About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

[UntamedShrew]

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post

Bumbez you must have been SO worried.

Yeah looking forward to tonight - my first Xmas party this year. I'll probably be ready for bed by nine though

laqueen i think we have agreed on threads like this beofre,

these blokes are micromanaged. From what I know about most of my Hs work dos( some of which i have gone to) they can be bloody hard work

How is someone making a quick call to say are you ok in a situation like this micro managed?

i think the fact he has avoided her ringing to moan about hte kids says it all.

Not that one thing Nod, most men on Mn are emasuculated by their wife's continual reluctance to let them have anything apart from home and work

thats why so many have affairs, to get a fucking break. ( and cockage too obvs)

emasculated

l'm intrigued her DH remembers how many pints he had, DH loses count after about four and l'm usually in no fit state to do the mathematics to help him out by then.

she DIDNT ask him how much he drunk did she?
fuck - did he wash his hands after he took a piss?

Thats providing l'm still in the same pub as him and we havent had another of our 'misunderstandings'.

I don't think expecting a quick text is emasculating and denying someone a life. My dp is in trouble (then but we seem to be ok after 21 years and no affairs yet!) I think considering the ages of the kids and sickness etc a quick are you ok? see you tomorrow goes a long way.

I wasn't ringing to moan about the kids.
I was ringing to make sure he was ok as to not hear from him for so long was out if character therefore worrying.

Is it always like this on these threads?!

I think out pre child sex drugs and rock and roll lifestyle may have something to do with why we check in now as we often went awol in the early days and so prob extra considerate now! (wistful)

I think everyone should be cut a little slack here. The husband didn't do anything wrong. And the OP is exhausted. It's easy to lose it when you haven't slept for a while. I know I was shrieky and anxious when I had small non sleeping children.

Well she's not said as much Amblin but probably l was referring to a couple of posts at bottom of last page - HandbagCrabs and LeQueens response mainly

Qoute from OP:

"I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer "

l think we can safely say OP, that your DH could be forgiven for thinking you were phoning to moan about the kids as this was a follow up call to an unanswered communication to ...well...moan about the kids.

YANBU.
After all, Christmas party or not, he was supposed to be at the office the day after.
His company was expecting him there in the morning.

So I can't see why you would be unreasonable to expect him to answer his phone (or texts, or emails that all arrive on his mobile) that morning. I would have been just as worried as you were.

And no having a job that involves drinking doesn't mean that you get so drunk that you can't get up the day after until 2pm anyway!

My husband goes away for work a lot and when not away there are times when he cannot be contacted and I mean cannot. I wouldn't bother him about mundane matters if I knew a business dinner had started. If it was urgent I would know where he was or his clerk would. I have had to do that twice in 22 years of marriage. Once when ds was admitted to hospital at four months old and dh came as soon as he could and once when I went into labour at 27 weeks and on that occasion his clerk stood outside the court room to get him straight into a cab and stop him talking to clients. He would not have answered a call if he was with a client. He would not want to answer calls if I were ringing him to tell him the dc had been up coughing from x to x or puking from y to z.

The DC are bigger now. He was out on Thursday, I was out last night, he has gone to footy this afternoon, we are going out together tonight. We haven't really talked since Wednesday.

Sudaname read a later post of mine. I have you the details but just told him we had a bad night. Sorry that wasn't clear from my OP.

sudaname is it really such a bad thing to want to call your DH because you've had a bad night?
Are we supposed to be so independent and strong that we are never allowed to want to talk to our partner about difficulties we are having whilst they are away?
Never ever?

As far as I am concerned, always being strong and never letting your partner know about difficulties is a recipe for disaster. First because I don't expect anyone, neither myself nor my DP, to always be strong and never need any emotional support. Also because if you don't share these issues, how on earth is the other person suppose to know and understand said difficulties?

Gave, even. I can't paste it as on phone but it was a post at 14:12 on 14/12 (how pleasing)

Dh emailed me because his phone wasn't working in Ireland. I presume he used the wireless in his hotel. He used to drink a lot more when he was a lad so 7 pints is not enough to completely slay him these days. He may have been exaggerating or covering up an affair or something though! :)

unnamed you are right he was totally emailing me his drink tally to have a moan. I'm surprised I didn't get another one later detailing how lucky I was to be at work after getting up with ds and getting us both ready and out whilst he suffered with his hangover over a hotel fry up!

I'm going to micromanage dh on his next trip and insist he has 8 pints and a sambuca and he is not back through the door unless he can prove to me via 15 minute interval picture messages that this was the case!

Also it is a very different issue when the work you have does require long periods when you are not contactable. Because you will
1- very clearly know this is the case
2- have an idea of when you can contact your DP
3- you have a procedure in place for when shit happens

This was just a work do. Not a meal with clients, not work either. Just a party where the OP's DH was supposed to be able to go to work the day after, not be so drunk after that he couldn't get up until 2pm.
That attitude was very unprofessional imo (and I think the OP's DH knew that as otherwise he wouldn't have been so unhappy she had rung the office...).
Deflecting his responsibility for being able to work/answer texts/emails/phone the day after onto the OP sounds pathetic to me (and worst of all that actually other people seem to think it's OK to condone & support that behaviour)

Have we established though that he was expected in work the next day ? Also she'd had a reply from the night before was only really that day,she didnt get a reply till early afternoon to her email and call.

Untamed yes l do know that. You said along the lines of 'should be glad youre away as we've had a really rough night here ' (ilk/whatever). Very obviously as you are only adult in house presumably with young DCs a rough night is almost always going to be kids waking up or not sleeping or whatever. If it was anything more serious you would have said obviously.

GPFC No problem at all with wanting some moral support or just needing reassurance if worried etc and l have in such circumstances called my DH on his mobile when he was at work. Only very rarely but have done so.

BUT if l dont get a reply or get his voicemail or he doesnt get back to me straight away, l dont sulk or think he's dead in a ditch. He is a builder and I presume he is on a roof or up some scaffolding or in a meeting or one of the other 101 reasons why it's not safe or appropriate for him to answer me.

As soon as he can he gets back to me - thats all l think l can expect. Building sites are also obviously very dangerous places so l would never give him grief for not always replying immediately for fear of him one day getting injured or worse in doing so. l suppose that nagging can really kill in some circumstances .

You know I think actions speak louder than words. Why waste the emotional energy on trying to communicate to someone how you feel? All you are going to get is the tin hat response.Show them instead.

In the next few days book your own time out. Leave your mobile at home or switch it off for hours. Enjoy some space and let him cope. Get some sleep.

Every time he pulls a stunt like this return the favour. In fact take a whole weekend out.

See how he likes them apples as the saying goes.

Oh and next time he opts out of communicating don't chase his sorry arse seeing if he's okay. Just take off yourself as soon as is possible when he returns. Don't pander to this shit.

I certainly don't approve of extra marital affairs and have never had one. But to be one of these poor men not even allowed to enjoy a party well I think I would be having an affair or finding someone else.