Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

My family have never done thank you cards really. I know they prefer the kids to just phone them and say thank you. Actually some of my fmaily would be annoyed if I'd gone and bought cards to say thank (they'd tell me not to spend my money on that and get the kids some sweets instead). We do send a thank you to a friend of my mum who sends the kids money for Xmas as it's not someone we phone to talk to iykwim.

Dh's family think thank you cards should be written but I refuse to do them since the incident with MIL. After our wedding she wouldn't give us the address of her friend so we could post a thank you card. She insisted we give it to her to 'hand deliver' except what she actually did was took it home, read it, said it wasn't good enough and we should have included our life story and refused to give it to her friend (wasn't much we could do either as she wouldn't give us the address) so I've refused to do any since.

We do get a thank you from our neice & nephew but tbh I'd prefer them to phone and say thank you. We're a long way away from each other and it's not very often they speak on the phone so I tend to find being sent a card is a bit generic iykwim.

You don't need to buy a card! Just a bit of notepaper and an envelope is fine. And not "Thank you for my present. It was very nice" either.

However your MIL sounds truly ghastly.

My two are still young (2 and 4), so I usually write them and get them to sign (or make a scribble in the case of the 2 yo!). When they are old enough I will try to get them to do their own. How successful I'll be remains to be seen, but I think it's fair enough to expect it when they learn to write.

I make DS's thank you notes and he scribbles at the bottom (age 4).

It is so so rude not to get an acknowledgement. I can't understand it.

In your case though I understand your frustration. I personally would carry on sending thank yous because I know it's the right thing to do, regardless of what they think.

I think it's rude not to thank someone for a gift.

If it's opened in front of the giver then a verbal thank you is fine, not opened in front of them then either a quick call, text, email or note works. Surely it's common courtesy?

I send Christmas gifts to all of the children in our family but the gifts only ever get acknowledged by a couple. The others are unlikely to get anything from me next year if I don't hear anything following this year's (carefully chosen and not inexpensive) gifts.

I don't think anyone is suggesting they only give gifts to get thank you cards

This is going to become another wedding list type thread.

And if I'm being completely honest, I don't traipse round the shops looking for some piece of shitty plastic for DH's niece who lives 300 miles away because I like doing it. I do it because it's expected and we'll look bad if we don't.

I wish people would be more honest.

I don't give gifts for thank you cards either usual, but it's nice to know they've actually been received (and perhaps are liked).

im 31 and my mum still gets me to write thank you notes. hated doing it growing up but now i dont mind

i will of course, when i have children, make them send them too.

Handwritten cards here from me DD aged 2. DP's family don't bother at all which I think is incredibly rude TBH. Not old-fashioned, just basic manners - people have spent hard earned money and put time and effort into choosing a gift, only to never hear if they received it - I think it's really ungrateful. Also, even her young and happening godfather loves getting them.

The only kids I buy for at christmas who I don't see open their gifts are my cousin's three (I have lots of cousins with kids but am particularly close to this one). I try quite hard with their gifts, picking things that I think they will like and also that my cousin will like too. However I never even get a text saying they got them which does make me not really want to bother. I used to buy them birthday presents too but I didn't bother this year as again i never even knew if they'd opened them! I don't want a handwritten letter but just a text or FB message from mum to say thanks would be nice...

I get writen thank yous from some nephews and nieces which I really appreciate. Nothing from others. I think it's ok not to do them if the person buying the gift sees you open it and thanks you at the time but otherwise I will write a letter ( older relatives) or send a text/email ( younger ones). I get my kids to do a combinaiton of letters/emails depending on recipient.
My DSD (16) has not thanked anyone for any of her presents for the last 2 years ( including me and her dad). I have told my family not to bother sending her anything anymore.

I was forced to write thank yous, so you'd better believe I will put my own children through the torture too!

Honestly, something as simple as a thank you note can get you a lot of brownie points. I am in so many people's good books this year because I got my wedding thank yous out promptly and put thought into them. I've had quite a few nice comments about it (not to mention remarks like "we went to so and so's wedding and we're still waiting for a card".) People notice who has manners and who doesn't.

I'm with Cozie on page 1. Kids can text all day and all night, so surely they can manage one measly "thank you for the socks/iTunes voucher/carefully chosen book" text to a relative.

It's just good manners. I really hate this attitude of "why should they?" accompanied by pugnacious stance by some mothers (even on MN!) at the merest suggestions that their darlings should be inconvenienced in any way whatsoever.

I don't give gifts to expect a big song and dance made of it. I get thanked when I hand it over and that is enough. Even if I wasn't thanked at all I doubt i'd even notice. I guess you need it if you posted it so you know it arrived.

I am generally a really polite person but I do fail where presents are concerned. I always forget to thank! I feel awkward accepting gifts, I really have no idea why but I just get all awkward and shy. Plus I feel I have to glue a smile on my face and be like 'oh that is SO nice/cute/sweet whatever'. Just forget the thanks sometimes in the moment. I hope nobody notices because I seem happy with it and what not, i'm useless I've never written a thankyou note or whatever, never had one written too me either nor would I expect it..

I always make my DDs do thank you notes, and in their previous school before we moved them it was the done thing, it was expected. But relatives don't seem to appreciate them or return the courtesy - for example, if I send a box of gifts to my cousin she never lets me know if they even received the parcel, let alone says thanks, I don't even want a note, just her to say oh yes great I did receive the parcel next time we speak. I also organised a whip round for a friend and got some really nice store vouchers, again she didn't even acknowledge receipt - in the end I rang up and said hey I was worried they got lost did you get them? and got a grudging thanks. No one else in the whip round received even a thanks when she next saw them.

I have some elderly friends and relatives who do appreciate it, so DDs carry on doing written thanks for their sake.

I really don't like "Well, I don't give gifts to make a song and dance about it" oneupmanship smuggery. Personally, if I have spent time going round the shops, buying a gift, wrapping it, buying a card and writing in it, and posting it, then I think I should be thanked. It's just manners FFS.

There's always MailMerge.
Dear [sender], I wanted to write and say thank you so much for the [gift] you sent. It arrived safely and it was lovely to have a nice surprise to open on Christmas day/ my birthday. Thank you for thinking of me, and I hope you had a great Christmas too.
Lots of love, Recipient xx

I'd be happy with that (with the fields filled in, obviously). Where's the bother?

NBU to be annoyed that others don't bother but don't think it is outdated at all. I'm less fussed on the format but it is nice to receive an acknowledgement that the gift arrived.

I definitely have been a bit miffed when I have sent gifts (all the way back to Australia mind) and not even been told that it has arrived. I had more than 50 to send when my daughter was born, cost me a small fortune in postage! Still least I could do given how generous people were.

We've been pretty hit and miss at doing them tbh, but rest of family seem similarly hit and miss too. I think those of us with DC's know how it can be like getting blood from a stone so there seems to be an un-spoken thank-you letter amnesty
Grandparents do like them though. And obviously it is nice to hear from your DGC's from time to time
Always try to send a note to their friends for birthday pressies - often print a slip with birthday party photo and a few general words on, so they just have to write friends name, sign, and deliver ( which seems challenging enough ! )

I agree with Vlad and her hierarchy.
If the present is opened and thanked for there and then, it's game over.
Anything posted, yes deserves acknowledgement, but not just by formal card. A text will do or an email etc.
I'm over doing them myself.

Often relatives and friends don't see each other for very long periods of time, so a thank you letter/text/email is only polite, especially to older relatives, usualsuspect.