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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my friend to bring her 6mo to our Christmas meal?

999 replies

forbiddenfruit85 · 06/12/2012 21:25

Be prepared I have my judgey pants on.

We have organised our meal for the weekend before Christmas. Friend is bringing her 6mo baby because the one and only time she has left him, he refused to take the bottle.

She has since then never bothered to try again. My baby took ages to take to the bottle too so I know how hard it is, but I persisted and eventually we got there.

The table is booked for 8 and we will be there is probably at least 10 so its going to be late. The restaurant is fully booked so it's going to be noisy. I just don't feel this is a great environment for a baby.

aibu to not want her to bring him along?

(she has a bf and they live with his family so there isn't a shortage of people willing to look after him)

OP posts:

StarOfLightMcKings3 · 08/12/2012 21:06

'I take my hat off to you Staroflight - I'd have been going crazy with lack of sleep and lack of any time at all to myself. It is perfectly possible to bf and have babies in bed in the evening and not feed throughout the night'

I agree. It has it's moments. I also agree that it is perfectly possibly to not to have to feed a 6 month baby every 40 minutes. It was true of one of my babies in fact. But it isn't true of this one currently.

TarkaTheOtter · 08/12/2012 21:11

I feel a bit sorry for the friend tbh. OP said earlier that the reason it was an evening rather than a lunch was because some people wouldn't be able to make a lunch and "why should everyone be inconvenienced for just one person"...
Also, that the restaurant was specifically chosen by the person organising the get together because it could fit a pushchair.
Doesn't sound like anyone else is planning a "here come the girls" outing. Sounds like it could have been a child friendly lunch but some people couldn't make it. Unless she can bring her baby, this friend can't make it. So if I've read it right, YABU.

scottishmummy · 08/12/2012 21:17

majority being available usually determines planning event.if most available then proceed
ive bowed out of events majority could attend, that i couldn't otherwise people would never get that one elusive date that suits all
if a pal were unavailable on date majority could do id hope they would understand and see us at another convenient time

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 21:17

LeQueen -- I would suppose the difference is that this mother would be presumably among friends and not people she got thrown in with by the sheer chance of being hired?

With friends like the OP, who needs enemies

Do feel free to bring up other threads I may have posted on if you feel that past form for disagreeing with you is evidence of some sort of dim-wittedness.
Don't be shy -- you've had plenty of fine moments I am sure.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 21:18

How about starting with the Irish luxury holiday debacle thread?

scottishmummy · 08/12/2012 21:19

what is the work do in ireland?
whats significance of ireland
are you traipsing up bad feeling from other threads

lovelyladuree · 08/12/2012 21:24

YANBU. It is an adult meal, and the whole dynamics of the evening will change if a baby is there. The baby is her accessory look how clever she is and I am sure it will still be breastfeeding in primary school because that is what she wants.

TandB · 08/12/2012 21:35

YANBU

I am a staunch believer in the fourth trimester theory. Both DSs were BF to a greater or lesser extent. Both spent most of their first few months in a sling - DS2 rarely emerged for the first few weeks except to go to bed at night. I co-slept part-time with DS1 and full-time with DS2.

I have always found babies portable and have, within reason, gone where I have wanted to go and done what I have wanted to do. With DS1, we lived a hundred yards from a quiet gastro-type pub and we often wandered along there in the evening when he was tiny - he would sleep in the sling or in his car seat. When he was teeny-tiny we went out and about quite a bit in the evening without any problems.

But even so, I wouldn't have taken either of them at 6 months old to a big group meal in a restaurant. It would have been unsettling for them and not particularly relaxing for me. And if I had managed to get out without my children, I would be a bit miffed if there was a baby to keep happy - it just wouldn't be as much of an opportunity to switch off and have adult time.

fruitstick · 08/12/2012 21:46

I can't believe this thread is still going. I'm also not sure why it's turned into a breastfeeding vs formula feeding bunfight.

If the baby was a newborn, then fair enough, the mother may not be able to leave him (I certainly couldn't with mine). However, by 6 months most babies should be able to be left for a few hours in the evening and should really be able to go without a feed. If this baby can't, for whatever reason, then that is a shame. However I do think the mother needs to accept that, for the time being, she is going to be restricted in what she did.

As a side issue I'd be more that her partner was not capable of looking after his own baby for a couple of hours.

The method of feeding has nothing to do with it, it is about respect for friends and the trouble people have been to.

If her friends have arranged a night out and gone to the trouble of arranging babysitters, organised things with partners etc so they could have a child free night then I can see why they would be annoyed that she'd chosen to bring the baby.

If it was a last minute emergency then that might be different but, as it's not, I do think it shows a level of self-absorption on her part.

ScampiFriesRuleOK · 08/12/2012 21:50

YANBU at all.

I've been in a similar position to you, OP, having left my own 16mo (at the time) DS at home for an extremely rare, overdue and well-earned work eve out (not even a crazy booze-fuelled do, just an evening bite to eat and a couple of glasses of wine), only to be greeted by an over-excited, over-familiar tweenage daughter of a colleague, who had been brought along without any consultation. It ruined the night for all of us, as it transformed the dynamics into something we'd neither wanted nor anticipated.

As much as we might love kids, some of us need and relish some adult-only time occasionally, and it's selfish of the OP's friend not to acknowledge this need of others, and not to act accordingly.

In any case, a six month old baby having no day/night routine, no bedtime, and no ability to go a few hours between feeds... at six months???

