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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get on with our lives now

150 replies

WantsALife · 13/11/2012 09:57

DP and I have been living together for a year now, and are thinking about starting a family. We're currently renting a nice place, but I want to get us settled in our own home before we start TTC.

DP is quite careful with money (though is generous), and says he wants to wait, because in his words 'the housing market is due for a big drop and I'm not handing over my hard earned to pay off other peoples mortgages'. We're in our early thirties, and he has saved up about 90k (I have about 20k). We both have reasonable paid jobs - not brilliant but with the deposit money could get a cheap mortgage easily.

He won't do it though, and says that I'm not thinking long term and that if we keep saving we'll get a good place with little or no mortgage eventually, or that or 'everyone's wages will have to explode' Confused. Aargh - I just want to get our lives started! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:13

I am quite financially controlling though, accepted. We all have to be though don't we if we want to be safe in life?

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 13/11/2012 11:13

Agree 100% with hettie. You might have seen asking prices drop but that's due to unreal expectations by sellers who bought at the peak of the boom and don't want to make a loss now.
The price crash has already happened and will not go significantly lower. On the other hand rentals are going up and up.
If you are currently renting the right time to buy is now, before more people are squeezed out of rentals and have to buy, pushing prices back up.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:16

Couldn't disagree more sallying, and couldn't agree more going.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/11/2012 11:16

It's ok to want control of your own finances if you also don't want to get married.

HecatePropylaea · 13/11/2012 11:16

oh dear.

Reverse AIBUs go down like a cup of cold sick.

EuroShagmore · 13/11/2012 11:16

I disagree with both of you to some extent. I think he is wrong that a big crash is coming. If anything, I think we are over the worst of it and slowly things will get better economically and prices will start to rise again.

But I also think it is daft to put your lives on hold and not try for the family you both want simply because you are in rented accommodation.

WilsonFrickett · 13/11/2012 11:17

Reverse AIBUs go down like a cup of cold sick.

^^ that

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:17

Pulled it off with aplomb though Hecate. Seamless.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 13/11/2012 11:18

money is not everything. if you want kids then a female has to have them before 35 to max their chances. i would prefer a family and to be poor than well off and childless - each to their own though. hope your partner has same views as you.

HecatePropylaea · 13/11/2012 11:19

You're still going to get your arse handed to you Grin

so. What IS your magic figure?

What is the price at which a house is at the right 'value'?

EuroShagmore · 13/11/2012 11:19

Ah, I see that it is a reverse AIBU. Lovely.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/11/2012 11:19

You don't need to buy a house before you have a child. Renting offers a high degree of flexibility which can be helpful when looking for school places as you can move near to a school which would suit your child.

If you are sure that you want to have children with your DP I'd just get on with it given your age. I think in your shoes I would want to be married first however but that is easier to arrange than buying a house.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:20

I want kids now! I just don't think buying a house should be an important factor. At the moment we are comfortable, secure financially and time rich. We can afford to save for the future, and will have the time to look after our kids. If we stretch ourselves, we won't have this in the early years of the kids lives.

I think she's focusing on something totally unnecessary to our happiness.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 13/11/2012 11:21

BTW - it helped my "scared to make the wrong call and buy a house which then fell in value" DH that when we did buy a 3 bed house, it was on the understand we would live in it for at least 15 years. I rejected smaller properties and ones where we couldn't add value or stay in long term. This meant that he was looking in terms of "will this have made more money than we would have lost in rent by the time we are looking to move" - if you are only looking at buying as a 2-3 year stop gap house, then it's not a good decision to make now, if you are looking for a long term house, (something you could live in for the whole term of the mortgage) it's a good deal - at the end of that time you will own your house outright and not have to pay any rent, if you have rented all that time, while you might make a bit more money on your investments, you will continue to have housing costs for the rest of your life, you have to have really good paying investments to cover that.

Also, it took a long time for my DH who worked for a bank to understand I didn't see a house as an investment - it's a home and a place to live. It's not about financial security, it's about physical security. While we would always be able to afford to rent something, I wanted to be certain I'd not be forced to move - if you are renting you can never say that.

