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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have discplined my SILs children as she was doing nothing...??

965 replies

Shinyballsandtinsel · 15/12/2012 13:11

Two days ago, DH, me, our three DCs (9, 11, 13), granny, SIL and her two DCs went out for a meal in the evening (early about 7.00pm) for one of granny's landmark birthdays. We went to a chain pub, which later on turns into a club with bouncers on the door, no children after 9pm etc. It is in a town well known for stag/hen nights, however this time of year it is mostly Christmas parties.

It was very very busy, behind our table there were two long tables of about twenty people each, which looked like work do's. The bar was also very busy - there were steps leading down to the restaurant bit from the bar.

Our food arrived quite quickly. When we had finished our meal, we were waiting for the staff to bring plates for the birthday cake. My SILs older DC started running around and around the table very fast (aged 5yrs). SIL sat there doing nothing. Then the her younger DC started doing it also (aged 3yrs), whilst they were running the 3 year old ran into the legs of a fully laden waitress who nearly dropped all her plates. SIL still just sat there. They were running within close proximity of the people sitting on the end of the work do tables.

SIL was completely oblivious to it all, so I grabbed the 3yr old on his next run around, and plonked him down on a chair beside me, and said in quite a firm voice "sit down now, those people are having their dinner and Granny is about to have her cake". He immediately burst into tears, SIL glared at me, grabbed him on her lap. The 5 year old continued to run around the table, and then ran up the steps on her own into the bar area, my DH went to get her back, when she arrived back he put her onto her chair, she immediatley slid off under the table and started the running around thing again.

They have behaved like this before, I often make excuses for not going out when they are going to be there, as the children's behaviour, or rather the mother's complete oblivion to their behaviour actually winds me up. In the past she also literally just sits there whilst her children run around other people's tables, talk to strangers eating, ask if they can try some of their food (I kid you not!) and generally act as if they are in a playground. SIL has said in the past she thinks it cheers people up to see her kids smiley faces, and they are so freespirited and cute nobody could get annoyed with them..... Hence why I usually make my excuses, but as it was granny's landmark birthday couldn't get out of it.

Anyway, the saga continues - we all take it in turns to do Christmas dinner, this year is SILs turn to do it at her house. Today DH has received a telephone call to say that we are no longer invited for christmas day, as SIL is upset that I took it upon myself discipline her child, and it will ruin their Christmas if I do so again.

I am of the opinion that I am quite pleased not to have to go around there, and am happy to break away from the big family Christmas and start having Christmases at home with just our family, but Granny has now rung up very upset, and asked DH if I can apologise and make an excuse, i.e. say I was stressed at work or something.

I am not happy to do this, as I am not sorry. AIBU to not aplogise even though it will probably upset MIL?

OP posts:
DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 15/12/2012 14:43

not for your actions

MrsFlibble · 15/12/2012 14:47

YANBU, someone had to say something, so well done for doing it, i've told off my nieces and nephews before, my sister would tell my DD, i even tell my friends not to be afraid of telling her off if they need too.

Dont apologise, and tell MIL, that quite frankly you are embarrassed by their behaviour, and if you didnt do it, someone else would have.

How would SIL react, if a total stranger, gave her a right royal bollocking over her DC's behaviour?

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 15:00

I don't think given the suituation that you were ur but i do think you could have dealt with it differently.

If you really felt you had to deal with it as opposed to tell sil to deal with it then a distraction rather than grabbing plonking and talking firmly probably would have been a better way to go about it.

But on the other hand I also don't think you should apologise because by doing so you are just reaffirming her view that you somehow abused her child because in essence don't talk to my child like that and you made my dd cry is just a way of implying you abused her child in some way.

everlong · 15/12/2012 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasBigBaubles · 15/12/2012 15:13

do you really want to spend the day with them?

