To have thought this was racist

[turnip2012]

Ex was dropping off my ds earlier, at which point ex and dp were talking and it became a little heated. Dp kept getting cut off by ex interrupting him, at which point dp said "you're not even listening to me, maybe if you get your bloody afro out your ears you'll hear me better" (ex is part african). Dp is saying he felt ex wasn't listening as was responding with unrelated points. I felt the reference to his afro was racist, AIBU?

[GhostShip]

Good point :)

I hate it when people debate trivially about racism, picking at little things that weren't meant in a racist way but obviously someone will find it racist because there's always someone.

Nothing like what happened to my friends husband the other day in the post office. He is white, so obviously their child is mixed of them both. A little old lady came cooing at the pram, saw the baby and said with horror, 'eurgh, what is it? It's brown!' Honestly I couldn't believe it when he told me, I can't believe someone could be so ignorant spiteful and hurtful.

I know there's subtle racism (unlike that incident), but I think in cases like this where it wasn't meant that way and probably not taken that way, we should be concentrating on the 'real' racism that's going on out there, not the overly politically correct balls that its generally spawned by white people anyway

[Shelby2010]

This thread has been on my mind all afternoon (yes, it's been a dull day). At first I thought the comment was not racist as a long afro is a hair style choice rather than something intrinsic to black/mixed-race people. And also was a correct description of the exP.

However, the DP clearly was making the comment in a derogatory manner, and therefore it was racist in that afros are normally only associated with black people. In the same way that if you said 'Get your grey hair out of your ears' to an elderly person it would be interpreted as a dig about their age. The fact that it is true that their hair is grey is irrelevant, as is the fact that some young people have grey hair. If the dig wasn't meant to happen there would be no description of the hair.

It sounds like the DP did not mean to be racist, but if he uses a racial characteristic (ie hair type) in a negative manner than he should expect this to be open to misinterpretation.

[TiredBooyhoo]

but ghostship what point does having a black friend make in proving you aren't being racist? it doesn't prove that something you said isn't racist at all. it's just a fact that you have a black friend. I know loads of sexist men who are married to women they say they love. do you think them saying "i cant be sexist i'm married to a woman" proves that they can't possible have said a sexist thing?

[AmberLeaf]

And no I wasn't racist, I was wrongly being accused of racism. But I don't like the implication that, because ive been accused of racism, that I must only be friends with her because she is black and its sort of my back up

That isn't what I'm saying.

My point was that it is a common cliche that people who say racist things use when they are called on their racism.

This is interesting

[AmberLeaf]

Ghostship all racism is real racism.

Allowing the so called casual racism to stand means the more in your face kind can happen.

I hate it when people debate trivially about racism, picking at little things that weren't meant in a racist way but obviously someone will find it racist because there's always someone

It may be trivial to you, but it isn't to me or my children or anyone else I know who has been affected by it their entire lives.

[OurPlanetNeptune]

Amen Tired. I honestly do not get that. I can tell you that my DH (white) has never used me as an example of his lack of racial prejudice, nor have any of my white best friends because (and yes I have discussed this with them) it has never come up. They have never said anything likely to be construed as racist.

I'm fucking scared of saying anything these days in case it's misconstrued.
No, none of my friends would ever come up this pile of bollocks either. As PoppyAmex said so well in her post of 15.33
Funnily enough, I can honestly say I have never felt that fear you speak of, but that's because I know I would [not] use a racial slur.

Not all racism is overt, I would even suggest that the subtle kind expressed by the the OP's DP is just as damaging because it is patronising, constant unaware and the casual racist is convinced that they are not racist thus giving themselves carte blanche to continue espousing their prejudice riddled nonsense.

I know black people who continue to have close friendships with people who display these prejudices. I personally do not understand it. But hear this an acquaintance with a black person DOES NOT nullify a person's racism. Do not kid yourself.

As a mother of mixed-race children I feel very sorry for the OP son to have this man as a potential stepfather.

[GhostShip]

The thing I was called racist for was because I used the term 'half cast'. I didn't know it wasn't right anymore, especially when my black friends used it. That's what I meant by what I'm saying being misconstrued.

