We've decided to get married, but...

[grumpyinthemornings]

I want to keep my last name. Partly because I hate alliterated names, but mainly because I like my last name, and I'm used to it.

I say I'm not sure about changing my name. DP says "you're changing it".

His argument is being one of only two men who can continue his family name. I understand this, but I'm happy for our DCs to have his name, I just want to keep mine.

I know it seems trivial, but it's something we really can't agree on. AIBU to stand my ground over this?

I have worked in our family business since since I was fourteen, for two thirds of my life. Changing my name when I married two years ago would have meant changing hundreds of forms for work and home and endless confusion. My husband wasn't happy, but he accepted the situation. Changing your name is much simpler when in your early twenties and don't have a pretzel.

If you have or expect to come into assets, you need a real prenuptial agreement worked out with separate legal representation for you both. My brother learned this the hard way when he divorced and was lucky to leave with his y-fronts and singlet.

wherearemysocka I would absolutely go for Oakenshield as a name!

OK, I think this is a complex issue with lots of historical/ social / political strands to it but in another way it's really quite simple. Your choice. I have friends who changed their names on marriage and even though I didn't do it myself and think it's unhelpful that people expect it, I would never disrespect their choice or refuse to call them by the name they have chosen to take (in comparison, look at the number of women who haven't changed names and still get stuff addressed to Mrs X, as I do myself, even by people who know they haven't changed their names). Women who want to change, change and that's your choice. Women who don't want to change, then don't change - and everyone should respect either option. The OP here has said she doesn't want to change, so that's her decision and others, including her DP, should accept and respect that.

if you want to take orders, join the army.

is that what he actually said in those words?

This would be a deal-breaker for me.

No way would I change my name, for anybody. Why does he think you should?

Refusing to open Christmas cards because they are addressed to Mr & Mrs X is just ridiculous imo.

DW kept her name when we got married, for a bunch of reasons. I'm not a control freak so why should I mind if she doesn't take my name. It doesn't mean we're any less married.

Unfortunately many of our friends and relatives are unable to get to grips with us having different surnames so most Christmas cards arrive addressed to Mr & Mrs Nocake. It's mildly annoying but we're getting used to it.

Rereading the thread, it bothers me that the title is "We've decided to get married, but...". More like, "We've decided to get married, and I want to keep my name". The 'but' implies a problem, that you're being naughty or doing something wrong. Keeping your name is neither of this, this really shouldn't be an issue with any man worth marrying.

He can't force you to change your name. On my wedding day the registrar told me it was completely my choice whether to change my name. He could tell I wasn't sure whether to change it or not and told me I didn't have to decide then and I didn't have to do it at all. The only reason he needed to know then was so we could be announced as mr and mrs surname if I did want to change.
Tell him t bog off and you will make up your own mind and its bog all todo with him as its your name!

Thank you so much for all your advice, we had another talk about it and he's accepted my reasons for not changing it. I honestly believe this was a one-off, it's the only time he's been that stubborn about something.

Thank you again :)

I'm glad you've sorted this out OP. I cannot believe that we still have to argue this shit.

DH and i double-barrelled, although we both just use our old names on most things.
However, I'm the only one of my peer group that seems to have not just taken the man's name 'because its tradition'.
I really don't understand it.

Has he promised never ever to speak to you like that again? I think names are irrelevant - the fact that he felt able to speak to you like that is the major issue

Had dh spoken to me like that pre-marriage there would be no marriage

Nishky, he apologised for it, said he didn't really think about it before, just assumed I'd take his name. I guess it was as much of a shock to him when I refused as it was for me when he insisted.

He has promised not to do it again, but I'm going to be extra vigilant - just in case.