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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my dh should have married a bloody lap dancer if he loves them that much......

187 replies

plim · 12/11/2012 23:33

So, dh took his best mate on a 'belated stag do' this weekend - they didn't go last year when he actually got married as his fiancé was preggers.

we have just bought house, are skint, have just taken out a loan, I'm on maternity leave with our 3rd child so money is tight. Dh booked a 4star hotel for the two of em, made a weekend of it, I eeeked it out of him that they went to a lap dancing club and had 'lots of dances' in a VIP room.....

Not so much disgruntled about the fact that they went to a lap dancing club although I think they are degrading and vile but hey if thats what floats their boat, but more annoyed that we are brassic until I go back to work in new year and they have just blown a small fortune on boobs n ass being waggled in their faces.........asked dh how could we afford 4 dances each etc and he stated that 'he did not have to explain himself to me'. To top it off he was so pissed on Sunday that I told him to go straight to his weekly abode ( he works down south 3 days a week) and he will now not be home till Friday.

Just all feels a bit selfish when we have 3 lil ones and things are tight but at the same time I do think everyone has the right to let their hair down etc....

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2012 00:29

I do jokes as a coping mechanism too OP. It's the laugh/cry thing isn't it. Or given my temper, it's the laugh/go on homicidal rampage thing

StuntGirl · 13/11/2012 00:31

The lapdancing is something of a red herring really. The fact he spent around £500 in one weekend when you are struggling for money smacks of disrespect.

It absolutely is your business, I would be pretty furious right now.

Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 00:31

Ah yes a good old homicidal rampage! Joke also!!

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2012 00:33

It's ever so tempting sometimes

In all seriousness though,I hope you are alright Plim.

Charbon · 13/11/2012 00:44

I imagine all this behaviour is connected isn't it?

A man who feels entitled to pay women for sexual entertainment and services, feels entitled to spending hundreds of pounds that his family can't afford and when challenged by his partner, says he does not have to explain himself to her.

It would have been more surprising if you'd said you were in a relationship with a man who regarded you as an equal partner.

Mousefunk · 13/11/2012 00:48

I would leave my DH if he ever had the audacity to have another woman's tits, arse and god knows what else is in his face, on his lap wherever. I mean turn it around- how would he feel if you had a cock in your face or gyrating all over your lap?!

I find these sorts of establishments crude, vile and demeaning (both men and women ones). I personally wouldn't ever attend i'm far too uptight .

I would feel violently sick if I knew my DH had done this and to add insult to injury had paid hundreds?! for it.. Its like why have a chicken nugget when you have a full chicken at home? It just makes no sense to me.

I suggest you go pay hundreds to have some scantily clad bloke wave his cock in your face and video it

Jinsei · 13/11/2012 00:51

Sorry OP, but I could not live with a man who thought it was ok to do what your DH has done. :(

SomersetONeil · 13/11/2012 00:54

'He doesn't have to explain himself to you' is just so petulant and immature.

Can we take that stance to its logical extreme...? I mean, could you go out and, say, shag your way through a swathe of blokes and not expect to have to explain yourself to him? Hardly.

So given that we can't take that statement to its extreme, then surely there is a reasonable point at which, yes, he does have to explain himself to you, especially when it involves family funds when you're skint.

But of course, what he really means is that he's entitled to do what he wants, when he wants, while you're at home looking after his children - and could you please stop asking annoying questions which put a handbreak on his fun and just bloody well put up with it, for heaven's sake?

KRITIQ · 13/11/2012 01:00

Charbon's hit the nail on the head here, imho. It sounds like he feels incredibly entitled - to sexual services from women, whether or not his wife is happy about that, to pay for those services and other indulgences for himself and his friends, again regardless of the negative impact on family finances and results in you having to save up for the children's Christmas (and probably do without some things yourself.)

If he doesn't feel he has to explain anything to you about this incident, it sounds likely he'll say the same thing about anything else he chooses to do which you don't like, don't think is a good idea or is hurtful/harmful for you and the chidlren.

I understand that trying to "laugh it off" is a way of coping with his hurtful and disrespectful behaviour, but there's a danger that that could morph into excusing abusive, controlling behaviour. As someone upthread pointed out, what he did was a form of financial abuse.

Lots of not nice stuff to think about, but important to take a cold, hard look at the situation and what the likely outcomes could be for you and your children if he continues to feel entitled to do as he pleases.

garlicbaguette · 13/11/2012 01:52

YYY Charbon.

Basically it wouldn't happen if Plim were in a relationship with a man who regarded her as an equal partner. As it is, he appears to feel his contributions to his family are concessions (be grateful, etc). If he reckons he's perfectly within his rights to spend loadsa money on ostentatious consumer sexism ('Lads'), while his family's strapped for Christmas, he's really making his priorities clear :(

I wish I knew what to do about this. I understand the suggestion to go for a spa weekend - I've done it myself in similar circumstances - but that's a passive-aggressive response and makes the problem worse overall. Really, OP, you could do with a massive shakedown that's serious enough to get him looking at things more clearly. But can you do it?

