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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We've decided to get married, but...

138 replies

grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:15

I want to keep my last name. Partly because I hate alliterated names, but mainly because I like my last name, and I'm used to it.

I say I'm not sure about changing my name. DP says "you're changing it".

His argument is being one of only two men who can continue his family name. I understand this, but I'm happy for our DCs to have his name, I just want to keep mine.

I know it seems trivial, but it's something we really can't agree on. AIBU to stand my ground over this?

OP posts:
Nevercan · 17/12/2012 21:15

How about double barrel surname?

N0tinmylife · 17/12/2012 21:17

YANBU, surely it is up to you if you change your name or not?

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 17/12/2012 21:17

YANBU

It's you who needs to live your life with whichever name you choose, not him! And all this continuing the family name garbage - how dated! Do you have DCs? If not, who's to say they'll be boys?

Sheena99 · 17/12/2012 21:18

Don't see why he should have a problem with that. We did exactly the same thing, I kept my name, but our children have my husband's name. Your choice I would have thought, it's your name under debate.

SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 21:19

Stand your ground, or at least partly.

I changed my name on my medical notes so when my DC were born they'd be 'Baby DHSurname' and I use my married name on anything to do with my DC so we're a united family unit like that. But otherwise passport, bank stuff, job - all my own name. People are weirdly resistant to it and it bothers them but I just ignore.

Sheena99 · 17/12/2012 21:19

Therefore YANBU.

FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 21:20

YANBU have you suggested he changes his name? Only on of 2 men? Is it really that obscure that noone else in the world has the same name?

Original poster
grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:20

Double barrelling our names won't work, it sounds daft whichever way round we put them. We don't have DCs together, but he'll be adopting mine, which means my son will take his name.

OP posts:
mummydarkling · 17/12/2012 21:20

I kept my name but my 3 DSs will prob keep on DH's family name. My DSis did the same the difference being she was quite rude about BiL's "common" name.....reassure him, you will be fine. Tell him he should be pleased to have a high powered DW with a prof name. Also you can use his name for pushing out DCs and your own for work like me Smile

ceres · 17/12/2012 21:21

YANBU.

it's your name.

how would he respond to you demanding he change his name?

dealbreaker for me - i wouldn't change my name on any account.

SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 21:21

And (although I wouldn't admit this in RL) whenever I meet a woman who has kept her own name after marriage I always feel as though I'm more likely to be mates with her. Not, obviously, that that should influence your choice! Just putting it out there because people can be negative about keeping your name.

AKissIsNotAContract · 17/12/2012 21:21

He can't make you change your name. I'm keeping my name when I marry next year.

ceres · 17/12/2012 21:21

how old is your son and is it your surname he has? why change it?

Original poster
grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:22

Flojo, not exactly, should clarify one of two in his family. And he won't hear of changing his name, for that reason plus my reasons with mine.

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 17/12/2012 21:22

DH was weird about it for ages then gave up. I asked him why he wasn't bothered any more. He said it was because DD has his name and therefore I am the odd one out. He said it with a smile but I know he was worried about DD more than me using his name.

Original poster
grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:23

ceres, DS is two and DP is the closest thing he has to a father. I'm happy for them to share a name :)

OP posts:
McChristmasPants2012 · 17/12/2012 21:23

yanbu if you want to keep your name then keep it.

But why do people get married if they don't want to share the same surname.

xkittyx · 17/12/2012 21:23

Why change your son's name?

FredFredGeorge · 17/12/2012 21:23

His argument is bonkers - if you're happy for your children to have his name... YANBU in any case.

muffinino82 · 17/12/2012 21:25

He told you "you're changing it" Shock

It is not trivial, it smacks of him thinking he can tell you what to do. You're an adult, you don't have to put up with shit like that.

If DP was ever brave stupid controlling enough to say that, I would genuinely reconsider marrying him.
In fact, I'd probably start going by a totally different name and using Mr as a title, just to piss him off.

I see no reason why any children you may have could have your name as a middle name, not double barrelled. Remember, you're the one who has to carry and birth them, so you get most of a 50% say in what they are called.

ChristmasKnackers · 17/12/2012 21:26

FWIW I had my DS1 when not married and I really really hated having a different name to him. Just saying...

ceres · 17/12/2012 21:30

"But why do people get married if they don't want to share the same surname."

you are joking aren't you?

i got married because i love dh and he loves me. because we are totally committed to each other. because it makes things easier legally. and because we thought it was a nice thing to do. he is perfectly happy with his name and i am perfectly happy with mine.

i wasn't given away either - does that mean i am not properly married?!

RyleDup · 17/12/2012 21:30

I kept my name when I got married. I've had my name for so long I couldn't imagine being called something else. And I like my name. Dc have both names. Its sounds quite controlling of your oh to insist you take his name, imo.

LaundryFairy · 17/12/2012 21:30

I kept my name, DS has DH's surname (plus my surname as a middle name). No problem, end of story. And he is the only male to be able to carry on his family name.

I refuse to open any christmas cards addresssed to Mr. & Mrs. DH's Surname. I wouldn't have married him if he had even attempted to force me to change my name.

RyleDup · 17/12/2012 21:31

But why do people get married if they don't want to share the same surname

Having the same name isn't the only reason people get married is it.