To have thought this was racist

[turnip2012]

Ex was dropping off my ds earlier, at which point ex and dp were talking and it became a little heated. Dp kept getting cut off by ex interrupting him, at which point dp said "you're not even listening to me, maybe if you get your bloody afro out your ears you'll hear me better" (ex is part african). Dp is saying he felt ex wasn't listening as was responding with unrelated points. I felt the reference to his afro was racist, AIBU?

[AmberLeaf]

Badgersbottom, how predictable! we were just saying someone will come along and say something about white men with afros soon!

White men are not known for afros are they?

Oh yes, we are desperate to find racism as it enriches our lives so much. what a stupid thing to say.

[BadgersBottom]

Meh. I think your diktat that this was racism was stupid. Incredibly stupid. Actually.

[AmberLeaf]

Yes MrsD, there will always be someone to say that its the fault of the victim of racism for being offended! if only they could just take a 'joke' eh

[OneHandWavingFree]

He was trying to win an argument / demonstrate his superiority by making a derisive comment about a physical trait associated with your ex's race.

On what planet is that not racist? It's not the most offensive thing a person could say, but as other posters have pointed out it is still a big deal, because he's living with your DS who, I presume, is also mixed-race.

Your DP needs to realise that scoring points by putting down someone's ethnic features is completely unacceptable, and is likely to undermine your child's confidence and potentially make him (your ds) resent you for making him share his childhood home with someone who does not respect his racial identity.

[whistlestopcafe]

I think it was a racist remark. Substitute Afro with turban. That doesn't sound too good does it?

I'm amazed that some posters found the remark funny.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

Does x actually have an Afro?

[greenplastictrees]

Yes I think it was racist. The reason is quite clearly your ex's hair (I'm guessing) wasn't in his ears therefore stopping him hearing. Your DP was using a characteristic of him being black as an insult.

I also agree with Amber's very wise son. It's comments like that which could lead to your son feeling insecure about his colour, especially if you, your
partner and any other children are white.

Your partner probably didn't mean to be racist though but it is something to be aware of in future.

[turnip2012]

His hair was in his ears, and it is afro but not a "tight" afro if that makes sense? Quite unkempt and was around his ears. Ds has my (very flat, fine!) hair and is white (mixed race but looks Caucasian), although that of course doesn't make the issue any less serious.

[LastMangoInParis]

So if DP had said 'take your hair out of your ears' then you'd not have had to start the thread, turnip?

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

Yeah, I think it was racist and very unpleasant.

[GanglyGiraffe]

I would class that comment as casual racism that ignorant people try and pass off as a 'joke'.

[VolumeOfACone]

I think it was clearly racist.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I would twitch if someone said that in my hearing in an "oh my god I can't believe s/he said that" kind of way. I would if it was substituted for turban or even comments made about ginger hair. Those kinds of comments are inappropriate and offensive. They are intended to as such by the person saying them.

Regardless of how it was meant,your DP really shouldn't be speaking to the father of your children or indeed anybody in such a way. He is an adult not a child.

[hmc]

It was a racist comment. And BadgersBottom "stupid, incredibly stupid" right back at you

[GaramMasalaGirl]

I definitely regard it as a rude AND racist comment op.

are some of you so desperate to find a bit of racism for the day

Oh yes, us 'PC lot' don't have jobs or bills to pay, or children to feed or washing to put on...hoh no, we spend hours on the net or stalk the streets looking for a 'bit of racism'...because it's sooo fulfilling.

[Bogeyface]

Just asked H, who is Jamaican and he said that he wouldnt have been happy if somone said that to him.

He said that the minute you resort to insults and any sort of "ism" you have immediately lost your argument.

Then he called your DP a wanker, but I think the irony was lost on him tbh :o

[TiredBooyhoo]

does your EXp have an afro?

[Bogeyface]

"Take your hair out of your ears" would have been fine, everyone (well most people) have hair.

Referring to his afro is referring to something only black or mixed race people have, and therefore is a race issue.

[Bogeyface]

Yes he does Tired the OP has explained above.

[izzyishavingababyAGAIN]

Id be more concerned about why DP and exh were rowing in front of DS than what they actually said tbh.

[TiredBooyhoo]

sorry, i see that he does.

i agree with amber and mrsd etc. i think it's racist and not good for your child to be hearing this.

[suburbophobe]

Even if your DS looks caucasian, he will be aware that he has African blood, so yes, a comment like that will make him very uncomfortable (eventually - you don't state his age).

I have a half African DS myself.

[HolyBrrrrrrBatman]

An afro is a hair style.

OP's ex has this hair style.

It covers his ears.

'if you get your bloody afro out your ears you'll hear me better' is therefore rude, but not racist.

If the OP's ex didn't have an afro then I could see why it could considered racist.

If OP's ex had a long Justin Bieber style fringe and he'd said 'if you get your hair out your eyes you could see me better' would that be racist?

What is OP's ex had dreadlocks or pigtails or one of those hats with bits that cover your ears? Would it be racist, no. It's descriptive and rude, but not racist.

[turnip2012]

Cheeky post from 'DP' here:

Wont address all your points but just wanted to put a word in. I appreciate some of you like to make statements such as 'this shouldn't be going on in front of DS" and "act adult" etc but that is getting a bit off topic, and a little presumptuous. Just for info it wasn't exactly a fully fledged row it probably lasted about two minutes tops of heated debate and DS (DP'sS) was not with us at the time (wouldn't have happened if he was).

I'll stand by the fact that it's not racist for the simple reason that it is not racist. The whole replacing words game doesn't exactly work because the last time I checked sikh's didn't grow their own turbans(even in the context you imply its still not racist) and gingers aren't a race. If he had not been part african I'm sure my sentence would have gone a little something like "...maybe if you got your bloody mop/dreadlocks/frizzy hair/combover/toupee out your ears..." so which ethnic group has a monopoly on each of those?

The misinterpretation and representation of racism, along with the taboo of religion, are two of the most ridiculously blown out of proportion subjects of today. I will not be a part of this (excuse my language) pussyfooting around when dealing with these issues. To make an isolated comment about his hair, which happens to be an afro, being in his ears is in no way racist. It doesn't imply that because he has an afro he can't hear properly and thus as an extension all people with afros have lesser hearing abilities (which even though it sounds like it still does not constitute racism, just ignorant stereotyping). IMO its by trying to avoid the correct word that you create the racism - e.g if you want your coffee without milk guess what that's black! If I had said "...maybe if you got your bloody hair out your ears..." by being less specific coupled with the fact that he is part african with an afro allows scope for the idea that it could have been racially directed.

Sorry for the ridiculously long post, got interrupted a few times having to see to DP'sS and lost my train of thought. I think I got my point across and I hope you can see where I'm coming from... Either way I know there'll be some interesting reading in the morning :p

Thanks for your responses so far!
-Original 'DP'