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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

355 replies

UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 13:37

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster Hmm at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post Blush

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 17:29

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garlicbaubles · 15/12/2012 17:36

Is it always like this on these threads?!

Yes! And it's always the same posters telling us husbands can be expected to have affairs if wives don't disappear themselves on demand Xmas Grin

noddyholder · 15/12/2012 17:43

How the hell can you get a job hobby etc if you are looking after three under 3? So basically if you expect support and contact in the early days your partner may have an affair Grin?I don't think the OPs time was that free!

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 17:47

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noddyholder · 15/12/2012 17:49

I don't sense that at all. Just someone with certain expectations which seem to be the norm in their relationship day to day.

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2012 17:56

Failing to sit on hands here ...

I know a woman who, at her insistence, accompanied her husband on a business trip to a very nice place. While there she got very cross about the amount of time he had to spend on business. Thinking she had a point, he invited her along to the lunches and dinners. She then got cross that he couldn't make time to go shopping with her. So she stood outside his meeting, interrupted the conversation and dragged him into town.

You lot just don't know what needy looks like!!

Original poster
UntamedShrew · 15/12/2012 18:17

Thank you Garlic & Noddy.

I'm no martyr. The boys are in preschool for 2.5 hours a day. It's great but goes very quickly. I spend those 2.5 hours doing work for my own business and ignoring the 1 year old as I'm trying to keep it ticking over for when the kids all go to school.

I am not a burning martyr whinge bag, generally I know I'm lucky with a flexible job, cleaner twice a week, all our shopping is delivered etc so I do have some help and I do have some outside interests.

What I am VERY short of us sleep. The chaos / work balance is all do-able as long as I've had enough sleep and right now I feel utterly exhausted as the DC have between them been ill for a month. Only minor illnesses I grant you but enough to keep me up several times a night.

OP posts:
SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 18:27

"Imagine having to tell your colleagues the massively important thing was that he's not replied to a wifey email sent at 7am so the coastguard had been informed etc."

:o

You big spoofer.

Nobody who took an urgent call from home would get a public grilling as to what it was about when they came back.

Unless you've never had a job, you know that.

sarahseashell · 15/12/2012 18:28

Shock jeez so everyone who's not 'good wifey' patting hubby on the back and waving him off with a smile as he goes on the big christmas bender (while she holds the fort with 3 demanding under 5's) deserves for him to have an affair Confused

they should have a whole section called '1950's MN' for this shit

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 19:03

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bedmonster · 15/12/2012 19:25

Yabu. I feel sorry for him if he can't have a night out and a lie in without being hassled. I do understand you feeling envious of him having a night out with grown ups and booze, I've been a sahm for 8 years. No Xmas parties here. Dp has one every year and I'm always envious. But he goes and I wish him a lovely day and night and that's the end of it. You sound like you were actively trying to make him feel guilty about having a night out. And you sound a bit hysterical. Sorry.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 15/12/2012 19:29

Does he call and text you minutiae from his troubles in work, as if you could do anything about it? Why on earth call at 7 am? what do you expect him to do?
Stop hassling the poor man.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 19:37

"It would be normal for someone to ask if a call came in if everything was ok?"

Yeah, and the answer to that is "yes, everything's fine"

Nobody expects you to tell them what your wife wanted to talk about.

sarahseashell · 15/12/2012 19:37

eh? these are half his children who he is 50 percent responsible for Confused or is she only responsible for them during office hours then?

He's allowed to just check out of the whole scenario as and when it suits him and if she is feeling like she needs a bit of back up or needs to ascertain his whereabouts she gets called all sorts of names on here Shock

I find this whole thread interesting. I wonder what people would say if it was a woman travelling to France regularly whose husband had tried to contact her while looking after 3 under 5's and she was having the booze up and lie-in till 2pm. Would he be subjected to all of this?

The OP doesn't come across as hysterical at all IMO she was just concerned where her dh was and possibly a bit pissed off with him which I would be too if sleep deprived and having looked after sick babies/toddlers for a month.

Rowlers · 15/12/2012 19:41

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but it did get me wondering, how many people do actually die in a gutter?

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 19:46

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Original poster
UntamedShrew · 15/12/2012 19:47

Thank you Sarah.

I'm intrigued too by that thought. 'Poor man' and 'moaning wife' - poor woman & moaning husband would probably not be quite so common if our genders were reversed... IMO.

And I didn't call him till 11am. But whatever, I'm clearly hysterical, not to mention controlling, unpleasant etc etc etc.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 15/12/2012 19:50

Xmas Grin hopefully someone will be along with the stats...

but people do choke on own vomit/ fall over and get concussion/ get run over/fall down stairs etc while drunk. There are many drink related accidents and fatalities. I imagine only a small proportion occur in the actual gutter some may be on the pavement or indoors Xmas Wink

BOFingSanta · 15/12/2012 19:50

Give over, you big drama queen Xmas Grin

Come on, you know what AIBU is like. You sound perfectly lovely. Any chance of a lie-in on the horizon?

sarahseashell · 15/12/2012 19:51

(that was to rowlers of course)

yes OP I am quite Xmas Shock at the hard time you are getting on here tbh

Original poster
UntamedShrew · 15/12/2012 20:03

Well if I didn't before, I do now! It's been great though, venting on here has definitely meant I've not growled at DH today Wink and it was nice to chat to some of you for the first time.

A lie in tomorrow would be bliss. The PILs arrive at lunch time and the house is a tip however. Maybe just a short one...

Off out now with slightly-less-peaky but not fully recovered DH. He has decided to drive! I've got a new dress on and enormous heels and i am feeling a bit more forgiving Smile

OP posts:
BOFingSanta · 15/12/2012 20:06

Good for you- have a nice night.

Quiltweight · 15/12/2012 20:07

OP I think you are completely reasonable and also that you have weathered the contributions from some of the other posters on here with tremendous dignity and patience.

It sounds like you and your DH have a good relationship just that he messed up a bit here. I am sure you have probably already sorted. I would imagine most couples have their own similar experiences of one or the other fucking up in some way. Within the moment, the other party is within reason to be pissed off as expectations not met. It's not like you have become shrieking harridan, FFS.

I think the thing is, if you and he generally have a way of keeping in touch, and then it suddenly changes, you are bound to worry a bit. If you find out it's due to drinking too much and then get a bit of the sharp end from him about being worried, you are bound to be cross as it's all a bit unfair. After all you created those expectations together, through both habitually doing the same things around contacting each other.

The fact that other posters do different things with their DHs or that they or their DHs have different jobs which make them more or less contactable and therefore between them establish different expectations of availability for communication is really nothing to do with you and your situation.

Enjoy yourself out tonight and sleep in tomorrow.

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 20:08

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Original poster
UntamedShrew · 15/12/2012 20:10

Ahh, that's nice thanks Quilt.

Am waiting for DH to finish preening. Sigh.

OP posts: