

mckenzie · 18/12/2012 18:01

I will be nagging my DCs to write thank you letters for as long as they live under my roof Smile, regardless of cost of item or how much thought they think went into the gift.
I quite like it that my older god children now thank me via text or Facebook - I think it's pretty cool. I'd be upset if i they didnt acknowledge the gift at all.

I've found the best way to get it done in the Mckenzie household is to buy picture post cards or funky notelets. And to write a list when the gifts are being opened and then let them do a few at a time over the next week and then they all get posted at the end.

ivykaty44 · 18/12/2012 18:23

I have two dd's 20 and 14, they have both been told about thank you letters and the merits of writing them.

dd1 doesn't do thank you letters now but dd2 does write thank you letters - for both birthday and Christmas presents. I don't nag or even suggest she writes them, she chooses to do the notes.

People do appreciate notes of thanks for presents and where I work wehn people leave we alway get a note to say thank you for the buffet lunch and present on leaving.

PotteringAlong · 18/12/2012 18:27

I go onto snapfish and make thank you postcards to send from DS and write letters from me. Only polite in my eyes.

crazybutterflylady · 18/12/2012 18:27

It always irked me that my godchildren didn't send thank you cards for any gifts whatsoever. Now I have a DD I send cards from her for everything (she is 18mo) and she will be encouraged/told to do them when she is old enough. I like cards. I think it's nice to get something through the post that isn't junk or a bill.
This year I have bought my god daughters (11 and 8) a craft hamper for Christmas. Included are card blanks and I will suggest politely/obliviously that they use these for their thank you cards :D

ArielTheBahHumbugMermaid · 18/12/2012 18:30

Just to reiterate NO ONE IS SUGGESTING CHILDREN ARE MADE TO WRITE THANK YOU LETTERS IF THEY HAVE DONE SO FACE TO FACE OR OVER THE TELEPHONE.

Sorry for shouting.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 18/12/2012 18:33

I send them, was forced to do as a child but the habit has gotten into me and I always do. My grandparents/family members love it, they always tell me there is no need but I know they appreciate it.

I have to say that I do notice it when I give a gift and there is no thank you card (last 2 weddings I attended spring to mind) which I think is rude. But it doesnt have to be a letter/card in the post, I think it is important to acknowledge the gift in some way, and email/a call is also fine.

ivykaty44 · 18/12/2012 18:47

my dd chooses to write thank you notes to every one that has given her a present, regardless of a face to face thank you - it is just the what she wants to do, I don't see that there is a need but she does.

I wonder what will happen when she has children...?

flowerygirl · 18/12/2012 18:47

I agree JustFabulous, how can good manners be out of date?

I always wrote thank you notes for gifts when I was a kid, my Mum made me the first few times and then I accepted it as what should be done!

If I gave a gift, I would expect a call, text or email nowadays. But it's always nice to get a note in the post!

I went to a wedding earlier this year and still haven't had a thank you for the gift I gave. Really annoys me! Thank yous for wedding gifts should DEFINITELY be in writing, gifts for such an occasion cost a lot more plus the cost of getting to the wedding/accommodation etc!

catgirl1976geesealaying · 18/12/2012 19:13

Not outdated

Basic manners and a necessity IMO

falalalalagirl · 18/12/2012 19:13

Yes, always a card for people who haven't been thanked face to face; I had to do it as a kid and I do it now for my DCs (1 and 4). This year I will make DS make a mark on each card at least!

I actually make a massive point of it in the hopes that one day my SiL and bratty nieces will be shamed into thanking me properly for the presents that we buy for them. DS just gave home-made thank-you cards to everyone who attended his birthday party with photos that we had taken of each kid on the front to make up for the crappy party bags

exoticfruits · 18/12/2012 19:17

I agree JustFabulous, how can good manners be out of date?

Exactly. Just laziness all round-DCs don't want the effort and parents doesn't want the effort of arguing and overseeing it.

SilentMammoth · 18/12/2012 19:53

hand written thank you notes here. I'm a bit shocked people are so laid back about a basic courtesy.

whoopwhoopbib · 18/12/2012 19:54

I will be writing thank you cards on behalf of my 9 month DD because I believe it to be basic manners and I would feel awful if I didn't aknowledge a gift from someone I haven't seen face to face.

However, I have never received one from a friend whose DC's I used to buy for even though she once wrote all over Facebook that she had written and sent all their thank you's and I hadn't seen them to give the gift I had to post it through their door. I did feel a bit Hmm that she hadn't even acknowledged that they had received their gift.

The same thing happened last christmas when I gave the gift to my friend after christmas as they had been ill but I didn't get a text or anything to say they had opened it etc so this year I haven't bothered to buy anything.

Maybe I am just expecting too much??

SilentMammoth · 18/12/2012 20:02

No, I think that is lazy parenting.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 18/12/2012 20:04

Just to reiterate NO ONE IS SUGGESTING CHILDREN ARE MADE TO WRITE THANK YOU LETTERS IF THEY HAVE DONE SO FACE TO FACE OR OVER THE TELEPHONE.

Sorry Blush

For me, a thank you over the telephone or in person should always be followed up with a handwritten note.

Maybe I am just odd Blush

whomovedmychocolate · 18/12/2012 20:06

I think it's really important to start early and make it fun. Let the kids draw a picture (of anything really it doesn't matter) so their artwork can form part of the letter. Don't make them write more than a few sentences. I'd far rather get a two line postcard with a squiggly drawing from a child than an essay!

And I don't care if they do it by email - so long as they do it. It's just rude not to.

But so few people do these days. I think as parents though it's our responsibility to breed citizens not people. :)

LadyIsabellasHollyWreath · 18/12/2012 20:07

I am too - DCs write thankyou letters to DGPs although presents have been handed over face to face. Ditto after birthday parties.

VBisme · 18/12/2012 20:08

Yes we always ask the kids to write thank you notes, it's only polite.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 18/12/2012 20:08

Oh phew!

I'm glad I'm not alone on that Lady