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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my friend to bring her 6mo to our Christmas meal?

999 replies

forbiddenfruit85 · 06/12/2012 21:25

Be prepared I have my judgey pants on.

We have organised our meal for the weekend before Christmas. Friend is bringing her 6mo baby because the one and only time she has left him, he refused to take the bottle.

She has since then never bothered to try again. My baby took ages to take to the bottle too so I know how hard it is, but I persisted and eventually we got there.

The table is booked for 8 and we will be there is probably at least 10 so its going to be late. The restaurant is fully booked so it's going to be noisy. I just don't feel this is a great environment for a baby.

aibu to not want her to bring him along?

(she has a bf and they live with his family so there isn't a shortage of people willing to look after him)

OP posts:
pictish · 06/12/2012 23:48

What will go wrong if a baby is in a restaurant at 10 o'clock at night OP?
What is that you are actually worried about happening here?

The worst thing to me would be if the baby cried for a long time. Other than that, I cannot see the harm in it at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2012 23:49

is this the bit where the Op turns on the nest of vipers ?

Original poster
forbiddenfruit85 · 06/12/2012 23:50

Posterofapombear I don't allow people to make different choices?

And how have you reached that conclusion?

I said she tried bf once. Didn't want to do it again. So baby relies on solely her to feed. I don't think its appropriate to bring a baby to an adult meal. That is about the gist of what I'm saying.

So again, how have you come to that conclusion?

OP posts:
Zavi · 06/12/2012 23:51

OMG, I'd completely forgotten that the bread rolls won't be the only baps out if the baby wants a feed!!!!

And I'm guessing that this type of mum is not going to want to take baby off to the toilet for that...

I rest my case. YADNBU and mum and baby should D be left at home!

5madthings · 06/12/2012 23:51

So you dont think.its suitable..
.but its not your baby and its not your restaraunt so.its not up to you!

And you made it about the bottle by moaning that your friend didnt perservere like you did, so people will comment on that, it seems judgey and being judgey towards someone who you are meant go be a friends with makes you seem.a not very nice friend.

pictish · 06/12/2012 23:53

I don't think its appropriate to bring a baby to an adult meal. That is about the gist of what I'm saying.

I get the gist thanks. What I am asking is why not? What. Will. Happen?

TuftyFinch · 06/12/2012 23:54

Piss off Zavi.

ZebraInHiding · 06/12/2012 23:54

With pnd, for example, a meal at a.restaurant with friends can be soul lifting. If there is no one else to look after the child, what is the mother to do?

I appreciate this isn't the case with the Op, but this thread has made me sad that I would have been so judged. My friends are my life line and I appreciate them so much more after reading this thread.

CoolaYuleA · 06/12/2012 23:54

Goldplated

"Because op lives with her oh and his parents. And at six.months old id be mighty pissed off if dh wasnt able to settle dd for a little while till I got home from.somewhere. "

Then you are lucky. I live with my DH - when he's here. Unfortunately when DD was under a year old he was away more than he was at home (Army). So at six months (and more) there was no way he could settle DD in the evenings because he was away so much, and even when he was at home he would be working most nights until after she was in bed. When she's tired or poorly she wants me because I am the one constant.

I am her primary caregiver - and by that I mean that I was more often than not her only caregiver. Living with someone doesn't automatically mean they are able to settle a baby, and there are often valid reasons why only the primary is able to do it. My DH would have loved to have been able to settle DD - but he wasn't there enough. Rather than saying you'd be mightily pissed off if your DH couldn't settle your 6 month old be glad that your DH had the opportunity to be around enough that your child could be settled by him.

As we were overseas there were no GP automatically onhand. Most of the time it was just me, myself and I. I did go out, a couple of times - but I settled DD to bed first, and as she was a good sleeper that was ok. I wouldn't have taken her on an adults only night out at 6 months though. I'd either put her to bed first or stay at home.

RubyrooUK · 06/12/2012 23:54

Blimey. I've had this situation loads of times with my friends. I never even thought much about it; the people who wanted to bring their baby to evening events for whatever reason always did and those who didn't, didn't.

My friends have always been pretty easygoing though. I guess each of us have found different aspects of parenting easier or harder - I had a total bottle refuser; one friend had a bottle-fed baby who had terrible separation anxiety; another had a chilled out baby you could leave with anyone....so anything goes when we meet up really.

Personally I would probably have tried slipping out for two hours rather than take a baby to a loud meal. But coming to think about it, at 6mo that rarely worked as I did have a baby who couldn't wait two hours for a feed. So in the end, I probably would have said I couldn't come and my friends would have cajoled me to come out and told me to bring the baby along if I couldn't leave him.

