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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my friend to bring her 6mo to our Christmas meal?

999 replies

forbiddenfruit85 · 06/12/2012 21:25

Be prepared I have my judgey pants on.

We have organised our meal for the weekend before Christmas. Friend is bringing her 6mo baby because the one and only time she has left him, he refused to take the bottle.

She has since then never bothered to try again. My baby took ages to take to the bottle too so I know how hard it is, but I persisted and eventually we got there.

The table is booked for 8 and we will be there is probably at least 10 so its going to be late. The restaurant is fully booked so it's going to be noisy. I just don't feel this is a great environment for a baby.

aibu to not want her to bring him along?

(she has a bf and they live with his family so there isn't a shortage of people willing to look after him)

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/12/2012 00:21

that is LeQueens'

mathanxiety · 09/12/2012 01:20

I think it's incredibly easy when your babies are tiny to immerse yourself in your world and that of the baby. Fair enough, that is probably as it should be. However it is arrogant and short sighted to think that everybody is as smitten with your baby as you are. It is fair enough that she doesn't want to be parted from her baby but she has to accept that other people don't feel the same way.

You seem to think this is some silly, baby-addled woman who has allowed the motherhood thing to get the better of her and is incapable of doing anything but inflicting her offspring on anyone who is in her vicinity.

How about if everyone in the party were to assume the baby has nothing whatsoever to do with them at all and that the mother is simply looking forward to a nice evening in their company? Would that be unreasonable?

Is it unreasonable to think that someone else's decision could be a matter-of-fact one and have nothing to do with whatever response to the baby her friends might have? In other words, how hard is it for some folks to realise that it's not always all about them? How hard is for some people to assume there is no catch to the presence of a woman with her baby?

Would it occur to anyone in this party that this woman might love the prospect of a night out and is so used to having her baby with her that she doesn't give it a second thought, and would be most surprised if people made the baby the focus of their attention, or if it was revealed that they expected to be required to hold it or comfort it, or gush over it, etc? Most women whose babies are with them 24/7 are pretty used to handling baby-related issues and do it deftly.

It is fair enough that she doesn't want to be parted from her baby but she has to accept that other people don't feel the same way.

Why does she have to accept that? Why does she have to choose between her baby or her friends? Just because others have? She has to pay a price to stay in the club? When that goes on in playgrounds it is called bullying.

What if it was her MIL who was pressuring her to leave the baby for some MIL/family party occasion?

It is sad to see the implication that you become less of whatever you happened to be before you became a mother expressed on this thread. Surely you just add another dimension?

Spons · 09/12/2012 01:23

Let's hope that's the case eh? And let's hope the baby does stay asleep and doesn't scream the place down and all is lovely.

I'm sure it must be with many babies, just not those I encounter.

Original poster
forbiddenfruit85 · 09/12/2012 03:56

OMG, I can't believe this thread is still going, and having read it through i totally agree with star and mathanxiety, don't like how many bullying comments have been made to star. Leaves me feeling very uncomfortable that there seem to so many other unsupportive women around and whether you are/have breastfed or not, i think some of you should feel thoroughly ashamed of your bitchy remarks

I love how that word bullying gets thrown around so freely.

I am supportive of bf. I just think some of the phrases used were vom.

And to show off that you changed your baby on a bouncy castle and in court etc is just odd.

I for one do not feel ashamed in the slightest Geranium3

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/12/2012 04:24

No surprises there so.

saintlyjimjams · 09/12/2012 09:00

Op can you report back please after attending. I'm dying to know whether the baby is no problem or annoying, and how long the mother lasts and whether she has to feed at all. Also would like to know said baby is asleep the whole time or being irritating with cutlery (mine would have been irritating with cutlery at 6 months).

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 09/12/2012 09:27

OP.
My hat goes off to you on this thread. I wouldn't have been so fucking reasonable.

Some utter lunatics posting on here.

ArielTheBahHumbugMermaid · 09/12/2012 09:36

Hear bloody hear.

Fair play to you, OP.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/12/2012 09:46

Haven't read the whole thread - but if 6 months old is still ok to take a DC along to this kind of event - at what age is it no longer acceptable?

