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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We've decided to get married, but...

138 replies

grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:15

I want to keep my last name. Partly because I hate alliterated names, but mainly because I like my last name, and I'm used to it.

I say I'm not sure about changing my name. DP says "you're changing it".

His argument is being one of only two men who can continue his family name. I understand this, but I'm happy for our DCs to have his name, I just want to keep mine.

I know it seems trivial, but it's something we really can't agree on. AIBU to stand my ground over this?

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 17/12/2012 21:32

You say it's trivial, but it's not really is it? What you call something is important, and what you are called is a part of your identity.

YANBU to stand your ground. He is putting is own (rather odd) priorities ahead of yours. You need to make it clear that your own wishes are just as important as his.

And do your DC get any say in what name they have? Why does he get to unilaterally "label" your son, just so he can carry on his "family name"?

hatgirl · 17/12/2012 21:33

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hello fellow companion in this particular argument!

I love my last name, it is an unusual name nationally (although I share it with a popular young actor and because it is unusual I am constantly asked if I am related to them) but locally in our rural/urban farming community it is a very 'local' recognisable name. My DP has a very ordinary surname. Not Smith but close enough. All my life I have enjoyed people hearing my name and instantly asking oh are you related to such and such (9 times out of 10 I am). I can't bear the thought of being plain old 'Mrs ....' with no discernable identity due to the commonality of his name. Unfortunately he is equally protective of his surname being the only male surviving member of his family. Both our names are too long and alliterative to go double barrel - it would just be silly (both surnames are 8 letters long). We have to choose one or the other and we can't. The answer so far has just been just not to get married (DP says what is the point if I am not going to change my name anyway!!) but it is causing problems in the family on both sides. Neither of us are happy having separate names but neither would either of us be happy to give our own names up. Ohhhh first world problems and all that.

Whether I keep my own name or take his my name it will still be alliterated so that is not a problem as such.

ceres · 17/12/2012 21:33

op - presumably your son already shares a name with you. however if you want to change his name that's your choice. it's also your choice whether to change your name or not. do what's right for you.

EdithWeston · 17/12/2012 21:37

Stand your ground. If the transmission of the surname is his only reason, and you have said you are happy for any future DCs to bear it, then HIBU.

Any way to fudge the middle ground a bit? I kept my name for all legal documents and it is the name I'm generally known as. But I don't mind being Mrs DH if it crops up socially (even though it does sometimes make me feel as if I've morphed into my MIL!).

XiCi · 17/12/2012 21:37

I also kept my own name and dd has my dh surname and mine as a middle name. DH didnt mind me keeping my own name at all and I agree with other posters that I wouldnt be marrying someone that thought they could impose that on me.
It seems its only men that view women as becoming their property on marriage that insist on the name thing and thats not the sort of person I could be in a relationship with. Why should you change your name, OP? Why is his name any more important than yours?
I dont get why anyone would change their name unless they had a shocking one they had been dying to get rid of for years

drcrab · 17/12/2012 21:38

Erm I would take issue with the ordering you to change your name! I've kept my name at work (dr crab) but am mrs dh's surname at the dc's school and at the dr's surgery.

My DS knows that I am dr crab and that his grandparents are grandad and grandma crab. He also calls me mummy dh's surname which is also his surname. He's 4 and gets it!!

AtiaoftheJulii · 17/12/2012 21:38

SundaeGirl me too, lol!

OP - he's being a bit daft if your ds is going to have his surname - that seems like it will be carried on perfectly well :-) Sometimes people just have kneejerk reactions to things when they haven't thought about them before, just made assumptions. I'm sure he'll calm down and realise it doesn't actually reflect badly on his manhood! And of course if he doesn't, leave the bastard ;-)

beckyboo232 · 17/12/2012 21:39

I kept my name and the children have mine too. Dh is fine with this I felt very strongly, he didnt. And my part of the compromise was marrying him Grin which he felt strongly about. Compromise is the key.

Original poster
grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:39

DC too young to really understand the whole surname/identity thing, and I'm happy for them to take his name (adoption mostly to give him parental rights if something happened to me). He's normally very relaxed about differing opinions, it's why we work so well together. I'm just sick of trying to work this out by myself, so turned to the collective wisdom of Mumsnet :)

OP posts:
Flicktheswitch · 17/12/2012 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wherearemysocka · 17/12/2012 21:41

I am astonished that there are people out there who feel they have the right to tell others what their names should be. If there is anything in the world that is your business above anyone else's, then it is that.