So I think it doesn't really matter whether you are being reasonable or not, it's just how much you want to see your friend. Currently, she comes with baby attached, so it's down to whether you can feel that is worth it to see her.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2012 23:55

it wouldn't be appropraite for me to bring a baybee on account of my prediliction for copious quantities of wine...but everyon eelse can do what they want

more fool them...but hey unless my friend wanted me to mind her baby while she went on the pull, it ain't my problem

Bumblequeen · 06/12/2012 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 06/12/2012 23:55

It always astonishes me when people take their babies on adults nights out and regard it as appropriate. Be it in a restaurant, wherever. I think there should be a time in an evening that people can expect to go to a restaurant and not have other people's kids there.

A particular case in point was when DH and I were on holiday without our 4. We were recommended a restaurant on the beach. It was all a bit cheesy as there were 10 tables for 2 on the beach, looking at the ocean. But the food was fantastic. All was good until two separate couples turned up with their babies in tow. Baby 1 woke up and cried. Which woke Baby 2 up who cried. And all of a sudden there were 8 couples sat on the beach, having paid an arm and a leg for the privilege, listening to these 2 babies' screams echo around the Harbour. Completely bonkers.

All 4 of mine were EBF but I still managed to leave them at home. It's really not rocket science.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2012 23:58

Do you know what I find worse than a baby tagging along where it's not wanted ?

Partners sitting there smiling inanely and getting underfoot.

Don't bring your partners along to xmas do's, people, that is a much worse offense than a cute baby

FreudiansSlipper · 06/12/2012 23:59

where on holiday?

quite the norm in many countries for children to be out late at night with their parents while on holiday

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh · 06/12/2012 23:59

Also, it's a restaurant, not a nightclub. I don't know what restaurants some of you go to where there's a drunken rabble about to break out into chaos. I think the time is an issue though OP. 10pm is pretty late and I'd be more concerned for my friend getting tired, with being a relatively new mum, and if it was me booking the meal, knowing that bringing baby was a possibility, I'd have brought it forward.

ZebraInHiding · 06/12/2012 23:59

Having said all that, I would declineva work night out. Friends ok, work not. But that's because work is separate from family.

silvercup · 07/12/2012 00:00

YABU.

TheCraicDealer · 07/12/2012 00:00

If it were my mate I'd not say anything but actually be thinking "areyoufuckingkiddingme". A night out like that is something that most people would have been looking forward to for a long time, arranging childcare, posting on S&B for tips on what to wear, thinking about how much of a kid free laugh they're going to have with their friends they rarely get to see now. Then someone rolls up with a baby. Not cool, man! Totally changes the evening.

If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the wean, whatever the reason, she shouldn't go. But it doesn't seen to have occurred to get that bringing the wee one isn't appropriate.

Posterofapombear · 07/12/2012 00:01

And your really being quite horrible here.

You posted saying your friend shouldn't bring her baby and she should have tried harder to bf her and you can't see why people might think you are a bit controlling and judgemental?

You don't get to choose how other people deal with their babies. Tough luck.

Bumblequeen · 07/12/2012 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolaYuleA · 07/12/2012 00:02

AnyFucker - so true. I hate having to make conversation with some random OH who I have nothing in common with when really I want to be drunkenly shrieking with my mate about things only we find funny that he doesn't get.

Hyperballad · 07/12/2012 00:03

Well I've been to various restaurants and pubs since my PFB was born in July, my friends love him being with us.

I'm sure people judge me all the time, but I have a happy relaxed bf ebf baby and I don't care what other people think.

I haven't 'bothered' with a bottle either. It's a terrible thing that love being with my babe so much isn't it Confused

TheCatInTheHairnet · 07/12/2012 00:04

Freudians, Aruba.

And of COURSE it's normal to take your children out for dinner when you're on holiday. We do it all the time, but we choose the restaurants accordingly. Would I take them to a beach restaurant that had just 10 tables for 2? No, because that is completely bonkers.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 07/12/2012 00:05

If you are one of the posters who have said they'd be pissed off - why would you be pissed off, it's not as though you are being asked to do anything? It's not even as if the child is old enough to be running around or repeating everything you say - so there's not even the issue of minding what you say? The baby wont care if you are drinking tea or wine - teetotal or pissed out of your mind...so why do you care if she brings her baby?

I get why you wouldn't want to take your own Xmas Grin

OP: Have you made your mind up yet if you don't want the baby there for your sake or the baby's?