Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

This whole topic drives me barmey! Like you, OP, I had it drummed into me from an early age, and even now at the grand old age of 35, I still write or call to thank people for gifts I've received. Add to that my two DDs and I am thanking a LOT of people for most of the year

Nowadays, my rule is that a face-to-face thank you rules out the need for a later card/phonecall/text.

However, what really irks is that people don't show the same appreciation. My gorgeous niece and nephew rarely offer any thanks so there are times when I genuinely don't know if a gift has been received unless I expressly ask. I also have a friend who moans about thank-yous and ettiquette, but has NEVER once said thank you for any present I've given her or her DCs Finally, my GrandMIL (what's the abbreviation here?!) moans if a thank you isn't received within 30 seconds of a gift being sent, but I'm still waiting on a thank you from her for her b'day present sent in September. She's 91 though, so I will let her off

my family have always done thank you cards - I hated them as a child but now thank my DM for how easy she made it!

We just cut the front off of a christmas card (making sure that it's not the one the thankyouee sent you), draw a line down the middle (on the back obviously...) and magically it becomes a christmassy postcard with minimal space so you don't have to write reams.

Although I did get told off once for "thank you for my two pounds, they were lovely"...

We generally dig out a photo of the DCs looking festive and make a little four-fold card with the picture on the front (MS Publisher is a wonderful tool). They then only need to fill a side of A6, which isn't too intimidating. Plus the people who have sent gifts get a nice picture of the DCs which is generally appreciated. I don't send out pictures with Christmas cards, but I do think that if you've shown enough interest in them to send a gift, you might also like to see what they got up to at Christmas.

Can I give you all a different perspective on this issue?
My ds1 (9) is severely dyslexic.
Asking/expecting him to be able to do this - even last Xmas - would have been ridiculous.
He is doing much better now but I still don't expect him to do it.
I write the few we do send and get he and ds2 (4) to sign them.
He is very grateful for every gift he receives. To assume otherwise on the basis of not receiving a piece of paper is ridiculous.

Bad - sending thank you notes on behalf of children who can't be reasonably expected to write their own, or asking them to phone and say thank you themselves is fine. It is the complete absence of a response that is unfair on the giver.

What piprabbit said. Even a text from the parent saying "thanks so much for the presents, the DCs loved them' is nice.

No response whatsoever, from anyone, means the giver has no idea a) if the present got there, b) if the recipient liked it or not and c), as a poster eloquently put it upthread, "are my presents so crap that they don't even merit a thank you?" I'm going through this at the moment

I still write thank you's and I'm well into my 40's. Thank you for presents, thank you for dinner/tea whatever. My children have always, and always will whilst under my roof write thankyou's. If they moan, I say "so and so spent time thinking about what to get you" and you can spend time writing a quick note. I don't expect a 5 page epistle, just one page of A5 or a notecard acknowleding receipt and perhaps a little other chat is fine, and I don't care if they write pretty much the same to everyone.

At Christmas we don't do thankyou's to people who we receive gifts from face to face (I had to as a child), only for those who we don't see. I am a godmother to a few children and always really appreciate a written thank you, however short or messy, and mutter under my breath when I don't!

Bad - doing that sounds fine to me, it's still a thankyou and he's had to think about it!

I've always sent thank you cards for my presents, and I make sure that my DS's do too. When they little I would set them loose with the paint and glitter and then cut the paintings up and glue them onto cards. They looked like some sort of modern art (or at least, they did to me!) and I'd write thank you for my present in them and get the boys to sign them. Now they're older they have to write either a thank you note or make a card to send. It's not that much bother as they both enjoy making cards.

I like the idea of taking a photo of them opening them and texting a thank you though! I might have to glue the photo to a card though for the older members of the family...

I like expect a thank you for presents when we haven't been there when they are opened. Like others, I send a few gifts (usually cash/cheque) by post and it is annoying when you don't know if they've even arrived. Letter/text/email is fine although I do make my DS write his thank you letters.

And yes, in situations like Bad has described a quick thank you from the parent (as an acknowledgement) is absolutely fine. Its the complete lack of response that I find utterly rude and ungracious.

