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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think there should be no such thing as a SAHM

649 replies

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 18:09

they might be an ex investment banker
or a part time nurse
or a part time teacher
or an active volunteer in the community
BUT
in these days where most women are educated at least to 18, very few did not work before kids
and very few will not work when their kids are older
so actually should define themselves by their personal achievements - currently undertaking a prolonged break
rather than some sort of domestic - which is what SAHM implies to me.

OP posts:
Cahoots · 04/11/2012 21:11

I admit that my brain was a bit mushy when my DC's were really little.... I had three DC under 4. I think I would have had a mushy brain regardless of whether I was working or not.

MamaChocoholic · 04/11/2012 21:14

I always saw sahm as a way to redress the balance, saying "I'm a lawyer on a break" suggests lawyering to be more important than looking after kids. Whereas if you believe looking after your kids to have equal worth to a career, then saying sahm and not needing to put it in context says just that.

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 21:15

cahoots
If I lived near a big city I'd do that too, but its not an option round here

PS I'm not a Xenia style desk jockey - I think I did about 6 hours a week for the first year DC2 was born - I need to pay bills, I'm not obsessed.

but once your youngest is at secondary, so they are out from 8.30 till gone 4, how does the time pass?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/11/2012 21:15

I think people should have the right to define themselves in any way they please!

OxfordBags · 04/11/2012 21:18

I am a SAHM and proud to be one. For the record, I have a PhD in a really high-falutin', poncey subject from Oxford and am/was an 'intellectual' (without wanting to out myself). I put no less effort, passion, research, slog, dedication and heart and soul into being a full-time mother than I did my academic work - much more so, in fact, as giving my child all the best of myself is far, far more important and rewarding and a testament to my prowess, worth and status as a human being than any of the smartarse stuff I did before. My brain hasn't gone to mush because I am intelligent and find ways to stimulate myself. Working for pay has nothing to do with staving off intellectual atrophy.

As a feminist, I find the attitudes towards SAHMs incredibly insulting and ignorant. We cannot say that Feminism has benefitted any part of society if we do not and cannot view stereotypically and traditionally female rôles, behaviour and activities, etc., positively and with equal worth to anything deemed worthy by patriarchal thinking. Put simply, seeing being a SAHM as somehow inferior, demeaning, ruinous for the intellect and ego, etc., etc., is incredibly misogynist and it's saddening and maddening to see women falling for all that crap and not just feeling that way about other women but even about themselves. I find the placing of importance on status, job and wealth incredibly immature, boring, pathetic and a sign that a person feels deeply inadequate within themselves.

Also, please let's be clear that being a SAHM does not automatically mean you are a domestic skivvy. The only housework I do more now than I used to, is more cooking and washing up in the day in order to feed me and my DS.

If someone feels demeaned and inadequate by being a SAHM, then that is all about that person's own self-worth and personal issues. They need to get help for their own personal problems, not impose them as the supposed truth for everyone else on the same position as them.

piprabbit · 04/11/2012 21:23

Why on earth would telling someone that I help out in school, volunteer at a library or act as treasurer for a small charity, be more socially acceptable than just saying "I stay at home and look after the children".

Megan74 · 04/11/2012 21:30

I agree with every word of OxfordBags excellent post.

I also think you are being inflammatory. But in case you actually happen to believe it is more acceptable to define yourself by your prior occupation rather than just say what you actually do now then YABU. Obviously. Have a Biscuit

fluffypillow · 04/11/2012 21:32

I'm not ashamed to call myself a SAHM, it describes what I do. I stay at home to look after my babies/children.

I'm happy, and proud of that fact. I view the way I have raised my children to be my greatest achievement in life.

You obviously don't view Mums who stay at home to care for their children, instead of paying someone else to do it, as valuable members of our society.

What a shame.

MsVestibule · 04/11/2012 21:32

When I finally took the plunge and handed in my notice, if somebody asked me what I did, I would say "I stay at home with my children", but always manage to shoehorn in "but I used to be a bank manager!" as if it somehow validated me as a person. Fortunately I don't do that now.

TBH, I still don't like telling people, as the "ooh, you're a lady of leisure" comments piss me off somewhat. And to an earlier poster, yes I do describe myself as a SAHM if somebody asks me what I do. Not sure what else I can say? "Full time mum" understandably irritates WOHMs as it insinuates they're part time parents. What should I say Confused?

