To have thought this was racist

[turnip2012]

Ex was dropping off my ds earlier, at which point ex and dp were talking and it became a little heated. Dp kept getting cut off by ex interrupting him, at which point dp said "you're not even listening to me, maybe if you get your bloody afro out your ears you'll hear me better" (ex is part african). Dp is saying he felt ex wasn't listening as was responding with unrelated points. I felt the reference to his afro was racist, AIBU?

[takataka]

IMO and IME

[HolyBrrrrrrBatman]

'IMOit is a complete waste of time when faced with someone starting at such a low level of comprehension of the issues, who is only interested in reasserting their viewpoint '

I'm sure you're right. What is unfair is you inferring that about me. How do you know I'm not open to listening to your viewpoint? You've refused to tell me your view.

[anklebitersmum]

I'm just sitting back and waiting for the OP to say actually my current DP isn't (as everyone has automatically assumed) white but is in fact Jamacian and therefore entitled to say get your bloody afro out of your ears because he has a tidy one.

[takataka]

OP has said her dp is MR hasn't she?

[TiredBooyhoo]

where does the term afro come from? i am completely ignorant of it's history but it sound as though it may be related to the word african. apologies if i'm wrong.

[TiredBooyhoo]

i think OP said her EX is part african. not sure about her current DP.

[HolyBrrrrrrBatman]

@ anklebiter

[turnip2012]

"Because you would not have been in the position of knowing how he would react."
Quite right, just as you don't know how ANY stranger is going to react to a comment that clearly has a point to it. Then add to this the taboo and eggshell walking that must be done around black people, which exists purely because of this misconception of racism, and there you have fear of offending a person when talking about ANYTHING associated with them purely because they are black - THAT is what I am saying is ridiculous.
You did it because you thought you would get away with it."
No. I did it because he wasn't listening....
And btw the word... is unkeMpt - It does infer a slightly different meaning and maybe this is why you think I am being racist by implying that untidy afros make you unable to hear? If this is the case then please re-read my posts (Also i invite a lot of you to reread the post at some of your comments make it clear you didn't fully understand what I have said).


"If he had not been African, I'm sure my sentence would have gone something like.....
So you are admitting that you adjusted your insult/comment to fit in with his ethnicity?"

NO - You are confusing the causality. His ethnicity doesn't come into it. It is because he HAS an afro which was in such a state that it was covering his ears! My hypothetical situation is this: If he was, say, Caucasian with fluffy hair that was in a mess and covering his ears the comment would have been related to that! The race thing doesn't even come into the decision to mention what style of hair he has.

Internet froze and gave me chance to see this last page of comments so sorry if what i wrote above seems late. Haha that would turn a few stomachs on here (and for no racist reasons ugh) if i was indeed jamaican :p but alas no I belong to the pasty brigade of caucasians :p

[AmberLeaf]

Then add to this the taboo and eggshell walking that must be done around black people, which exists purely because of this misconception of racism, and there you have fear of offending a person when talking about ANYTHING associated with them purely because they are black - THAT is what I am saying is ridiculous

That exists in your head and the heads of others like you only.

You are digging yourself deeper and showing your true colours TBH.

[Kalisi]

How can you claim that ethnicity doesn't come into it when you said in your own words that if he wasn't part African you would have said something different? If you had instead said " lf he did not have an afro, I would have said something a little different" then this attitude would not have shone through quite so clearly in the post.
Maybe you are the one getting confused? Maybe you did not intend to word it that way?
The point that many people are trying to make is that descriptions and phrases are not necessarily in themselves racist. Coupled with a certain attitude however (as poppy explained very adequately in a previous post) gives these 'casualitys' a different meaning entirely.

[turnip2012]

Yep better address that part - that was a mistake. I meant if he had not had an afro then i wouldn't have said it. Fair enough I didn't see that I'd written just about him being african, DP just pointed it out after reading it back to me (i'd thought you were paraphrasing my words and leaving out the 'and had an afro' which I thought i'd put in)

[takataka]

see, there is no taboo and eggshell walking to be done, unless you have racist thoughts, is there?

you were in an argument and you used the mans racial identity to attack him

you can argue all you like that you would have said the same to a white guy. We cant prove otherwise can we. But I know, and you know that you wouldnt have.

if you are a decent guy and this was a genuine mistake, then I would advise you look deep and hard at the impact throw-away comments like this might have on your step-son. I am presuming that you love him and care about his sense of identity/ self-esteem

[takataka]

this misconception of racism

can you explain why you think racism is a misconception?

[turnip2012]

I think its pretty obvious thats what i meant by later posts but yeah saying that had he not been part african i wouldn't have said it would have been racist i agree as that would infer the causality. For all my meticulous writing i missed what was probably the most vital bit to miss. Apologies! but still many of my other posts have unreasonable responses to them so please make sure you read it all because a lot of stuff is getting regurgitated here that isn't relevant.

[turnip2012]

takataka: When one person, usually a third party, thinks they know what racism is and usually point out that something is racist when it in fact isn't. Like this example: Telling someone to get their afro out of their ears is not racist but a third party, or in this case my DP, thought it was and so brought it up - and now we have this debate (which has caused heated feelings for some it seems).

[takataka]

if you are talking about the impact it has on your stepson being irrelevant because he didnt hear this incident, you are wrong. You can be as sure as shit he will pick up on your general attitude of 'racism is a misconception'

[turnip2012]

This is exactly what i mean by people not understanding what i am saying - the way you phrase that- "an you explain why you think racism is a misconception?" implies that you believe I think racism doesn't exist... No offence but that's a bit degrading considering we are quite obviously discussing racism as an entity...

[GhostShip]

I'm fucking scared of saying anything these days in case it's misconstrued.

My friend gets shit all the time because she has ginger hair. She deals with it. If you receive a comment about Afro hair, you've got it so deal with it. It's not racism. Just because its specific to one race doesn't mean it can't be mentioned.

[takataka]

your DP thought it was racist. Many people here agree with her.

you used the mans racial identity in an argument to attack him

you did not use his hair...hair does not hinder hearing. It would not occur to anyone to tell someone with long hair to pull it away from their ears so they could hear properly. Do you use mens appearance to attack them in arguements usually? I doubt it.

[turnip2012]

and furthermore to add to your earlier comment - about there being no taboo and eggshells over racism. I am pretty certain your scope (as i have encountered before here) is limited to only the UK. If you had an idea of the racism issue in the US then you really wouldn't be saying that it only exists in my head.

[PoppyAmex]

A few people, including the OP's DP mentioning "fear of saying anything"...

Funnily enough, I can honestly say I have never felt that fear you speak of, but that's because I know I would use a racial slur.

[PoppyAmex]

eeek! worst kind of typo

I know I wouldn't use a racial slur.

[turnip2012]

OK so I briefly play off a quick comment about him not being able to hear me as his hair is a mess (which happens to be an afro so I say it as such) and now I'm the one "us[ing] the mans racial identity in an argument to attack him"!? and you have the audacity to say there is no taboo or eggshells?

I very much may well have said, or might even still in future say, that a guy with long hair should move it aside if he kept interrupting me and not hearing me..

I don't think you have the capacity for valid reasoning. If your next comment is an illogical i will consider it your open admission of surrender from this debate as you have offered all you can.

[turnip2012]

Seems the typos are coming out now- must be getting tired.. If your next comment is AS illogical...

[Pendeen]

The OP's new DP had an argument with her ex DP which, as has been admitted, was heated. Lots more involved there than just two men arguing...

Reasoned debate very likely flew straight out of the window so it's very hard to determine if the OP's AIBU is valid or not.