to give my parents soup when they come to see me?

[twinsufficient]

This happened a year ago but is still bugging me that supposedly I was in the wrong. My parents came over for the day (3 hour round trip) and for lunch I served some nice fresh (bought) soup with plenty of crusty bread and cheesecake for afters. Following the visit my dm was very distant with me for 4 months. She wouldn't ring me, declined invites to visit and was plain nasty to me on my birthday. Despite this dh and I took dm out for her birthday, bought a cake etc.
Then a week later she phones me to tell me how disgusting it was of me to only give them soup 4 months ago! I told her to get a life and put the phone down. She eventually caved in and rang me but not to apologise just to justify her points! She drives me potty most of the time but was ibu? Please reassure me that I'm not the meanie she's making me out to be

I don't get it - soup is nice.

If they thought they were invited to sunday lunch, naturally they may have been disappointed - but why would they act like this over a minor misunderstanding?

you gave a perfectly acceptable meal, so stop worrying. its her problem, let her get on with it.

OK, she prob sees it as a big occasion coming to see you and so bought soup wasn't great.

But over a year ago and she hasn't got over it? It's more important than seeing you or presumably her GCs?

She is nuts.

Is there any particular reason why you bother trying to maintain a relationship with her? If it was a friend you'd have ditched her a long time ago. I don't understand why people feel that they have to maintain relationships with toxic people just because they are relatives. I've cut my father and sister out of my life because they are toxic and feel a lot better for it.

My mum brought a saucepan of her own home made soup last time she visited. I had bought chicken breasts, but no, she wanted soup!

I reckon mums have an idea of what they like, and everyone is else wrong, period.

If my DMum came over for lunch and was dissatisfied with what I had on offer, she would just tell me. Then I would look in the fridge/cupboard and see if I had anything else. If I didn't have anything else, she would get over it. I do think it's very odd that she wouldn't just say, 'bloody hell I'm starving, is soup all you've got??" Which is what my DMum would say if she felt that way. She often complains that my house is cold (or brings a cardi with her) and won't drink my tea as she's fussy about it. But neither of us feel the need to have a big falling-out over it. These are not major issues, really.

Cosietozie People over a certain age do tend to see a meal as containing meat, veg and gravy.

Do they? What age is that, then?
(Fed up with casual ageism on MN...)

I'd say, late 50s or 60s. It's more a question of the effort they perceive you to have made perhaps.

FGS.

If you say so, Cosie.

Nothing like a good old (ageist) generalisation then.

OP, YANBU, by the way!

What? Nuts! It's a three hour round trip so they'd only driven 1.5 hours and it sounds like a good lunch.

By what you've said she's toxic there is nothing you could have served which would have pleased her.

Just my experience, Gideon. Just my experience.

Just ignore her - it was perfectly reasonable. If pressed just say that you won't give her soup next time.

ANYBODY expecting a cooked lunch, on any day of the week, that consists of more than tinned soup or a bacon sandwich, is going to be sorely disappointed in my house. Lunchtime is for, well, lunch.

Dinner time is when I cook hot food. Even on a Sunday. I'm not going to change the time I eat my main meal for one day of the week.

OP, by the sounds of it, your mother wouldn't have been happy had you produced a 5 course a la carte meal.

Stop being bound by guilt - you don't have to have a relationship with somebody that behaves like this towards you.

"She is toxic and therefore very difficult to get on with."
There's your answer. Stop beating yourself up; it's not you, it's her.

Well I'm early 50's and my MIL arrives tomorrow (until Thursday ).

Tomorrow we will have a late lunch because she has a long journey to get here and because she is widowed and doesn't make a Sunday roast any more I am pulling out all the stops and we are having a lovely double rib of beef with all the trimmings followed by a chocolate roulade.

Back to work on Monday so there is lots of ham and cheese, naise savoury biscuits, salad, ham, salami - things she likes in the fridge for lunch. I have also bought her favourite breakfast cereal, apples, welsh cakes, etc..

Monday which is always a late night for me will be a rotisserie chicken, coleslaw, salad, new potatoes, etc., Tuesday (she is coming for a performance/solo of dd's so we will be late home at 9.30ish) will be smokes salmon, prawns, pasta salad and green salad; Wednesday we are having chilli con carne and salad with garlic bread and salad becuase this was one of the ILs favourite dinners when PIL was alive.

I work full time but I have a guest and there will be nice meals for her even though over the years she has been utterly despicable. That's because DH and I are the hosts and in our home we try to host well.

Lunch time soup is a perfect meal, I think it was only when restaurants offer soup as a starter people expect more.

Ouch.

My DH and I often have home-made soup for lunch; however, if I had a visitor I would add nice bread and cheese or pate, followed by dessert. Like Marriedinwhite I make an effort when I have visitors and especially when they have travelled a distance to see me. However, I can't believe your DM has sulked about this for months - totally OTT.

I think your mum's reaction is totally OTT and unreasonable.

But, if I was served bought soup for lunch, I'd be pretty unimpressed, just because soup is so easy to make, so it does seem a bit 'cant be bothered'. But not worth a hissy fit.

Next time she visits ( if there is a next time) I'd start with some amuse bouche, then move on to a Parma ham and melon starter, followed by a fish course, some sorbet to cleanse the palate, a nice beef Wellington with all the trimmings, raspberry pavlova and a cheeseboard, followed by coffee and petit fours and hope she chokes on it

When my Mum was alive and came to visit, she was so delighted to see me and the family that I don't think she'd have noticed if she got anything more than a cup of tea!

You should have said 'that's right mum, I find you a total pain in the arse so you only got soup 'cos you aren't worth anything better' well if you can't win even when you try why bother

Loon.

Soup and crusty bread is a lovely lunch. What did she want, prawn cocktail, a full roast and pudding with cheese and biscuits to finish?

We went to my mums for the day today and had soup - alright, it was her homemade and lush, but fresh potted soup is also very nice!

Married, that sounds lovely! I think we are a bit like you, good food is a key to good hospitality.

I sulked for quite a bit last year, because I thought mum hadn't made enough effort when I visited her, after traveling 12 hours. I didn't say anything for the longest time, because I wasn't sure if what I felt was right and it all seemed so petty to mention. But I did feel hurt there is no denying that...

Family relations are always hard, and at least you know for next time to serve more than soup

And yes, fwiw, I think yabu and soup is a pretty meagre meal to serve a guest.