If I don't get a thank you card I just never bother giving a present again. That sounds awful written down but tis true!

We still do Thank you's to people who have not handed a present over in person (which is most of our family as we are spread around the country). DS has, from a young age, typed Thank You letters on the computer. He got quite adept at writing one letter and just amending it according to the family member. He also had to include a sentence to thank people for his sister's present too, as she is disabled, and can't do it for herself.

Now he is older and new technology is at the forefront, he uses various methods according to the friend/relative. Some he texts, some he messages on Facebook and the rest he generally phones for a quick chat. All my nieces and nephews on DHs side of the family, still do Thank You s one way or another. My brother's 3 children and his wife however have always allowed him to ring and thank us for anything sent, which bugs me really, but at least I know they got their gifts in the post!

I make the DCs handwrite them because it's the only handwriting practice I can motivate myself to make them do all holiday they really need the practice.

When do courtesies become outdated? When they become too much trouble?

I also text to acknowledge receipt as soon as posted presents arrive, which gives me a bit of breathing space as I torture the letters out of DCs.

I don't expect written thank you notes, they are all the same in content (yawn) and make me think that the parent is trying to say more about themselves than the actual child is!

For friends of our parents etc. we will send them if it seems expected. That's a generational thing, they are just naturally old-fashioned. For close family and friends of our age (mid-30s) or thereabouts we just say thank you in person or text/email. Time has moved on, people!

I think Thank you notes are very important .I've taught my children "never miss the opportunity to say Thank you " I'm always getting comments on what polite children they are - a little thing that folks appreciate and remember .

Should say this method has naturally evolved as our friends have started having children about 12 years ago and as we met new friends through school etc. it wasn't a decision we took ourselves...it is just what happens except a few people where we still get thank you cards and are a bit bewildered as to why!

morris saying thank you is important, writing it down is not so important to everyone.

Thank you is always said. Notes are rarely written. We pick up the phone and say thanks in person instead.

The only occasion nowadays where we write a thank you note is if it would be hard to sound joyful about the gift :)

Yes! I tell my kids that unless they get their fingers out and write them I will write them myself telling the sender they dont need gifts/money in future.

It's just good manners to thank someone if they have given you something. I agree that it doesn't have to be an essay, but just an acknowledgment.
I always had to do it as a child and will make my child do it when she is old enough -she is currently 4 weeks old and for all the gifts she received on her birth I got a snapfish photo thank you card and just sent that with a couple of lines. It doesn't have to be a massive chore.

I had never written a thank you note in my life until I was an adult - the concept was completely new to me - all close family lived nearby and thanks were given in person on opening the gift. I've always thanked in some form though - now I'm older and might be sent something by post and not necessarily open a gift in front of the giver I would always phone/email or write depending on who it is and what I think they would expect/appreciate. I'm planning to get the dcs into the habit though...

As a giver I would be happy for thanks to be given in any form - verbal, written or electronic and I wouldn't expect the child to be involved until they were old enough to understand what they were doing & write their own name. It wouldn't worry me if I didn't get a thank you provided I wasn't concerned about something being lost in the post e.g. if a dc has taken a present to a birthday party so I know it has been received I wouldn't personally mind whether I got a thank you or not.

All of my friends' children write thank you letters (or their parents do on their behalf), or they do some modern alternative (an MMS of a young child playing with the present is always lovely to receive). It is important to scknowledge the gift somehow.

My grandma recently died and among her things were every thank you note and letter I had ever sent. I cried buckets, but it made me realise how important they were.
I have always mad sure my dc writes thank you letters.

I think sadly it's dying out in society. I agree with you. Think children should write thank you letters - and personalise them (i.e not send a typed one that is just printed out x number of times!)

Mind you, it's not just kids is it?

I had a baby 6 weeks ago. I've managed to write and post all my thank you cards to say thank you for the lovely gifts we received for our baby.

I attended 2 weddings in the summer and sent a gift for another wedding 8 weeks ago. I haven't received thank you cards from ANY of the brides.

Now correct me if I'm wrong - but surely getting married isn't as life changing as having a baby, and you could find the time to write and post thank you cards?!

p.s my daughter, when she's old enough, will be made to write thank you letters