HecatePropylaea · 13/11/2012 11:22

I agree that you don't need to own a home to have a child.

I wouldn't have a child without being bloody married though. Not after all the ways I've seen women get screwed! I'd want that legal contract.

Last of the great romantics, me Grin

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:22

The magic figure will we can buy our family home outright. I believe that will happen if we keep saving as we are - might be wage inflation rather than prices dropping, but as we haven't had a sniff off the former yet, I'll bank on the latter for now.

OP posts:
MrsHoarder · 13/11/2012 11:26

Wants do both of you get on with the other's family? Because if unmarried should you be incapacitated or die there is no support for the surviving partner and the legal next of kin is still your parents. Married, assets will easily transfer to your DP, she can make decisions for you in hospital and will get your pension benefits. You may never leave, but you can't guarantee you won't have an accident on the way to work.

Also unmarried she could choose not to put your name on the DC's birth certificate, leaving you with having to go to court to even be recognised as their father.

Finally don't risk the last reliable decade of fertility by gambling on the housing market. If you would rather save up and rent then buy now, that's fine. But if it takes 5-6 years before you decide to buy it could well be that she has fertility problems by then. And if it takes a long time to conceive it could mean you can't have all the children you want.

Finally, YABVU to have a reverse AIBU.

DontmindifIdo · 13/11/2012 11:27

Ah, cross posted with the reverse AIBU -

ok, here's the thing, your DP wants security, and you aren't offering it. You are asking her to do something that puts her in a terrible finanical position (having DCs unmarried) without putting anything else in place.

She will not see buying the house as a financial investment - which actually, if you are buying a home not a place to rent out, it's not an investment, it's a home. You are not focusing on the emotional side of security. Feeling that you are settled and have roots. Renting isn't secure (and yes you can be evicted from a house if you don't pay, but actually, it's a hell of a lot easier for a landlord to get a tenant out of a property than it is for a bank to get someone out of a house they have bought, and the only reason you will lose your home if you have bought is not paying the mortgage, you can pay a landlord on time every month and they can just take the decision to sell and you have to suck it up), having DCs with a man who's not married to you isn't secure (you say you'll stay, you might not - you've not made a legal commitment to her).

I can see why she's not prepared to have DCs with a man who wo'nt take a risk.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/11/2012 11:28

Are you visiting from housepricecrash.com?

Your theory may work for you in terms of an investment. But a house isn't an investment, it is a home.

And I still wouldn't have babies with someone who wouldn't marry me - just incase.

BarbarianMum · 13/11/2012 11:29

If she agrees to have children with you without the two of you being married then she is mad putting herself in an extremely vulnerable position financially.

Are you going to do 50% of the childcare so she can develop her career?

Forget all this 'I would never walk away from my financial responsibilities' nonsense. How would she be protected if you are hit by a bus? Exactly how much will you hand over if she tells you its over?

Honestly, I'd never want anyone I love to be in that position.

DontmindifIdo · 13/11/2012 11:29

Oh, and if a house falls in value, this only matters if you intend to sell it. If you intend to live in it your whole life and can afford to pay the mortgage, it does not matter what you paid for it.

HecatePropylaea · 13/11/2012 11:30

Ah. So realistically, you'll have to save up about what? £200,000? £300,000?

how old will you be by the time you have £200,000 saved up?

You've got £110,000. How long to save another £90,000?

cos I bet my first born that houses in the south east are not ever going to drop below the £150,000 - £200,000 mark.

Unless you buy in a dodgy area. But I'm guessing that you want a good area.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:30

Part of being anal with money is I already have a will/insurance which covers all this MrsHoarder - though I will look into the pension thing.... You make a wise point about the birth certificate though. I'd hate to end up like Tyrone Dobbs Grin.

OP posts:
PrimrosePath · 13/11/2012 11:32

Are you sure she wants children with you now? She knows that you don't want to buy at the moment so it could be an easy way of putting off ttc for the time being without hurting you.

Original poster
WantsALife · 13/11/2012 11:32

"Are you going to do 50% of the childcare so she can develop her career?"

YES! I work part time. If I'm having kids, I wanna look after them.

OP posts: