We've decided to get married, but...

[grumpyinthemornings]

I want to keep my last name. Partly because I hate alliterated names, but mainly because I like my last name, and I'm used to it.

I say I'm not sure about changing my name. DP says "you're changing it".

His argument is being one of only two men who can continue his family name. I understand this, but I'm happy for our DCs to have his name, I just want to keep mine.

I know it seems trivial, but it's something we really can't agree on. AIBU to stand my ground over this?

YANBU. I didn't change my name when I got married. Why should I? Men don't (generally) change their names when they marry, so why should women?

And let me tell you, if my DH had imperiously declared, "You're changing it," I would have told him exactly where he could get off. Fortunately, he entirely respected my decision to keep my own name.

I stick the labels on the envelopes not the cards. Sorry.

I didn't want to change my name, which DH was fine with (and even if he'd made objections I would have stood my ground!). I'm sure secretly he'd like us to all have the same name, as he's a traditional type, but he respects me so accepted my choice and that's what matters.

Anyway, this Christmas I think we've had only 1 card addressed to us by our individual names - everyone put Mr & Mrs X, which I do not like, or the X Family, which is fine, as collectively including DD that's what we are.

So (rather ramblingly) it seems when you are being addressed in the context of your family life or in relation to your husband, you end up becoming Mrs X anyway.

If you can at least keep hold of your own identity via your passport, bank account etc that's something - but it seems the world assumes you are a Mrs anyway.

I'd always check first if a friend was going to change her name before addressing her as Mrs X on a letter, so am quite surprised to have all these Christmas cards addressed in this way - most of these people can see I haven't name-changed on Facebook, for instance.

No proper answers or solutions I'm afraid, just a rant! Hope you do stick to your guns, OP, I'm glad I did too, even if everyone ignores the lack of name change....

All this modern crap What, that women have a choice in what they do with their own names? Or, heavens, autonomy from their husbands!
If you want to change it, fine, but being told you have to by someone who supposedly loves you? That's not presenting a united front, that's one partner controlling the other. Why the automatic assumption that, if it comes to, the woman should have to change her name just because the man says so? Would it be presenting any less of a united front if they both took her name?

The point is, he thinks he can tell her what to do and that's not on. That's what the big deal is, even if you don't care

It's not trivial, I wouldn't be able to be with a person who failed to grasp why keeping my name was important to me. I abhor the outdated, sexist tradition of women changing their names upon marriage,

If a family wants a common surname, there are other ways around that: hyphenation, using the woman's surname, creating a new one out of a combination of the two, or plucking one from thin air. Yet it's always women changing their surnames, often at their partner's insistance.

The concept of a maiden name is also disturbing, because it subtly insinuates that a woman's name is just a place marker until she gets married and adopts her name. Where's the male equivalent? When will both genders start taking their partners' names in similar proportions?

Either a name is unimportant - then he shouldn't care so much about what you do. Or else a name is symbolic and significant - so you have every right to keep yours. Why does he have the right to be attached to his surname, but he gets offended when you want to keep yours?

Also - relationships don't always work out, as you unfortunately learned after having your DS. I would be very hesitant to give your DS your partner's name, without even including your name as a double barrel, or a middle name.

DH was initially grumpy about the suggestion I didn't take his name. But there was no way I was ever going to take it, firstly because I'd always said I would keep my name as thats who I was and I didn't belong to anyone else and secondly cos my surname is easy and his is a pain in the arse and he has to spell it all the time and I couldn't be doing with that. He came round... but I have to be honest if he had said ""you're changing it" I'd have told him to take a hike and respect me and my reasons for wanting to keep my own name more. Its not petty and trivial to me, its very much about still being a person in my own right not just a lesser half of a couple.

I've no problem with any kids having his name. Both our families have the tradition of using the mothers maiden name as a middle name anyway. Which solves the problem without going double barrelled.

It does however piss me off when things are addressed to Mr and Mrs Smith as thats not my name and I just think its ignorant to ignore my name. Its good for spotting cold callers, as they always call me the wrong name. And it confuses in an official capacity when people know I'm married and call my husband Mr Jones! After the first time he got that, he suddenly got why I was so adamant to keep my own individuality and identity through my name. He struggled with it and didn't like his loss of identity to someone else based purely on our relationship. It doesn't make us any less of a married couple and the suggestion we are it frankly utter bollocks.

Its all about control and ownership and women traditionally having a lesser role to a man in a relationship; I fail to see how rejecting that is therefore 'modern crap' - just overdue progress.

Ask a man to change his name when you get married and see the reaction you get. Why is that? Why is it so important to men? Its important. Never expect anyone else to do something, you wouldn't be prepared to do yourself.

Should read: The concept of a maiden name is also disturbing, because it subtly insinuates that a woman's name is just a place marker until she gets married and adopts her husband's name.

Please ease up a bit OP? Adoption? When you've only known this guy 2 years?

Often things change when marriage comes into the equation. I don't like his telling you to change you name. It shouldn't matter. This man should understand your situation better.

Slow down, cool things off and keep the same name as your son.

This man is NOT his dad, nor is he your master. See how things go, get married if you are happy to do so, but wait until you are really sure of him before giving him your son.

Hisstletoe (love the name btw), I haven't only known him two years. Knowing and official relationship status aren't the same thing. I'm completely sure of him, I just don't want to give up my name...

I think this is one of those discussions that only happens in Mumsnet-land. Of all the people I know only 2 women have kept their name post marriage. I don't think the responses here are representative.

Just saying.

I kept my surname as a middle name.

And all my friends have since copied me ;)

Seemed to me like the best solution: if you're against taking a man's surname, then surely you're only one step away from rejecting the whole marriage thing (what with its view of the woman as the chattel and all that..).