[takataka]

And ghost, are you interested to hear why most people do consider that term offensive?

[takataka]

John Agard - Half Caste

Excuse me
standing on one leg
I?m half-caste.

Explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when Picasso
mix red an green
is a half-caste canvas?
explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when light an shadow
mix in de sky
is a half-caste weather?
well in dat case
england weather
nearly always half-caste
in fact some o dem cloud
half-caste till dem overcast
so spiteful dem don?t want de sun pass
ah rass?
explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean tchaikovsky
sit down at dah piano
an mix a black key
wid a white key
is a half-caste symphony?

Explain yuself
wha yu mean
Ah listening to yu wid de keen
half of mih ear
Ah looking at yu wid de keen
half of mih eye
an when I?m introduced to yu
I?m sure you?ll understand
why I offer yu half-a-hand
an when I sleep at night
I close half-a-eye
consequently when I dream
I dream half-a-dream
an when moon begin to glow
I half-caste human being
cast half-a-shadow
but yu must come back tomorrow
wid de whole of yu eye
an de whole of yu ear
an de whole of yu mind.

an I will tell yu
de other half
of my story.

[takataka]

www.bbc.co.uk/learningzone/clips/john-agard-half-caste/10299.html

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half_Caste_(poem)

[takataka]

[ Bi-Racial Hair Zora Howard]]

[takataka]

[LDNmummy]

If you want a relationship with your DP OP, that is fine and no one can tell you otherwise, its your right and choice.

But as a mixed heritage person, I would say keep him away from your child before he damages your child's self esteem and self perception. Its hard enough to be of mixed heritage without having an in denial racist hanging around your home.

[GhostShip]

Takata- I've already been educated to why its not used anymore. But the fact is using it didnt make me a racist. People had always used it, including my black friends. So it's that sort of things I'm worried a obout happening.

Just like 'coloured' was once the done thing and people thought it was polite.

You can say things that people might think are racist without being a racist.

[MadeInChinaBaby]

takataka at 'england weather/ nearly always half-caste'.

[MadeInChinaBaby]

OP's DP:

I'll repeat my comment from earlier:

If I was in an argument with someone and they said 'open your eyes', that would not be racist.

If they said 'open your bloody slant-eyes', can you see how that would be racist? If not, I give up here. If so, why? How is it racist? Can you explain it, OP's DP?

[GreatOdinsRaven]

As a fellow afro wearer, I wouldn't have found it racist but a personal dig about a style choice I've made, which is fair game in an argument I'd say.

Surely if you have an ostentatious hairstyle then there will be comments...

Is your dp racist? Surely you would know? Assuming he's a step parent to your (mixed race?) children.

Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick?

[anklebitersmum]

[ Doc Brown]

Couldn't find the reality programme where the big, black Liverpudlian went to a party in a KKK outfit.

[anklebitersmum]

[takataka]

ghost you were called on using a racist comment; took on board the reasons why it is not acceptable and decided not to use the term again because it is offensive?

If you had dismissed the reasons why the term is now considered racist and teh people who are offended and continued to excercise your rights to say whatever you like, because you dont deem the term racist; then you would be racist huh?

madeinchina its a great poem i think! And Zora Howard is so powerful; she is only 15 years old I think in that clip

[anklebitersmum]

GreatOdinsRaven

I don't think so but (and here's the irony) I'm in the minority [mirth]

[anklebitersmum]

takataka so were the black friends who used half-caste in her company equally racist or is it ok for them to use that term? Or is that skin tone dependant?

[MadeInChinaBaby]

But, GreatOdinsRaven, is it a style choice? Genuine question, btw. Is is an 'ostentatious hairstyle', or is it hair in its natural state?

[takataka]

mixed race people experience prejudice from black people.

No it is never ok to describe someone in a way that they find offensive. people define themselves

there are some people who arent offended by half caste. They are in the minority, and it is widely accepted that it is an out dated and unacceptable term. So wouldnt you just want to avoid offending someone and not use it?

[AmberLeaf]

Anyone who uses the term half cast is at best out of touch/ignorant of why it is offensive and at worst racist. That goes for anyone of any ethnicity