Jeez, that seems wierd and entirely chaotic to me. But then, mine was in a proper bedtime routine and sleeping just about through the night by then. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking him on a night out on the lash! He got fed, tucked-in, then left with in my mum's capable hands whilst DH and I had an adult eve out. With adults.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 21:53

SM -- Since LeQueen decided mentioning other threads where she has 'encountered' me would be fun I thought I would refer to one particularly memorable one in case she wanted a pleasant walk down memory lane.

Work do's in Ireland neither here nor there.

It is an adult meal, and the whole dynamics of the evening will change if a baby is there. The baby is her accessory look how clever she is and I am sure it will still be breastfeeding in primary school because that is what she wants.
Is this the post of an adult?

Here we have both resentment of a baby (who could only be there to show off and steal attention, make the evening all about the baby and by extension its mother) and the casting of aspersions on exclusive breastfeeding and this woman's choice to feed her baby in whatever way works for her, for as long as it works for her, and wherever it works for her.

Who would dare to admit to breastfeeding in front of a group of friends like this woman?

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 21:59

The method of feeding has nothing to do with it, it is about respect for friends and the trouble people have been to. If her friends have arranged a night out and gone to the trouble of arranging babysitters, organised things with partners etc so they could have a child free night then I can see why they would be annoyed that she'd chosen to bring the baby.

Alternatively, if the friends thought much of the breastfeeding mother they might have chosen to get out at a time when restaurants are not crammed and noisy and when the mother would not therefore arouse such ire on the part of the OP. Are there two ways of looking at the issue of who should be annoyed?

And people would only be annoyed if they resented this woman getting away with something they didn't have the nerve to try -- bringing the baby.

If it costs so much and is such a major hassle to get everyone out for a meal before Christmas then is it really worth it? What are people trying to prove by jamming themselves into a restaurant and getting plastered? That they still have their mojo? Pathetic is the word for that.

catsrus · 08/12/2012 22:07

Blimey - reading this has been sadly compelling...

If I was meeting a group of friends for a meal and one could only come if she brought her baby (for whatever reason) i would rather she came and brought her baby than not come. Clearly some people think "going out for a meal" before christmas inevitably involves dancing on tables and copious amounts of alcohol - I must live in a parallel universe as that's not my expectation of going out for a meal with friends .

fruitstick · 08/12/2012 22:12

mathanxiety I disagree. I think it's incredibly easy when your babies are tiny to immerse yourself in your world and that of the baby. Fair enough, that is probably as it should be.

However it is arrogant and short sighted to think that everybody is as smitten with your baby as you are. It is fair enough that she doesn't want to be parted from her baby but she has to accept that other people don't feel the same way.

My children were all breastfed, co-slept etc and by the time they were 6 months old I was desperate to the point of weeping for a night out by myself without them - especially at Christmas when the world was full of people having glamorous parties etc.

It doesn't make everyone baby haters, or anti- family and it doesn't mean that they are just too chicken to try taking the baby. They just don't want to.

fruitstick · 08/12/2012 22:15

cut catsrus, she is choosing to bring the baby. She could leave it at home but doesn't want to. That is different.

To turn it on its head. Seven of my friends have organised a lovely night out at a restaurant and have all arranged baby sitters so they can relax. I would rather leave the baby for a few hours rather than not go.

ifancyashandy · 08/12/2012 22:16

It's not that a night out at Christmas has to involve copious alcohol & dancing on tables but the possibility that it could turn into a Big Night Out should be there.

The presence of a baby would curtail that. Inevitably. Most people are respectful in the presence of a baby. On this kind of occasion, I would rather not factor that in with regards to my drinking / behaviour.

autumnlights12 · 08/12/2012 22:18

that sort of evening out is definitely a grownups only occasion.
Hell, we all need time with our friends, or on our own, without kids.
I EBF my eldest two for over a year (not as long with the youngest) and couldn't express, so only went out once they were sleeping through (3-6 months) and locally, so if they woke in need of a feed, I could be back home in 10 minutes. I needed that time to have an exclusively grownup conversation and not talk about my wonderful and perfect but I can discuss other things children.
And even if the baby sleeps through the entire night, the presence of a baby inevitably changes the dynamics.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 08/12/2012 22:58

Math, agree with you on many threads and disagree on just as many.
As for this one I stated my opinion long before LeQueen got involved, so why are you not having a dig at me and bringing up past threads or is it just her you have a problem with?
Can you just keep this debate to this thread please.
And IMO you're wrong, just keep your baby away from adult Christmas nights out.
Simples.

MistressIggi · 08/12/2012 22:59

Lovelyladuree, did you forget the wink at the end of your comment? Because you surely couldn't have genuinely extrapolated from a baby being fed at 6 months, that they would be fed in primary school?

I have the choices this week of not going out at all, going out with 6 month old baby, or leaving same at home and spending the meal imagining him sobbing at home - not guesswork as that is what he's done the last 3 times I've left him in the evening, for shorter periods. I do not think I am "clever" because my baby only wants me at the moment, I think I am stuck and knackered, but what can I do, but wait for the next phase.

WinkyWinkola · 08/12/2012 22:59

"I am sure it will still be breastfeeding in primary school"

Eh? What kind of moronic projection is that from one night out? Plank!

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 08/12/2012 23:13

Has this just become a bf/ff thread?
Or, as I thought, a thread about taking a baby on a Christmas night out?
Because if it's the former, I'm out of here.

MistressIggi · 08/12/2012 23:36

They all end up being about bf/ff in the end. Or shoes on/shoes off.

fruitstick · 09/12/2012 00:00

surely she's not proposing turning up barefoot as well

MistressIggi · 09/12/2012 00:11

Whilst discussing merits of private schools and bumsex

mathanxiety · 09/12/2012 00:20

If you want me to have a dig at you I will, but imo your posts lack the 'smack me' invitation that seem written all over LeQueen's.

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