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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my dh should have married a bloody lap dancer if he loves them that much......

187 replies

plim · 12/11/2012 23:33

So, dh took his best mate on a 'belated stag do' this weekend - they didn't go last year when he actually got married as his fiancé was preggers.

we have just bought house, are skint, have just taken out a loan, I'm on maternity leave with our 3rd child so money is tight. Dh booked a 4star hotel for the two of em, made a weekend of it, I eeeked it out of him that they went to a lap dancing club and had 'lots of dances' in a VIP room.....

Not so much disgruntled about the fact that they went to a lap dancing club although I think they are degrading and vile but hey if thats what floats their boat, but more annoyed that we are brassic until I go back to work in new year and they have just blown a small fortune on boobs n ass being waggled in their faces.........asked dh how could we afford 4 dances each etc and he stated that 'he did not have to explain himself to me'. To top it off he was so pissed on Sunday that I told him to go straight to his weekly abode ( he works down south 3 days a week) and he will now not be home till Friday.

Just all feels a bit selfish when we have 3 lil ones and things are tight but at the same time I do think everyone has the right to let their hair down etc....

OP posts:
EscapeInTheCity · 13/11/2012 11:18

And how is it Ok for your DH to do something he knows you completely disapprove off?

fluffyraggies · 13/11/2012 11:18

Of course OP. No one has the right to tell you you have to be angry about the lap dancing side of it.

Everyone is unanimous about the fact that it most def. was a disrespectful decision towards you and your children for whatever reason.

What will you do?

Lovecat · 13/11/2012 11:20

Hate to say it but I'm wondering if the friend even went with him - it seems so contradictory that anyone would put off a stag do because their fiancee was pg, but then when the baby was actually there feel they were free to go out on the (expensive and exploitative) piss?

As for his 'did not have to explain himself to me' - total dealbreaker. Does he often get defensive when called out on his behaviour?

YerMaw1989 · 13/11/2012 11:22

Everyone has their own limits,

to me the fact he had a 'special dance' I assume that means private? with a lapdancer whilst you were at home looking after his children?.
No fucking way, complete deal breaker to me.

Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 11:24

Well, give him some space to reflect on it, he knows I'm not happy. I'm going out this weekend and am then on a course for 2 days so won't see too much of him, guess I'll see what hisvattitude is this weekend, if its a fuck you attitude then there are bigger issues to consider, if he is prepared to listen and sees my pov then perhaps we can have a grown up discussion about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 11:26

Oh they were def together. His mate had cancer last year, it was a big deal that they were going out for the first time in a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 11:28

Hate to sound naive but in a lap dancing club he said they had 'lap dances' but his bf went off in a VIP room for 1/2 hr and ge was pissed off that he left him at the bar. Do they ever do anything else in a lap dancing club or is it strictly 'dances' ?

OP posts:
topknob · 13/11/2012 11:29

VIP room Hmm why ?

fluffyraggies · 13/11/2012 11:30

That sounds like a plan, OP.

It's probably how i'd handle it, tbh. (rightly or wrongly)

I think you really do need a proper discussion about this. I would echo the question - is he usually quite defensive when he's in the wrong? My DH is. It can take a day or two before we can talk properly about stuff sometimes.

fluffyraggies · 13/11/2012 11:31

X posts.

I think it depends on the club as to what happens in a VIP room.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2012 11:31

Plim only really dodgy ones do.

Where I live there are two lap dancing clubs in the city centre where the bouncers are inclined to break your arms and legs if you even look remotely tempted to actually touch the women.

I think private dances can go on for a while though.

Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 11:33

Not sure, what do they do in a VIP room in a lap dancing club? BlushAngryHmm

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 11:34

Sorry x post again

OP posts:
YerMaw1989 · 13/11/2012 11:35

your plan sounds good OP.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2012 11:36

I think they just dance for that one bloke. In some places they might take their clothes off during dance and so on. They usually have cameras with security watching though.

Lap dancers aren't prostitutes (although some may be outside of their work in the clubs) but clubs will get shut down if they allow sex to be bought on their premises. That's why brothels are always secret.

ChicMama25 · 13/11/2012 11:37

They are not allowed to do anything more than dancing and most clubs will adhere strictly to this and fire girls that 'do extras'. But I will say that in a VIP room dancing will probably involve being draped all over your dh stark naked sitting on him etc with their naked fanjos touching his clothes

ChicMama25 · 13/11/2012 11:40

Sorry just saw it was his friend not him who went to the VIP room. Private dances can also be like this depends what the clubs rules are about taking knickers off or not.

OwlLady · 13/11/2012 11:42

he sounds very immature :(

I once watched a documentary on channel 4 about the girls that work there and some of them were physically sick before and after performing for men and so many of them were so vulnerable. It makes me very sad.

Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 11:44

Puke

OP posts:
Numberlock · 13/11/2012 11:46

he said they had 'lap dances' but his bf went off in a VIP room for 1/2 hr

Do you believe that? I don't.

snuffaluffagus · 13/11/2012 11:52

Depends on the type of lapdancing club... Either way, eww. I'd be beyond furious in your position, especially as he said you couldn't afford a holiday. Outrageous behaviour.

garlicbaguette · 13/11/2012 11:55

The replies to your question about the VIP room are repeating what clubs themselves say. A half-hour 'private dance' (a dance is 3 minutes) is very likely to have been sexual services.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 13/11/2012 11:56

What AnyFucker said.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2012 11:59

garlicbaguette not in the more reputable clubs it doesn't.

These clubs get random visits front the police to ensure no sex is being bought on the premises.

Chubfuddler · 13/11/2012 12:00

I think he's trying to make out that his mate was worse than him. I don't believe that for a moment, they were hand in glove in this.

Leaving aside whether or not your husband has cheated on you with a lap dancer, what about the money? Does he even begin to understand that what he did was not ok? I mean what conversations were had between you in dcs ce of this weekend away? Did you know he was playing flash Harry and funding the whole thing?