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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get on with our lives now

150 replies

WantsALife · 13/11/2012 09:57

DP and I have been living together for a year now, and are thinking about starting a family. We're currently renting a nice place, but I want to get us settled in our own home before we start TTC.

DP is quite careful with money (though is generous), and says he wants to wait, because in his words 'the housing market is due for a big drop and I'm not handing over my hard earned to pay off other peoples mortgages'. We're in our early thirties, and he has saved up about 90k (I have about 20k). We both have reasonable paid jobs - not brilliant but with the deposit money could get a cheap mortgage easily.

He won't do it though, and says that I'm not thinking long term and that if we keep saving we'll get a good place with little or no mortgage eventually, or that or 'everyone's wages will have to explode' Confused. Aargh - I just want to get our lives started! AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/11/2012 10:02

How long have you actually been together?

highlandcoo · 13/11/2012 10:05

And what area are you talking about? Because in London prices are predicted to keep on rising and there would be no point in spending money on rent while you wait for longer IMO.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:06

About 2 years squeaky. We moved in together last year - we're both getting to that age where things move more quickly!

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 13/11/2012 10:07

how long does he want to wait for? A year, say, is not going to make much difference but 5 would. is he using this as an excuse because he doesn't feel ready?

compromise is important, but you both have to get a bit of what you want. can you agree a year thats reasonable to both of you.

no-one knows about housing markets and whats going to happen. if he could do this you would be millionaires.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:07

We are in the south east highland. It wouldn't be worth arguing with him about 'predictions' - I've learnt that.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/11/2012 10:09

The housing market in the SE (where I am too) has dropped already, and I dont think it will drop much further than it has gone. I would wonder if he is using delaying tactics.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:10

He won't put a timeframe on it dreaming - he just says when the market offers value. I agree - who knows when that will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:11

The thing is I don't think he is delaying. He says he wouldn't mind having kids now, and I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/11/2012 10:13

He has 90k, you have 20k, thats quite an imbalance. Are you thinking of getting married before you have kids?

MonkeyRisotto · 13/11/2012 10:15

How old are you? This has a significant bearing on matters. If you're 21, then its no biggy, if you're late thirties, then it is a big issue.

dreamingofsun · 13/11/2012 10:16

in your situation i would be concerned about being with someone LT who placed the housing market above our plans to have a family. I think his approach to providing a secure place to live is great, but i would want some sort of idea on when i'd start trying for kids.

so before i got married, i knew we would start trying at about 30 because this enabled us to be fairly settled in housing and jobs but we would still be fairly healthy.

if you are going to have a family before 35 is deemed to be the best time. after this your fertility declines rapidly.

this is a really important decision - obviously - so he needs to discuss it with you. if he won't put any time frame on this then you have to decide whats most important to you and tell him.

Mrsjay · 13/11/2012 10:16

you are renting a nice place that is a secure tenancy ? why wait until you get your own house if everybody waited until they were in their 'forever home' then a lot of people wouldnt have children,

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:16

Neither of us want's to get married squeaky. It's not something that's important to us. I know him well enough to know he's not the sort of person to walk away from responsibilities to DCs.

OP posts:
goingupinsmoke · 13/11/2012 10:17

Well I would be with him to be fair, with the mortgage companies drawing back the amounts they lend over the next few years the amount you can borrow will reduce meaning the amount people can afford to pay for housing will drop, lots of sellers are still setting their own prices.

I'm also in the south east and the properties here are slashing £50/£60K off homes up in the £500's nothing is selling the market is flooded with houses, so based on that alone I would hold fire.

But on the other side of the fence a home is just that a home, and if you would feel more settled in a house you own then that's a decision you would need to make.

Could you both meet in the middle maybe wait a set time, keep a good eye on what the houses in your budget are doing price wise?

And make a decision in a years time.

Starting a family in rented is perfectly fine BTW, but if you don;t feel like it's home it's a tricky one.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:17

We are early 30s - and dreaming, like I said he says he would have kids now and I'm being unreasonable. MrsJay, the tenancy is as secure as any other I guess.

OP posts:
Namechangeforapropertythread · 13/11/2012 10:18

With that deposit surely buying hi cheaper than renting anyway?

goingupinsmoke · 13/11/2012 10:19

OK well I now don't understand why you wouldn't want to just get on with starting a family where you live now? It's only when children start school when it becomes a bit more important about the catchment areas etc.

dreamingofsun · 13/11/2012 10:19

ah. posts crossed. so you don't want to start whilst you are still in rented? I can't see that this makes much difference till they are at school and you will want them to be settled. but thats my view. how will this affect getting a mortgage, eg are you intending reducing your work hours once you have kids and therefore can only get a smaller mortgage?

TravelinColour · 13/11/2012 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:24

DP actually only works part time (his full time wage would be very good, but he doesn't want to work full time), so he'd actually be the carer 2 days a week. I would want to go part time for the other days if possible that's true, so I guess we'd be getting a mortgage based on that.

going - I want stability.

OP posts:
DaveMccave · 13/11/2012 10:24

Is he happy to start a family while you are still renting? If so, this is your problem not his.

Mrsjay · 13/11/2012 10:27

but renting can be stable sometimes it isn't but people rent all their lives children grow up on rented houses fine , I think this is your issue tbh of course you want your own place but what if you can't get the house you want or if you do then it takes a while to have a baby it is all ifs and buts when deciding there will always be another whatif around the corner imo

goingupinsmoke · 13/11/2012 10:27

I do understand the stability but having rented for 10 years raised a family two DS age 5 & 8 and have a very happy home i really fail to see the difference between paying money to the landlord or the mortgage company, longer term we will buy but if you have a nice home it really makes no difference how it's paid for to a baby or toddler? it also gives you something we love which is flexibility, we moved into catchment of a great little school when we needed to. So my view is very biased!

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 10:29

I think we probably need a serious chat Sad

OP posts:
DaveMccave · 13/11/2012 10:30

I think renting offers more stability... if you both lost your jobs you would be screwed. Not if you were renting. Lots of people get stuckin unhappy jobs, areas and relationships because they are tied to a mortgage. I think you are being a bit precious about wanting to own your home before children. If you are that desperate to start your family now, you need to be a bit more flexible.