And what's with the idea of changing your name being the most important part of a marriage? Does that mean nobody in Spain, Quebec, China etc has a happy marriage? It is a tradition, one which (thank goodness, in my opinion) some women question and decide they want no part of.

hatgirl · 17/12/2012 21:42

Flicktheswitch unfortunately it doesn't solve the problem of both parties being particularly weirdly attached to the names they have

EuroShagmore · 17/12/2012 21:44

There is no way I would have married anyone who tried to tell me "you're changing it". He clearly sees the meaningfulness of a name - as he is very attached to his. He just isn't respectful of your feelings on this subject.

In your shoes I wouldn't change my name or my son's. I've kept my name. And children we have will have both names.

McChristmasPants2012 · 17/12/2012 21:47

Apart from the legal aspect if anything happen to either of us, it was so we could all have a family surname.

i changed mine, so did DH and we created a whole new name.

hatgirl · 17/12/2012 21:47

i'm different to the OP in that my DP understands that I don't want to change my name (but it did take him some time to get over it). Perhaps the woman changing their name thing is one of those things that in years to come just will be a non thing and like smoking in pubs people will quickly be a bit Confused that women used to take a man's name. As much as I love to bits DP I just find it odd that I become someone else if I get married. Ergh ergh ergh

Flicktheswitch · 17/12/2012 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ll31 · 17/12/2012 21:53

What about ds dads surname-will he ever feel he wants his biological dads name

Iwearblack · 17/12/2012 21:56

Don't change your name! You must feel comfortable and not be forced into it otherwise you will be resentful for the rest of your life. Sharing names is not important compared to all that happens in life.
Me and DP have different surnames and have a child who has my DP's surname and mine as a middle name. She totally gets that we are a family and she is a blend of both of us. ... Even if she didn't have my name as a middle name (OP - you say yours don't go together) or she were adopted/ stepchild then being a family unit is more than sharing common genes/ names - its about BEING a family in actions and deeds ....

Original poster
grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 21:57

When he's older, if he wants, he can change it. I doubt it though since biological father isn't involved.

OP posts:
surroundedbyblondes · 17/12/2012 21:58

I didn't change my name when I married DH. It wasn't even possible to do so where we got married (though this has since been changed). So married women of all ages in that country had their own names. DD automatically received DH's surname because we were married and that was fine for me.

Since then we have moved to a country where it's usual for married couples to have the same name (typically wife takes husbands name, but increasing instances of husbands taking wives names, or making up a new name together) And in that culture and context I wanted to show that we were married and a family. We made that 'traditional' choice as it was right for us. And it felt right for me to change. I like us all having the same name now, though it takes quite a bit of getting used to.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/12/2012 21:58

If you're happy for your DCs to have his name, then of course YANBU to stand your ground! This is your name, not anyone else's. It's up to you.

Kytti · 17/12/2012 22:00

I think YABU. So you want to get married but not change your name to his, putting forward a public position of unity.

I know you'll all disagree. I don't really care. I think everyone goes through this when you get married. I was unsure how it would be with 'a new name'. It doesn't change you. Your name does NOT define who you are as a person, but it does indicate to others your relationship.

I hate all this modern crap. Married people take each other's names. End of. Of course he's upset. Why shouldn't it be important to him? You're not going to stop being you. In time, it becomes your name and you won't know what all the fuss was about.

If it bothers you this much, I don't see why you're getting married at all.

FlojoHoHoHo · 17/12/2012 22:01

Adoption? Seems a bit extreme, why doesn't your DP apply for parental responsibility instead?
I wouldnt change my name or my DCs name but then I always air on the side of 'what if we split up?'

YuleBritannia · 17/12/2012 22:04

Hmmm. When I was getting married the first time my now XH said "If you don't change your name it shows that you don't love me". So I changed it. DH number two didn't mind at all but one of his brothers does mind and told me that it disrespected their late mother. I hope you are reading this, R. 2 years after my DH2 died I still receive Christmas cards addressed to Mrs RuleBritannia DH number 2. This happens even though I stick a label on my cards to them saying what my name and address are. They just do not want to know. They have outdated opinions about what women should be called after they are married. Those with such opinions are all in, let's say, later life Catholics.

Original poster
grumpyinthemornings · 17/12/2012 22:06

Kytti, I understand your position, but I'm marrying him because I love him and want to be with him for life. Surely my wedding ring is enough of a public indication of this?

I'm a SAHM, it's already hard enough maintaining an identity separate from him. I am a person in my own right. Being MrsHim just doesn't sit right with me.

Married people take each other's names. I think you mean married women take their husbands name, since you don't suggest the reverse.

OP posts:
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