About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

[UntamedShrew]

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post

I agree with LeOueen. We have a friend whose wife just doesnt like going out and we rarely see her. No young children,no babysitters required,nothing at all to stop her, it's just how she is. So l just know one day the voices will make me snatch his phone when she calls for about fourth time that night and shout 'Sorry,'Ourfriendsname' cant answer at moment, he's nipped out with some woman'.
But only half joking apart it is awful to see, This friend always refers to 'getting a pass' for a night out etc. which a lot of our group have adopted as a little in-joke. Sad thing is though he really means it when he says it - unlike rest of us.

I too wouldnt tolerate this and DH and l even ended up in different local pubs on a night out as l had moved on with some of our friends and he unbeknown to me had stayed in the first pub. Neither of us could care less and laughed it off and l just said 'Oh l've been trying to shake him off for years' and ha ha etc etc. l thought it quite sad however how many (women especially) displayed thinly veiled aghastness (is there such a word ) at this being genuinely ok with us both.

Thing that strikes me about OP is that her DH goes to France because of his work - it is not just a social thing and often the Xmas party is expected for anyone,especially senior people, rightly or wrongly to attend these 'optional' parties. OP actually said he tied his visit in with the party - so he obviously had to go anyway for work - party or not - and he may well have considered it to be good 'office politics' to attend Xmas party.

He may be mad at her because she possibly dropped him in it. He may have told work he was setting off home that day so wouldnt be in. He may have led them to believe he would be in and then not gone in or even left work without advising anyone because of hangover. Its all very well OP taking the higher moral ground stance of -'Oops - scuppered that' or thinking 'serves him right then'. But it would be rather shooting herself in foot if he lost his job as a result or didnt get that promotion or whatever.

Or maybe he didnt go away for work at all which would explain his reaction to OP ringing work
Oops indeed.

[cynical]

Erm except that getting wasted and telling lies to your work is actually pretty irresponsible and might well get you into a lot of trouble.

Getting so drunk you pass out can actually kill you.

And how can everyone have missed that the op is not saying he can't have a blowout or that she feels bad about it, or that he isn't allowed to socialise or that he has to check in when he is away. She is simply saying that she was worried about his out of character behaviour and angry about his swearing and blaming.

People who throw pity parties about not being allowed out need to be better at asserting their needs. This crap about "nagging wives" is like saying men "have to" lie to their partners, no, they don't. If their position is reasonable then just assert it and negotiate a system which works for both people like an adult...

"Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb"... Then "it's your fault I don't agree with you"... Totally pathetic behaviour....

Oh l see, so apparently everything will be ok soon, but only once OPs DH apologises whether or not he feels he should or has done anything wrong.

Thank you Offred for actually reading what I've said!

Suda & LeQ I am sorry for your friends but please don't assume that is me.

some companies and some industries it's frowned upon to be hammered at the work do, some places it's the norm to get drunk with your boss. It might be in the Paris office that it's perfectly acceptable/almost expected if everyone else is getting a little "squiffy"

While DH does normally call every evening when he's away, but I would assume if I didn't hear from him it would be because he was either working or on a night out. If I tried him in the day and couldn't get him, I would assume he was in a meeting.

LeQueen- it just seems some woman are genuinely offended that their DP/DH can have fun without them. The only time I get huffy with DH when he stays out later than planned is when I get a drunken phone call at 2:30am as he can't get a taxi, it's icy and he wants me to get DS out of his warm snuggly bed to go collect his drunken arse from the next town over....

I do personally think it is irresponsible for a parent to go AWOL in another country. I also think it irresponsible for a parent to get so drunk on the works do that they can't get up for work the next morning. I presume he is the breadwinner as he works away and you have 3 small children, which in my eyes makes this behaviour even more irresponsible.

My dh can do what he wants, as can I. Seeing as though we are both responsible adults neither of us would want to get passed out drunk in another country with the other holding the baby and not knowing where we were.

I'm also glad I'm not in a relationship where it's tit for tat, you get to go out with the boys so I get to go on a spa day to make it equal. It seems really old fashioned to me and not a million miles away from the concept of having a 'pass' for a night out.

I contributed to this thread at the beginning but I am now starting to agree more with LaQueen's take on things. Some of those posts make me quite relieved I'm not a man.

The issue with his office is entirely his own doing because he either a) set it up before the party, that he he was 'going back to London' when in fact he was going to take a sneaky day off. In which case he should have told you to prevent exactly this situation, as even the most remedial liar knows that you need to cover your bases or b) He phoned in, in the morning to say he was going back to London in which case he could have dropped the OP a quick text to check in.

He's being a selfish arse OP. Yes, he should get sometime to kick back and relax without you making him suffer for his good fortune, but the thoughtful thing for a partner to do is to realise that the've got the sweet end of the deal and at least acknowledge that the other got the shitty end of the stick and do something (like checking in) to make it a little more bearable.

Mine, too, TSC (happy days!) I could still work a phone - that was also part of the job.

Nice to have you back, btw!

Laqueen - you asked what is wrong with it. I'm not saying people don't do it, I'm simply saying it is an irresponsible thing to do, when I do it it is, when you do it it is, when he does it it is. There wasn't any moral judgement simply assessment that it was irresponsible behaviour, just because people do it or want to do it does not make it not irresponsible behaviour does it?

Yep, lots of people do irresponsible things, most grown ups recognise when they have done an irresponsible thing and don't blame other people for making them do it.

Laqueen that is OTT

I thought it was quite funny

I'm not saying no fun btw or not even no being irresponsible, if you actually read my posts.