We've decided to get married, but...

[grumpyinthemornings]

I want to keep my last name. Partly because I hate alliterated names, but mainly because I like my last name, and I'm used to it.

I say I'm not sure about changing my name. DP says "you're changing it".

His argument is being one of only two men who can continue his family name. I understand this, but I'm happy for our DCs to have his name, I just want to keep mine.

I know it seems trivial, but it's something we really can't agree on. AIBU to stand my ground over this?

*"Why the big fuss about a name? No one truly has their own name unless they made up a name and changed it by deed poll. At the moment you have your fathers name and will you really be a different person and lose your identity if you take your husbands name?"

this ridiculous argument comes up regularly in name discussions.

my name is MINE. it is the name i was given at birth and it doesn't matter whether it came from my father, mother or whether it was invented. it was given to me and it became mine.*

Spot on Ceres. It's such an utterly absurdly illogical argument that it makes me want to bang my head on the desk and despair for humankind.

If we're using the notion that it's your father's name... then it's not really his name either, since he got it from your grandfather...see how it gets complicated?

That's not really the point though. Yes it's your name, but you still have that name because it's a man's name.*

It DOESN'T MATTER. FFS. The issue is NOT whether it's a man's name or a woman's name or even a flying reindeer's name. The issue is that the woman HAS HAD THAT NAME FROM BIRTH AND SO IT IS HER NAME.

bangs head on desk

bangs again

I am named after my mother AND my father. My middle name is a variation of my mum's first name. So to erase my surname would be to erase my father.

So I really don't think it is as straightforward as just having my father's name.

My name is my name. Although I am named after both parents, I don't have the same full name as them. Just bits of theirs.

Dh made noises about me changing my name too - I laughed at him and told him he could always change his name to mine and that was the end of that conversation It felt all sorts of wrong to change my name and I am a Ms as well.

When ds was born he had dh's name.

I changed mine because I was all excited to be married and I wanted everyone else to know it, but now it just makes me feel old when people call me 'Mrs' and still doesn't feel like my name 2 years later.

Passport still in my old name though. Too expensive to change.

You can bang your head all you like Samandi, the point still stands, I used to think I was ok with my daughter taking my husband's name, I don't think I am anymore, my husband's name, her husband's name, my mother's husband's name, her mother's husband's name - IT'S NOT YOUR NAME, it's not your name, it's the name of all the MEN that came before you.

It's their name. As a woman, it's only your name until you become married & then it's your ne, it ain't & never has been - YOUR NAME.

Unless you're a bloke. Then it's YOUR name.

Which is pretty shit really.

& even though I like to think it's my name, my children have my husband's name, they'll never have MY name, because it's not my name, it's my father's.

I presume you have bio dad's permission for adoption if he is on the birth certificate? Even if he is not around you will need his permission. Also, you will have to give up PR and adopt your son together, that's how it works. Applying for parental responsibility is a much easier task and less intrusive.

Justreadthefuckingwords, own your name and own your choices. If you can't truly see it as your name, and it bothers you intolerably, then nothing is stopping you from picking a new surname and changing it to whatever you please.

Well I don't really like my first name and someone gave me that! (Mom and Dad run out of ideas by then)

Where do names come from? Why do we need them?

Fenix, I love my name & I do own my name & my choices, unfortunately I don't own thousands of years of patriarchy. Not much I can do about that one. I will give my daughter the option to take my name when she's old enough, I imagine it will go down like a shit in a sauna with DH, as did me keeping 'my' name. FWIW even my father addresses me as Mrs DH even though I persist in calling myself Ms JRTFW, it's an uphill slog.

The man that 'owns' my name doesn't even let me have it - it's a fucker.

Fenix why do almost no men change theirs?

It's simply a cultural matter, and refers to lineage rather than power and control. Most cultures are patrilineal rather than matrilineal, but it is possible to have a matrilineal patriarchy (I know that in many South American countries the mother's surname is widely used, and some Indian cultures pursue the tradition).

You could argue that the move to a patrilineal society was the first step forward for women's rights, as it meant that a man's wife had greater claim to his loyalty (and inheritance) than his mother. Before paternity was understood, most societies were matrilineal, but not necessarily matriarchal.

I suppose it all depends on how strongly you link your name with your identity. You don't become a different person if you take your husband's name, nor do you become his possession. It's rather the creation of a new family group in a patrilineal culture.

Similarly, I don't feel I have become a different person simply because I have taken my daughter's name. My daughter was given her father's surname name at birth for reasons of tradition and paternity - just as I was, and my mother was.

One thing is certain - if you feel very strongly about it (like you and OP, and unlike me) and so does your husband-to-be, one of you needs to be able to compromise with good grace!

I'm in my 50s and amongst all my family, friends and their children and grandchildren I've never known anyone to give their children the mother's surname. In fact I've only ever come across one instance that I can remember of a man taking the woman's surname on marriage - and that was because she was a descendant of William Shakespeare (the Conservative commentator Stefan Shakespeare).

I also know of only one man who took his wife's name and only because he didn't like it. Sounded like something rude.