Original poster
Shinyballsandtinsel · 15/12/2012 15:13

When I said I hoped she wouldn't go, I don't mean I didn't want her to celebrate Granny's special birthday, bur rather than she could have gone out for lunch with granny or something - as you mention late nights are not good for that age, no matter what time they go to bed, and quite frankly we knew that them coming would spoil the evening.

And actually, it was a night out we had arranged with Granny, but we now feel obliged to invite SIL to everything we do with Granny, even if it does not involve special birthdays as she kicked up such a stink when we went out with Granny for one of our kid's birthday, and didn't ask her and her DCs. It feels like we can't see Granny unless she comes along too. Granny has said that she enjoys going out with the older grandchildren without the younger ones there, as she can have a more adult conversation with the older ones, and also she finds the behaviour of the younger ones embarrassing.

If we had asked SIL to do something, she would have said half heartedly "come on sit down" and then let them carry on, this approach has been tried in the past.

I also have to add, that at first, when they were sitting nicely and eating their meals I kept heaping praise on them, aren't you sitting lovely like a really big girl, and what a lovely boy to go out to dinner with etc. SIL does not set boundaries, but likewise she does not do positive reinforcement, she simply comes out and sits there like she hasn't even got the kids with her!

Their behaviour did affect me as we were all sitting together, as well as it making me feel stressed, I also felt very embarrassed.

I do not appreciate being emotionally blackmailed into making an empty apology that I don't mean, what is the point of that?

OP posts:
Blu · 15/12/2012 15:14

Anyway, as long as you feel it is all worth busting up Christmas, upsetting granny, causing a permanent rift between your DH and his sister, having to run round and sort chrustmas at yours now, etc etc.

RESULT!

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2012 15:15

I wouldn't apologise to the SIL in any shape or form. Not even the I'm-sorry-that-you-feel-that-way prevarication. It would just feed her sense of I-am-in-the-right, and THAT is what would lead to future problems.

So, no apology. I'd even consider pointing out to your MIL that her precious grandchildren could get hurt if their behaviour continues unchecked, and is that what she wants? She knows her daughter is in the wrong, maybe she needs a prod to tell her that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2012 15:19

Goodness Blu, your very determined that this is all the fault of the OP and not at all caused by SIL and BIL's crap parenting, aren't you?

SIL uninvited the OP, so it is she who is busting up Christmas.
SIL is raising her children to be an embarrassment in public, so it is SIL who has upset granny.
SIL is creating the rift between herself and her brother.

I do hope you don't pander to anyone in your own life in the way you expect the OP to.

pingu2209 · 15/12/2012 15:19

Why don't you fight fire with fire, and say that you will not be attending any social event with SIL unless she appologises for her children's behaviour? Turn the tables on her, rope in Granny, say that it is totally unacceptable to allow your evening/meal to be ruined by lack of discipline.

Karoleann · 15/12/2012 15:25

I'm on the fence, I would never take my children 6,4 and 18 months into a restaurant in the evening, it would be asking for trouble. They just get bored and start misbehaving...I wouldn't put up with them running about, but they woudn't have been in that situation in the first place. Your children are much older - maybe you've forgotten how they were at that age.

However, I wouldn't apologise, not if you believe you were in the right, maybe speak to her and say that you're sorry the eveing didn't work out and maybe it wasn't the right place to take small children, but you felt their behaviour was unacceptable. I would probaly have asked my SIL if she wanted a hand with them before disciplining them, something along the lines of - I think XXX is bothering the guy over there, would you like me to go and get him?

nkf · 15/12/2012 15:32

To be honest, it sounds like a job well done. Kids told to rein it in. You're out of the big annoying Christmas. Now, if you could just get Granny to butt out, you're home and dry.

SIL hasn't asked for an apology. She's just disinvited you. It really isn't for Granny to get involved.