I had a three year old toddler who wasn't prepared to be apart from me -in the evenings; I tried once, but she didn't settle, so i didn't persist. Would it be OK to take a DC in that situation?

Now DD is 12, but I wouldn't leave her for that long in the evening alone; she's not happy being left and I'm not going to force the issue. Could she come with me?

helenthemadex · 09/12/2012 09:50

would you prefer your friend not to come? for her that may be the only other option

I haven't read the whole thread all 25 pages Hmm

helenthemadex · 09/12/2012 09:51

I mean 35 pages

Pinkforever · 09/12/2012 10:10

yes op please do update us.you have been far more polite than i would have been.if one of my friends suggested bringing a baby to an adults night out they would have been told flat out no....

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 09/12/2012 10:33

Blimey, this all went a bit mental didn't it?!
I am not sure it is a set in stone 'adults' night out, no one said so, and the woman organising, when asked by OP said 'yes, x is coming, and she's bringing the baby' she's organised it, and knows the baby's coming, so I don't think it's a given it's going to be a pissed up dance-a-thon everyone seems convinced it will be.

She 'can't' leave the baby, why is irrelevant, so the choice is come for a bit, with baby, or not come, the woman organising obviously would rather she came. It needn't impact on anyone else I'm sure the Mum will be conscious of other people and won't stay if the baby starts kicking off.
Really has made me think about how others may feel about 'my' kids being around :(

Turniphead1 · 09/12/2012 11:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MistressIggi · 09/12/2012 11:07

Pinkforever, it wouldn't be up to you though would it? The OP is not the organiser of the night out.

OTheHugeInDavidsManatee · 09/12/2012 11:20

I can't believe this thread has gone to 35 pages. OP, YANBU to want a child free evening, though I kind of agree with those who say don't make it about the baby if it's about wanting a grownup night out.

fruitstick · 09/12/2012 11:27

I also can't believe I'm still here. However, since I am can I add in here that, if a night out with friends, it should not be up to the 'organiser' to decide but the group as a whole - unless it is specifically the organiser's occasion.

Wink
AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 09/12/2012 11:32

What do you suggest then fruitstick? a vote?

scottishmummy · 09/12/2012 11:34

I agree with op,no baby shouldn't attend adult meal
only on mn would people vociferously advocate child should go on night out
as op says noisy,busy restaurant not best for baby or adult diners

fruitstick · 09/12/2012 11:36

Maybe an anonymous survey monkey Grin

I should point out that DH is going on a Dad's night out for Christmas which, last week, involved a planning meeting in the curry house - just to check everyone was happy with the plans.

(I realise that yes, we were all born yesterday)

EdgarAllanPond · 09/12/2012 11:52

someone elses baby at a meal = not my problem and none of my beeswax.

my own baby = my problem

i have no problem with children at evening events, so long as they aren't mine. actually having a quick cuddle with someone elses LO is nice.

then handing them back :)

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 09/12/2012 12:00

NotaDisneymum, you can't leave your 12 year old?
And I would feel exactly the same way if you brought her along as I would a baby.
it would be a bit worse actually, because I'd feel I'd have to watch everything I said.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 09/12/2012 12:05

But what if someone else said they wanted to bring their 2 year old or their 8 year old for whatever reason?
The dynamics if the evening change when there is a chid of any age is there.
It just does.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 09/12/2012 12:45

I'm not convinced a baby of 6 months would change the dynamics, a child of 8 or even 2 could end up saying 'more fucking rose over 'ere waiter' by the end of the meal, so that I wouldn't be comfortable around.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/12/2012 14:29

turnip and beagle - actually my DD will quite happily be left with family, sitter or on her own for short periods - my point was, that at some point, there must be an age cutoff, isn't there.

It seems that is at the point when the baby can mimic adult language - so it's ok to swear drunkenly in front of a 6 month old but not an 18 month old.

Personally, I'd accept that as a relatively new mum any workplace Xmas meals were off the agenda unless I could leave baby. It's not like its a family event Wink