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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...not to want dh to wander around half-naked?

471 replies

cavell · 04/11/2012 17:07

Particularly when, by "half naked" I am referring to the bottom half?
Dh likes to wander around wearing just a t-shirt/shirt and no pants such that his "bits" are left dangling. Sometimes he even has socks on, too.
AIBU to find this borderline revolting? It reminds me of a potty-training toddler, tbh.
Background: together 20 years, married 15, two dds aged 11 and 7. DH's body is okay, albeit a bit skinny. He knows I don't like to see him walking around in his state of undress, but he thinks I am becoming prudish and that he should be able to relax in his own home and not worry about what he is wearing... Should add also that my libido is very low at the moment and seeing his undercarriage peeking out from the bottom of a t-shirt isn't helping at all.
AIBU?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/11/2012 10:28

Did you explain that it's also your daughters who aren't comfortable with it?

Surely, as a parent, he should be willing to make a small sacrifice for his daughters' well-being?

This attitude of "don't see why I can't wear want to I want in my own home" is incredibly childish and selfish. Is he really not like this in any other areas?

I think the value in seeing this thread wouldn't be to see what a bunch of strangers think of him, but to get a sense that no most men do not do this (if that's really his justification for it).

Narked · 05/11/2012 10:29

DH is certain that this thread is made up. He can't believe that anyone would really behave like this.

FatimaLovesBread · 05/11/2012 10:31

But it's your own home too?! Or do you not get the same priorities on wanting to be comfortable in your own home.

If I felt comfortable sat in a crop top with my belly hanging out and my flaps ajar but DH didn't like it, i'd put some clothes on because I respect his space and what he's comfortable with

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 10:32

Narked, your DH has a point, however ...

I can believe that a complete twat would act like this, but what I find difficult to believe is that someone would be pussyfooting around them, accepting sulks and waiting until their tv programme finished before they said anything about it.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/11/2012 10:33

Get him an Indian long kurta. Mr OTheHuge wanders about in one of these when he is feeling the need for a breeze around his wedding veg. It is decent enough while still providing the desired ventilation Grin

Helltotheno · 05/11/2012 10:34

He just sounds like a twat OP... and you sound afraid of him.

He is not a good role model for your daughters and your primary objective should be to protect them. If he doesn't stop with this, you need to tell him either he leaves or you do. I agree with mathanxiety and everyone else.. this is not about nakedness. I wonder would he be doing the same if you had sons?

akaemmafrost · 05/11/2012 10:40

Well I can believe that someone is pussy footing around in this situation because I think he is abusive. I well know the worrying about how to approach addressing intolerable behaviour with a bullying man Sad. There is more to this certainly. The fact that OP feels she cannot approach this man tells she is frightened of him and there will be reasons for that.

BooyhooRemembering · 05/11/2012 10:41

i would be very surprised if him saying he will wear pants is the end of this. i'm guessing he will wear pants after first chancing it without and making a big show of huffing when you ask him to do what he agreed to do. repeatedly until you get fed up of asking him everytime to do something he knows he should do.

if it was me i would be thinking up some sort of consequence for him coming down without pants on (if he has everything else on). he sounds like the sort of immature prick who will play this game for a long time. you need to get serious with him and actually i wouldn't be asking him anymore. i'd be telling him.

Flatbread · 05/11/2012 10:45

and my flaps ajar

Is this what I think it is? Eeeeuweeeee

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 10:48

I agree emma, and I think OP is in denial. I can't believe that a woman would act like this, unless there is a lot more to it.

However...she hasn't answered any questions about whether he displays controlling tendencies in other areas and has completely ignored attempts to enlighten her that sulking and this "I am the man of the house and what I say goes despite it being completely inappropriate" attitude is abusive in of itself

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/11/2012 10:49

Hello MrCavell

It's not just your house. You share it with three other people. They are all uncomfortable with your behaviour. They are your family and you love them. So you don't want them to feel uncomfortable, do you?

Thanks.

elah11 · 05/11/2012 10:53

I told my dh about this threas and he burst out laughing, he couldnt believe a grown man thought it wasnt odd to take off his pants to go to the loo and then just leave them off! And as for the shirt/tie/socks combo in the morning, well he thought that was just plain weird and not appropriate when there are young girls in the house. We are not prudish about covering up, the kids have all seen us naked regularly, I shower dd (6) with me, but walking around with your knob hanging out is different and a bit of a power thing imo.

Original poster
cavell · 05/11/2012 11:16

Well, he's out at work now and came down to breakfast wearing pants. Was cheerful enough. I didn't pass comment on the pants status, and nor did he.

I don't think it was unreasonable to let him watch his TV programme - especially as he was fully clothed when he was watching it. And since I can't really remember how long he as been doing this for, I figured waiting a few extra minutes to talk to him about it wouldn't do any harm.

