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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We've decided to get married, but...

138 replies

grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:15

I want to keep my last name. Partly because I hate alliterated names, but mainly because I like my last name, and I'm used to it.

I say I'm not sure about changing my name. DP says "you're changing it".

His argument is being one of only two men who can continue his family name. I understand this, but I'm happy for our DCs to have his name, I just want to keep mine.

I know it seems trivial, but it's something we really can't agree on. AIBU to stand my ground over this?

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 18/12/2012 00:39

I'm keeping my name. I'd prefer my partner to take my name but he is literally known by his surname (eg, if his name was David Mackenzie everyone knows him as Mackenzie or Mac) so it's even more his identity than most people's surnames! I would never dream of telling him he had to take any name. At the end of the day its his choice, not mine.

And we would be no less married than if I took his name Hmm Bloody weirdos!

olgaga · 18/12/2012 00:40

I kept my name. I can't imagine what I would have said if my DH had turned around and said "you're changing it" but I don't think there would have been a wedding!

However, I was pushing 40 when I got married, and once you own property etc it's not exactly straightforward.

Then when I had my DD I wanted to have the same name as her. It did make life easier re medical stuff, travel, school etc. So I have now changed my name for most things, but I still keep my own name for work.

I think I will eventually change it completely, it does become a bit of a pain having two names! I'm not that fussed about the feminist aspect of it, it was more for practical reasons - if it's your dad's name, it's a man's name after all.

Ironically, at work (as I work with different people all the time) I have become "Mrs MaidenName" no doubt thanks to the wedding ring and my (ahem) mature years.

After 20 or so years I just can't be arsed correcting people any more. Call me anything you like, but don't call me late for dinner.

StuntGirl · 18/12/2012 00:41

Yes but spel, by that same logic does he really want to put a few letters before her name ahead of marriage? Is he willing to forego the marriage if its that important to her? It works both ways.

cantspel · 18/12/2012 00:45

Yes it works both ways and if that is the case then maybe it would be better for both to forget about marriage as they clearly have different views that cant be reconciled.

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 18/12/2012 00:46

cantspel If it's making a 'big fuss' to be bothered about changing a name then why should the prospective DH make a fuss? Surely it it's just a triviality it's no problem if she doesn't change?

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 18/12/2012 00:48

Also what does it say about the man if he puts 'a few letters' before wanting someone to be his wife and lifelong partner? Cuts both ways.

RyleDup · 18/12/2012 00:50

Call me anything you like, but don't call me late for dinner.

Grin
cantspel · 18/12/2012 00:54

so if it is a deal breaker for both of them they shouldn't be thinking about marriage as clearly they both have different view points and if you cant agree about something as simple as a name then you sure as hell are never going to be able to make the compromises needed to make a marriage work.

echt · 18/12/2012 04:54

It's not trivial, OP. It's important to you and it's YOUR name. Your DP's dictatorial manner is Hmm and a red flag.

Justreadthefuckingwords · 18/12/2012 05:19

I kept my name & will never change. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

It may have gone down better if I'd told DH before signing the register - it was at that point I decided, 'fuck it, no' & signed in my maiden name. In retrospect, it's my father's name & even if I'd taken my mother's name - that's her father's name.

I'm all for a matriarchal line really, but how far back do I actually have to go to know what that name was?

It's a bit of a bugger, start from here & carry on I say.

Stand your ground - I'm keeping the name I was born with - I love it - it's me - I ain't changing.

FellatioNelson · 18/12/2012 05:27

I'm not sure I'd be wanting to marry a man who says 'You're changing it.' Hmm

The children can still have his name, so I'm not sure what he's on about re: carrying on the name. That's all bait bollocks anyway - unless he's royalty I can't see that it matters.

FellatioNelson · 18/12/2012 05:27

bit not bait.

CheerfulYank · 18/12/2012 05:28

I changed mine, but if it's important to you I think you should keep it. :)

The whole "addressing cards" thing is hard for me though...my favorite is my best friend's mother, who has a blend of several different families and I have to write 4 surnames, or leave people out. :)

fenix · 18/12/2012 06:08

Justreadthefuckingwords, it's your name. Shared with your father, but you've had it since you entered this world, how is it not your name first and foremost?

If we're using the notion that it's your father's name... then it's not really his name either, since he got it from your grandfather... but it can't be the grandfather's name either, since he got it from your great-grandfather... see how it gets complicated? It's either everybody's name as wholly theirs, or nobody's 'real' name!

HazleNutt · 18/12/2012 07:07

"At the moment you have your fathers name and will you really be a different person and lose your identity if you take your husbands name?"

How come husband's name is his, but hers is just her father's and not really her own at all?