And are you sure you won't want the same surname as your children? That's a big deal to me.

Just what fenix says, and very well put. I have had a few rows with DP over this. He says its 'tradition and its worked for centuries, why change it'. Er, because its not what I want. We rowed because he assumed, he never asked what I thought

At least, I suppose, women say its a choice (one that men rarely make) but why children get given the father's name, is beyond me. Its a throwback to when women and children were literally, the property of men. Time and time again I see who I thought were independent minded women taking their husband's name and the Dc get given his name, with some romantic notion attached.

YANBU.

if you're against taking a man's surname, then surely you're only one step away from rejecting the whole marriage thing

Er what? How is choosing to keep your name, especially if its important to you because no one else in the family will pass it on, rejecting marriage? Marriage is about a whole host of reasons. It is certainly not defined by having the same name. If it is, then I see that as actually a problem rather than something to aspire to.

In my case it means my family name will last a little longer, even if any kids I have, don't have it. The two males of my generation with the family name will not have children for various reasons.

I don't see why it is important to have the same name as my children, as I would be happy to show, just how important it is to have connections to your family but also to be confident and proud of your identity in your own right without having to be defined by your family.

And it always comes back to, why the fuck can't the man change his name, if its really that important to the fabric of a marriage?

if you're against taking a man's surname, then surely you're only one step away from rejecting the whole marriage thing

PS go to Italy or Iceland amongst many other countries with differing naming traditions and say that.

Its bollocks.

The only thing I remember from my O level history class in the early 80s is this. That in Scotland it was not traditional for a woman to take her husband's name. We only began this modern crap as we became more anglicised

I'm seeing red flags here, OP. The "you're changing it" is really worrying, like you're a child who he is sick of arguing with about having more sweets. He sounds like he thinks he owns you and marrying just seals that further. Despite being a SAHM myself, this also worries me, especially as you talk about struggling to maintain your identity as it is. Sounds like he's already got a dynamic working between you both where he calls the shots and whatever you want doesn't even get to be discussed. Not the best start to married life.

I personally couldn't respect a man who was fussed about this sort of sexist shit, let alone marry him. Everyone knows it's a practice that stems from women essentially or literally being sold by their father to another family, and you can gussy that up as romance if you want to kid yourself, ladies, but it is still borne of extreme misogyny. In fact, any man who truly views his partner as his equal would not want her to change her name to his (like my DH). It is legally a way of identifying yourself as someone else's property. Tradition can go bollocks.

OP, does he want you to be his equal partner in an equal relationship or does he just want some automaton to carry on his family name for him? Is the name more important than you, a living person?!

FWIW, no-one actually legally changes their name if they adopt their partner's surname upon marrying. In the UK, you are allowed to adopt a name other than your own and use that legally, BUT your name is still actually what it was when your birth was registered. So every married woman who changes her surname is only using an assumed name, unless she actually changed it by deed poll.

fenix just excellent

what I don't get is why my usually very liberal mother gets upset about it and yet conservative traditional dad is pleased as punch I don't want to change. Marriage and name changing is a funny emotional thing for some and just not a problem for others

I too agree with Fenix.
I would tell him that you are keeping your own name.
I am also confused as to why you would change your dcs name from that of your own.
Personally I would not do this. Why should you be the odd one out?

tell him that the fact he cares so much about it has made you start thinking about the importance of names and now you're not sure you're happy about your future dcs not having you surname..

I kept my name when I got married and it barely registered with DH, I don't think he cared either way. I chose to keep it just because I have a DS from a previous relationship, like you, and I didn't want to have a different name to DS, but it also wasn't fair to expect DS to change his name as well. DS is older than yours so he is very used to his own name. But I think in general, it's best not to change a child's name. Even at a young age it can be confusing for them, this is something that adoption social workers acknowledge.

If I didn't have DS, I'd probably have been fine with changing my name to DH's, especially if we planned to have dc of our own, because it probably is a bit easier to have the same family name.

I find it weird though that your DP is making such an issue about it and trying to assert control over the decision - he really has no authority to do so.

'You're changing it'

That isn't the sort of response I'd be happy with, on ANY level or under ANY circumstances, from someone who was about to be adopting my child.

No matter how well I knew them.

I kept mine. DH would have preferred me to change it but he always knew I didn't want to. My name is my identity and I was not giving up my identity on marriage, but making a promise that me and my DH would be a family and a team. I wear a wedding ring, I talk about 'my husband' readily - why should I have to change part of myself when I am perfectly willing to publicly demonstrate that I am married?

It's your choice. Do what you want. I probably agree with TigressWoods that Mumsnet is not necessarily a reflection of the majority of the population, but who cares? Make the decision that is right for you.

My DS also has my husband's (his father's) name and I was fine with that. I just didn't want to give up my own identity and there was no reason for me to do so.

Have you pointed out that you will be no less married with different names or that having the same surname doesn't make you more married? (Same difference). You'll still be married! Alternatively, find a surname you both like and change to that!

I didn't change my name. I love my name I have always said I would never change it.

DS has my name, DP and I argued discussed it at great length and I won we decided that DS should have my name.
I'm probably going to massively out myself to anyone that knows me now,
As a compromise DS is first name is DP's surname.
It makes a good first name but not a very good surname. IMO.

Why the big fuss about a name? No one truly has their own name unless they made up a name and changed it by deed poll. At the moment you have your fathers name and will you really be a different person and lose your identity if you take your husbands name?

What if this is a deal breaker for him and he says no name, no marriage. Do you really put a few letters strung together before him?

There is no reason why you should change your name bar the fact that he wants you to. Only you can decide if that is a good enough reason for you and if you are willing to forgo marriage if he decides it is that important to him.