I'm not ashamed of being a SAHM to my young DCs but really do wish other people didn't think it such a demeaning role.

Proudnscary · 04/11/2012 21:34

What an utterly bizarre OP.

I work FT and have a long-standing satisfying career but first and foremost I'm a mum...then a person and a wife and...I have absolutely no idea what or how I 'define myself'. I don't go storming around dinner parties pumping hands and bellowing 'I'M PROUDNSCARY AND I AM A CAREER WOMAN, MANAGING DIRECTOR, WITH A FIRST FROM OXFORD*' Confused

Please though let's not turn this thread into a SAHM vs working mum. We are all equals and can do and should do exactly what works for us as individuals and within our families.

*I don't really have a first from Oxford

amillionyears · 04/11/2012 21:36

TalkinPeace2, has it occured to you that the people who do your "domestics"
may not have a financial choice.

Are you proud to be an accountant?

EdgarAllanPond · 04/11/2012 21:36

I consider bringing up my children to be my major achievement.

it is true during periods of work, and also whilst i don't work.

WorraLiberty · 04/11/2012 21:38

I'm a SAHM with school aged children and if anyone asks me what I do, I tell them I'm a SAHM because that's primarily what I am.

I'm also Vice Chair of Govs and my DS's school but that is secondary to my main job so I only mention it if the conversation continues.

I'm proud to be a SAHM and have no intention of making myself sound as though I'm not, by describing myself as < insert job >

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 21:38

amillionyears what people who do my domestics?
I do not have a cleaner, do my own ironing, weed my own garden, do my own school runs and inset days.
But I fit earning enough money to pay my own bills around that.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 04/11/2012 21:41

TalkinPeace2, just read about what you posted about your dad.
Glad he is ok.

LibrariansMakeNovelLovers · 04/11/2012 21:44

Yes, YABU - I'm happy to be defined as a SAHM as at the moment that is what I am. I don't really want to be defined as 'ex-barmaid, waitress, plantswoman, musicandartschooldropout' and I currently do voluntary work (2 things) but don't really see how they are any more relevant than me being a SAHM (actually if I hadn't become a parent I wouldn't have got into either of them and if I wasn't a SAHM I wouldn't be doing them)

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 21:44

Thankyou.

And BTW I love being an accountant - but am delighted to be a part time one so that I am there for my kids when they need me.

its all about balance - especially as they get older and need me less : I need to know who I am for once they leave home.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 04/11/2012 21:44

Arrgh please this is what I mean - let's all respect each other here and not tip over into sneering at working mums paying for childcare or cleaners - it's the OP who's been a knob here not working mums in general!

SAHMs are absolutely right to value themselves but so are working mothers. I am a mother even when I'm not at work (I have seen the word PT mum on here!)

So Fluffy please don't throw in the old 'paying someone else to look after your own children'. (As it happens my dh is a SAHD - I don't pay people to look after my children - but those who do could be as offended as you are by OP).

scottishmummy · 04/11/2012 21:44

depends how individual chose to define self. if they chose sahm/housewife up to them
i think the difficulty is filling the what do you do question,as housewife isnt job
I suppose perhaps thats why some may revert to previous occupation

amillionyears · 04/11/2012 21:54

TalkinPeace2, you have talked about your cleaner before on MN.

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 21:59

really? I had a cleaner for four weeks ten years ago who objected to Radio 4 -
she left - I've not had once since

OP posts:
amicissimma · 04/11/2012 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklyoldwhizzbangcatpusswhee · 04/11/2012 22:01

I'd love to be a SAHM! Housewife would be my career of choice!

EdgarAllanPond · 04/11/2012 22:06

i think if i had a cleaner, they'd have to like Radio 4. or just clean whilst i am out.

MickeyTheShortOne · 04/11/2012 22:10

I will be a SAHM (expecting first child in a matter of days), and I'd rather call myself a SAHM rather than telling people that I've stacked shelves for 5 years. Yes, I was promoted to supervisor, but I think becoming a parent outweighs that.. and is the best achievement a person could ever make. If you can achieve a high-powered career at the same time, then good for you! :)