HisstletoeAndWhine · 18/12/2012 07:23

OP, you've been official for 2 years. Same issue. Bet you didn't see him demanding you do as your told back then did you?

This is a red flag. A big one.

I'm not saying he is, but you need to know that it takes on average 2 years for controlling people to start to show their colours. When there is a marriage, when they thing the 'deal is done' or when you have a child (vulnerable) these are the times that abusive behaviour shows itself.

I was sure of My ex too. What followed was 10 years of hell. Slow up. See this as a red flag issue, hold off on having this man adopt your son.
Tread carefully.

In 2yrs of a relationship, you still might not know him.

If he's unprepared to hear you, demanding you do as he says without discussion or sonsideration for you, or for your son, then tbh, you NEED to take a breath and stand up for what's important to you.

This could be a power play on his part.

I'm not saying he is, but this is exactly when and how Abusive Relationships can start. Be on Amber alert, watch and observe.

Don't trust ANYONE blindly. Trust Them with full knowledge of them. I don't think you have that understanding of him. This has surprised you. There could be more.

HollyBerryBush · 18/12/2012 07:24

Why can't you have a private name (ie his, for your social/everyday life), and a professional name (ie yours for work related stuff) that works for most people

ceres · 18/12/2012 07:43

"Why the big fuss about a name? No one truly has their own name unless they made up a name and changed it by deed poll. At the moment you have your fathers name and will you really be a different person and lose your identity if you take your husbands name?"

this ridiculous argument comes up regularly in name discussions.

my name is MINE. it is the name i was given at birth and it doesn't matter whether it came from my father, mother or whether it was invented. it was given to me and it became mine.

and yes, my name is a significant part of my identity. i am my name and if i took someone elses (man, woman, whatever) name then yes, i would feel that my identity was being undermined.

i think changing your name is a very odd thing to do. if people want to do it then that's their choice. but i still think it's odd.

"I think this is one of those discussions that only happens in Mumsnet-land. Of all the people I know only 2 women have kept their name post marriage. I don't think the responses here are representative"

i think people tend to be friends with those with similar views/outlooks on life. i know quite a few women who have not changed their name on marriage. i know many more who had an issue with it but in the end gave in to presssure and changed.

where i work most women use their name for work and their husband's name outside. again, i think that is odd but each to their own.

olgaga · 18/12/2012 07:43

If we're using the notion that it's your father's name... then it's not really his name either, since he got it from your grandfather...see how it gets complicated?

That's not really the point though. Yes it's your name, but you still have that name because it's a man's name.

So what difference does it make whether it's your dad's or your DH's? You have been given, or you take, a man's name.

The only way you can get around that is if you do what a feminist friend of my mum's did back in the 70s. She changed her surname after she divorced - to Egg!

Agree with Cheerful about it being a pain in the neck addressing stuff to blended families. My brothers new W has taken his name, but her children have a double-barrelled name combining her former name, and her ex's name.

olgaga · 18/12/2012 07:48

For me the more interesting question is why wouldn't you choose to have the same name as your children?

Exercising that choice was far more important to me than hanging on to the man's name I had been given.

misterwife · 18/12/2012 07:51

If your DCs are going to take his name then his argument is redundant. YANBU.

Thisisaeuphemism · 18/12/2012 07:57

Oh grumpy, I sympathise. DH and I had very differing views on this. I couldn't back down on something I felt so strongly about tho - so wouldn't change name.
We married and it still irks him but plenty of things he does irk me so it's all good! I feel i made the right decision.

fenix · 18/12/2012 08:01

No, olgaga, the point is that it's your name. One you've used and owned your entire life.

You have your surname because it's the one your parents bestowed upon you. (And fortunately, it's becoming more common for women to give their children their names, so not everyone is automatically given the patriarch's name).

Your name was on your birth certificate, your class register, on every school prize or extracurricular certificate. The name was on your party invitations, birthday mail, your teenage bank account, your first drivers' licence, your university assignments and your tax return. It's yours in a way your husband's surname could never be.

Now that women are no longer legally deemed chattel, why do so many women persist with writing over their former identity upon marriage? Or hell, change your name, fine. But ask yourself the question: why do almost no men change theirs?

Justreadthefuckingwords · 18/12/2012 08:17

Agreeing with Fenix & Olgaga both, it;s my name, but, it's a man's name & always has been, whichever way you look at it.

I have always thought a matrilineal society makes more sense, as a wise rabbi once said, 'We always know who the mother is, who the father is, is between you & your God.'

samandi · 18/12/2012 08:19

I wouldn't be marrying anyone who said "you're changing it". I won't be changing mine and if it were hypothetically a problem we wouldn't get married.