I don't think it is fair to say he is abusive - I really don't think he is. Yes, he can be petulant and sulky at times and he isn't empathetic. But I don't think his lack of empathy is down to malice - he is just someone who struggles to see anyone else's point of view. He isn't particularly affectionate (nor are his parents), but he shows his children he loves them by doing things with them - e.g. taking them swimming/cycling. They are always happy to go with him. He never shouts, never has shown the vaguest hint of being violent and I think he is basically a decent man. With some wierd habits/ideas.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 11:25

I hope this is the end of your husband deliberately exposing his genitals to his female children.

dreamingbohemian · 05/11/2012 11:27

Behaviour doesn't have to be malicious for it to be harmful to others.

I think it's incredibly important that you don't normalise his behaviour for your daughters, or they will grow up to think that it's okay for a man to disregard their feelings, not show affection and sulk when they don't get what they want.

And really -- it's not okay. Set aside whether or not it's abusive.... aren't you worth more than that? Don't you deserve to be treated with more respect?

akaemmafrost · 05/11/2012 11:52

I think anyfucker has managed to sum the entire thread in one succinct sentence.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 11:53

< takes a bow >

sudaname · 05/11/2012 11:59

Well my son is a step dad (from his DSD being a toddler and her own dad never been on scene, so as much like a 'real' dad as a SF can be really) and a 'natural' dad to her sister. His DSD is 12, her sister is 9. Until recently they both used to climb into his bed on a Saturday morning and watch tv, chatter etc, whilst my DS tried desperately to have just the briefest of 'lie-ins' but usually gave up until he got up himself.

Because of this he would always wear boxers or pyjama bottoms to bed the night before.

Even so he stopped this practise recently after a 'shock,horror' reaction from a relative of his DSD about the inappropriateness of this, when one of my DGDS mentioned it in passing to her. He had to tell both his girls to keep out of his bedroom in the mornings and made some excuse up. He was mortified to say the least and worried this catsbum mouth relative may even report it. He was very upset anyone could think anything untoward but was told it was as much to do with her age as the fact she isnt his biological daughter, but he's not wholly convinced this is the case.

He did say he was hoping the eldest and subsequently the youngest would just naturally stop this on their own as they probably would have done soon and in fact the eldest one had started to just stay in her own room some weekend mornings and not always joined her sister jumping into dads bed.

But he felt he had to put a definite stop to it rather than a gradual dying out as they grew up.
Now can you imagine if he had been walking round with his bits out on his access weekends a la OPs DH ??
I am pretty sure this relative or someone would have definitely called SS.
If your 11 year old or even your younger one says anything at school or somewhere about daddys 'habits' you could find yourselves being investigated by SSs, seriously.

sudaname · 05/11/2012 12:04

Yes AF hits the nail bang on once again ! whilst some of us just carry on rambling , like me above Grin Hmm

McKayz · 05/11/2012 12:29

Sudaname, that's actually quite sad. What is wrong with a dad sitting in bed with his DCs watching a bit of tv?

InNeedOfAPennyForTheGuysBrandy · 05/11/2012 12:48

Sudaname that is really sad, if that was your daughter not your son I doubt anyone would have raised an eyebrow.

sudaname · 05/11/2012 12:52

I know MrsKay very sad indeed. Really embarrassed my son aswell. He has been a wonderful dad to both girls equally and for that l am very proud of him. He split with their mother when his DSD was still a toddler and had only been in her life for around a year. She has major health problems aswell so is a huge responsibility to look after. But not once has he ever suggested just having his 'own' daughter or just taking his 'own' on holiday etc. as many no doubt would especially after such a short time in a childs life. Never once flinched from being an equal dad to both. So you can imagine how horrified he was when someone reacted in this way.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/11/2012 12:59

XH used to take off his bottom half and wander around. We didn't have any daughters though. One time he came downstairs wearing nothing but a T-shirt, forgetting that our future DIL had stayed over, saw her in the kitchen and sprinted upstairs PDQ. I just hope she didn't see anything.

In the winter he took his trousers and pants off to go to bed but kept everything else on. Same socks, same shirts, same several layers of jersey. Yes it was gross, why do you ask? Am still totally amazed that I used to put up with it. It's kind of a relief to learn there are other mugs tolerant wives out there.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 13:00

suda sounds like you got yourself a keeper there Smile

sudaname · 05/11/2012 13:08

Yes exactly Inneed and he is convinced the reaction was also connected to her not being his biological child aswell.

Btw horrified reading back my last post as it sounds like l am suggesting my eldest DGD is 'hard work'. It is more demanding to look after her and greater responsibility etc. no doubt, but she is so absolutely worth it, no doubt about that and my son and l both love her unreservedly.