About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

[UntamedShrew]

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post

Normally OP can always get hold of Dh or he calls home.

She couldn't this time and he didn't call.

Therefore this was not usual which made the OP worry.

Hence the calls.

I think YANBU and I think you have had some unnecessary stick on this thread from some people who haven't read it all properly and have seen stuff that wasn't there, or just jumped on the bandwagon of some posters.

Some people seem to think that playing the "cool wife" means that your husband will never cheat/leave or be a bastard, newsflash it doesn't, but it can mean having a prat for a husband and excusing behaviour that really shouldn't be excused .
Being a concerned and upset wife in unusual situations such as OP's is perfectly understandable and far more normal ( and caring) than not being bothered.

Yes the cool wife thing baffles me as I am fairly cool with dp re our separate lives but would still expect a call in the op's situation and certainly wouldn't think of it being a precursor to an affair . My best friend was super cool her ex h now has a 29 yr old new partner with a new baby not everything is always as it seems

sarah
My children are a bit older but I did go on a work trip abroad for a couple days and I rang home once a day and sent a couple of texts (mainly because my flight was delayed coming back). DH survived because he didn't expect me to call much. If there had been an urgent problem he would have rung.

We rarely get in touch during the day unless there is a good reason, its just how we are, I know that wouldn't suit everyone.

Back2two l am far from the first poster or reader of the OP who has thought of the affair or fling angle. His anger and dismissiveness were what raised it for me tbh. As far back as the first dozen posts there have been comments such as 'l would be suspicious' 'this is fishy' 'this disappearing wasnt innocent was it' to repeat a few.

As far as me being 'Nice, Nice and supportive' is concerned, l am posting on a AIBU thread. I am not trying to be supportive to the OP as l happen to think the OP is being unreasonable - sorry, l didnt realise we all had to be in the same camp as you.

As for me being snidey, that is ridiculous, as shown above l am hardly bringing up the unthinkable really am l ? As for me using strikeouts - it is an acceptable use of the strikouts to demonstrate that you ' dont like to say this really, but..'

You arent averse to a bit of snideyness yourself really are you ? with your little comment to LeQ with your 'Whoopy-do' and apparent ' so what ' attitude to her description of her night out, nicely finished off with apparent 'shouting' at her that you 'NEVER' had the MIL option.

I agreed with LaQueen's earlier posts and agree with the latest one too. I don't understand why she's being called smug either? There are plenty of people on MN who seem to be doing ok, nice home, income, etc. They don't brag nor make a secret of it. Why so snippy about it? Really does smack of jealousy and spite.

The point being made by the OP that it's what's 'normal' is something that I didn't take much emphasis of earlier; I think it's a fair comment. I'd still be irritated in her husband's shoes but if that's what they do as a couple and it's normal - then he shouldn't be in a bad mood about it. If it's no longer what's to be expected then the goalposts have moved and everybody needs to know where they now are.

We never had relatives who babysat they all lived miles away. We asked around and found teenagers to babysit. Sometimes you just have to put in a bit of effort and trust other people with your kids to be able to go out. I have no sympathy to the "martyr to my inability to let anyone else look after our kids" attitude.
I used to babysit kids from 15 onwards so am maybe more relaxed about teenagers babysitting than those who never babysat. I answered an advert in a corner shop and then babysat for 4 years for them.

I didn't think you were smug over that laqueen but I do think you were underestimating how responsible you were being. You planned a time to offload your responsibilities and you arranged with your MIL to have your dc for the night so that you could have a blowout without them being affected. It is very different to just disappearing with no word unexpectedly.

I get irritated by constant checking in too, I don't really want to hear from dh when he is away, I rarely want to speak to him/the dc if I am, however I would never just go AWOL and be uncontactable/not be available when I was expected to be. I would always answer my phone if the person looking after dc rang, I would not be likely to get so drunk I passed out when I was away from home, I would not just not turn up to work, I would not blame my dh for my bad behaviour and if I felt irritated by an arrangement to check in regularly I wouldn't make dh think I was going to.

I know who l'd rather have a night out with LeQueen that's for sure.
I always decide to give false eyelashes one more try on a big night out. Never ends well ! Went to a burlesque club one night and a friend and l thought we better give the gorgeous glamorous show boys girls a run for their money. So out came the six inch spikes and the massive falsh eyelashes etc. As the night went on one of my false eyelashes came adrift and was like a rogue centipede on my cheek. I went in the Ladies at one point and one of thetrannies cocktail waitresses in there and seeing my plight helped me fix my roaming falsie on one side 'on properly'.
It took me over a week to get that side off (the other side were on my pillow by next morning!). So DH poor thing kept waking up to half 'Lily Savage' half me looking at him .
Yeah what with your rolling spandex and my odd eyes and both of our feet blistered and bleeding we'd cut a fine sight l'm sure.

Yeah and funniest thing is that in your alcohol soaked head you still think you have two sets of glam eyelashes intact and go around gurning pulling your best sultry expression and soaking up all the sniggers admiring glances you are attracting.

Happy days!

Ok, you said organised and I said responsible about it. I have never said you can't have time away, just that you have to be responsible and organised and you can't just disappear or ignore your phone or not go to work or not get up with dc if that is what is required of you. If you know you want to lay in bed till two having got blasted the night before then you have to plan it so that you can!

The funny thing is, thinking about all of this, DH sends me more texts now the dc are all but grown than he ever did 10 years or so ago. It's getting to the point where I sometimes think when I hear the ping - "what does he want now"? [married too long emoticon . I fink he loves me after all the years of "being there for him"