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Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:44

Really he shouldn't be allowed to visit his family because his wide has a bit of morning sickness. You honestly think that Shock

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 15:45

'allowed'?

What do you mean? Confused

He's an adult.

forgetmenots · 14/12/2012 15:46

Genuinely don't understand these concepts of 'home' and 'family' that seem to exclude the person you're married to! My home is with DH. He is the main member of my immediate family. I love visiting my parents and other relatives, in the town I grew up in. But not at the expense of my husband.

Can't fathom that at all and think it sets a strange precedent. I'm pregnant too and I would be feeling really upset if I was not with DH at Christmas.

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:46

We also don't know how easy it would be for the OP to get the 27th off work, for all we know she may just not have booked it to try and make him stat and he's calling her manipulative bluff. (sorry OP but some people seem to forget we're only hearing one side of the story).

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 15:48

Yeah, his stupid wife and her poxy morning sickness!

Why should he be forced to think about what would make her happy?

Now that she's up the duff she's not really in a position to complain.

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:49

'Allowed' as being able to do it without the mumsnet jury thinking he's some kind of cunt Wink

forget emits you see I read this the other way in that the DH is meant to ignore his wider family now that he's married and has a new family.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 15:50

How would spending two days with them, then running his wife back on Boxing day equate to ignoring his family?

cory · 14/12/2012 15:51

elderberryspokes Fri 14-Dec-12 14:03:51

"I also know that in his mind his priorities will completely shift when the baby is born and that is likely the reason for his determination to have one last old-style family Christmas."

I think you put your finger on it there, OP. He thinks of his carefree baby-free life as lasting right up to the moment your baby pops out. He needs to change his ideas: that baby is already there in your womb and affecting both your lives. From now on, he needs to be prepared for the possibility of having to put his life on hold to deal with it. His carefree baby-free life is over.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 15:51

If he said to her: "I know that it's important to you to see your sister, but it's equally important to me to spend Christmas with my friends and family. Let's go down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day, spend some time at the Boxing Day party and then head home that evening so you can get into work on the 27th. I'd have loved to stay for the whole party, just as you would have loved to see your sister, but there's no way to make everything work."

then he would be being reasonable. And he and OP could come to an agreement. Perhaps they could make a special trip to see the sister at Easter, for example.

But that's not what he's saying. He's refusing to compromise at all. So what he's actually saying is: "What I want is more important to me than what you want, so I'm going to go ahead and do what I like anyway".

And that's unreasonable in the extreme.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 15:52

I'm not sure how you read that the OP's DH is meant to ignore his wider family now he's married. For the last two years he has spent Christmas with them. This year is a bit more complicated but sadly, he doesn't seem prepared to compromise. Nobody is asking him to abandon his family, just to recognise that there are more people to consider now.

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 15:52

I don't imagine he cares about the MN jury. I don't think 'allowed' is what normal adults do.

If you have an adult relationship, you expect someone to treat you with respect and you treat them with respect. Saying someone should be 'allowed' out reminds me of what you'd say about letting the dog off for a run.

I do accept we are only seeing one side of the story, but I don't see how you leapt to assuming the OP is being manipulative. Or why it would excuse his behaviour.

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:53

Maybe my view is skewed as both DH and I have jobs we travel with and friends all over that we visit both together and independently fairly regularly but I never saw morning sickness as a reason to stop him going away. Baffling.

XiCi · 14/12/2012 15:53

Sorry but I don't think your husband sounds wonderful at all. You're obviously really upset about this but he has refused any sort of compromise. Why can't he drive you back to work on the 27th?
Sounds like he wants you out the way so he canget pissed with his mates which is a bit shit at the best of times never mind while you are feeling crap in early pregnancy
Most worrying is him gaslighting you - putting things you haven't said into your head. I would be fucking livid at that
I think partners really show what they're made of when babies come along and his complete disregard of you already just doesn't bode well

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 15:53

Or how would staying at home this Christmas and bringing his new baby to visit them next Christmas constitute "ignoring"?

You can be a kind, considerate husband and enjoy a good relationship with your parents.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 15:53

Was just about to post the same cinnebar.

If he wanted them both to go and visit his parents given they're further away (though hardly the ohter side of the world) and catch up with other rellies, then accommodate her work it would all be perfectly reasonable...

But he's not. He's saying don't come, Wife. I won't take you back.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 15:55

I don't think it's just the morning sickness that means he shouldn't go away - it's the whole kit and caboddle.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 14/12/2012 15:55

The OP would like to spend christmas day with her DH. What's so wrong about that?

Oh, and MrsLyman you're wrong about it being his family's turn. If they keep to the 'rota' then it's her family's turn.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 15:55

XiCi - YY, the gaslighting worries me too.

XiCi · 14/12/2012 15:56

Mrs Lyman - he's not just going away though is he. He's leaving her alone at Christmas knowing that she's uoset about it. Bit different to your situation

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:57

I'm referring to all the 'you're his family now' type comments and when I say extended family I mean those other than his parents i.e. Aunts uncles cousins etc.

The OP said she didn't want to go to London so by not booking the time off she may have thought he wouldn't go.

forgetmenots · 14/12/2012 15:59

mrslyman, I saw it as just he has a family that includes his wife and a home with her but is choosing to do something that he knows is difficult for her this year, when she could do without it really. Don't hnderstand why anyone (OP's DH, OP, anyone) would privilege going 'home' to their 'family' when that doesn't mean their partner and children.

Would understand completely where you're coming from though if it felt like he was to abandon his parents but I didn't get that from the OP at all, could be I'm reading it differently

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 15:59

But, MrsLyman, if you don't mind your DH travelling, how is it the same?

She does mind. That's the point. And he doesn't give a toss.

snuffaluffagus · 14/12/2012 16:02

diddl, I meant along with your husband/wife etc.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 16:03

It'shis refusal to compromise that is horrible.

He could say, they both go to his parents and he'll bring her back boxing day.
He could say he'll go up to his parents alone but be back on Boxing Day to take her to the party. He could suggest family visit them. H could suggest an early xmas with his family and they spend the day together quiety...

But no. He is demanding it exactly how he wants...I'm sorry but that's odd.

diddl · 14/12/2012 16:08

"diddl, I meant along with your husband/wife etc. "

Yes, I know.

I´ve always preferred the two, three then four of us on Christmas Day though.

Parents Boxing Day.

Although we were only an hour away from all parents when in UK so saw them regularly anyway.

So seeing them over the Christmas period was enough iyswim.