AmberSocks · 15/12/2012 15:33

yabu.

i would be pissed offif i were her.It doesnt matter what they were doing you dont plonk peoples children on chairs and tell them to be quiet,what right do you have?

quoteunquote · 15/12/2012 15:35

What exoticfruits said,

It is unfair you are being asked to join in with turning a blind eye to unacceptable behaviour, if your sister in law wants to be deluded that is up to her,sad for her children, but she can not expect everyone else to join in, and suffer the stressful situations created by their behaviour,

you will be doing her children a favour as she will have to self examine, if her approach is going to provide her children with the social capacities needed in life. If you apologise and agree then she can carry on in denial.

you could say, I'm sorry that I upset you, I understand that you don't find it a problem when the children are running free in a restaurant environment, but you must be aware not everyone can tolerate it.

Even if she accepts the demanded apology, I wouldn't put yourself in a position where your families' celebrations are jeopardised by someone with so little grasp of acceptable behaviour, invite MiL over on boxing day and enjoy your day.

you are being bullied, if you give an inch you will get served up double next time, double that the time after, draw the line.

PessaryPam · 15/12/2012 15:35

Blu is the SIL I am sure.

PessaryPam · 15/12/2012 15:37

Amber she has the right to eat a meal in peace in a restaurant, as do the other diners. I take it you have delinquent kids too?

SugaricePlumFairy · 15/12/2012 15:40

I wouldn't apologise OP, stand your ground!

SiL sounds like a nightmare , anyone who withdraws an important invite like Christmas lunch over a percieved slight like this is clearly an overly sensitive, spolit idiot!

As for her getting arsey if you take Granny out without her and her dc's, how bloody old is she! Xmas Shock. She needs to get a very firm grip, jealous much?

Blu are you SiL?

MrsFlibble · 15/12/2012 15:40

AmberSocks if SIL was being a parent and taking control over her kids, OP wouldnt have had to have stepped in, what a stranger had gone over and shouted, then made them all look bad, if your gonna be a lazy arse parent than expect consequences.
.

Arithmeticulous · 15/12/2012 15:40

Oh shame; Christmas at home it is then Wink

But, I would phone or see your SIL and say you didn't mean to upset her DC, you were just worried about hot food being thrown over them - I wouldn't do it so that I got re-invited for Christmas, that would be off the table (so to speak) but so that it wasn't awkward for Granny.

thebody · 15/12/2012 15:40

Blu. Are you the annoying sil??

Of course don't apologise op.

Your sil is a pita and you well out of it.

Tell granny you can't sit back and do nothing when her grandchildren could have been scalded or hurt so its best you stay away.

Going forward invite granny to yours for meals. She can then spend time with her older grandchildren.

Granny needs to stay out if this tbh.

nkf · 15/12/2012 15:43

I think if a kid is running into a waitresses's legs, it's okay to take them out of the situation. I can see that "grabbing" could sound aggressive but I read it as picking them up and moving them. He would have cried because it was unexpected and he should have been in bed anyway and was probably tired.

SugaricePlumFairy · 15/12/2012 15:43

Had the Waitress spilt hot food over the children or other Customers due to the dc's boisterous behaviour would SiL have blamed everyone else?

Probably!

AmberSocks · 15/12/2012 15:44

We have taken our kids to restauraunts almost every weekend since they wereborn,so they know how to be have,if they do decide to run around i distract them with something and if they carry on i tell themwe will go,which always works asthey dont want to miss out on all the fun.btw my kids are 4,3,2 and 9 weeks,they stay up late but they dont go to school so can sleep in the day if they need to so being out at 7pm for them is no big ask.

milkymocha · 15/12/2012 15:45

Well i think you did the right thing.
YANBU! sil needs a kick up the bum, it was not a soft play area. It was dinner, my two year old is not allowed to run around disturbing others.. The children needto be taught!

MrsFlibble · 15/12/2012 15:45

Had the Waitress spilt hot food over the children or other Customers due to the dc's boisterous behaviour would SiL have blamed everyone else?

Hell yeah, she'd blame everyone else, cant stand those parents who think its everyone else thats badly behaved not the kids.

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