Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

My nephew is now 16 and has never, ever sent a thank you card or even made a phone call. It has bugged the hell out of me for years. I have always bought him a decent birthday and Christmas present, even when I was totally broke. I didn't even get a thank you text or FB message for the money I sent him as a congratulations for doing so well in his GCSEs.

So, I am tempted not to send anything for Christmas and see what happens...

However, I have noticed that the majority of friends with kids are the same. No thank yous, no acknowledgement of receipt even.

I sometimes wonder if it's me? Do I buy such shit presents that they don't warrant a thank you?!

LulaPalooza, just don't bother this year.

Definitely not outdated. I think it's very bad manners not to at least call or email but it's formal letters/cards for everybody in my family, even if they're there when the present is opened (except for silbings and me/DH, I don't make them give each other or us cards)

27th December after lunch - all seated around the table for the annual torture

Usual the people in my family write thank you letters (not cards) or make phone calls to say thank you because they know it's nice, not because they think people will get "shitty" if they don't. Manners are not an onerous task. It's just a nice thing to do and costs very little.

For me, at any age, the rule of thumb is send a thank you card or make a telephone call (if old enough) to anyone who you didn't see when you opened your birthday or Christmas present.

1. it's a small investment in return for continued presents
2. if nobody else does it, it's seen as even more special
3. you can make it easier by having standard templates (either pads of Thank You notes, like party invites) or being a bit creative with photos. When our son was born, we photographed him with a "Thank You" thought bubble (out of card!) near his head, and sent/gave/emailed that to anyone who gave us gifts.

Why not send a photo with a thank you email if money/time is an issue?

I have never sent a thank you note. I always say thank you at the time, or phone later. But I wouldn't send a formal note.

What is liberating is after 15 years of encouraging the DCs to write thank you notes, you're told when you suggest they write the next set that they've already said thank you, without prompting, usually on Facebook.

It's useful that many great aunts and uncles are friends of the DCs on Facebook - and the opportunity to send a thank you is a nice reminder that the great aunts and uncles are reading what they're up to via Facebook .

I'm with you usual. A thanks in person or by text/phone is not rude in the slightest. I think this is one of those British hyper-politeness things, as growing up all over Canada (ex-army brat) I never once witnessed thank-you notes being sent or received. Then again, we are all heathens out there in the colonies

If I wasn't thanked for a present I would think twice about sending one again. If someone goes to the trouble of buying something that should be acknowledged, I find it quite shocking that people think its acceptable not to thank people.

I think for people you don't see, it's a lovely token.
When I gave birth back in the summer, we received so a many beautiful gifts, even from family who I hadn't seen/spoken to in years. I sat down one afternoon and wrote thank you notes to them all. We always did a children, and it's something I'll encourage DD to do as well.

It is lovely to receive a thankyou when you have put a lot of time and effort into a present. my dcs always write to older relatives and those letters are really appreciated.Texts are ok for smaller presses and less formal friends. Other family members don't do it but that doesn't mean they are right. I rarely get a letter, sometimes I have no idea if the parcel or money has ever arrived. I still send them though.

Very rude not to send thank you note/card/text/email/call.

It's lazy parenting and selfish. If you can't be bothered to sit yor DC down and write a few thank you notes then don't expect people to continue to think of decent gifts for your children.

I remember being chained to the table doing them when I was younger You do get fewer as you get older though, and after twenty-one it's minimal. Actually, I quite like doing them now (but I write letters to quite a few friends anyway).

W.r.t what age to stop nagging, I'm in my twenties, and I'll be amazed if DM doesn't mention it this Christmas!

Saying thank you, yes, I'd expect that. On the phone or by text or email. If gifts were sent by anyone over 70 I'd consider a thank you card.

Why would you send a note when you can thank them immediately???

'it's formal letters/cards for everybody in my family, even if they're there when the present is opened'

You send them even though they were there when it was opened?

Are you the Queen?

Thank you notes became outdated the same way letters have become outdated. "Thank you" should be done, but it does not need to be a note, in person, by phone, by email are all entirely appropriate - and generally preferable as they're much cheaper.

Ours have always sent them for gifts from neighbours/distant relatives/friends.

Any close family members don't get them as the kids will thank them personally.

I don't think I have writing paper in the house.

And I don't write notes to people I have already thanked (though I wouldn't just send a text for that)

So it seems we're at cross purposes.

With skype they can watch the presents being opened.

I wasn't made to do them as a child (thank you's on the phone or my mother would write the letter herself) and kinda wish I had been. I'll start my DD on them (she's 3 1/2) this Christmas, I think.

What do people write? "Thank you for the X, it is Adjective"? A sentence or two on how it's used/played with/helpful? Anything else- it sounds like some people turn them into proper letters (kinda like Christmas cards: growing up, they were Letters. handwritten to every individual, and my mother did NOT like the printed round-robin brag letter to everyone. I was so relieved when I learned that normal people just write "Dear so-and-so" and then signed their names!)

I consider it rude not to send a thankyou of some form.

We do thankyou emails mostly these days and we tend to get them out pronto. We include a xmas photo of the child and often copy and paste large sections of the letter but make other sections more personal. I let the kids dictate and I type if they are finding it hard work. Sometimes we write very silly things and add silly photos. It's mostly quite a laugh and only takes an hour or two in total.