Joiyuk · 13/11/2012 02:22

Simple answer, strike him off the Christmas present list. Don't buy him anything. Don't buy him a birthday present either. I cannot believe anybody would go out and do that. What a pig!

ENormaSnob · 13/11/2012 07:00

This is a huge deal IMO. All of it.

Definitely a deal breaker in my marriage.

StuntGirl · 13/11/2012 07:09

I don't know if that's the answer to their problems joiyuk!

LindyHemming · 13/11/2012 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HippieHop · 13/11/2012 07:18

Would be a deal breaker for as well me, actually.

Vile thing to do, as is his attitude towards you.

AThingInYourLife · 13/11/2012 07:19

You're obviously mostly OK with the fact that your husband is a contemptible cunt, shit husband and lousy father.

Enjoy your "revenge" of going to the cinema with your friends. That'll show him Hmm

ihavenofuckingclue · 13/11/2012 07:21

I agree with the others that said the lap dancing is a bit of a red herring.

I would be spending until Friday making arrangements for his departure. I am not going to say 'leave the bastard' but I would.
If my dh went out spent £500 just before Christmas and money was tight. I would feel hurt and like me and kids were not high in his priorities. But then add on 'he doesn't have to explain himself' and it would push me over the edge and him out of the door.

Hr clearly doesn't think much of his family and he can act how he wants and fuck the consequences. Sorry but I wouldn't want my kids being brought up thinking that its ok for him to put himself before everyone else including them.

And tbh 'belated stag do' sounds so fucking 'sad middle age man desperate for an excuse to spend what he wants and act how he wants'.
This bloke didn't have a stag do, and what? Well done for him for not having one because she was pg. But surely she is now sat at home with a baby instead.
They both sound like cocks. Sorry.

Chandon · 13/11/2012 07:22

It depresses me that women chose to be with men like this, his views on women as disposable sex toys are clear, loud and clear.

Why on earth be with someone like that, if you have to tolerate him shagging prostitutes ( oh, does he say he does not take it quite that far? Yet?), have that kind of attitude to women, and talk to you like that.

Why go on and on and have more children with a man like that? Why do women do this? Do you think you are worth nothing better than this????

So sad.

whatsforyou · 13/11/2012 07:26

There is also a difference between going to a lap dancing club and paying for a dance. I hate these clubs and think they are so demeaning but I can see how if a group of men are out for a stag do it might feel awkward for one person announcing that they are not going. Getting private dances are different, they might not be paying for sex but they are paying for sexual services. IMO I wouldn't be surprised if someone saying for dances at some point in their life uses prostitutes.
For people who think the money is the big problem, not for everyone. It would be a huge problem for me but the lap dancing would be the thing that ended the relationship.

twofingerstoGideon · 13/11/2012 07:28

So, OP, there are three issues. Your DH went out and:
paid for another woman to wave her tits and arse in his face (has no respect for women generally and no respect for you and your family);
spent money you don't have (has no respect for you and your family);
said he doesn't need to explain himself (has no respect for you and your family).

Personally, I'd go fucking ballistic.

And I agree with what Chandon says.

Jemma1111 · 13/11/2012 07:36

He is obviously the kind of man who has zero respect for women, and by treating his wife like a doormat whilst he pisses off to a 4 star Hotel and pays for lapdances knowing full well his family are struggling, I honestly think that he didn't stop at just ogling women.

He could have had a right shagfest of a weekend for all you know Op.
I'd fuck him right off

mrskeithrichards · 13/11/2012 08:04

Ending up on a lap dancing club on a big stag do wouldn't be a deal breaker.

2 men on their own spending money on private dances? Creepy. Even in a big group there's no need for that. He obviously enjoyed it and kept putting his grubby hand in his pocket to spend money you don't have for his own sexual enjoyment. Lovely.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 13/11/2012 09:35

Good point mrskeith

Op if you and a mate went to the ritz and blew £500 on champagne then said you didn't have to justify it, what would DH say?

DappyHays · 13/11/2012 09:51

Agree with the post upthread about lap dancing clubs being part of a big stag do is sometimes par for the course. Two guys spending £££s when it isn't even a stag do...that belated thing is bollocks. No wonder only two of them were there, the rest of their mates probably aren't that sad. And what is the 4* hotel all about? Stag dos are what Travel Lodges and Premier Inns were made for.

His attitude towards you stinks.

Original poster
plim · 13/11/2012 09:58

Well if this had all happened say 18 months ago we were financially fine, I was on a lucrative consultancy contract and whilst I just wouldn't blow £500 on a self indulgent night out whenwe have young kids to think about, it just wouldn't have been such a problem. The issue now is that we have just paid a hefty house deposit and the other costs with moving house, are renovating a property that needs everything from flooring to damp courses etc and are t the end if the money that I saved fir my maternity leave. We have just borrowed more money to pay off our huge od and pay for unexpected house stuff like a rotten floor etc so we are honestly financially tight. So that's why it has pissed me off so much. Last week I suggested we try and save enough to put down a deposit on a family holiday next year - camping in France or something equally thrifty but dh said we couldn't afford it at the moment. So when he says he saved to go out and large it up with his bf - and have the immaturity to pay for him ( they have more money than us) that's what I am struggling wit.

OP posts: