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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my friend to bring her 6mo to our Christmas meal?

999 replies

forbiddenfruit85 · 06/12/2012 21:25

Be prepared I have my judgey pants on.

We have organised our meal for the weekend before Christmas. Friend is bringing her 6mo baby because the one and only time she has left him, he refused to take the bottle.

She has since then never bothered to try again. My baby took ages to take to the bottle too so I know how hard it is, but I persisted and eventually we got there.

The table is booked for 8 and we will be there is probably at least 10 so its going to be late. The restaurant is fully booked so it's going to be noisy. I just don't feel this is a great environment for a baby.

aibu to not want her to bring him along?

(she has a bf and they live with his family so there isn't a shortage of people willing to look after him)

OP posts:
PessaryPam · 08/12/2012 14:04

You can see why mathanxiety named herself though SteamingNit Xmas Grin

EggNogRules · 08/12/2012 14:05

Her wishes are that she is kept with her child. The baby will be there because that is where the mum wants to be. She is putting herself first by going out; to that venue and on that date and time.

There is an alternative to going out.

AmIthatTinselly · 08/12/2012 14:11

Wow mathanxiety is there any need to be so personal and so unpleasant to the OP. Shock

Do you have history

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 14:11

Is it wrong to put herself first?

I thought that putting yourself first, making the baby take the bottle to enable the mother to have a 'life' were all considered admirable things by many on this thread?

Now I am puzzled because apparently it is not the thing to do -- a mother should be a martyr and stay home with her baby.

Xmas Confused and Xmas Hmm

LoopsInHoops · 08/12/2012 14:12

Dear fucking lord, so now mothers of EBF babies are to stay in forever more past 7pm?

This obsession with children being in beds by 7 is a bullshit British concept that marks us as the uptight and precious nationality that others think we are.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 14:13

Did you see me quote the OP there, AmIthatTinselly?

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 14:14

I agree with that LoopsInHoops. A little horizon broadening would go a long way.

LoopsInHoops · 08/12/2012 14:15

And heaven knows what the pearl clutching masses on this thread think of myself and others who take their kids to music festivals...

AmIthatTinselly · 08/12/2012 14:17

A quick search finds

needy
resentful
rude
self centred
incredibly unpleasant
jealous

all directed at the OP.

jumpingjane · 08/12/2012 14:19

mathanxiety- in my opinion the concept 'fourth trimester' is poorly named and only applies to the first three months after birth in any case. As I said earlier on the thread, by 6 months, babies do not physically need to be fed all the time, whether breast or bottle fed.

'And people wonder why breastfeeding rates in Britain are so low.'

Are you directing this at me? Perhaps you could explain this remark a bit more fully. Are you implying that the reason that bf rates are not higher is because people like the OP are not tolerant enough of babies?

I am very pro breast feeding and have breast fed all my 4 DC. I have also rarely left them even for a short time during the first 6 months (by choice) and afterwards only to return to work.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 14:19

And your problem with all that is...?

PickledInAPearTree · 08/12/2012 14:21

Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!

EggNogRules · 08/12/2012 14:21

I don't think people are generally saying there should be a watershed for mothers (BF or not). This is a specific date, time and event and that what makes THIS instance unsuitable.

LoopsInHoops · 08/12/2012 14:25

"This is a specific date, time and event and that what makes THIS instance unsuitable. "

eh?

AmIthatTinselly · 08/12/2012 14:26

No problem mathanxiety , merely posting an opinion that you are being very personal towards the OP.

But if that makes you feel good, go for it

Pinkforever · 08/12/2012 14:27

The fourth trimester? that might just be the wankiest thing I have ever read on mn...

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 14:32

The concept of exclusive breastfeeding by itself, along with the concommitant concept of the fourth trimester, involves embracing the fact that babies do not breastfeed purely for physical nourishment, so the idea that a baby of 6 months who is breastfed could and should be left at home and fed from a bottle does not square with the concept of EBF.

'Perhaps you could explain this remark a bit more fully. Are you implying that the reason that bf rates are not higher is because people like the OP are not tolerant enough of babies?'

Yes that is exactly what I am implying. And I am also implying that it seems women are very prone to making harsh judgements of the choices of other women, disparaging them for not doing what is 'expected' of them it is very clear that what is expected of them is to persevere with the bottle in order not to upset their friends by bringing their offensive babies out for an evening. Any other choice bringing the baby with you or staying home with the baby -- and you run the risk of being gossiped about and called a martyr behind your back.

At the same time, there is a chorus of 'babies should be in bed by [insert ungodly early hour here]' bleating in the background.

Women police each other's choices in this appalling way and the end result is a culture that shuts breastfeeding women and their babies away at home.

forevergreek · 08/12/2012 14:40

can i just ask, when you all go on holiday, are you all cooped up in a hotel room by 7pm eating leftover breakfast rolls so baby doesnt get disturbed?

of course not, the v earliest most places serve dinner is 6.30/7 pm, usually 8pm abroad. babies adapt, and many live in different countries and arent in bed by 7pm

PickledInAPearTree · 08/12/2012 14:40

So your saying no one should be leaving a 6 month old at home at 8pm to go out for a meal?

What crap.

PickledInAPearTree · 08/12/2012 14:42

We are not talking about a family holiday are we or a festival or what ever else people are dredging up.

We are specifically talking about a fully booked restaurant on the weekend before Christmas which the op has given the impression will be a tad raucous and rightly so.

NettoHoHoHoSuperstar · 08/12/2012 14:48

I took DD out in the evenings, I also sometimes left her with a babysitter.
It's not the time, it's the situation, and this particular one in inappropriate.

EggNogRules · 08/12/2012 14:50

In response to a comment by loops asking if all babies should be in bed by 7.

I don't think that should be the case. I think that there is an alternative to going out. In the acoustic example as set outby the OP, it is better for the mother and a baby she doesn't want to be separated from to start home.

Also, I think to take the baby to this event is selfish.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2012 14:55

'So your saying no one should be leaving a 6 month old at home at 8pm to go out for a meal?
What crap.'

No, what I am saying is that no-one should bat an eyelid at a mother's choice. It is the policing and not the details of individual decisions that I am concerned with.

When it comes to how they deal with their babies, women should not make rules for others -- so no, I am not saying 'no one should..' or 'everyone should..'

It is the idea that women feel they are entitled to make motherhood rules for others that is wrong here.

newpencilcase · 08/12/2012 14:56

Well. YABU for thinking that she should make the baby take a bottle. DS2 never did and this included me going away to a wedding and him having to be spoonfed milky yoghurt for 24 hours Hmm.

However YANBU to not want her to bring the baby on night out. My nights out are precious and babies are what I'm looking to get away from Grin. Not sure you can say anything though.

LoopsInHoops · 08/12/2012 14:57

But it's a restaurant. Yes, it might be busier than a Tuesday afternoon in February, but it's hardly a heavy metal concert, is it?

If the premise of those saying it is selfish to take the baby are saying so because they don't like having babies around, that is (selfish but) fine to hold that opinion. However, a lot of people on this thread are saying it is unfair to the baby, which is total bullshit.