Getting married is rare in my family, with the exception of my Nan and Grandad. My mum is divorced and still uses her ex h surname, as does my divorced sister. So my sister, her dp and their daughter all have different surnames. Does it make them less of a family? No.

Personally I wouldn't take my dps name because I would literally become my MIL (same first name)

Slightly off topic but I had a dream that me and dp had a baby and because of naming rules the baby had to have all the surnames of our other children so it was called 'baby my surname, ex surname, dp's ex surname, dp's surname'! Poor child!

YANBU to want to keep your name hit I understand yours DPs point aswell, my DP has the same thought as your DP but I agree with him so I would change mine and I would like our whole family to have the same surname

I know one family who all just chose a name they liked and changed it by deed poll.

I don't see the problem with addressing mail, if my friend/cousin/colleague is Jane Smith, living with John Jones, kids Smith-Jones, Robinson-Smith or whatever, envelope gets addressed to "Jane Smith and family". No problemo.

My mum remarried when I was at primary school, we haven't shared a surname in over 30 years. Never had a problem with it.

My kids are nearly teenagers. We don't share a surname. Never been an issue. If people call me Mrs kids name I say actually it's Ms my name. Again, never been an issue, not at the doctors, at school, at airports, nothing, nada.

*You can bang your head all you like Samandi, the point still stands, I used to think I was ok with my daughter taking my husband's name, I don't think I am anymore, my husband's name, her husband's name, my mother's husband's name, her mother's husband's name - IT'S NOT YOUR NAME, it's not your name, it's the name of all the MEN that came before you.

It's their name. As a woman, it's only your name until you become married & then it's your ne, it ain't & never has been - YOUR NAME.

Unless you're a bloke. Then it's YOUR name.*

That's simply not true today though.

bands head again

:-)

Honestly, this is a very odd way of seeing things. I suppose if you have a problem with men and a history of abusive relationships or something I could get my head round it a bit. But I, and the many other women who think like me, simply don't have a problem with sharing the same name as our fathers, grandfathers etc. Why would I? I love my father.

My DH has always said, long before me, according to his friends, that he wouldn't be in a relationship, much less marry a woman who would want to change her name to his. Why would someone want to subsume their identity to his via a tradition that started off as treating women as chattel? We double-barrelled ours once we had DS, so we all had the same surname and we are lucky that they work well together, because we'd still have done it even if they sounded clunky!

Surely Samandi that argument on your last sentence works in marriage too. I took dh surname when we got married, "why would I have a problem with it? I love my dh."

I am quite content to be known by his surname, I am still the same person I was before. Me, my personality and my stamp on the world are inside me not defined by my name. Also I like being a Mrs as well as having same name as dc.

My sister is currently pregnant with her first child. She kept her surname when she married her husband and the child will also have our surname (I am not married).

I will never change my surname and I don't think my other sisters are planning on changing theirs, either. I find it odd that people say 'It's traditional' as just because things are traditional, doesn't make them right. It was 'tradition' to have slaves, to put children up chimneys, to not let women have the vote - these 'traditions' are no longer considered acceptable. In regards to changing your surname, I think it's great that we have the choice and feel it's sad when people feel they should force their opinion onto that choice (like when my sisters IL's send her things addressed to 'Mrs )

I also find it odd that some men are so offended at the idea of changing their surname to their wives. After all, if they pull the silly 'We should have the same family name', there's nothing wrong with them changing THEIR surname to their wives, is there? Yet sadly this doesn't seem to happen very often and some women seem to feel 'obliged' to change their surname, even when they don't want to as they don't want to 'offend' their husband.

DP and I have been together 19 years, we have 4 DC who all have his surname. We will get married one day but I feel weird about changing my name now, I've had it for 37 years.

I do admit to feeling a bit at school when my name is next to the DCs. If we were married I could just say I kept my own name but it just draws attention to our unmarried status ok I'm not the only one and usually I'm fine with it but now the DCs are school age it's a bit weird.

DP would never tell me to change it though.

My mum did this, and the main reason why she claims to have done it is that it was too much hassle to change her name on all official documents. They split up 8 years later, and dad took it as a sign that she never planned to stay with him anyway. I have dad's surname so it was sometimes confusing for teachers etc. (and this was only 15 years ago!)

Can't you keep your surname as a middle name? My grandmother did this with one half of her maiden surname due to a mix-up at the registry office!

I was talking about this thread to my fiance last night as my name has come up in conversation lately and he was quite up for the idea of coming up with a totally new name for both of us. I was keen until he suggested we have a name from the Hobbit. I am not becoming Whereare Oakenshield, which was the more sensible of his ideas.

For the record, although I think secretly he would like me to take his name, he understands my reasons for not wanting to. I agree with the others who have said that the manner in which he told you you were changing your name, like it or not gives cause for concern.

It would bother me a lot that he said 'you're changing it' rather than, say, 'I'd really like if you changed your name, would you consider it?' Does he often order you about like that?

I didn't change my name, it never occurred to me that I would tbh, as I've never seen the point of it. DH did ask me whether I wanted to (and I asked him the same question), more out of curiosity than anything though.